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When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family [Paperback]

Andy Stanley
4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (95 customer reviews)

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Book Description

December 20, 2011
Is Your Occupation Also Your Preoccupation?
 
Let’s face it.  With all the demands of the workplace and all the details of a family it’s only a matter of time before one bumps into the other.  And many of us end up cheating our families when the commitments of both collide.  In this practical book, Andy Stanley will help you...
 
• establish priorities and boundaries to protect what you value most.
• learn the difference between saying your family is your priority and actually making them your priority.
• discover tested strategies for easing tensions at home and at work.
 
Watch as this powerful book transforms your life from time-crunching craziness to life-changing success.
 
Includes a four-week discussion guide

Previously released as Choosing to Cheat

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When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family + Next Generation Leader: 5 Essentials for Those Who Will Shape the Future
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Andy Stanley is a pastor, communicator, author, and the founder of North Point Ministries, Inc. Since its inception in 1995, North Point Ministries has grown from one campus to five in the Atlanta area and has helped plant over thirty strategic partner churches globally. Each Sunday, more than twenty-five thousand people attend worship services at one of North Point Ministries’ five campuses. Andy’s books include Enemies of the Heart, The Next Generation Leader, How Good is Good Enough? and many more. He lives in Alpharetta, Georgia, with his wife, Sandra, and their children.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Joel Manby entered the work force with all the subtlety of a meteor entering the earth’s atmosphere. With an MBA from Harvard and tremendous leadership instincts, he was destined, it seemed, to move from one accomplishment to the next.

Growing up, Joel had watched his father work sunup to sundown plowing fields, mowing lawns, and working in a factory. But somehow the family never seemed to get ahead. With the opportunities Joel had been given to make a better life, he felt a responsibility before God to be a good steward of those prospects. In essence, he felt called by God to achieve his maximum career potential as a servant-leader in business.

And achieve he did.

Upon graduating from Harvard, Joel was offered his dream job—he was one of the first four people hired for a new General Motors start-up soon to be known as Saturn. As part of this groundbreaking team, Joel distinguished himself in the auto industry.

Fueled by that early success, Joel moved up quickly through the GM ranks. His skills, gifts, and work ethic made him perfectly suited for high-level executive leadership. He was destined for the top. At the age of thirty-four, he received an incredible offer to become the president of Saab Cars USA. So he left GM to take on a whole new level of demands. Joel excelled in his new position, and with the success came more responsibility.

Joel was soon put in charge of Saab in Asia, South America, and Canada as well. There seemed to be no limit to his future, but at the same time, there seemed to be no end to his frustration. You see, career wasn’t the only arena in which Joel had goals for his life. He and his wife, Marki, had dreams for their family as well. By the time Joel reached his peak at Saab, they had three daughters. While each of Joel’s promotions took them a step closer to reaching their financial goals, each demanded more of his time as well. Time that he knew belonged to Marki and the kids.

Marki embraced her role with the same tenacity Joel exhibited in the marketplace. She was committed to being a team player. She didn’t always like the hand she was dealt, but she accepted it and did the best she could. She held down the home front while Joel worked to build a bright future for the family. But there was always the frustration, the loneliness, and at times, the anger.

As Joel describes it, “I was traveling more than 50 percent of the time. There were car shows and dealer meetings all the time. And when I was home, I wasn’t really there—I had a latenight conference call with Japan or an early-morning conference call with Sweden. In my heart I wanted to be with my family. But I felt like this job was something I had to do. Our family had financial goals, and I felt like God had given me this talent that I should be using. And I viewed each promotion as his reward for a job well done. The truth is, I just couldn’t say no. Looking back, it wasn’t God prying me away from my family. It was me.”

One day, a close friend called Marki to wish her happy birthday. During their casual conversation, a wave of emotions
began to surface, surprising even Marki. It was the second year in a row that Joel had been out of town on her  birthday. He hadn’t forgotten. He just had a job to do. And she had willingly agreed he should go. But somehow, in that moment, Marki was hit with the reality that the very things they were working so hard to achieve were slipping through their fingers with each passing day.

