Customer Reviews

When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships

5 star:		(22)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

This book is outstanding. It will help you figure out what you are doing and why you are doing it. Once you have figured that out, you can start to make the decisions you need to make to get your life back on track. being stuck between two relationships is no way to go through life. It is destructive and hurtful to EVERYONE involved. In NO WAY does this book try to condone the behavior of people who cheat. Mira simply recognizes that infidelity is a fact of life (75% of couples will be touched by it at some point), and the most important thing is to help people figure out why they have stepped beyond their primary relationship so that they can decide what to do next. Mira clearly distinguishes between sociopathic louts who cheat simply because they "can", and the otherwise good person who has, quite uncharacteristically, "strayed" and is now in WAY over their head in a second relationship.

The book is comprehensive but spends most of its time helping you figure out who is right for you, the primary partner or the affair partner. I think this section is outstanding, and Mira tackles a subject that few if any other authors have ever dared approach. While it is very helpful (she has found a way to compare apples to oranges!!!), I think one of the things left out (probably because it is so individual) is transaction costs. What I mean is even if you figure out (with Mira's techniques) that the "affair" partner is better for you, you still have to go through a divorce, split up money and assets, give up at least 1/2 of the time with your children, lose many of your friends, move out of the house, start your life over from scratch etc etc. How do you factor that in? How MUCH better does the affair partner have to be to justify this upheaval? Again, this will be different for everyone. Someone who has not much to lose might leave for a marginally "better" partner. Someone with a LOT to lose is only going to leave for a MUCH better situation. So in the end this is a difficult decision that should NOT be made impulsively. It should be made after careful thought and analysis, and this book CERTAINLY helps put 90% of the important issues into perspective to make this difficult decision. I recommend a good local therapist to help you out with the individual aspects of YOUR situation.

I have read the book from cover to cover and I recommend it HIGHLY. It helped me sort out my own situation. Thank god it came out in such a timely manner. Good luck with your own ordeal...I KNOW it is NOT EASY!! I have intentionally not said what I ended up doing....I remember when I first started trying to figure out what to do about my own situation I would read reviews like this and try to see who stayed and who left and tried to read into that information to see what I should do...I don't want to sway anyone one way or the other. GOOD LUCK!

If your life has been touched by an affair, whether you're the cheater or you've been cheated on, this is an incredibly wise and helpful book by someone with a LOT of experience helping people put their lives and marriages back together.
I want to say why this book is so good, but first I have to comment on Jillian C. "Qbridge"'s incredibly irresponsible review. Jillian has obviously not read the book, nor does she seem to have any experience actually helping people who are trying to deal with an affair, nor does she seem to be interested in helping people put their lives together after an affair. If she'd read the book, she'd have seen how Kirshenbaum clearly says you should not have an affair. But you do NOT help people who've been affected by an affair by labeling the cheater as "bad." Why would any wife want to heal her marriage if her husband is by definition "bad"? Does Jillian want every couple touched by an affair to get a divorce? Yes, the deed is a hurtful mistake, and Kirshenbaum goes to great lengths to show how, if there is going to be any hope of healing, the cheater has to show that he truly understands the pain and damage he's caused. That's the kind of thing in the REAL book, not Jillian's fantasy. It was careless and dishonest for Jillian to review the words of the title and not read or review the real book.
In reality, Kirshenbaum devotes many chapters to showing how to heal a marriage after it's been damaged by an affair, and this is the best help of its kind I've seen.
Another thing Kirshenbaum does that I've never seen before and is incredibly helpful is show that there are 17 different kinds of affairs. Each one grows out of a different need. Each one means something completely different. You can't know how to figure things out until you know why you or your partner had an affair in the first place. This is what a therapist would charge big bucks for, but you get it all in this book.
And Kirshenbaum has a lot of material on how to protect the kids and take them into account.
I've had a lot of experience helping people and couples deal with an affair, and I have to say this book will give everyday folk all the help they could need. The truth is that an affair is a turning point in people's lives. There's a lot to sort out. And a lot of anger and hurt. Kirshenbaum shows how to take all this into account and do what's best for everybody in the end.

Four weeks ago I found out my husband had been cheating on me. I was furious. I threw my husband out of the house. But I was devastated. We have three children, and I thought we had a good life. Everything seemed to be over for good. Then my therapist said something amazing. She said, "Look, he did a bad thing, but is he really a bad man?" That stopped me. I thought about our life together. He was a good man. I could always rely on him. My therapist lent me her copy of this book. I think it may have saved my life. I read it in one evening. I saw how my husband really could have been in pain even though he put me in pain.
Most of all, I saw that there were many reasons why people cheat, and most of them DON'T mean that your marriage is over. And I saw what the work was that my husband and I needed to do to put our marriage together. My husband and I have talked almost nonstop for the last two days. It's been pretty intense. But Myra Kirschenbaum's book has given me, given both of us really, the hope and understanding to work at healing our marriage.
This is one of those books that can save your life. I am so grateful for it.

