Customer Reviews

When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD

5 star:		(51)
4 star:		(10)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(12)

 

 

This was one of the books on our reading list prior to pursuing adoption of an older child (we spent about 2 years researching common disorders, therapies, adoption parenting techniques etc prior to adopting). We found it a little scary (the author describes very severe RAD cases) but found the advice very helpful in asking questions about the various children we considered and for then parenting the child we have adopted. As with any book, the authors advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt and adapted to suit your own family realities. For example, the author suggests that the mother must be at home full time and provide all the dicsipline/rewards at first. This was impossible in our situation and we felt that our son needed healthy interaction with both parents as a united team. She also places a high value on the role of sweets as comfort/nurturing rewrdas - but we are a family that does not eat sweets nor do we like to encourage the use of sweets. Overall, however, we found it worth reading and it has informed our own parenting strategies and also help us cope with some of the bad days because it makes us more aware of where these outrageous, exhausting behaviours come from. Although the author is not a professional whose advise is based on scientific research, I believe her experience and her success with severe cases should count for something. It was recommended to us by professional social workers and by our clinical psychiatrist/psychologist team. Our son has progressed from mild-moderate RAD to a more or less average 10 year old in one year.

This book is what many parents of RAD kids (children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder) refer to as "the purple bible". Is it our sole source of guidance? Of COURSE not. In addition to "When Love is Not Enough", we have read Keck and Kupecky's "Adopting the Hurt Child", Cline and Fay's "Parenting with Love and Logic", Claudia Jewett's "Adopting the Older Child" and find wisdom in each.

That being said, it MUST be brought to the attention of everyone who parents a child dx'd with RAD that Nancy Thomas' guide is the most practical and helpful guide available.

In only 4 months, our lives with our adopted 13 year-old daughter (she came to live with us at age 11 and was diagonosed with RAD only 4 months ago) have changed radically. There is laughter and joy in our home again and she is making progress - she is HEALING.

To be sure, there have been hurdles to applying Ms. Thomas' methods, chiefly the fact that both my husband and I have careers and home-schooling is not an option. Additionally, our daughter's age (13 years old). It has not been easy and we continue to be challenged every day; however, through creatively customizing Ms. Thomas' methods to what our daughter is telling us that she needs (through her actions), she is experiencing REAL success and she is HEALING.

Parents of RAD kids, there are reviews here which disparage Nancy Thomas' methods in that they do not address respect for the child. I would like to remind these short-sighted individuals that respect is earned. Also, those children who do not respect themselves will certainly not be able to accept it from others. Following Nancy Thomas' guide affords children the opportunity to EARN respect - both from themselves and others.

There are also reviews which attempt to discommend the resources of Nancy Thomas due to a lack of credentials. To these readers, I would remind them of the adage: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." Enough said there.

Yes, there are spelling and grammatical errors. Yes, the book's writing leaves much to be desired. Here, we must keep in mind the limited resources of nonprofit organizations.

ALL THAT being said, if you are a parent of a child who has accurately been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), you ignore this guide at your AND your child's peril. Certainly, this is NOT the only resource. It will, however, bring about a change in your family dynamic that is nothing short of miraculous. It will enable your family to assist your "RADish" to begin to relinquish the debilitating patterns of control and, instead, begin building REAL relationships with others...relationships built on truth, trust, and love.

Nancy L. Thomas has been critizied for lack of credentials. 20 years of experience with severely disturbed children sounds like pretty good credentials to me. It is the most depressing book I have ever read, but I am sure she is right on. Why, because our adopted son's treatment foster mother who has had 266 foster children used these techniques successfully on our son. We took the standard training, read the books by the credentialed experts and in three years have undone all of the good work of his foster mother. It will be very hard to regain that terratory, but I know we must. No, I would not like to live that way either as a parent or child, but I am willing to do so to save my son from what he is becoming. You may not like the book but my experience tells me it is correct.

Someone has finally put what I live with into words. People did not believe what I said, because they saw a different part to my son, to the extent that they accused me of child abuse because I was "too strict". We have been using these strategies for just a few days, and we can already see a difference. I feel less stressed because I have ways of dealing with the behaviors that stressed me most. Any parent who has a child with ADHD, ODD, or RAD, should read this book several times. The methods may seem unconventional, but these are not conventional kids. I've lived with it for 5 years, and this is the first thing that's worked.

I find it interesting that only three of the negative reviews written were written by actual parents. All the rest were written by "professionals".

Being a foster parent and adoptive parent that is a professional, I have had to work with many therapist and social workers that know a lot of theory, but have never lived and worked 24/7 with a child that has RADs. I have listened to the Nancy Thomas' tapes and gone to her seminars. She is not a "cult", nor does she say everything she does is gospel. In fact, it's the opposite. She tells you, you need to have a profession therapist for you and your child at all times. A cult puts themself at the center and you can only go to them for answers. She tells you to not tackle this alone. Like most of life and books, everything in her book may not be for every child, but there is a lot you can benefit from. Overall she is teaching that what brings security and self esteem for a child is their learning to respect others and work within boundaries.

