Customer Reviews

When Victims Marry

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This book was suggested by the husband of a friend. It helped save their marriage with a lot of therapy for both of them. The authors are very honest about their past, and how it started unhealthy patterns. I will be forever grateful that they wrote this book. I have been able to give it to other "SURVIVORS" of abuse. A wonderful book, but be sure you have a support system and a therapist on standby.

This book allows the adult victim of sexual or physical/emotional abuse to find healing. The steps described in this book are great for any marriage on a "shaky foundation". For those who are adult victims of abuse it helps you to understand some of the things that have shaped your lives individually and as a couple. Jan describes the steps to healing in terms of building construction. Interesting analogies. The struggles faced by victims are magnified when they marry. Jan Frank gives her personal account of the problems that came up during her marriage as an adult victim of Sexual Abuse. Her husband Don gives his personal account of growing up in an alcoholic home and his relationship with Jan. There is hope. The Franks give you a book well worth reading and applying. Professional counseling is required and they walk you through the realities that will lead you to professional care. I received insight for assisting those who are walking through life as adult victims of sexual or physical/emotional abuse.

When Victims Marry is directed towards the problems that couples who have been "victims" experience in their marital relationship. The Franks organize their book around a house-building analogy: checking faulty foundations, preparing the soil, examining the blueprints, periodic inspections, plumbing check (sex), repairing the foundation, framing the house, building the walls, installing insulation, building the roof, and obtaining homeowner's insurance.

The book basically surveys the principles of marriage as they apply to those who were abused as children or who were raised in alcoholic families. The principles are primarily wrapped around their marital experiences, though spiced with others. Yet every married couple will relate to most of the examples since these problems are not the exclusive domain of "victims."

There are some problems with the book. Sometimes the authors appear to portray all children as victims of their families. The Bible is many times interpreted through their "victim" eyes, rather than in context. Thus, sometimes the interpretation is somewhat skewed. For example, "koinonia" is used to explain sexual intimacy (p. 69), and cleaving is interpreted to mean separating from parents and family. Though Jan Frank appears to have had a healthy and loving extended family (p. 83), her view of the family is extremely nuclear and isolationist from community and extended family (pp. 46-53, 58-59, 80). A good case could be made to show that our culture's ideal of independent nuclear families has been the primary root of emotional, psychological and social dysfunction in our contemporary culture. The Franks identify their ideology with the middle-class, twentieth century American context when they label other cultures and times abusive whose marital partners had sex while their children were allowed to watch. Though obviously there are clear biblical limits of exposing children to sexuality, we must not go beyond the Scriptures in our cultural biases.

Despite these criticisms, the Franks do outline some good marriage principles that might benefit both therapists and their married clients. Though not novel or profound, they are useful. We do well to remember them.