When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship [Paperback]

David B. Wexler (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 1, 2004

This is the only book written specifically for men in a language that is respectful to men, about how to deal better with the most important relationships in their lives. It provides real tools for men who have trouble dealing with the emotional demands of relationships and those affected by them.

The premise of this book is that good, well-intentioned men can, in times of stress and emotional conflict, act in destructive ways that don't reflect their true character. From a humanistic and empathetic perspective, this book explores the latest research about male psychological development to create a new, compassionate narrative for the struggles men face. Learn to recognize and label your internal states. Find out why displays of not-so-masculine emotions are so difficult to deal with, and why they can provoke episodes of problematic behavior. Explore the father-son relationship and the reality of male peer relations; see why these patterned interactions can reinforce bad behavior from generation to generation. Structured exercises and strategies help transfer the concepts of the book into daily experience.

David B. Wexler, Ph.D., is the founder and executive director of the Relationship Training Institute, an organization designed to help couples and especially men who are having problems in relationships.

His previous work includesThe Adolescent Self andThe PRISM Workbook.

Visit the author at his Web site: www.rtiprojects.com.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

This insightful book offers a user-friendly look at how a "good man"-"a man with fundamentally positive values who cares about his kids and his partner"-can often display bad behavior, including everything from sarcasm or criticism to nastiness, coldness and other kinds of destructive emotional withdrawal. Wexler, executive director of the Relationship Training Institute in San Diego, roots his analysis in the self-psychology theory of the "mirroring self-object," the idea that all children in their development need "validation and acknowledgement from parental figures" who mirror back to them a sense of competence and appreciation. The bulk of the book wonderfully describes the ways that many men, as adults, "are always looking to some outside source of approval or recognition" as a way to resolve feelings of shame caused by an arrested internal sense of confidence and competence. The book's success also hinges on two further analytical strategies by Wexler. First, while he gives a convincing look at how a man's "reliance on women for validation" can lead to feeling emotionally out of control, Wexler never descends to placing any sort of sexist blame on moms or wives; he makes it clear that the power that women seem to have over men "is not a power that women have signed up for in the relationship contract" and that female children are equally harmed by the lack of a mirroring self-object. Second, Wexler provides numerous concrete examples of how men can identify and understand the emotional states that trigger relationship problems, as well as many ways that fathers can help establish a son's home life as "a shame-free zone."
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Review

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Product Details

• Paperback: 216 pages
• Publisher: New Harbinger Publications; 1 edition (February 1, 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1572243465
• ISBN-13: 978-1572243460
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #383,708 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

David B. Wexler, Ph.D. is the Executive Director of the non-profit Relationship Training Institute in San Diego, which provides education and treatment internationally for relationship development and the prevention and treatment of relationship violence. He has received the Distinguished Contribution to Psychology from the California Psychological Association in 2003 and the Practitioner of the Year award from the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, a division of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Wexler is the author of When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship, Is He Depressed or What?: What to Do When the Man You Love is Moody, Irritable, and Withdrawn. STOP Domestic Violence: Innovative Skills, Techniques, Options, and Plans for Better Relationship, and Men in Therapy: New Approaches for Effective Treatment. He has been featured on the Dr. Phil show and the TODAY show, in the Washington Post, "O" magazine, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Men's Health, and on hundreds of radio and TV programs throughout North America to help educate the public about relationships in conflict and how to resolve them. Dr. Wexler may be contacted through www.RTIprojects.org.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

26 of 28 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Required Reading for Couples Troubled by Man's Behaviour, April 9, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship (Paperback)

I knew I would love this book when the opening paragraph referred to a novel by Russell Banks, a novelist who writes with sensitivity and compassion for the male world. As a wife, I was heartbroken by my husband's affair. He accused me of being "controlling" - yet could not cite a single instance of my controlling behaviour or explain what he meant. He had a classic mid-life crisis. This book explains it all: the male experience, the emotional handicaps, the bewildering treatment.
All couples grappling with troubled relationships should read it. Great advice for raising boys is included.

24 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Men Will "Get"This Book!, March 2, 2004

By 

Janice Horowitz, MSW (Woodbridge, Ct USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship (Paperback)

Dr. Wexler has done something in this book that has the potential to make a lasting difference in male/female relationships. He has given us a simple language and a bright new understanding of how couples with good intentions derail...best of all, both men and women can relate to it and apply it. This is not the 'same old, same old' communication formulations that women get but men are confused and put off by. Men will "get" this book. I wish it had been available when I was doing couples therapy...I would have made it "required" reading.

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An Excellent Way to Help You and Your Partner Ovecome Abuse, November 15, 2007

By 

Dr Lisa Love "DoctorLisaLove.com" (Encinitas, CA United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship (Paperback)

This book is written by one of the best therapists in the field, Dr. David Wexler. I have at times confronted and dealt with abusive behavior both in my role as a therapist, and personally in my own life. I have read numerous books on abuse and can say that this one is especially good for men to read who have subjected the people they care about to both verbal and physical abuse. Dr. Wexler understands men in a very deep way and in this book he gives them both straight and compassionate talk. And, he is an excellent couples counselor. This book helps men understand why they resort to these behaviors. Better yet, he shows them how to stop. - Dr. Lisa Love, Beyond the Secret