In yet another long-distance phone call, Marki confronted Joel with the painful truth that he was not being the husband
or father she had signed up for. In the weeks that followed, Joel and Marki had many heart-to-heart conversations. As Joel began to notice the despair in her countenance, he knew he had to make some major changes. Fast.

“I looked at Marki, and she was bawling her eyes out,” he explains. “I knew that if I continued down this path, I was
going to lose my family.”

Joel made a decision right then and there. He didn’t have a plan. He wasn’t sure how he could pull off the changes necessary to bring balance to his personal life. He didn’t know how he could disentangle himself from his involvement in the car industry. But one thing was certain: He refused to keep going in the direction he was going. Things had to get better. Little did he realize just how bad things would get.

In an attempt to regain control of his life and family, Joel left the international demands of the auto industry for the fastgrowing dot-com world. On the morning of April 4, 2000, Joel began his first day as the CEO of a well-funded Internet startup company, with high hopes for the future. By the end of business on April 4, 2000, it was a very different picture. That day’s market plummet marked the beginning of the stock market crash of 2000–2002, which caused the loss of five trillion dollars in the market value of companies, as well as the loss of Joe’s hopes for an easy answer to the challenges between work and home. In fact, two weeks into the new company, Joel found himself laying off two-thirds of the company’s three hundred employees. The emotional toll of firing two hundred people, combined with twenty-hour workdays, led to more sleepless nights. His first attempt to reclaim the life he wanted led to further distance from Marki and greater desperation.

The remarkable events that followed have had an incredible impact on Joel’s life. As he and Marki describe it, the aftermath of Joel’s decision to reorder his world was the clearest indication they’d ever experienced of God’s presence in their lives and marriage.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 160 pages
  • Publisher: Multnomah Books; Reprint edition (December 20, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1601423799
  • ISBN-13: 978-1601423795
  • Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.4 x 7.9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 5 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (95 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #117,937 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Andy Stanley is a pastor, communicator, author, and the founder of North Point Ministries (NPM). Since its inception in 1995, North Point Ministries has grown from one church to five in the Atlanta area and has developed a global network of more than 30 churches. Each Sunday, more than 33,000 people attend worship services at NPM's five Atlanta-area churches: Browns Bridge Community Church, Buckhead Church, Gwinnett Church, North Point Community Church, and Watermarke Church.

Andy's books include the recently released Deep & Wide, as well as Enemies of the Heart, The Grace of God, The Next Generation Leader, and How Good Is Good Enough? Andy and his wife, Sandra, live in Alpharetta, Georgia, and have three children.

For more information about Andy Stanley and North Point Ministries, visit www.northpointministries.org.

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This is a book I really think everyone ought to read March 11, 2012
Format:Paperback
I've had the chance to read When Work and Family Collide by Andy Stanley. This is a short book, 133 pages plus the discussion guide, and very easy to read. But I found myself pausing after a chapter or so to digest the examples and the point Stanley was making.

One thing I dearly loved about this book was that Stanley's examples covered a wide variety of "work" situations: men, women, professionals, the self-employed, pastors, stay-at-home moms, and people with time-consuming hobbies. It was convicting. This applies to ME, not just workaholics employed outside of the home.

A big message boiled down to integrity, that second bullet point in the publisher's description. Is my family my priority in reality? Or am I expecting them to judge me based on my intentions? Don't we all do that? I expect other people to judge me by my thoughts and motives and intentions. I judge others by what they actually do.

That was the point I had to stop and think a fair amount, because Stanley uses such vivid examples and word pictures to convey the points he is making. Points about expecting our families to step in and pick up the slack, or about a lack of communication about what really matters when it comes to actually showing them that they are important.

Obviously, Stanley isn't advocating that we stop doing our jobs and stop providing for our families. But "cheating" at work doesn't mean that we don't do a good job. It means that need to be intentional about our decisions regarding when to go above and beyond at work, and when to say no.

This is a book I really think everyone ought to read. It is practical. It acknowledges that the choices are not always easy or clear-cut.

Read the excerpts. But really... go get the book.

Disclaimer: I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group in exchange for this review.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Good Advice & Perspective For Us Workaholics August 15, 2012
Format:Paperback
I was excited to see this book available for review recently. Andy has a way of conveying Biblical truth in a way that connects to the struggles of day-to-day life. This particular struggle, balancing family and career, is one I believe to be of great importance in our success-driven society - and in my own life.

