Customer Reviews

When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us : Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives

5 star:		(26)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(5)

 

 

This was not a book I would have imagined myself having the guts or integrity to buy. It is not that I am in denial about my grown children but I am in denial about the energy I spend fretting over their adult lives. Buying this book at the recommendation of a friend was a leap - and one I am so pleased I had the gumption to do. Dr. Adams touches something here; I sense that a collective sigh is heaving its way from the huddled masses of parents like myself who cannot imagine how our grown kids have ended up with their current lives. We know there is a lot of this going around but perpective has proven uniquely hard to come by. I would have bet the mortgage I could not gain such piece of mind from a piece of non-fiction; I'd now be willing to bet most any so strung out mom or dad could not help but gain wonderfully cosmic hall passes through this painful corridor of regret, guilt and aging. Brava Jane Adams.

Reading this book was a great comfort to me. When moms at work pipe up about their kids great accomplishments its pretty hard to chime in that your kid is on probation for a felony for selling pot and on a tether for violating probabation and just lost his job because he falsified the time card at the pizza joint. Geez. We didn't want the world but give me a break! Jane takes the heat off and the guilt does ease a bit - this book has helped me love the prodigal son without paying his rent for him. Thanks Jane!

It felt as if Jane Adams was sitting at my kitchen table helping me work through my complicated feelings about my daughter and her beau. With her warm and practical wisdom, this author manages to provide generous comfort and sound advice at the same time.

If you feel guilty, or critical, or even just frustrated with your grown-up kids, you'll find this book reads like a tall glass of cold water on a really hot day.

This book doesn't cover ALL the bases (does any one book when it comes to human relationships?)but it does an excellent job.

What I found particularly helpful:

The statistics and research that indicate that MANY young adults have MORE problems than ever before, which made me realize that parents are not alone in their struggles. The author notes cultural and social pressures that can lead children from strong families down the wrong path (although she is clear that sometimes parents DO make mistakes and that the root cause of problems may be a combination of factors).

An emphasis on a broad look at the many forces that can cause problems, from peer pressure to societal changes.

A STRONG focus on living in the HERE and NOW, rather than obsessing about past mistakes.

Lots of real life examples, showing how parents dealt with truly difficult situations.

No "one answer fits all" solutions. Instead, the author's style is brisk and open, inviting the reader to think about the issue, rather than arrive at definite answers.

This is an easy read and I got through it in one day, although I think several sections deserve rereading. I intend to keep it on my bookshelf and turn to it again, for inspiration, advice and comfort.

I also intend to read other books on the subject, as I want to get different viewpoints and perspectives.

I gave this book five stars because Adams offers a clear message on a vital topic that deserves more attention.

I know at least three women who have entered therapy because they can't handle their grown children. One college graduate won't leave home or get a job. Another has been on drugs and a third was diagnosed as mentally ill. When I say, "Can't you just detach?" they say, "You have no kids -- just a dog. It's harder than you think."

So I was happy to read the same message from Jane Adams, a social psychologist who's an expert. Take care of yourself, she urges parents. Set limits. We can only save ourselves.

Parents who do too much are pleasing themselves, not the children. Their addiction, says Adams, is to the belief that anything can be fixed. In reality, "Parenthood is one long exercise in relinquishing control -- or the illusion that we ever had it. Postparenthood is about acceptance."

Not all acceptance is about criminal activity or mental illness. Adams should be commended for recognizing that sometimes there's nothing to be shocked about. Most cults, she says, are fairly harmless, and sexual orientation is not a choice. Don't waste time trying to force changes.

The style and structure of the book resemble an informal support group. Adams's style uses a lot of "We" sentences: "As parents, we..." After awhile, I found myself irritated, especially when I read something alone the lines of,. "As we get older, we are willing to accept lower-paying, less competitive jobs..." Who's this "we?" I certainly do not fit this pattern, nor do my contemporary-age friends.

You'll find many stories from real parents with out-of-control adult children. While they held my attention, I kept waiting for more commentary. We (see, I'm doing it now!) buy books to gain expertise and information. For instance, the author talks about doing too much, but do some parents do too little? What happens when parents take a really hard line, demanding their children find their own jobs?

More broadly, I wish the author had utilized more of her social psychology background. Life course research has been "hot" for sometime -- the theory that the year of our birth can influence an entire cohort. Does a particular generation face unique challenges? Are those challenges real? Many of my friends say, "Today it's hard for children to be on their own -- housing prices are high, jobs are scarce." But weren't housing prices always high, relative to starting salaries?

