Customer Reviews

When I Grow up: A Memoir

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4 star:		(13)
3 star:		(11)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

A disclaimer: I've been madly in love with Juliana Hatfield's music since I was in high school, in the "find an excuse to leave work at 10 in the morning and buy her new album the day it comes out when the stores open" sort of way. This makes it highly unlikely that I'm capable of delivering a fully unbiased view of this book.

Having gotten that out of the way, "When I Grow Up" is a refreshing snapshot of a musician whose career, by all commercial measures, has been on the decline for well over a decade. Hatfield does not present the sort of tawdry, polished trash that most memoirs by rock artists put out-- there's no ghost writer, there's no glamor. But there is something entirely different-- a lot of grit, a lot of hope and a lot of fragility.

Splitting the chapters largely between non-linear biographical reflections and a detailed account of her US tour promoting Gold Stars 1992-2002, it's largely a story of a shy and somewhat neurotic young woman thrust into a dirty, grimy world of touring rock clubs-- unclean hotels, poor sound systems and creepy fans. And as a fan of Hatfield's music, it's entirely what I'd hope it would be-- well written, engaging and brutally honest. Hatfield does not hide from herself, from her failings, weaknesses and problems, but rather presents them, not as some romanticized presentation of the perils of the rock and roll life, but rather as the everyday troubles of someone trying to live their life and get past their own frailties.

I've been trying to think, as I set out to write this review, if this is something for someone who isn't into Hatfield's music, and I think the answer is a distinct maybe. What she presents is something we don't get a lot of: the point of view of the person who's fallen out of favor. Juliana Hatfield is someone who has survived as a musician but she hasn't exactly thrived.

This book is being released to coincide with Hatfield's latest record, the polished How to Walk Away, a superb effort in its own right, but I'd suggest that a better soundtrack could be found with 1997's Please Do Not Disturb, written shortly after the non-release of "God's Foot", that record very much captures the feel of this text.

Bottom line-- this is a well written and interesting portrait of life as a musician. She doesn't pull any punches and it was everything that her music, painfully honest in a way I'd expect from Hatfield (this is someone who posited, "it's a miracle I'm even here, you're over me" on perhaps her rawest record, 2006's Made in China). Memoirs rarely live up to expectations, they seem too careful. This one is very much what I would have hoped for it.

This book is recommended for fans of Juliana Hatfield and readers who'd like to get a glimpse of the "inner workings" of an artist. I have a lot of Juliana's CDs as well as a few Blake Babies efforts and I enjoy her music from time to time. After reading this book, I can't say much surprised me re: Juliana and her thoughts. A fan of hers can glean this from her recordings.

The book is surprisingly well-written. It's a quick read - but one you don't want to end. In the "readability" department, it's a 5-star book. Juliana is a natural and talented writer. She's very articulate and expressive as well as observant and pretty darn funny. She'd be a great music critic or columnist in a music related magazine. She also excels at social commentary - making wry observations as she travels the country on tour.

As mentioned in other reviews, the chapters alternate between her tour at the time of the writing and meaningful events in her past. It's slightly annoying at first - you'd like her to expound on how the Blake Babies picked up momentum and got signed and so forth, but instead of that the next chapter picks up on tour again. Is it really necessary to know about each club and what her memories are of the audience and the food spread from show to show? I think it was easier for her to fill the book via her journals. I wish she'd gone the autobiography route - She really leaves the reader begging for more autobiographical info. Read the chapters that go beyond the tour and you'll see what I mean. As I read through the book I found myself asking questions re: her food intake, outlook on life and business acumen. Some of these questions were answered towards the end of the book.

It's hard to comment on the book without criticizing Juliana herself. She strikes me as being snobby, condescending and oblivious to what it takes to maintain a fanbase. I've never seen her live, but after reading this it's obvious that as a fan I'd most likely be disappointed in her concerts - she writes about how detached and sloppy her performances were throughout the tour, and I certainly wouldn't want to hang around and meet her. She clearly finds dealing face to face with her fans as something she'd prefer not to do. And she claims it's because of anxieties and not being able to fake a smile. She'll pretend not to hear people call her name and things like that! She reminds me of someone you'd date who was self-effacing, vulnerable and had lots of issues, but instead of feeling sorry for her predicament, you can't stand her because she is disparaging and nitpicks you to no end. She could take a hint from a country artist and realize that some time spent after a gig meeting her fans might help keep her fanbase interested in her and maybe get some good word-of-mouth going for her next tour. Why not genuinely try to like people that make it possible for you to make a living at music? I get the impression she views signing CDs as a necessary evil, rather than a way to meet some of her fans.

