Customer Reviews

When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along

5 star:		(27)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

In all of the troubled years of struggle with my children's problems surrounded,or so it seemed, by successful parents and their perfect children, opinionated teachers, and therapists with their conflicting suggestions it never occurred to me that my seeming inability to solve these problems was anything but my own and their father's "fault" and due entirely to our inadequacies. What these inadequacies were I did not know and still do not to this day, to a large extent, despite all the professional advice I sought and self help books I read. I felt completely alone and ashamed and a failure and unable to understand how it had all come about. Now (at last) along has come Dr. Coleman's book and the relief I felt as I read it was immediate and enormous. In it he points out so articulately and so well many of the reasons behind my dilemna and showed me I am definitely not alone and that many parents suffer needless guilt and pain and shame around their parenting (long after the active part is over) and that there are many reasons for this as well as many causes for a child's problems. Importantly,he also has many helpful suggestions for healing the pain of a parent who feels a failure because of how his child has "turned out" or because of a grown child's rejection....a frequent if sad situation these days. If you are a parent and disappointed about how it has all turned out buy this book. You will not regret it.

I've been trying to finish this book and to write this review for some time. This is an important topic, one that doesn't occur to us when we are parents of kids who are growing up. As we read them stories as they go to sleep, drive them to band practice, teach them how to make cookies, share in the joy of their success at a skill or cry with them over a disappointment we don't think of the possibility that some day they will say, "I don't want to have anything more to do with you," and then you will never hear from them again. This does not cross our minds back then. Why would it? It seems IMPOSSIBLE!

I have a large selection of books on the subject of family estrangement. Some are written by parents. Some by mental health professionals who have also experienced estrangement. Some by people who just think they know what they are talking about and that they are qualified, for some reason, to give advice.

I think that Joshua Coleman's book, When Parents Hurt, is the most compassionate, the most understanding, and the wisest book on the topic of conflict and estrangement between parents and grown children. He covers many contributing factors to estrangement including differences in personality, overinvolvement by parents, perfectionism, mental illness, divorce, family history.

He covers more ground than any other book on this topic that I have read. He does so in a kind and compassionate way, attempting not to point fingers. He offers suggestions to parents for ways to communicate that might lead to resolution. Although the suggestions that he offers would be most helpful to those who are still able to communicate with each other. The suggestions could be particularly helpful to those who are having a conflict ridden relationship with their children that has not yet gotten to the point of complete estrangement.

For those parents who are experiencing complete estrangement from their grown children, there are some good suggestions for coping with the pain and for moving on. There is one chapter on that particular situation of being estranged by a grown child and not being able to reconnect. Since that is the situation that I am in myself, I wished there was more on that particular subject. There are a lot of parents whose children are far past their adolescence and who are far past the days when they were dealing with the difficulties of the teenage and young adult years. There are a lot of parents like me who miss having a relationship with their completely grown kids and who have been unable to reconnect no matter what they do.

I think that Coleman is making an overall suggestion of an attitude to take that will lead to less conflict and to reconciliations for some parents and grown children when the reasons behind the estrangement are not of the most serious kind. In the cases where those suggestions can't work, he offers some alternate suggestions for parents on coping with the pain and for getting on with their lives.

I have 3 grown children. RAISING THE FIRST TWO WAS A WALK IN THE PARK. I believed the proof was in the pudding: Good parenting produces good kids. I HAD MY THIRD--MY ACCUMULATED PARENTING SKILLS WERE RENDERED USELESS. Prior to reading Dr. Coleman's book, When Parents Hurt, my self-esteem as a parent was dropping by 'the incident.' I felt like a failure. My attempts to support my daughter were often met with rejection. She pushed me away at times when when she desperately wanted and needed me. Being a voracious reader, it seemed like I spent years camped out in the 'Psychology' section of the local book store searching for info regarding my dilemma: How can we love and care for difficult children, while maintaining our sanity in the process? Dr. Coleman's book offers insight, experience, and compassionate guidance. His eloquent excerpts from work with patients, speaks to the level of pain we experience and the validation we crave in raising a difficult child. Dr. Coleman sheds light on the complicated web we find ourselves weaving with our repeated attempts to connect with a grown child who reacts from a place of vulnerability and insecurity. I feel I've gained a refreshing new perspective along with formidable tools to implement change. For the first time in 27 years, I'm optimistic the relationship will finally move in a healthy, more satisfying direction.

About a year ago, I read "The Price of Privilege" on how parents sometimes with the best of intentions make mistakes in raising their privileged kids. One thing lead me to another, and here is another resource that I have found extremely helpful.

In "When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along" (312 pages), author (and well-known psychologist) Joshua Coleman addresses many different scenarios with the general theme of older and grown kids not getting along with their parents, whether married or divorced, and how to deal with that. As the author notes: "While there are thousands of books telling you how to better raise your children there are none written on a topic that is just as important: healing the wounds of the parent. If this is your goal, this book is written for you." That sold me on the book, right then and there. The author does a superb job in setting the table, dissecting the different types of parents (authoritarian; permissive; authoritative). One of the things that resonated well with me as I was reading the book is that the author sprinkles the book with real-life examples from his practice, providing insight on what he reasonably could have said but how that would have been counter-productive in that particular situation.