Some parts of this book are okay, the types of affairs, how people become involved, and what is involved in healing from an affair.

My problem is with the chapters on how a spouse involved in an affair should determine whether to stay with the marriage partner, or leave the marriage for the affair partner. These chapters presume that the affair partner is thinking clearly and rationally. It has been my experience and the experience of many others that this is simply not the case.

An affair is a fantasy relationship built on conditional love. Any conversation topic or activity that would undermine the fantasy is avoided. Add to this the lies the spouse involved in the affair has told him or herself, and others, to rationalize their involvement in the affair. All combined, there is no way in which the person having an affair can accurately asess which partner they are truly happier with, which partner is the "better" partner, or is meeting their needs.

Many participants find their involvement with an affair to be addictive. Until the participants break this addiction and the accompanying rationalizations, there is simply no way for them to make an informed decision about returning to the marriage or leaving it for the affair partner. To do otherwise is akin to having a drug or alcohol addict make decisions on further drug or alcohol use while under the influence.

I feel I am one of those good people who is having an affair. I was in a difficult marriage with young children and felt this was "my lot" in life and I just had to deal with it. I then met a wonderful man who was also married, but like me felt we had to make our marriages work, but in time we fell in love.

I honestly believe our affair is one based on love and respect and friendship. Life is not black and white - it is grey in many areas, of course I agree in a perfect world people should not have affairs but then people are not perfect. I found this book to be unjudgemental and it certainly did not give any bias as to whether to leave your marriage or to stay, it is a tool to help each individual identify what is right for them and how to deal with it, that is if you choose to stay in your marriage how best to recommit and if you choose your lover how to identify if that is the right thing for you.

It is the first book I read that offered pratical sensible advice - I have since left my marriage as I have been able to identify it is not right for me. I did this without hoping the man I was having the affair with would do the same but at the end of the day even if that relationship had ended I knew that my marriage was over. I can honestly say I have had no regrets, it has been the best decision I have made. You only have one life and it is important that we try and be happy.

I would recommend this for any other woman or man who is having an affair and needs help on what direction will make them happiest. It is not for people who want do drift on with affairs it really is for those who need some clarity in their lives. You will not regret purchasing this book.

As a rehabilitated one-time ex-cheater, this book really caught my eye. I thought of myself as a good man, yet I found myself gradually seduced into a situation that I was unprepared to handle....The forbidden affair!

If you're caught up at any point of a love triangle, you need the help and hope available in Mira Kirshenbaum's newly-released book titled, WHEN GOOD PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS: INSIDE THE HEART AND MIND OF PEOPLE IN TWO RELATIONSHIPS.

This is the very first book based on understanding the cheater's real motives, including the 17 different kinds of affairs, and it provides everything people need to rebuild their lives and relationships.

Whether you're the cheater, or you've been cheated on, or even if you suspect your partner might be cheating on you, this is a book that you must buy and read. It's just that important!

Long ago I read Kirshenbaum's book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and underlined so much of it there was hardly a clean page left. Now all these years later I have read her latest book; "When Good People Have Affairs" and can say that this book has been asking to be written for a very long time. Critics who say this subject matter shouldn't be written about are no different than people who say that an elephant in the living room should not be talked about.

The facts are the facts; for a myriad of reasons people are drawn into affairs and the truth is it simply is not as black and white as many people want to think that it is. Of course there are lots of examples of people who are simply not trustworhty and cannot seem to commit when it comes to relationships and marriage. We all know those stories. The other side of the coin however, is that good people DO have affairs. And just as there are short term affairs that are flings there are also long term affairs that are deep love affairs.

Sometimes the one in the marriage has been hurt and hurting for a long time. The reason they do not go ahead and divorce is connected with a myriad of complexities; family expectations, property issues, social status, as well their own personalities and simply not wanting to have to deal with any more pain in their lives as well as not wishing to cause others close to them any pain. Not wanting to hurt either their spouse or their children they feel caught in an agonizing situation. As an Episcopal priest I know this to be a fact.

I am very grateful to Mira Kirshenbaum for having the courage to write this much needed book. I only hope that down the road she will address the issue of the unmarried person in the affair; usually the woman, as well as the issue of how adult children play into the reason why their parents feel they cannot extricate themselves out of a marriage that for all intents and purposes died a natural death long before the affair began in the first place.

While this book is focused on the married partner in an affair, it is still very helpful for the single partner. Indeed it was the single partner in such a situation who told me about the book in the first place. Knowing that someone like Mira Kirshenbaum is out there; not only recognizing the reality of these situations but looking into the causes and the solutions, is like water flowing into a dry desert for those who find themselves caught in what can be a very lonely place.

