39 of 41 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
This is a must read for anyone left behind by a spouse., November 1, 1999
This review is from: When He Leaves: Choosing to Live, Love, and Laugh Again (Paperback)
Quinn and West wrote a gem. I loan or give my copies to pastors and women who are left by their husbands. My pastor read the book and recommends it.Several years ago I was in the same situation after my husband of twenty-four years left me for another. All the books I read were by professional men. Each had good advice, but none of the authors had lived with the feelings of absolute rejection, physical pain, and paralysis that this situation results in for a mate left behind when a long-term marriage ends. I needed to be understood; given real hope that I was still a person of value. In my case the leaving made sense only after discovery of the truth. Several years went by before my husband left for good. That is, he left physically, thus making official and true what many years of disrespect and unfaithfulness had hidden from my mind, but not from my heart. The authors relate similar blind areas. And I thought it was just me. I happen to be mostly recovered from my own situation, but I found Quinn and West's book helpful in retrospect. Finally, I had my own confused and dark feelings validated by other Christian women who had walked the same path and not only survived, but thrived. Not even professional counselors could empathize or give me hope on the same level that the authors did. The sense of shared experience and the hope for life after betrayal and abandonment shine light on the gray area in which a divorced Christian finds him/herself within the Christian community. God is faithful even when husbands, and even friends, are not. What I particularly liked was the balance between the true experiences they related, even down to gut-level feelings, and the striking lack of bitterness and anger that often lingers after divorce, even years later. Finally, two Christian women came forward and told others that the crazy-making experiences will end. We will be able to, as the subtitle reads, "Live, Love and Laugh again." Thank you ladies.
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28 of 30 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Empowering, Empathetic and Energizing, June 3, 2005
Described by Laurie Hall in the foreword as a "giant hug for women who've had their lives shattered by their spouse's infidelity," WHEN HE LEAVES: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives is by turns empowering, empathetic and energizing for anyone who has been dealt "the divorce card."
"You are not alone," writes Kari West and Noelle Quinn. "You belong to a sacred sisterhood, the wounded, the rejected, the betrayed." The authors, both victimized by their ex-husbands' infidelity, are "frustrated by the trend of wives dumped in midlife and children abandoned, and by the response of the church to a crisis that occurs no less frequently within evangelicalism than outside it." They also write for women who have left a husband who "left long before in his mind, while he expected her to pray and stay."
Both authors fought to keep their marriages together without success. But both were able to glue the pieces of their lives back together and move on to healing and wholeness. "I found out when you can't go back, you go forward," writes West.
The authors found that divorced women face:
grief, guilt, anger, hopelessness
stress-related health problems
disappointment with friends, family, church and God
a deep sense of failure, humiliation and rejection
Yet, you will survive, the authors encourage. They urge readers to feel their pain in order to heal; to be willing to grieve the loss of the relationship and dreams. Then, women must embrace the truth about their marriage, and their lives. Finally, they believe, women can move forward to new possibilities and a different future than was planned.
Both West and Quinn offer heartbreaking personal glimpses into their lives spent married to men who were cheating on them. Amazingly, the authors' tone, which easily could be bitter or nasty, remains mostly even-handed (although excruciatingly honest when detailing the cruelty that can happen between spouses). Both authors are vulnerable to the point that Quinn even admits contemplating buying a gun when her hatred against her ex peaked! Prayers of anger and pain are included, penned to God, just as David lamented to the Lord in his Psalms. I want things back the way they were... How am I to endure, O Lord? How am I to get through this?... What did we do to deserve this? Many divorced women will recognize their own questions here.
While raw emotions such as anger and hatred are acknowledged and validated, readers are encouraged to channel them into positive steps forward. Interactive sections allow for readers to journal their own feelings and ideas.
Throughout the book, the authors offer practical ideas for recovery, ranging from simple things (Rise early and walk before breakfast, write a letter to yourself about your dreams) to some that may seem a bit off-beat (pierce your belly button). But then, off-beat is sometimes the point. Divorced women need to find a new identity apart from their one as wife, and to expand their horizons. West and Quinn offer a thoughtful chapter on navigating the twists and turns of single-parenting. There's also a helpful list of practical "housecleaning" ideas to let go of your bitterness by letting go or rearranging physical possessions ("Get rid of the clothes you wore with him" or "Take down everything hanging on the walls, freshen the paint, and re-hang pictures differently.")
Occasionally, the authors' rah-rah spirit ("P.S. You are going to make it!") feels over the top, although some will appreciate their unbridled enthusiasm. Others may find some of the practical ideas for moving forward a bit simplistic ("...write your name on a seashell or a small rock...place it on your nightstand...remember that persistence pays!"). However, the value in even the simplest suggestions offered is that they are easily do-able at a time when even ordinary tasks seem difficult.
An unexpected bonus is the collection of outstanding motivational quotes sprinkled throughout the book, drawn from a diverse cast of characters that includes everyone from G.K. Chesterton to Diane Ackerman; Anne Morrow Lindbergh to Antoine De Saint-Exupéry. Although this is a wonderful book for divorced Christian women, it also is highly recommended that pastors, family members, and those in the church read it, and books like it, to gain deeper understanding in how to minister to those in this situation.
--- Reviewed by Cindy Crosby
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16 of 16 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Thanks for Letting me know I am not alone, November 28, 2000
By A Customer
This review is from: When He Leaves: Choosing to Live, Love, and Laugh Again (Paperback)
I stumbled upon this book, and decided to give it a try, since I felt like no one could understand the pain and anger I was feeling when my ex left when our son was 3 months old. Thanks Kari and Noelle for sharing your feelings, even the negative ones, which helped me stop blaming myself. I could not make him stay, once he decided to be with his new girlfriend, and this book helped me to heal, and to be aware of the strong woman and single mom I have become. By bringing my feelings of anger and disappointment into the open, I have been able to also see how far I have come, and how much God does provide. He sure does work in mysterious ways! God has provided comfort and strength and given me the courage to go on and live a honorable life, despite this little "bump" on my journey. Thank you, Thank you, for writing this book, and letting me know I am not alone or a failure. I plan to read it again for those times I feel discouraged or alone.
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