Her tapes and books do not address every issue that a child can have, but she does state that if a child has RADs there are normally other issues involved. Her book is not to diagnose every possible problem, it is addressing RAD, and again tells you to get professional help as a part of your program.

After working with children for as long as she has and having the results that she has you earn the right to be a professional. It is not the degree that makes you an expert in a field. There are many "professionals" that never earn that right.

In the words of one professional who rated this book with a poor rating: "Parents with a little knowledge do not compare to trained and licensed professionals who can understand all the nuances and complexities of a troubled child." As both a professional and a parent of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I have to wholeheartedly disagree with this statement. No one can understand all the nuances and complexities of a troubled child better than those parents who have lived with them. This is the type of mindset on the part of professionals that keeps families stuck and isolated. As professionals we must absolutely believe in the parents of these children. These are normal, intelligent, compassionate human beings who are highly discouraged and need therapists to empower them to help their own children. I don't agree with everything Nancy says. I do agree with some reviewers here that say her book is disorganized and hard to understand with strategies that are at times somewhat impractical. I have found her set of cd's called "Healing Trust" to far better articulate both the treatment strategies and the HEART behind them. I highly recommend using the book and cd's together for a better understanding. We will not find all the answers for our children in any one resource. As parents we have to take what we can from every resource and prayerfully apply them appropriately for our children. Nancy Thomas' materials are not the only way, but they are high on my list of practical, helpful tools that have helped save our family from crumbling.

This book is not just a life saver but a life changer! We have 4 adopted children all with attachment disorder or issues of some degree. This book along with Nancy's conferences saved our family! It gave us hope for our children and more importantly it gave our children hope for a stable future. Each of our children have become loving, secure and attached children and are respectful, responsible and a whole lot of fun! We implemented nancys techniques into our home along with the childrens regular therapies and each of the therapists have agreed we never would have gotten to where we are without Nancys help! This book should be read by anyone adopting or fostering a child or anyone parenting a child with attachment issues. I would much rather read a book by a SUCCESSFUL parent than a bunch of UNsuccessful professionals. Thank-You Nancy for giving hope to the families who feel there is none!

I have read many books on attachment and bonding and found this to be the most helpful. Nancy Thomas shares many concrete ways to #1--help your child improve his behavior and #2--help you maintain a loving attitude toward the child in the process. Patience, joyful living, and 'smiling eyes' can be hard when a child challenges every request, but Nancy's tips make it so much easier. My son is still quite young and his attachment issues are mild, but I am so glad to have these tools now before his behavior is 'cemented'. The book is helping us to maximize our bond to each other right now, which of course tremendously improves my son's chance for a bright future. I recommend this book to *anyone* who even wonders if their child *might* have attachment problem. Some of Nancy's tips have also been effective with my well-attached children.
(Updated Dec 2008: Son is now a healthy, happy, well-attached 10 year old!)

Three years ago, it seems like a lifetime. My son was 4, I was his foster mother and I was fighting to understand what was wrong with him. Having never heard of RAD I stumbled across it when a school counselor friend of my mother heard her describe my sons rages, lies, manipulations, and lengthy history of abuse. Finally I knew what was wrong! Through my own research I found this book and it gave me the strength and knowledge to pull my son through his battle with RAD. It took two years, intense therapy, sleepless nights, and nerves of steel. I can honestly say this book was God sent and without it I would not of adopted my son as he would of not gotten the proper diagnosis and I would of not known how to help him. Thank you Nancy Thomas!

When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD does offer some very great information and insight about parenting children with Reactive Attachment Disorder however as the Reviewer below me points out some of the advice seems a bit extreme to me.

I also believe that some approaches are not healthy for children with other significant issues and found that parenting a child with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) specifically Alcohol Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder (ARND) is completely different and requires a far different approach then those offered by the leading experts (?) in Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Many of the tips and advice for parenting a RAD child do not take into account Short term Memory or Processing difficulties many children adopted from Foster Care may also have due to brain damage.

The approaches used for RAD children only caused Secondary Behavior Symptoms for my child who was diagnosed RAD and ARND. Once we were aware that our daughter has brain damage the tips and approaches offered by this outline no longer seemed needed. Once we recognized our childs disability and allowed ourselves to look for different approaches the majority of RAD symptoms went away and our whole family has changed as a result.

I believe that it is important to understand that attachment takes time and that it is not always the only thing parents need to be worried about. When we focus on the right things attachment will build more naturally.

Anna Glendenning
Adoptive Parents Network