Customer Reviews

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

5 star:		(57)
4 star:		(10)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

While based on solid theory, this book teaches practical skills that you can use immediately. You'll find yourself comfortably using some techniques well before you even finish the book.

This book impressed me when I first read it 25 years ago. And it has stood the test of time: I felt amazed at how much more useful the techniques seemed when I reread it recently.

A couple of points deserve emphasis:
1. In addition to teaching you how to say "no" without feeling guilty, the author masterfully teaches you simple, powerful techniques for keeping your cool while you're under attack.
2. This book plays an important role in the set of cognitive, emotive, and behavioral skills taught by psychologists such as Albert Ellis and David Burns. While books such as "A New Guide to Rational Living" (Ellis) and "The Feeling Good Handbook" (Burns) contain tools that address a far wider range of problems, Smith's methods work far more rapidly, easily, and consistently for the challenges that this book addresses.

I strongly recommend this book for anyone wanting to quickly and easily learn to (i) say "no" without feeling guilty and/or (ii) react coolly to attacks by others.

I am a psychologist working in a college counseling center, and this is the number one book on assertiveness that I recommend to my clients. Dr. Smith begins by describing "Your 10 Assertive Rights," a reminder that we all have a right do such human things as say "I don't know" and change our minds. He then introduces various assertiveness strategies one by one, starting with the very basic skill of persistence (AKA the "broken record" technique). For each strategy, Dr. Smith presents a short dialogue vignette to help you better understand how to apply that technique to real life. Once he has thoroughly taught all of the individual techniques, Dr. Smith puts them all together and addresses assertiveness in different types of situations--ie, with your family members versus with your boss. This is a great book for anyone who is tired of not being able to say "no" and ready to learn how to change their behavior.

Many years have passed since I first bought and read Dr. Smith's revolutionary book. I have never found any techniques so universally applicable for dealing with people who don't care about fairness or my feelings. I have successfully used the broken record and fogging techniques to deal with manipulative relatives who want to tell me what to do "to help me" and self-disclosure and the broken record to convince store employees to accept back defective merchandise even if their store policy "doesn't allow" them to do this! This book taught me how to stand up for myself and stop trying to solve everyone else's problems (the store's agreement with a manufacturer or distributor)and focus on getting what I have paid for. I am smiling as I write this because I have just returned from a trip to a major toy retailer whose store manager refused to take back a defective stroller "because you don't have the box." Needless to say, after using Dr. Smith's methods, the manager gave me full credit on my credit card within fifteen minutes. I never needed to become unpleasant or raise my voice. Dr. Smith should be cannonized by the "doormats" of the world. You will be doing yourself a favor if you buy this book!

Back in August 1979,the beginning of my senior year of high school,one of my brothers came to visit Mom and me.This brother is 9 years older than me,and he watched as most of the adults in my life slowly squeezed "me" out of me.I was the "perfect" young woman;cooked,cleaned,fetched, and carried for my older relatives.I dressed the way I was told(the way that they thought I should),behaved the way I was told(demure,and "ladylike"),and lived to their standards.If I ever behaved the way I really wanted to(free),the litany would start--"After all we've given up for you-how you hurt us...etc.".My brother saw through the guilt trip I was on,and when he brought me to live with him,he made me read'When I say NO,I feel guilty'.Well, no more!This book taught me that I can say"No thank you",and feel powerful because I am in control of my feelings and actions.Now, no one can 'make' me feel anything unless I want to! How free is that?!

This is one of the best books I've read in a long, long time. Granted, I don't read books very often, but this is exactly why. There are a lot of books that are all hype and wind up not being as helpful as they seemed originally. This book is definitely an exception. It will effectively teach you how to cope with criticism, deal with manipulative people, and be more persistent in every day interactions so you can really get across what you want.

You should keep in mind that the goal here is not getting your way. The goal is to effectively communicate your needs directly. Some of the techniques are a bit harsh, and while they may work well on salespeople and customer service, you should not directly apply those to your spouse. But the book does have a section on coping with manipulation from a close relative, and how you need to soften your technique a bit, because so many more feelings are involved. Not only does the book teach you assertiveness, but it gives you the skills needed to help others become more assertive so they don't manipulate you as easily and as often as they would normally. This is particularly helpful with close relationships (siblings, spouse, parents, etc.).

If you feel you're being walked on or your needs aren't being met by the people around you, you need this book. Add it to your collection and you'll learn a lot about yourself and about people in general. I've already noticed subtle differences in me, and I feel a great deal more empowered than I used to be.

I read this book 25 years ago. I used to do things for people that I didn't want to do...until I read this book. It changed me instantly. I put all the techniques to work and it really really worked for me.

So why am I here after 25 years writing a review? Of course, apart from the fact that Amazon.com didn't exist then, I visited Amazon to get hold of the ISBN number for the book. One of my programmers, a very shy soft spoken person, was getting bullied by a fellow programmer. The first thing that came to my mind was the book; the book has made such an impact on me that till today I remember the title and author's name without a typo.

If you want to stop doing things you don't want to do, then read this book...I don't care if there are any reviews for this book that are not so good, but just buy the book and find out for yourself. Money well spent....

This is the best self-help book I have ever read. The title may or may not apply to you, but nevertheless, the insights contained within can be valuable and practical to just about anyone.

This book explains assertiveness and manipulation in opposition of each other. It explains manipulation as the act of indirectly asking for what you want by making others feel guilty. And it explains assertiveness as the act of firmly asking for what you want without feeling guilty and without making others feel guilty.

It gives examples of transcripts throughout the book. And the main technique is so simple ("fogging" and refusing the implied guilt) -- it's been very easy to apply in real life.

A therapist suggested this book to my spouse and I as we have a history of fighting - complete w/one partner shutting down and the other one screaming and yelling.

While the techniques in this book are helpful for teaching assertiveness and what not, the value for me was in learning how to respond to very valid criticisms within our marriage. When my spouse gets angry over something legitimate (i.e. not putting the kids to bed on time), instead of my reacting with defensiveness and the 2 of use shortly thereafter screaming at each other, now we are learning to respond calmly and work thru the issue. All because of what we learned in this book! Yes, it takes practice and yes, both partners really should read it. But it does work. Instead of yelling back "How dare you criticize my parenting!" we can listen to the other person and work thru the issue.

This book is an awesome, overlooked gem. I highly recommend it for *anyone* who has never learned how to fight without yelling or shutting down!!!

This book goes far beyond theoretical principles on how to be more assertive. It gives numerous sample dialogues which reflect everyday situations. One practical method is the use of fogging. You implicitly agree with the critic in order to simultaneously deflect the criticism without resorting to hostility. In this book, you learn how to be assertive in relatively impersonal situations (such as dealing with a persistent salesman) as well as closer ones (such as negotiating with an employer, or conversing with a dissatisfied spouse). A teacher can learn, using this book, how to cope with students who try to manipulate her into changing their grades on an "unfair" test.

I picked up this book, because I knew this person, who always coerced me into "coming along" with where ever he went and what ever he wanted. I knew I had a problem, but thanks to this person, I finally started to address my issue. After reading only a few chapters the light went on.
This book is so much more then just how to deal with how to say "NO". It goes into great length of human psychology as it applies to Assertiveness, Agression and Withdrawal.