Customer Reviews

When He Leaves: Choosing to Live, Love, and Laugh Again

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Quinn and West wrote a gem. I loan or give my copies to pastors and women who are left by their husbands. My pastor read the book and recommends it.Several years ago I was in the same situation after my husband of twenty-four years left me for another. All the books I read were by professional men. Each had good advice, but none of the authors had lived with the feelings of absolute rejection, physical pain, and paralysis that this situation results in for a mate left behind when a long-term marriage ends. I needed to be understood; given real hope that I was still a person of value. In my case the leaving made sense only after discovery of the truth. Several years went by before my husband left for good. That is, he left physically, thus making official and true what many years of disrespect and unfaithfulness had hidden from my mind, but not from my heart. The authors relate similar blind areas. And I thought it was just me. I happen to be mostly recovered from my own situation, but I found Quinn and West's book helpful in retrospect. Finally, I had my own confused and dark feelings validated by other Christian women who had walked the same path and not only survived, but thrived. Not even professional counselors could empathize or give me hope on the same level that the authors did. The sense of shared experience and the hope for life after betrayal and abandonment shine light on the gray area in which a divorced Christian finds him/herself within the Christian community. God is faithful even when husbands, and even friends, are not. What I particularly liked was the balance between the true experiences they related, even down to gut-level feelings, and the striking lack of bitterness and anger that often lingers after divorce, even years later. Finally, two Christian women came forward and told others that the crazy-making experiences will end. We will be able to, as the subtitle reads, "Live, Love and Laugh again." Thank you ladies.

Described by Laurie Hall in the foreword as a "giant hug for women who've had their lives shattered by their spouse's infidelity," WHEN HE LEAVES: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives is by turns empowering, empathetic and energizing for anyone who has been dealt "the divorce card."

"You are not alone," writes Kari West and Noelle Quinn. "You belong to a sacred sisterhood, the wounded, the rejected, the betrayed." The authors, both victimized by their ex-husbands' infidelity, are "frustrated by the trend of wives dumped in midlife and children abandoned, and by the response of the church to a crisis that occurs no less frequently within evangelicalism than outside it." They also write for women who have left a husband who "left long before in his mind, while he expected her to pray and stay."

Both authors fought to keep their marriages together without success. But both were able to glue the pieces of their lives back together and move on to healing and wholeness. "I found out when you can't go back, you go forward," writes West.

The authors found that divorced women face:


grief, guilt, anger, hopelessness

stress-related health problems

disappointment with friends, family, church and God

a deep sense of failure, humiliation and rejection

Yet, you will survive, the authors encourage. They urge readers to feel their pain in order to heal; to be willing to grieve the loss of the relationship and dreams. Then, women must embrace the truth about their marriage, and their lives. Finally, they believe, women can move forward to new possibilities and a different future than was planned.

Both West and Quinn offer heartbreaking personal glimpses into their lives spent married to men who were cheating on them. Amazingly, the authors' tone, which easily could be bitter or nasty, remains mostly even-handed (although excruciatingly honest when detailing the cruelty that can happen between spouses). Both authors are vulnerable to the point that Quinn even admits contemplating buying a gun when her hatred against her ex peaked! Prayers of anger and pain are included, penned to God, just as David lamented to the Lord in his Psalms. I want things back the way they were... How am I to endure, O Lord? How am I to get through this?... What did we do to deserve this? Many divorced women will recognize their own questions here.

While raw emotions such as anger and hatred are acknowledged and validated, readers are encouraged to channel them into positive steps forward. Interactive sections allow for readers to journal their own feelings and ideas.

Throughout the book, the authors offer practical ideas for recovery, ranging from simple things (Rise early and walk before breakfast, write a letter to yourself about your dreams) to some that may seem a bit off-beat (pierce your belly button). But then, off-beat is sometimes the point. Divorced women need to find a new identity apart from their one as wife, and to expand their horizons. West and Quinn offer a thoughtful chapter on navigating the twists and turns of single-parenting. There's also a helpful list of practical "housecleaning" ideas to let go of your bitterness by letting go or rearranging physical possessions ("Get rid of the clothes you wore with him" or "Take down everything hanging on the walls, freshen the paint, and re-hang pictures differently.")

Occasionally, the authors' rah-rah spirit ("P.S. You are going to make it!") feels over the top, although some will appreciate their unbridled enthusiasm. Others may find some of the practical ideas for moving forward a bit simplistic ("...write your name on a seashell or a small rock...place it on your nightstand...remember that persistence pays!"). However, the value in even the simplest suggestions offered is that they are easily do-able at a time when even ordinary tasks seem difficult.

An unexpected bonus is the collection of outstanding motivational quotes sprinkled throughout the book, drawn from a diverse cast of characters that includes everyone from G.K. Chesterton to Diane Ackerman; Anne Morrow Lindbergh to Antoine De Saint-Exupéry. Although this is a wonderful book for divorced Christian women, it also is highly recommended that pastors, family members, and those in the church read it, and books like it, to gain deeper understanding in how to minister to those in this situation.