It was painful and annoying hearing her repeatedly complain about her hunger as the band drove into a new city. She'd routinely eat one Clif bar for breakfast and next to nothing for lunch then be famished when dinner rolled around and the "spread" (if there was one) at the club wasn't up to her expectations. Why not load up a cooler with some nutritious food so you don't starve? And God forbid if there was any kind of non-vegetable matter (like cheese) on her food. She won't eat the food or she'll scrape it off. She's a vegan and foolishly expects to be able to roll into some nowhere town and find good vegan cooking (if there is such a thing.) She disparages most of the clubs she plays. Good luck getting booked in them again when you decide to tour in the future!

The ironic part of all this, and the pathetic part is that she is fully aware of her shortcomings - she wishes she could be better with her fans and her relationships. She appears to enjoy wallowing in her depression. She occasionally meets men that she has momentary crushes on, but instead of going out after a show somewhere - and maybe making a new friend or potential lover, she retreats to her hotel room. Self-fulfilling prophesy. This is not an inspirational book. It could be called Juliana's "Mein Kampf". And I'm not joking. It's more of a book on what it's like going through life painfully self-conscious, anorexic and mildly to moderately depressed. It made me wonder about the cliche "you are what you eat". If you don't nourish your body, the rest of your being suffers. Read it if you want to feel Juliana's pain or maybe feel better about yourself. About 5% of this book is triumph. Most of it is self obsession. Funny thing is that after reading the book I still liked her, it's hard not to since you get to know her so well, and you know she wishes she could do better.

A major disappointment.

I understand her desire to write a 'warts-and-all' memoir, but instead of giving us gritty reality, Hatfield does nothing but throw herself one long pity party - 300 pages of it.

There are passages regarding life on the road that are interesting and show promise. But her god-awful writing makes the book read like the diary of a teenage drama student. (Where WAS the editor, anyway?) She is a talented song writer for sure, but the poetry involved in song writing is a completely different animal from that of writing prose, and Hatfield simply isn't up to the task. Virtually every-other page exhibits embarrassingly twisted grammar, awful sentence structure and excruciatingly bad writing technique

Worse still is Hatfield's constant complaining: She didn't get $15 food money from a promoter.......her hotel room had an odor she didn't like.......all the "adoring" fans won't leave her alone....she was only paid $1,500 for a show instead of the $3k she wanted........waaa, waaa, waaa. At first I thought this was a set up for later enlightenment. I was waiting for the moment of 20-20 hindsight - the "I see now how lucky I truly was and I shouldn't have treated people like that" moment. But, no, she just keeps complaining right up to the end.

Amazingly, she doesn't even catch on to her numerous contradictions and ironies. Her complaint about not getting the $15 meal money is quickly followed by the chapter about her $400,000.00 advance, for example ($400k would buy a lot of meals, I would think). She admits the $1500 paycheck for the above-mentioned show was "pretty good money, though. I couldn't complain, really." Only to then go ahead and spend the next full page complaining about it.

In one instance, she's approached by a fan after a show who wanted her to autograph about 20 CD's. The discs included imports, singles, and very rare discs that Hatfield admits even SHE doesn't own. But instead of recognizing that this man was a major fan who obviously goes through a lot of effort to purchase her work (and in doing so, puts money in Hatfield's pocket, allowing her to lead the kind of life she's always wanted and the rest of us dream about - a concept that's continually lost on her throughout the book), Hatfield can do nothing but complain about this fan - for a full page and a half - and how burdensome it would be to sign all 20 disc. (She ends up only signing two and sends the fan away.)

Indeed, her lengthy screeds about long-past slights (or at least what she perceives as slights) only leads the reader to ask the obvious questions: can't Hatfield let go of anything? Why does she devote so much effort and page space to minor offenses from years past? What kind of person would be so petty as to spend a full bile-filled page about $15 she didn't get 7 years ago? And why am I wasting my time reading it?

