When the Music Stopped: Discovering my Mother [Hardcover]

Thomas J. Cottle (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 2004

A son's coming to terms with his mother's decision to abandon her career as a concert pianist in order to raise her children.

Editorial Reviews

From the Back Cover

This is the story of one woman's decision to forfeit a brilliant career for the sake of motherhood. Once a child prodigy, Gitta Gradova traveled the world as an internationally acclaimed concert pianist, performing recitals as well as appearing with prominent orchestras of her era. Her son Thomas J. Cottle uses written records, interviews, and personal reminiscence, to reconstruct her life, as well as their own mother-son relationship. He is at times a storyteller, at times a psychologist, at times a son seeking to uncover those aspects of his mother's life he could never know, or perhaps, chose not to know until it was too late.

About the Author

Thomas J. Cottle is a sociologist, clinical psychologist, and Professor of Education at Boston University who has written more than twenty-five books, published in several languages.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 279 pages
• Publisher: State University of New York Press (March 2004)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0791459977
• ISBN-13: 978-0791459973
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.3 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (3 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #809,158 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Beautiful Book, May 16, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: When the Music Stopped: Discovering my Mother (Hardcover)

This is a story about a fascinating woman, the writer's mother Gitta Gradova, a brilliant pianist who--after all kinds of pressures and for all kinds of reasons--stopped performing publicly in order to raise her family. Her son has brought her back to life on the pages of this book along with her dozens of brilliant celebrated friends and colleagues. That's not the half of it, though.
This writer, an experienced and articulate student of human nature whose background in psychology has--somehow--not dulled his personal honesty, takes the oppurtunity to explore the landscape of children and parents as children grow up, the motives of artists in general and of his mother in particular, the conflict all talented women face as their children are born, and the nature of performance of all kinds. Cottle's tangential discussions of the nature of art--rich with thought and examples--are more complete, provocative and loving than many books devoted to the subject.
This is a book about art and a book about family showing the balance between the two that all artists most somehow find. It's a book about women and their sons, about the sacrifices and frictions of life here on earth, and ultimately about all of us.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Gitta Gradova, and Chicago's Glorious Musical Past, December 9, 2007

By 

Carol Lems-Dworkin (Evanston, IL) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: When the Music Stopped: Discovering My Mother (Paperback)

We search in vain through Harold Schonberg's book, THE GREAT PIANISTS: FROM MOZART TO THE PRESENT, for the name "Gitta Gradova," a Chicago-born concert pianist and internationally acclaimed genius. How could such a respected NEW YORK TIMES critic have omitted the awesome Gitta Gradova from his carefully researched publication of 1963? Three possibilities come to mind: 1. Gitta left no recordings, 2. She dropped out "cold turkey" in 1941 (after a career of less than twenty years), 3. She was a woman.

But Dr. Thomas J. Cottle, author, professor, and family therapisr, finally sets the record straight in his powerful biography of his mother, Gitta Gradova, WHEN THE MUSIC STOPPED: DISCOVERING MY MOTHER. Because of its rare candor, based on the son's keen observations and remembrances of his anguished youth spent at Hawthorne Place, Chicago, this biography is unforgettable.

Born in Chicago in 1904, a city that remained her home base. Gitta Gradova (originally Gertrude Weinstock) was the youngest child of parents who had emigrated from Russia. Her ambitious father quickly recognized the exceptional gifts of his prodigy child, and saw to it that from the age of six she was directed only towards becoming a concert pianist. (In pursuit of this career, she never finished high school.)

Early musical studies took place in Chicago, but as her mastery grew, her father determined that she should go to New York for further musical studies. He had met and become friends with Sergei Prokofiev, and assumed that this composer might be of help to Gitta. Their first meeting in Chicago, however, did not augur well. According to Gitta herself, when her father introduced her to Prokofiev, he asked her, "What will you play for me?" And she responded in the self-assured style (or facade) that later characterized her stage personality, "Who the hell are you? I don't want to play for you."

Nevertheless, when Gitta was twelve years old, the father packed her off on a train to go all by herself to New York. Prior to her leaving, her father had asked Prokofiev to watch over her health, her well-being, and above all, her developing artistry.

By Gitta's account, she was all alone when she arrived in New York, and at first did not even have a place to stay. No mention whatsoever is made of Cottle's grandmother's part - or non-part - in her husband's grandiose plans, and Cottle later addresses this separation, imposed on a young child, as one of several experiences that may explain some of his mother's behavior - especially her all-consuming animosity towards him, the rare male over whom she ever had any control.

Later, she actually managed to spend a fair amount of time with Prokofiev, and although she was never really overly fond of him, still she did respect him. He had a salutary effect on her musical growth, and she was most indebted to him for introducing her to Sergei Rachmaninov, her lifelong friend and mentor. (Despite her eventual vast repertoire, she still tended to prefer playing Rachmaninov's music in concert.)It was around this time that she took the stage name, Gitta Gradova.