On the other hand, what will happen to a generation of young people who graduate into a world of scarce jobs? And today's children may be more accustomed to luxurious homes. They want the luxuries their parents obtained after years of saving. Why? And what can be done about it?

When one colleague said his kids won't move out, he admitted that each had a beautiful room with a cable television set as well as a computer. The maid did everyone's laundry and the wife cooked splendid meals. I asked him if he'd adopt me so I could move in too!

I also wonder, more disturbingly, if the meaning of "family" needs to be changed, at least in a legal sense. Adams seems to suggest that children need to learn the consequences of their actions. But in many states, children can be held responsible for the cost of their parents' nursing homes and medical bills. The parents may have been wasteful and irresponsible. Surely children should be able to turn their own parents loose.

This book is very short -- less than 200 pages of fairly large type. If there is another edition, I hope the author adds more theory, more expertise and more context. And, I have to conclude, child-rearing does bear a strong resemblance to dog-training.

Every woman past the age of 40 needs this book for life support. In "When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us," Jane Adams not only exposes our nastiest little secret, which is that we care more about our grown childrens'lives than we should - for both their health and our own. The fact that we passionately love our children is only part of the story, as Dr. Adams points out. Another part is that our egos are so painfully involved that when asked about any one of our kids, we nearly always nudge the scenario by painting the rosiest possible picture.
But the truth is that lots of our children have lots of problems, and "When Our Grown Children Disappoint" covers what must be nearly every miserable one of them - from drug addiction to never-ending dependency, from sexual acting-out to dangerous irresponsibility, from physical illness to mental. One way or another, many of our kids are - as our parents would rightfully put it - "ruining their lives." Gently, and with great humor, Dr. Adams, helps us keep these tragedies from ruining our own lives. In the process, in this beautifully written book, this longtime author shows us how to "separate, thereby restoring helth and peace to suffering parents.

This is a book for all parents, but especially for those needing the courage to see they aren't alone in their struggles. I first picked up this book after listening to my parents argue yet again over my thirty-something brother's latest problem -- ending up in the hospital after taking cocaine with prescription pain relievers with a woman other than his wife -- and I ended up finding it insightful for myself as a parent as much as potentially helpful for my parents. My own two sons are in the beginnings of teenagerhood, and while they presently are the type of kids parents brag about, reading this book reminded me of the need to change focus when my sons go off to their own adult lives, and that it is neither their jobs nor mine and my husband's to fulfill anyone else's life plans. At the same time while reading, I thought over all of the issues my parents are now -- and have for many years -- been struggling with in regards to my brother, and I wanted them to take Jane Adams' words of encouragement and straight honesty to heart and begin breaking the web of enablement and denial and guilt they and my brother have developed. While the book's focus is less on theory and specifics and more on the broader audience and general overviews, I found this book a great beginning move into the self-assessment needed in both "parents-of-troubled-children" situations as well as mere parenting. I will definitely recommend it to others as well as my parents.

It is great to read a book about us new "seniors." For once, a psychologist is addressing the worries of the PARENTS of troubled kids. This time, it's grown-up kids who disappoint, and Jane Adams does a great job of identifying how painful it is to be disappointed in our kids, and yet feel completely frustrated and unable to solve their problems. Her solution: Detach, detach. And what a simple yet wise solution that is. She even tells us how.

If your kids and their issues are keeping you up at night, read this book. You'll feel much better in the morning.

Timing is everthing! And Dr. Jane Adams has advice for parents of grown children just when they need it most. With empty nests refeathering and many "kids" looking for handouts and bailouts, the American family can learn from the examples and the guidelines in this new book.
A long time after the kids should have flown, too many parents are still trying to "make it all better" for their offspring. Dr. Adams points out how hard it is sometimes to let adult children make their own way and how essential it is for parents to get out of the way and make lives of their own. With compassion and insight, Dr. Adams offers a lifeline for the beleaguered of the still-parenting generation. Read this book if the conditions apply to you now. Read this book now so you can avoid problems in the future!

My brother gave this book to our mother on her birthday, which I found to be a tad on the passive aggressive side. But, then again, she has been particularly disappointed in the men we've become, particularly my brother, who's still on probation for something he did a few years back. So I read the book out of curiosity, and I found it to be the most beautiful and forgiving message I'd ever heard. We live in a society that's so critical of everyone and everything, that this book was a genuine relief to find. People don't have to live up to all a parent's expectations, and they're better for finding their own trails in life. For instance, my father wanted me to be a professional baseball player, despite the fact that I'm nearly blind in one eye. He still says I never made it past high-school ball because of my work ethic, not the fact that I was constantly getting plunked in the head. So maybe Dad is going to get a little stocking stuffer as well. Bravo.