This book is a must for anyone who is married, involved, contemplating marriage, contemplating divorce, contemplating an affair... This is the first time I have read anything on the subject of infidelity that I felt portrayed an accurate, objective, nonjudgmental, commonsensical explanation of how it happens and how to proceed once it has. Dr. Kirshenbaum does not advocate infidelity, she merely accepts it as an unfortunate fact, and instead of leaving the reader feeling worse than s/he already does, she explains how to make the most of the situation by engaging in deep soul-searching through the many questions she poses. She clearly states several times that infidelity is wrong, and can be catastrophic, and she urges the reader to take steps to stop. I can see how judgmental, black-or-white type of people could criticize Dr. Kirshenbaum as being too lenient on the offenders, especially as she is brave and intelligent enough to publicly advocate keeping the affair a secret to take to the grave. However, in all the research I have done on the subject of marriage and happiness, as well as all the affairs I have witnessed with friends, etc. - I truly believe that what she says is correct. It is not a contradiction of terms to say good people have affairs. It is scandalous but correct to say that affairs can indeed strengthen a marriage in the types of situations she describes. She does a great job of helping the reader analyze whether s/he is in the right marriage, if the lover is indeed the right person or perhaps s/he should be alone, and she has the reader ask some extremely valuable questions regarding her/himself and the people with whom s/he is involved. Dr. Kirshenbaum allows for the possibility that while a happy nuclear family is the ideal, in some cases this is impossible and divorce may be the best even when children are involved. She helps the reader decide this also. The tone of the book is direct and friendly and it is an extremely quick read. I picked this book up while researching for my own book (a self-help book for women who lack passion and motivation in their lives), and I have urged all of my friends to read it. Why wait until your own relationship is in trouble? I recommend that people read this in order to avoid either marrying the wrong person, or being personally affected by infidelity. As Dr. Kirshenbaum points out, most infidelity happens almost by accident, in a non-premeditated manner. Best to be prepared by reading this book even if you don't think you need to!

Mira Kirshenbaum's "When Good People Have Affairs" provides a clear, intuitive way of understanding how you got into an affair and how to choose between the two persons you have relationships with -- or whether you shouldn't be with either of them.

The first part of the book examines various types of affairs based on the *motive* for getting involved with a second partner. This is important, because one's motive is also important for figuring out the best future course of action.

The second part of the book reveals four dimensions (or criteria) for selecting between two potential partners. This is an important discussion that could help EVERYONE do a better job of choosing a life partner, whether or not they're currently having an affair. According to Kirshenbaum, "There are, in fact, only four dimensions when it comes to comparing potential partners: 1) Who the people [partners] are in themselves; 2) What your relationship is with each one; 3) What your lifestyle would be with each; 4) Who you are with each."

This is a great discussion that ends with a "scorecard" that one can use to predict how successful a relationship would be with another person.

The book concludes by considering how to consider the welfare of children who may be affected by a breakup, how to break off a relationship (with a spouse or third party), and how to launch a new future with the person you choose to be with.

All in all, an excellent book: Kirshenbaum has considerable experience as a therapist, she's a clear thinker, and an excellent writer.

Despite comments from some of the reviewers (whom I suspect have not actually read the book), Kirshenbaum does not encourage divorce or even suggest that it's no big deal. But most people who read the book are already in the middle of an affair, so it's not worth a lot of paper and ink to warn them to avoid getting into an affair. Now that the situation has already developed, the reader wants to know how best to proceed.

One final point: I already mentioned that everyone could benefit from reading part 2 concerning the four dimensions/criteria for choosing a life partner. Kirshenbaum has another book that highlights that material: "Is He Mr. Right?" (The book is useful for men, too, simply by substituting She for He and Ms. for Mr.)

One hallmark of most affairs is confusion and uncertainty which makes it difficult to decide on a future course of action. If you're having an affair, "When Good People Have Affairs" will almost certainly clarify your situation and help you make better decisions. Do yourself a favor and read it.

First off, I would like to address the review from Jillian C. "Qbridge". I couldn't help but notice her bitterness and closed mind on this subject. I disagree with her statement of anyone "LIKING" to cheat on their spouse and in so doing, choosing anyone and everyone to cheat with. The reason for my review is to support the author and her beliefs regarding the content of this book. Today during channel surfing I caught her being interviewed on a news network. It was more of a "roast" and the interviewer (was it "Qbridge"??) was mocking the author for her obvious deep thought on this subject. The author was cut off when she said that it actually takes more courage for the cheater to keep their past secret to themselves. I applaud this author for giving much thought and help to those who truly need it.