When God's People Let You Down: How to Rise Above Hurts That Often Occur Within the Church [Paperback]

Jeffrey Vanvonderen (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 1995

In the wake of rejection, abuse, gossip or betrayal, "Forgive and forget" or "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven" doesn't make the hurt go away.

No one expects the church to be perfect. But we do think that God's family should treat us with more kindness and compassion than the rest of the world does. Because our hopes for the church are great, the disappointment we feel when the church fails to live up to its promise is devastating.

Wounds caused by strangers are painful enough. Injuries inflicted by people we count as friends are crushing. Yet the wounds we receive at the hands of fellow Christians cause a wasting sickness of the soul. Left unchecked and unhealed, they affect how we view ourselves, how we relate to other Christians even how we relate to God.

Drawing from the volumes of letters he and co-author David Johnson received in response to their book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Jeff VanVonderen looks at:

why hurts in the church are so debilitating.

what a welcoming, healing church should look like.

how anyone who feels let down by God's people can move past the pain and establish biblical relationships in a healthy church.

Has a fellow Christian let you down? You can rise above the disappointment.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

As author Jeff VanVonderen was growing up in a small farming community in northeastern Wisconsin, he learned well the lessons of how to "make it" in his family, in his community, and in his church.

He became president of his church youth group. He ministered in a nearby nursing home. He memorized Scripture. He had perfect attendance in Sunday School. He worked hard at being "the best, most positive person I could be."

But no matter how much he achieved, inwardly he couldn't shake the sense that God was disappointed in him. By his early 20's, his misdirected desire to please people led him to a full-blown addiction to drugs and alcohol, which resulted in physical, social, and spiritual burnout.

But after facing his deep-down sense of defectiveness, which he now identifies as a sense of shame, he came to realize that there is a significant difference between shame and guilt.

Defining shame as "the belief or mindset that something is wrong with you," VanVonderen has written Tired of Trying to Measure Up out of the depth of his own experience in breaking free from the demands, expectations, and intimidations of well-meaning people. The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, co-authored with David Johnson, is written to show how to recognize and escape spiritual manipulation and false spiritual authority within the church. Jeff has also written Good News for the Chemically Dependant (and Those Who Love Them). His book, Families Where Grace Is in Place, shows how to build a graceful marriage and family without legalism or manipulation.

Jeff VanVonderen, who is pastor of counseling at Church of the Open Door in a northwestern suburb of Minneapolis, has earned the M.Div. degree from Bethel Theological Seminary, and is a licensed chemical dependency counselor. He has served on the staffs of several churches and was founder and director of Passages Counseling Center.

Jeff, his wife Holly, and their four daughters make their home in Minnesota.

size : 5.3 x 8.2

Product Details

• Paperback: 204 pages
• Publisher: Bethany House Pub (May 1995)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1556613482
• ISBN-13: 978-1556613487
• Product Dimensions: 8.1 x 5.3 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #330,251 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20 of 21 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This is no book - THIS IS A MIRACLE!, May 15, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: When God's People Let You Down: How to Rise Above Hurts That Often Occur Within the Church (Paperback)

Jeff Vanvonderan does it again. His wisdom, written with a "probe like" dialogue into your heart, helps the reader better understand his or her hurt, and therefore overcome it. Even for readers who have not found themselves hurt by ignorant, but certainly well meaning, people, this book is strongly recommended. It will prepare you with the tools to handle the hurts that come your way. (This book actually lifted me out of a critical, very clinically advanced depression.)

14 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Healing in its pages, September 18, 2002

By 

A. Craig "a reader" (Decatur, GA United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: When God's People Let You Down: How to Rise Above Hurts That Often Occur Within the Church (Paperback)

I just recently read this book. It is a definite re-read for me.

I've had some negative experiences and sharp disappointments when dealing with some Christians or "churchfolk". I've seen actions that didn't meet the most basic laws of common courtesy and respect, let alone the higher standards that the Bible lays out for us to follow with each other. I've seen a lot of hypocrisy, dysfunction and unhealthy dynamics in the "church". All this left me with a very sour view on church and on other Christians. I had a mistrust for leadership and just wondered if folks were really trying to follow the Bible or was it all just a big show.

This book has helped me to reconcile a lot of those issues. Here were the major points for me:

- It is okay to expect the body of Christ to act like the body of Christ is supposed to act. It is okay to expect a higher standard of morality in the church than what is seen in the world. If the Bible says, don't lie, then it's okay to expect Christians to be honest. I had begun to wonder what, if anything, I could expect from other Christians.

-This book gives examples of unhealthy dynamics in relationships and families. This helped me realize fully what I'd had a sneaking suspicion of: some of the groups that I was in were dysfunctional. I was bound to get hurt in those situations.

-In addition to discussing the hurts that one can experience at the hands of leadership or other Christians, the book very gently probes into what your role was in the situation and what your responsibility is in terms of being healed from it. However, it does NOT get into any blaming the victim. This section helped me to see that while, yes, I had been hurt by some leaders and groups, it was I who put these leaders on such a high pedestal in the first place. Sure, they led - but I followed. I chose to be in groups that were unhealthy and closed my eyes to a LOT of warning signs that would've been obvious to casual observers. Now, I know that I can make better choices in terms of relationships, and that it's not just about "finding the right group".

-This book strongly emphasizes that our focus should be on Jesus and not other people.

-This book discusses legalism and the negative effects of that and how to overcome it. It is theologically sound and give a good explanation of the Gospel and how that relates to legalism.

-It gives principles on how to establish healthy relationships. It talks about the accountability of leadership.

I could go on and on. It is outstanding book and blessed me tremendously. It's helped me to have a more balanced and positive view of the church and to get over a lot of the hurts that were hindering me. I thank God that I read this book. I highly recommend it.

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars God's Gift when I and my wife got striked down in our church, January 9, 2004

By 

"dixon_kwok" (Hong Kong) - See all my reviews

This review is from: When God's People Let You Down: How to Rise Above Hurts That Often Occur Within the Church (Paperback)

To be honest, the book has all the answers to all my questions on God, myself and church folks esp. the bad leaders out there. It strikes my heart deeply and frees me out into the air again. We have gone through depression from slight (myself) to serious (my wife) during these bad times.

The book leads me out of the clouds of how I shall see my church pastor, leaders, staff, brothers and sisters and also myself in correct ways. Even though we feel getting hurt a lot, it tells me that we DID have responsibilities on Not wearing the suitable armours around ourselves.

Lastly, it tells me how to recover step by step, which is very important to me when I step into another church. I cried and was touched by the bible quotes in the book many times. God uses the book to heal me and I feel the love from God through the book.