As with most artists with small but highly devoted fan bases, Hatfield's hard-core fans will see anything she creates as nothing less than brilliant (I probably take that attitude toward anything Nick Cave does). But to the rest of us, this is a tortuous book to read, written by a narcissistic, ham-handed writer.

Hatfield's "When I Grow Up" is a great read. It's an intriguing look into the life that so many young people think that they want...a life that is suppose to be glamorous and fun....the life of a musician.

The book starts off with an alternating pattern. Starting with Chapter 1, it begins a chronolongical journey that starts with the first tour of Juliana and Some Girls. Then Chapter two starts the second path- a far less chronological - but still riveting stories from before the tour- stories from childhood- stories of songs and people. These two "paths" intertwine into the story that is Hatfield's life.

Stories from the road are eye-opening to say the least. I think many fans will find her stories of touring to be not so glamorous...from crummy hotels to dressing rooms with no bathrooms to touring in a minivan while sick to inspiration found in notes from fans. Hatfield leaves nothing out. Is it any wonder that she decided to take some time off to find herself?

I found this to be a fast, well written memoir. The prose flows well into the alternating chronology of the book. I recommend this book- not just to Hatfield fans, but to anyone who likes to read the genre or who wants a realistic look of what the life of a musician is really like. Its not the lifestyle one would expect.

Like many other reviewers, I'm a Juliana Hatfield fan, and was eager to read her book, as well as curious that she had written a memoir. But it seems that she has written two memoirs in one, and one is fascinating, while the other is rather tedious. Hatfield chose to split her memoir into alternating parts, one documenting a tour with her band Some Girls, one from her childhood through her first band The Blake Babies and later success on the alt/indie rock circuit with hits like "My Sister."

What redeems this book is Hatfield's spot-on look at some of her more troubling moments and thoughts. The anxiety and depression she faces are laid out starkly, plainly, in ways that could never be accused of glamorizing her profession. She gives the inside scoop on shooting the cover of popular teen magazine Sassy, both how honored she was to be featured, but the downside of fame, being made up and ultimate posing with her guitar, rather than playing it.

When she describes her anorexia, it's familiar to anyone who's suffered from an eating disorder, and Hatfield deserves kudos for her unfiltered delivery. It's clear by the end that she is not trying to impress anyone, but simply using the form of memoir as another way to communicate. It's also clear that music not only saved her, but is something she continues to feel driven to do, which makes her ambivalence about the industry, despite the many pitfalls and problems she describes, frustrating.

The book is marred, however, by way too many details about the life of a traveling musician, ones that lose impact upon repetition. Hatfield seems to find no hotel room too dirty, no rock club too scuzzy, not impending tantrum worth skipping over in favor of the narrative. Sometimes these annoyances are interesting, such as the overzealous bordering on creepy fans she has to yell at to get out of her dressing room.

Ultimately, this book reads like it was cathartic for Hatfield to write, but could have had a stronger vision of what makes for entertaining reading. It jumps around and gives too much monotonous information while it could have focused more on her emotions, songwriting process, and other aspects of her life. Still, it's worth a read for Hatfield fans or general music fans who want insight into what the real, unglamorous life of a rock star is.

This book centers on the complaints Juliana Hatfield has regarding a tour she completed about five years ago. She traveled across the country in a van which she often drove herself. Because she was not a superstar with megabucks, she had to endure things like unpleasant motel rooms and crummy/non-existent dressing rooms. Although she never had to play Phil's Pancakes and Beer in Ratholesville, some of the places don't appear to be much better.

There also are fleeting references to an unhappy childhood. One poignant recollection concerned a question she asked her father when she was ten. She was troubled by a bump on her skull that she feared might be a brain tumor. She asked her father if such a bump could be a tumor, and he, a radiologist, said "It might be." She said she worried about this for months until she realized that brain tumors do not manifest themselves in this way.

She recounts stories of weird, boorish fans. She complains about the dismal "riders" (free food and drinks) that some of the clubs provided for her band. There was tension involving her road manager and her "merch guy" who sold T-shirts and CDs at her shows. There are many stories that remind us how very heartless people can be. Basically, Hatfield projects herself as a sensitive person in a very insensitive world.

