Customer Reviews

When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation

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After months and months of looking for resources, I came upon this book. I have been married for over 13 years to a wonderful man who was sexually abused for most of his childhood. Throughout our marriage I felt alone, rejected, not good enough to change him, mad, confused, hopeless, hurt, and aching for my husband to be "whole". I thought "if I could just do this, or say that, he can be fixed". There is not enough help out there for male survivors and even less help for wives of male survivors. This book was a God send. I read it in 2 days. Every chapter, I had an "a-ha" moment. The book was literally my whole relationship with my husband, spelled out. The author shows such a great deal of caring and true compassion for all boys who have suffered from abuse. His love comes through deeply in his written words. I felt so alone for all those years and this book helped me realize that I didn't have to be. It helped explained all the little things that were too painful for my husband to explain or the things that he didn't know how to explain. I realized that our story/issues were not unique. The things in his book fit like a blue print right over our lives. If you love a man who has been sexually abused, please read this book. After reading the book, I called my husband and we had a long talk. I took all the clarity and advice that the author gave in the book and it truly was amazing how my husband responded. Please know that with love, patience, and resources such as this book, you and your loved one can begin to heal and recover.

This book will help anyone who has been sexually abused or has a friend/relative who is a victim.

Cecil Murphey is an unusually kind and caring person. He was a pastor before he took up writing full time. If you meet him personally, or read one of his books, you'll realize that he will probably know how you feel, regardless.

Murphey has written more than 100 books. Some are as-told-to stories. But When the Man You Love Was Abused is non-fiction. This book is based on his many questions and discussions with abuse survivors, and his own horrific experiences.

One in six males has experienced unwanted abusive sexual contact before the age of sixteen. Murphey writes to the women who love these men, with sound advice, sympathy and encouragement on how to recognize and deal with the soul-ripping that occurs when little boys endure unspeakable atrocities. Usually there is no one to help or rescue the boy. He holds the filthy secrets inside himself.

The author offers information and practical insight for the women (or anyone) who love these men. He lends encouragement with a balanced mix of statistics, personal insight, and inspirational stories from other survivors. He also coaches the abused on surviving, even thriving, after their past abuses. He speaks in a gentle tone that soothes the soul, and offers hope.

Murphey's closing words to women are encouraging (page 256): "Sexual abuse is one of the worst torments a boy can go through. It attacks his physical, spiritual, and psychological integrity. If you are committed to help the adult survivor in your life, you can be a true heroine in his life. He needs someone. He needs you." I hear rumors that a version for female survivors is on the way, and I'm glad.

Read more at Cec's blog, [...].

Reviewed by Audrey Hebbert, M.A., author of Green Light Red Light

When A Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation by Cecil Murphy is written in two parts. The first part deals with his own personal horrific trauma and how he handled it over many years, as well as his compassion for men who were sexually molested/abused as children. He reaches out passionately and directly about some of the areas abused men will need to address to become whole-giving an inside peek of the male's psyche and emotions. He's direct about what worked for him and what didn't. It's not a `fix-it' book, but instead helps men realize they aren't alone or crazy and that healing can be reached. The One who ultimately does the healing is the Lord, and He uses many different people to accomplish the task.

A few of his topics in Part 1: Who He Is

* Who Are the Molested?
* A Personal Journey
* Where Was God?
* A theft of Childhood
* Flashbacks and Dreams
* The Effects of Abuse
* Male Self-Images
* Forgiving the Abuser/Himself
* plus 14 more topics

The second half of the Cecil's book is directed specifically to the women in these men's lives-how they can help him through the healing process by being there for him and encouraging him. Easy? No way! Necessary? Absolutely!

Part 2 contains some of the following:

* The Other Victim
* Accept His Unspeakable Problem
* Believe Him and Help Him Believe
* Accept His Shame
* Remind Him You Care
* Listen, Listen, Listen
* Pray for Him
* Be Honest with Him
* plus 14 more topics

Women, this is definitely a book to have on your shelf if the man in your life is struggling with childhood sexual abuse. Cecil has wise words of advice that will you help stand beside the man in your life through his healing process by encouraging him. Whether the survivor in your life is a brother, father, son, boyfriend, or husband, you will find encouragement and strength from Cecil's book. I personally feel that the book could also be used in reverse circumstances where it's the woman who has been abused, especially part 2.

Special thanks to Danielle Douglas of Douglas Public Relations for sending me a review copy.