Besides Gitta's own writings in this book. there are also excerpts from reviews of her many triumphant appearances. Even for her final concert in 1940, with the New York Philharmonic, one critic was able to rave:

"There is fire and brimstone in music, and Mme. Gradova fanned them into a dazzling blaze of brilliance."

One year later she left the concert stage forever. Although Gitta explained her reason for ending her concert career as the desire to devote herself to "motherhood" (she already had two small children) it would seem that there were more complex dynamics at work. Cottle, author of some thirty books and numerous articles in the field of psychology, analyzes and speculates painstakingly on these variables and those of other disciplines as well.

Despite her professed dedication to motherhood, she in fact turned out to be an ill-equipped parent (even a damaging one). And great artist that she was, she ended up, to use Cottle's simile, like a "Ferrari caged in a garage," imprisoned in an untenable situation of her own making.

Although she really may have loved her children and done the best for them that she knew how, it would have been better, her son seems to feel, if she had remained on the concert stage. Yet, at the same time he is also aware that for a number of reasons this might have been risky - particularly in light of her terror of making memory slips, an obsession that grew increasingly menancing during her last years of concertizing.

Gitta's personality was complex. In turn, she could be warm - gracious - fascinating - gregarious - clever - insightful - articulate - magnetic - loyal. Later in life, she was remembered as a charismatic hostess who presided over star-studded soirees at Hawthorne Place, Chicago, sometimes a witty and and engaging story teller, or spontaneous spell-binding pianist. She had never given up music entirely, and was quite comfortable in the security of her own home, playing chamber music extemporaneously with her celebrated guests.

But Gitta had a darker side, and everyday life at Hawthorne Place was far from joyous. Often she would drag around the house in an unkempt, ill-conceived outfit, depressed, angry, complaining, preoccupied with details of some banal soap opera, finding her own existence either irritating or three-quarters empty. But it was especially "Tommy," who became the scapegoat, doomed to bear the brunt of his mother's savage sarcasm.

During his adolescence, they would have terrible word duels on a regular basis. At the lowest point Gitta would tell Tommy that when she would finally be rid of him (presumably meaning "dead") she would be "smiling" in her casket. This ghoulish scenario haunted her son well into adulthood. But not to be outdone, Tommy would retort that Gitta was totally worthless, and, as a mother, one rotten failure. The exact words were unimportant. This was a "dialect of insult" in which each participant aimed at the jugular, and deep wounds were inflicted that never totally healed.

Although this was the heyday in Chicago of psychoanalysis, and mother and son each had their share of psychoanalytical probing, yet nothing really helped to dissipate the miasma that prevailed at Hawthorne Place. Dr. Cottle believes than an expert family therapist might have been the answer, but alas, they were not rescued in time.

The book, which provides a rare record of Chicago's musical history, contains vivid descriptions of the sumptuous soirees held regularly at Hawthorne Place. On these occasions, Gitta would join in extemporaneous chamber music, along with the many internationally known musicians present. Some of these comprised Vladimir Horowitz, her true "alter-ego," not to mention Sergei Rachmaninov, Arturo Toscanini, Sergei Prokofiev, Josef Hofmann, Nathan Milstein, Jasha Heifitz, Igor Stravinsky, AD INFINITUM.(In one photo, there is the rare image of a laughing Rachmaninov, standing close to his friend Gitta, along with informal snapshots of Gitta and her other illustrious guests, not to mention fascinating glimpses of family members.)

Many Chicagoans - even musicians - are unaware of their city's glorious musical past, and that at one time Hawthorne Place was THE happening place for what was perhaps the greatest chamber music to be heard anywhere in the world. They may never have heard that this venue was at one time a true "Mecca," where world class artists could rub shoulders on a regular basis, and be moved to make spectacular music together. In fact, even in New York City there may never have been one single site where so many great artists gathered together time after time. It was the best of all possible worlds, and a cherished time always to be remembered.

When Gitta turned eighty, to the shock of everyone present at her birthday celebration, she announced that she would be returning to the concert stage. She even followed through on this plan and set a date to perform Rachmaninov's FIRST PIANO CONCERTO at Ravinia on July 5th, 1985, under the baton of James Levine. Whether she would ever have had the courage to go through with this plan will never be known. She died three months before the performance.

What comes through strongly in this book, however, is the deep admiration and even awe Thomas Cottle had for his mother's phenomenal music, as well as the love he always had for her, despite a troubled adolescence. This book is a most touching tribute to his mother.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Somewhat convoluted, February 15, 2005

By 

Nicole A. Thomas "brwndot" (Ohio) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: When the Music Stopped: Discovering my Mother (Hardcover)

I ordered this book after listening to an interview with the author. The stories of the various musicians and performances were somewhat endearing but there wasn't anything to tie them together. In some ways the book reads like a textbook - very factual and precise but then segues into anectdotes and childhood memories. Perhaps it is Cottle's bias as Gradova's son that fuels his need to pontificate the minutia of his family couch. This book does get better as you read but it certainly is heavier on detail than I expected and is in serious need of editing.