Hatfield made it clear that she often suffers from low self-esteem and has stretches of deep dark depression. She is unhappy with her voice, disappointed that she can't belt them out like Joan Jett and Chrissie Hynde.

Her voice (which she describes as "young sounding, chirpy") seems great to me on such songs as "This Lonely Love" and "Not Enough" from her 2008 album How to Walk Away. I hope that she is able to release her God's Foot album, which was nixed by Atlantic.

It seems to me that Hatfield has a lot of talent. Although this book suffers from too many variations on the same theme, there are powerfully written passages. I could see her writing, say, a novel.

She has several hits. She received a $400,000 advance from Atlantic Records in 1992 when it seemed likely she would reach the rock heights to which she aspired. But she never reached those heights; she was on a downward slide at the time of the tour featured in the book. That she had such great expectations that were not realized is the driving force behind the angst which is pervasive in this memoir.

Annoyingly, the book skips around from the aforementioned tour to the beginning of her career in the late eighties, to her gravy days in the early nineties, to the tour again, with occasional references to her childhood thrown in. Added to the mix are accounts of her career covering the period just before publication.

There's just too much detail. Hatfield references a journal. Clearly, she kept a detailed journal and was willing to share with readers several accounts of such trivia as exactly what she ordered for meals and exactly what she purchased at some store near a club where she would sing a little later. Her careful attention to food likely is a product of the anorexia that she suffered.

She certainly is not afraid to admit a weakness. She seems to be extremely open and honest about her life. She offers much insight about songwriting and the tough business of making music.

Highly recommended for Juliana Hatfield fans and for anyone who is curious about the everyday life of a touring rock band on a limited budget. But the average Joe or Jolinda who is looking for a quick, fun read should keep looking.

I got this on a whim - I was somewhat a fan of Juliana Hatfield's back in my college days. I had a couple of her albums. I didn't really follow her career after that. If you were into 'alt rock' in the early-to-mid '90s you might remember songs like "My Sister" or "Universal Heartbeat." I'm glad I read this, it is an excellent memoir that accomplishes two very important things. First, it inspired me to check out more of Hatfield's music, as she has consistently released new albums. Second, it read like the genuine voice of the author. What I mean is, since I obviously don't know Juliana Hatfield personally, it didn't have the bland ghost-written generic feel of so many celeb/artist/entertainer autobiographies.

The book is structured in a non-linear way, alternating (for the most part) between a chapter regarding Hatfield's past, followed by a chapter regarding a recent tour. It skips what I find to be usually the least interesting part of a bio: the early childhood years before the subject started doing what it is you're probably reading the book to find out about. Aside from a few anecdotes, the earliest stories told by Hatfield are during her college years right before forming her first band Blake Babies.

I found the book very interesting because most of the artist autobiographies I've read were of very well known people. This book provides a very detailed look at the career of a talented singer/musician/songwriter who had a very brief flirtation with stardom only to find herself a relative obscurity for the rest of her career. This is not about rock star debauchery and excess. These stories of Hatfield's life are crammed full of the minutia you usually don't hear about in the books of better known stars. I say that as a good thing. Throughout the book, I felt like a was getting a pretty good idea of what Hatfield is like as a person. That's a good sign when reading someone's memoir. I imagine a lot of this stuff was culled from years of religiously kept journals. It's all so detailed.

This is a good book to read for popular music fans in general, even if your awareness of Juliana Hatfield is limited. She writes in depth about the music industry and it's many pitfalls - the way non-mainstream artists like her have a way of falling through the cracks.

I wanted to like this book-I really did-but 300 plages of Juliana whining is about all I can handle. It's just depressing. I love her music and I loved the Blake Babies and I continue to listen to her cds however I wish I never knew the inspiration behind it all. I wanted this to be a book about band life, being a girl in a band, talk in detail about record labels and (okay I admit it) gossip about other bands she toured and recorded with. Instead it's a whiny tome about her self-loathing, depression and relationships on the road with her crew. This reads like some kind of pre-writing exercise before she actually wrote the book. Petal Pusher by Laurie Lindeen is MUCH better written and way more interesting.

I developed a major crush on Juliana Hatfield in the early 90's when I first heard her single My Sister, and unlike a lot of the 90's era alterna-rockers I phased through back then, I enjoyed her music more with each new album. When I heard she had written a memoir, I knew I had to check it out.

