Customer Reviews

When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship

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I knew I would love this book when the opening paragraph referred to a novel by Russell Banks, a novelist who writes with sensitivity and compassion for the male world. As a wife, I was heartbroken by my husband's affair. He accused me of being "controlling" - yet could not cite a single instance of my controlling behaviour or explain what he meant. He had a classic mid-life crisis. This book explains it all: the male experience, the emotional handicaps, the bewildering treatment.
All couples grappling with troubled relationships should read it. Great advice for raising boys is included.

Dr. Wexler has done something in this book that has the potential to make a lasting difference in male/female relationships. He has given us a simple language and a bright new understanding of how couples with good intentions derail...best of all, both men and women can relate to it and apply it. This is not the 'same old, same old' communication formulations that women get but men are confused and put off by. Men will "get" this book. I wish it had been available when I was doing couples therapy...I would have made it "required" reading.

This book is written by one of the best therapists in the field, Dr. David Wexler. I have at times confronted and dealt with abusive behavior both in my role as a therapist, and personally in my own life. I have read numerous books on abuse and can say that this one is especially good for men to read who have subjected the people they care about to both verbal and physical abuse. Dr. Wexler understands men in a very deep way and in this book he gives them both straight and compassionate talk. And, he is an excellent couples counselor. This book helps men understand why they resort to these behaviors. Better yet, he shows them how to stop. - Dr. Lisa Love, Beyond the Secret

My relationship with my boyfriend was wonderful in so many ways but one little thing would tip it over and the whole empire would crash down. My boyfriend was utterly incapable of understanding his own feelings and thought that my even having feelings was irrational. It all came to a head one week and my boyfriends life (which was completely normal, controlled, responsible, highly successful in his career) spun out of control, ending in a DUI. An otherwise wonderful man completely lost control.
I was at my END with him for so many reasons and thought there might be no hope for repair. I turned to this book and gave it to him. He actually read it. And now recommends it to ALL MEN when they need and are ready for a wake-up call. Its great because its written by a man for men. Women can benefit too, but men will "get" this book and not shove it aside like other women-perspective self-help books.

Myself and my long time girlfriend went to David Wexler for counseling because we were having some problems in our relationship, and he was highly recommended. Our first session was very contentious and his main concern was how we were going to pay for his services. He represented himself as an expert in counseling couples in conflict, but after several sessions, he refused to council us together, only separately. This was not our agreement, but Wexler was still only too happy to keep the significant amount we had paid him, despite his refusal to continue with our original agreement. I took him to small claims court, won my case, and recovered a decent amount of the money I had paid him. My recommendation would be to avoid working with David Wexler. He has no problem violating any agreement he makes with you, changing the rules as he sees fit, whether you agree or not, and I have court documents to prove it.

This is an excellent book for those of us that are subject to that type of behavior. It helps you realize where your actions are comming from. With this in mind, you can try to find a way to deal with your response to situations. Remember, you can't control what others do, only your response to what they do. Read it with a totally open mind, and a bit of humility and a desire to change ... and you're half way there. Also a great book for the women in that relationship; so they can appreciate the "why".

I would recommend this for any wife or girlfriend who is victim of domestic violence from her husband/boyfriend. It can be a great tool to decide whether a relationship is worth salvaging. I am an Illinois attorney who has handled over 100 order of protection cases and had some personal experience myself. Some people hear "domestic violence" and think that the relationship has to end. In reality, there are many different domestic violence situations. Although all need some sort of intervention, ending the relationship all together is not the only option and sometimes may not be the best option. This book can be a great guide if read with an open heart and an objective mind.

If it tastes good, don't tell them it's good for them.

Mom learned this important lesson early and fast. A new and diverse generation of healers is slowly catching on.

In his book When Good Men Behave Badly (hereinafter "Good Men"), David Wexler tackles an ambitious project - namely to introduce the most contemporary research on adult male psychology within a framework that renders it digestible to even the most"offensive" male contingent. He succeeds by co-opting the familiar pop fiction lexicon of good guys, bad guys, heroes and villains, all surrounded by damsels in varying levels of distress; and by making productive use of fictional characters from popular books and films selected to illustrate various behavioral aberrations. The benefit here is two-fold: 1) fictional characters are always deliberately - and conveniently -- skewed one way or another in furtherance of a contrived plot and 2) once readers are assured that "he couldn't possibly be talking about me," it becomes easier to evaluate and apply the concepts those characters are selected to illustrate.