"A book that encourages and instructs women by delving into a topic not many men easily admit or care to discuss and reveals the power of grace and unconditional love."

How can a woman reach, support, or help the man she loves who has experienced the most heinous of tragedies, childhood sexual molestation? The answer is found in I Peter 3:2 "While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear."

When we think of child molestation, our hearts sink into sadness for the child. But what of these children who grow to adulthood? What sadness is left behind in them only to re-emerge through behaviors that stifle emotional connections, cripple their ability to trust, and leave them scarred and broken? How are women to respond to the men they love who are crippled by the sins of others?

In this book, Cecil Murphey reveals his personal story of childhood molestation and how, with the grace shown to him by his wife Shirley and others, helps others to know how to encourage and deal with the men in their lives that suffer silently.

There are two parts to this book. The first, Part One: Who He Is, focuses on the various behavior patterns of those who've suffered abuse. The second, Part Two: How You Can Help, provides the reader with specific ways to respond to the men they love before and during the healing process.

Women will find insight and wisdom in this book. Women will also find the indestructible power of unconditional love in the example of the author's wife, Shirley Murphey and how she loved the author through his healing.

I met Cecil Murphey recently and found him to be quite genuine. I heard him speak about this book and wanted to read and review it. This issue has not touched my life, but in reading it I gained a new knowledge of the depth of pain and wickedness in this world and the power of what can help in overcoming it - the strength and wisdom of a godly woman.

A needed book, I recommend it highly.

Reviewed by: Keiki Hendrix
Reviewed for: The Vessel Project

A quick, easy read that's been very, very helpful, especially from a very non-judgmental Christian perspective. I read it through immediately and have referred back to it again and again, as needed. It's no substitute for therapy and/or support groups, and is not meant to be, but it's great resource that I recommend to every woman who loves a man who has been abused.

Cec Murphey has been at it again, writing yet another book to bless and heal and minister. When a Man You Love Was Abused by New York Times bestselling author Cecil Murphey, published by Kregel, is written with the empathy of a survivor who knows the pain experienced by far too many young males. At last, this awkward subject, often avoided and ignored, is addressed honestly and compassionately, opening the door for many to finally admit and deal with the abuse they experienced as young boys or adolescents. And because the book is directed toward those who love someone who experienced such abuse, the abuse survivor won't have to walk through the healing alone. If someone you love has had such an experience, don't wait another minute to order this book. Then read it and apply it--and be ready to offer real help and healing to the man you love who was once abused.

I've often heard the statement "Men, don't tell." in reference to childhood sexual abuse. How sad. How tragic. I needed to know why. What makes male survivors of CSA so closed-off, so alone? Why is it so hard for them to "tell", and how can the women in their lives love and assist them as they journey toward healing? Cecil Murphey answered my questions as only a survivor who has embraced true healing could. He's broken his silence, exposed his pain, and given me the precious gift of insight.

As a mother whose daughter was sexually abused, I understand firsthand that sexual abuse weaves a complex and confusing web. For me, reading When a Men You Love Was Abused was like having a counselor at my fingertips. Cecil Murphey lays out those complexities in a point-by-point manner and brings clarity to each. I not only came to a better understanding of my husband (my daughter's abuser), but also found myself examining my childhood and understanding myself a little better.

With example after example from his life and the lives of others, Murphey cuts through these ugly cobwebs. Part 1 deals with the specific effects of sexual abuse. He covers such topics as false memories, inconsistent behavior, flashbacks and dreams, and much more. Part 2 offers practical advice on how to help your husband. In clear and concise terms, Murphey discusses effective and ineffective listening, helping him see his emotions, being careful about touch and how it affects him, and more.

Whether you know or just question if your husband suffered abuse, this is an essential book to read and keep on hand. For counselors and pastors, I'd place it on the required reading list.

This book is really well written. This topic of men who are abused is not addressed very often. Cecil goes through each of the feelings a man may have, why he may be reacting in a certain way and how you can help him to heal. He speaks on forgiveness, what forgiveness is, what it is not. This book is filled with personal stories from men who have chosen to share so other men do not feel as alone as they did in their pain and that there is healing beyond the pain.
if someone you know was abused, molested, man or even a woman, this is one of the most helpful books I have read on the topic. when you are looking to help and to understand, look up this book! This book should be in every library.

Some of the information was good, but the constant referral to religious ideals was simply too distracting. The author has to do whatever works for him. It didn't work well for this reader though. Kudos for the effort. Points well taken.