When I Grow Up is equal parts memoir and tour diary, with chapters form Hatfield's past trading off with chapters chronicling the surprisingly unglamorous life of a touring rock band. Her rise to (semi)stardom in the 90's alternative rock boom and subsequent fall from mainstream glory is documented, as are several seemingly unrelated observations that shed some light on what drives Juliana Hatfield as an artist and a person.

Anyone who seriously follows her music (and I suspect you wouldn't be checking out this book if you didn't) understands that Juliana Hatfield is a very complex, and very creative person, but I was surprised at just how revealing this book is. The profoundly insecure, often depressed person described in this book totally wrecked the fierce, fearless, sensual persona I imagined from albums like Bed and Beautiful Creature.

Perhaps the biggest surprise (and given the strength off her lyrics I really shouldn't have been surprised at all) of When I Grow Up is just how good a writer Hatfield is. At various points throughout the book I found myself wishing she had other books available.

Serious Juliana Hatfield fans really need to check out When I Grow Up. She lays everything on the table here for all to see, and while it isn't always pretty, it lets her fans get to know her a lot better.

Most of us have thought about what it would be like to be a famous singer: The attention. The glamour. The money. The power. Singer/Songwriter, Juliana Hatfield got a small taste of that life for herself. In her recent memoir, When I Grow Up, Miss Hatfield recounts the year in which she first toured the United States with her then newly formed band, Some Girls. You'll see what it was really like to be on that tour: The long car rides. The cheaply rundown clubs and dives. The poor working conditions. The bug infested motel rooms. The altercations with fans and co-workers. The difficulties performing. The struggles to stay at peace. Throughout the books take on the tour are other chapters of past reflections by Juliana, regarding her small beginnings in Boston, Massachusetts, meeting up with future Blake Babies band mates, Joe & Freda, as well as being signed briefly by Atlantic Records, only to be let go a few years later, after making three studio albums with them and never seeing the last one released. You'll discover Juliana's struggles with depression and anorexia, and read about her difficulties growing up at home and how they affected her future personal relationships. See where she is today, more confident and full of life than ever before. This is a small window into the life of a very gifted and talented artist.


I have to confess, I have never listened to any of Juliana Hatfield's music. Not because it isn't any good (far from it) but because I was simply unaware. I picked up this book out of pure curiosity. Being a struggling artist myself, the description on the back of the book interested me greatly. Though at first I worried that perhaps it would be too self-indulgent (yet another disgruntled performer complaining about why they never became a huge sensation) I couldn't have been more further from the truth, and found this book hard to put down as I was reading it. I kept wanting to find out more about Juliana. Towards the middle of the book I had to force myself to slow down in order to savor everything more deeply. Each chapter is quite interesting, with so many intriguing and fascinating stories to uncover. I found Miss Hatfield herself to be quite likable as well as a very nice person. She reveals many different sides of herself in this memoir, and even the less flattering views are understood and respected as you read them. The woman has a good heart and a rich soul. She'll complain to her crew, at times during the tour, due to lack of food or fatigue, etc, only to feel extremely guilt ridden having done so, and apologize shortly thereafter. You cannot dislike her. The self-criticism she evokes upon herself throughout the book is both humbling and genuine.


Every struggling artist should read this book. It will speak to you in so many different ways and fill you with a newfound hope, especially when your own life's pursuits seem at their bleakest. This is a woman who suffered through it all, and not only survived but continually persevered, and ultimately succeeded. I truly connected with her on a very personal level, and felt the pain and hardship of her life as well as the triumphs and victories. Get this book and discover, for yourself, the amazing journey of this talented woman. It is truly inspiring. Thank You, Juliana Hatfield.


When I Grow Up - A Memoir


"I went out looking for an audience and I found them, just as they found me. Now I am by myself, and I can feel it: it is as it should be. When-if-I decide to come back, they will come, too."
- J.Hatfield


Also Recommended:
How To Walk Away (2008)
The White Broken Line: live recordings (2007)
Sittin' in a Tree... EP (2007)
Made in China (2005)
In Exile Deo (2004)
Gold Stars 1992-2002 (2002)
Bed (1998)
Only Everything (1995)
Become What You Are (1993)
Hey Babe (1992)