While this book's main focus involves improving relationships between men and women, it serves a greater purpose in helping newer subgroups of men to better understand one another. Because it's now 2005 and not 1975, the planet has come to include an assortment of communities in which many males have almost as little in common with Wexler's "good men" as the females - not to mention new role authority females who have usurped all those aberrations traditionally reserved for men. (Many of us who are Star Trek fans cannot help but wonder if Captain Janeway is really nothing more than the `60s Captain Kirk with ovaries - but I digress . . .)

Many of us who survived the `80s "Iron John/Fire In The Belly" men's movement (replete with episodes of collective whining and rancid bongo drumming) view the "good men" psyche as though recalling a bad dream. We are grateful for having been rescued and, while it would be arrogant to pretend any kind of superiority, we do find ourselves faced with a different set of challenges. If we accept the notion that "going home again" is not an option, then it follows that one consequence of "crossing over" is to lose recollection of "what it's like" to be trapped in that earlier psyche.

Accompanying this lost frame of reference is the risk of becoming captive to attitudes of intolerance, as in "Shape up or ship out!" As part of the crossing over process, many of us incurred heavy doses of bludgeoning shame from `70s feminists who, as a consequence of their own exploration of the unknown, simply didn't know any better. It takes a concerted effort when encountering Wexler's "good men" not to look back in reproach.

Wexler's forgiving but not condoning attitude toward his "good men" (i.e. no ingenuous group hugs but no ghoulish public executions justified by "closure"either) recalls yet another cherished mid 20th century concept worthy of resurrection - we used to call it "amnesty."

Perhaps the most valuable unplanned application for Wexler's book is in the realm of occupational life, where members of both sexes are pressured into the adoption of any number of toxic "bad behaviors" by dysfunctional work environments. Members of both sexes can learn a lot by substituting Wexler's males and females for bosses and employees. This is particularly true when exploring the concept of "broken mirrors." In several instances, questions as to why one doesn't fare better at work can be traced back to the failure to provide such a positive mirror to one's boss, boss's boss, etc.

All told, Good Men is a very useful book for evaluating and improving a variety of relationships. Hopefully a new generation of neo-conservative minimalists will forego the temptation to dismiss Wexler's findings as so much vacuous "liberalism" and "psycho-babble" and, instead, use them as a foundation for further exploration.

A friend had recommended this book, and so I perused the "look inside" pages made available here on Amazon. The very opening page uses the explitive "Jesus H. Christ!". That was enough for me to move on, its an abrasive, offensive language that may indicate the author and I are coming from different life-perspectives, but the recommendation nudged me for a closer look.

I eventually arrived at approximately page 181, the homework assignment for women, teaching that if we would just stop being sarcastic bitches ... well, apparently THAT might keep our good men from behaving badly.

There are thousands of books on the shelves, and many of them are possibly more destructive to the relationship guidance we seek, than helpful. I place this book in that category.

Behavior doesn't ruin relationship ... the condition of your heart ruins (or grows) relationship. In my opinion, the healing and nurturing of your heart can only come from the architect OF it ... and I therefore turn to Christian perspectives that stem from the original love, the Maker of union, and the divine Healer of those wounds that make us behave in ways that torture ourselves, and the others in our life. This book DOES talk about healing old wounds, but with homework assignments that are dead-ends. Check out Wild At Heart, and you'll see what I mean. As for this book ... it'll stay on the shelf.

We are judged by our actions. If we do bad things, then we are bad people. Good men do not behave badly. Good people do not lie or cheat or betray. If a good man can behave badly, how do we describe a man who is honorable, honest, faithful, just and true? If the author wrote a true book, a book which says "Shame on you! No one participated in your decision to lie, cheat, betray or steal, you have chosen to be a bad person; knock it off!" it would be a true book, but no one would buy it.