--- Reviewed by Cindy Crosby

I stumbled upon this book, and decided to give it a try, since I felt like no one could understand the pain and anger I was feeling when my ex left when our son was 3 months old. Thanks Kari and Noelle for sharing your feelings, even the negative ones, which helped me stop blaming myself. I could not make him stay, once he decided to be with his new girlfriend, and this book helped me to heal, and to be aware of the strong woman and single mom I have become. By bringing my feelings of anger and disappointment into the open, I have been able to also see how far I have come, and how much God does provide. He sure does work in mysterious ways! God has provided comfort and strength and given me the courage to go on and live a honorable life, despite this little "bump" on my journey. Thank you, Thank you, for writing this book, and letting me know I am not alone or a failure. I plan to read it again for those times I feel discouraged or alone.

This gem of a book was given to me by a (very thoughtful!) friend, when I was still in the blackest "depths of despair"... and what a book, and blessing, it has turned out to be!!!

"When He Leaves" has been healing balm for heart and soul, and is captivating and well written, to boot. Once I opened that first page, I simply couldn't put it down, and stayed up till the (very) wee hours of the morning reading it... laughing, crying and healing my way through.

To this day, when I'm most feeling the mighty struggle of this uphill climb, "When He Leaves" serves to add new oomph to my step, and energy to my stride. I've even been surprised and overjoyed by my own hearty laughter over the stories within...

I simply can't say enough! If you've been through the pain of losing a husband... READ THIS BOOK, and revel in the comfort and hope hid amongst its pages.

AND, if you know someone who's also hurting, I can't think of a more appropriate, truly helpful gift.

I am VERY pleased to post a glowing review, and remain one very loyal, very grateful customer!

I can't say enough about this book. I stumbled across it and it truely was a godsend. The authors, Kari and Nicole, seem like good friends. I was in what I thought was a good, solid marriage--my friends envied how devoted my husband was--and in the space of a week, my life blew up! My husband of 12 years blew the mind of all our family when he left me 5 weeks after my son was born. His affair was a bomb that no one who knew him ever thought he would throw. This book doesn't blame but it also reminds you that When He Leaves, God will uphold you and that the shame lies with the one who broke the covenant, not you. It is written with humor and grace by two women who have stared hell in the face and triumphed. Reading it is like a booster shot of confidence. If you can only get 1 book on divorce, this is THE ONE!!

When He Leaves was my lifesaver when I went through my divorce. My husband 'surprised' me with the news he wanted a divorce, and I was devestated. I used many sources for support, but this book was one of the best. The style it is written in is very down to earth and easy to follow, but it so on the mark with the feelings it describes. The book really goes through the different stages well, and helps the reader identify her emotional state and how to deal with it. I would highly recommend this book for women who dreamed of ever after, and had their husbands ruin that. It was my divorce 'bible'.

Would you think divorce is just as common within the Christian world as in the world at large? Neither Kari nor Noelle Quinn her co-author (both pen names of well-known Christian writers) ever imagined such a thing happening to their Christian marriages. But their husbands had hidden lives - adulteries that nuked their marriages. The authors and their children went through unwanted divorces. They met at a writer's conference and this book was born.

Barbara Johnson of Spatula Ministries endorses When He Leaves. The cover promises to lead the reader toward choosing to live, love and laugh again. The book delivers. You follow their journeys from courtship to shipwreck - through shock, despair, regrouping, repairing and rebuilding their lives with God's help, a divorce support group and time.

Anyone who has weathered a profound loss whether through death, disability or divorce will be touched by this book. Transparent about their inner lives, they offer kind tips in lighthearted style tempered compassion born of the fire of their testings. Wonderful sidebars include: the Prayer for Rage, Eight Promises I make to my Children, and wise words about verbal exploitation for women caught in the web of marriage to a controlling man. Women can be as guilty of this sin, which shoves God to the side and dictates to the soul of another.

When He Leaves is written in a vivid lyrical style similar to Annie Dillard. The book should be recommended reading for every Christian. It will broaden your understanding of extreme loss, and help us show God's compassion to one another in the tough places in life. Thank you Kari West and Noelle Quinn for writing about being raised from the death of a marriage into new life. I had the pleasure of meeting one of the authors at a conference. She confided this honest book was published under the pen names in hopes there will be a redemptive time in her ex husband's life .......................

In my darkest hour and most crippling pain this book was like a comforting hug. These women are putting their arms around you letting you know that they understand and that you are not alone; because they've been where you are and SURVIVED.

They are unbelievably candid about their hurts & hopes for the future - while the whole time leading you to the One who is the greatest healer.

Anyone who is suffering from a seperation or divorce should have this book - you deserve it...

This is the best book I've read so far since my husband left. I was married for over 30 years. I haven't read all of the books available on this subject, but this is the BEST one I've read. In fact, I'm reading it a second time. All of my feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger, shock, etc. are covered by two women who have been there, done that. So darn nice to not feel so alone in pain. Face it, if you haven't lived it you can't know how it feels. These women know.

I found When He Leaves at a very low time in my life; my husband of 22 years left me for a woman by the name of Delilah. I thought I'd married a Christian man, but found through the years that he was into Pornography and he ended up in an affair also. So, When He Leaves was a breath of fresh air to my soul. I've read it and read it again for the comfort and refreshing it brings my spirit. Sometimes when you are hurting and so wounded, it helps so much to know you aren't alone in those feelings. My copy of Kari and Noelle's book is now being read by a friend of mine; I miss it and I want it back so I can read it again. I will continue to pass the book around to others in need or suggest they get the book. After reading When He Leaves I was inspired to write my own love story as Kari and Noelle did in the beginning chapters of their book. I found it very helpful in the healing process. I recommend others do the same. Kari and Noelle thank you so much!