Very interesting are the author's observations regarding the lengthening of adolescence in today's society ("65% of men reached adulthood by the age of 30, while only 31% od men had by 2000"), and the profound effects on parents-cids relationships, such as extending the need to "rebel" into mid-to-late twenties. "Why? Because your adult child is still working on separating from you. It's love, not hate, that causes her to mistreat you. Now, don't you feel better?" observes the author dryly. Throughout the book, the author asks you to literally respond (in writing) to certain questions and situations, which sometimes I did, oftentimes I did not, but it is a nice additional touch that involves you with the subject matter and the book even more. The same thing with "strive to avoid" tips that appear throughout the book (example: "Strive to avoid criticising your child's lack of ambition, motivation or follow-through. Once children become teens, your role becoms more consultant than manager. Once they become adults, your best influence is their feeling of trust and affection for you.")

And on and on. I devoured this book from beginning to end. The most pertinent chapter for me is "Failure to Luanch", about grown kids who cannot seem to get going in life. I am dealing with such a situation, albeit not in the extreme, and not to the extent that we don't get along (altough we disagree sometimes). This book is essential for parents dealing with situations at hand, but just as much for parents with not-quite grown kids to try and learn to avoid in getting in that situation. The author's overall reliance on/promotion of compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and optimism is once that I can and want to subscribe too as well. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

I did not give this single star only because I think it will be good for some people, especially people who have little resources in terms of coming to terms with their own faults in their relationship with their kids, or those with little psychological experience, or those that are unhappy with who their children have become. However, the title suggests something quite different, and we bought this book because we are sad and grieving and wihtout support in terms of our dauighter walking away from us. We read the book, and have already done (with the help of a shrink) most of the things applicable in the book in terms of relating to her (she is anorexic, and so we have read many of those books), and are not disappointed in the child per se, so are not trying to PARENT her -- but we are grieving the loss of her in our lives, and found that his suggestions were poor. HOW TO DO SOME OF THE THINGS HE SUGGESTS ARE NOT IN THE BOOK -- like how do we find support? The truth is, that if you were a good parent (not saying perfect, but not ashamed of the choices we made and not afriad to to talk about them) and your child walks away from you, trying to find support with friends or other parents is not going to happen because they assume you were a monster! She did a number on us with the family, too, and so some of them think we did something to her. What can we say, if we are telling the truth? Nothing else. And so we suffer unsupported and isolated, and his book did not offer a nugget toward assisting us with our grief and isolation. It is tantamount to many grief books that say, "Just get happy!" THIS BOOK IS ABOUT PARENTING, NOT ABOUT PARENTS GRIEVING. And so, it is not a good book for what he says he is writing about.

I am an adult and child psychiatrist who works a lot with families. This is the third book by Dr. Coleman (Imperfect Harmony, The Lazy Husband) which I have read and loved. The first two I have already recommended to patients and friends, and this one will soon be among them. Why?

Dr. Coleman takes a non-traditional approach to age-old problems that occur in families and marriages. In this desperately needed book he addresses the issue of estrangement, difficulties, and pain between parents and their teen and grown children. We all know of it. We all hear our friends talking about it. But for a therapist to write from the parents' point of view . . . groundbreaking.

I love the way Dr. Coleman uses humor and personal experiences to make his books friendly and not preachy or judgmental. I love the research he does, his curiosity and rigor. I love the basic optimism and humanity which comes across on every page. Dr. Coleman writes in such a user-friendly manner, the depth of thought and the integrity of his work can appear almost too simple. Do not be lulled into this point of view: his books hold up over time. They have the power to transform seemingly insurmoutable problems.

This is a book for, maybe, everyone with children. If your children are still young, it is a chance to be proactive in terms of staving off future problems. If you are in the midst of difficulties, it is timely and comforting and full of great suggestions for how to take care of your own peace of mind, and perhaps make some positive changes with your children. AND even if your relationship with your children seems great, it is worthwhile to think more deeply about why that is, and whether there might be some hidden problems which, if thought about, could make things even better.

In short, it is a truly great book for parents, and a great book for therapists who work with families.

I give if 5 stars! Do yourself a favor, get it!
Heather Folsom, MD.
Adult and Child Psychiatrist

This is an incredibly insightful and sensitively written analysis of a difficult subject --and one, I might add, that is unfortunately not at all uncommon. As a practicing psychologist, I have recommended it to many of my clients who are struggling with their relationship to their adult children, and have consistently received rave reviews from them. Most people are quick to judge and blame the parents for all problematic parent-child interactions, but Dr. Coleman opens up the topic and reveals its more subtle dimensions. He offers comforting and practical strategies for healing both the relationship and oneself. I highly recommend it to all parents who hurt.

This book is absolutely wonderful if you are dealing with a difficult teenager or have been rejected by your child. It validates the anguish and the anger you feel. It does not make you feel like the guilty party; in fact it states that even good parents can end up rejected by their children.

It has good advice and strategies for staying open and letting your child know you will always be there. But it also doesn't mince the truth that they may never come back. Which is the saddest of all, since it is almost certain that after your death there will come a day when your child realizes what s/he lost.

For me, most importantly, it helped me put distance between myself and the worst pain I have ever felt. It helped me move past the pain and continue with my life.

this is a very practical book with coping strategies for dealing with our estranged adsolecent or grown children. dr. coleman's blog has also been of great solace to me. i highly recomend this book to all who are suffering from rejection by thier adult or adolescent children.

This book was exactly what I was looking for. Any parent in an estranged relationship with their child is in great pain and looking for something or someone to advice them on what to do. This book was a God-send for me!