The book begins with Andy offering context to those of us who are workaholics or who struggle with prioritizing the demands of work with the needs of home. Essentially, he wants us to understand that when we choose to work long hours, even for good purposes, we are putting work at higher priority than spending time with loved ones. And the message to those loved ones resonates at a deeper level than we might realize.

Andy proposes two solutions. First, honest communication. Ask family members how they feel about your work schedule or when you miss their events. Second, action. Make a deliberate and calculated schedule change that glorifies God by emphasizing family. I should note that Andy focuses the book mostly on the impact time away at work has on those closest to us, but it also has a significant impact on our service to God. Andy does spend a good amount of time explaining that we are to honor God with our time, but in this book, the focal point of that desire is expressed through interaction with loved ones.

One thing I appreciated was how Andy defined the problem of time commitment: "Your problem is not discipline. Your problem is not organization. Your problem is not that you have yet to stumble onto the perfect schedule. And your problem is not that the folks at home demand too much of your time. The problem is this: there's not enough time to get everything done that you're convinced - or others have convinced you - needs to get done." (page 14.)

Throughout the book, Andy says you either "cheat" your family or you "cheat" work. I'm not a huge fan of this sort of language, but I understand what he's trying to say. In essence, there simply is not enough time in the day to do everything work requires and meet every need or desire of your family. I've lived with that tension for my entire career. Even though he says you need to "cheat" work, Andy's solution of prioritizing time is predicated on open and honest communication at work, too. In that respect, I quibble with the use of the word "cheat." His main goal in using "cheat" seemed to be to emphasize how we treat our families when we don't make them the priority, and he certainly is not advocated doing anything unethical to your employer. I just felt the language was clumsy on this issue.

But his conclusions are powerful, as are some of the examples in the book. I was shocked to learn that in his own life as a church planter, Andy committed to spending no more than 45 hours per week at work. In fact, I can hardly fathom that he was able to build such a strong ministry with that sort of time commitment.

And there is the rub with our earthly thinking: Andy did not build that ministry. God did.

Likewise, God ordains the paths of our lives and, if we are to believe the Bible, is sovereign in all things. This means we can expect God to bless our commitment to follow His leading and His paths, such as investing time with our families. Andy showed the provisional side of God's character throughout the book; and God truly will fill in the gaps when we are committed to following Him. The issue for many of us is that we believe but do not truly trust, so we try to handle things ourselves.

I heard a pastor recently tell an analogy that lined up perfectly with this truth. He talked about a rappelling trip he took when he was just a teenager. Although he was afraid, he forced himself to lean back on the rope and repel down the mountain. His friend, try as he might, could not will himself to put all his weight on the rope, so the friend tried to climb down using the rope as a safety net. Unfortunately, that's not the way rappelling works, so the friend was unable to get down and had to climb back up. The friend was exhausted, had not accomplished his goal, and was now embarrassed. These are the same consequences we often face when we refuse to lean fully on God and try to do things ourselves.

When we spend long hours at work, our spouses shut down because they don't feel prioritized in our lives. Everything in a marriage becomes harder. We become ashamed. Our children may lack feeling truly loved, causing them to seek the wrong sort of attention or - even worse - viewing God's love as conditional or limited, like ours. They lack direction and focus. These are things that happen because we think we have to "get it done" at work ourselves rather than fully trusting God to provide for our families.

One thing the book does not do is promise some sort of pie-in-the-sky response by God. Andy clearly says you may make less money if you work fewer hours. He clearly says you may have to give up some of the "toys" you thought you wanted. But he also very clearly says God will honor your commitment to following Him. It is not the prosperity gospel, but it is the truth of attaining an abundant life, and Andy is clear that we also honor God by providing for our families (in case anyone thought the answer was simply to abandon work!).

Andy encourages us to trust God. He gives some specific steps for how to trust God. And then he gives a general plan of action for how to properly prioritize family rather than just follow some general sense of work-life balance. Andy encourages us to 1. Make up your mind to quit "cheating" at home; 2. Come up with a plan for how to handle a transition (and also communicate it to the appropriate people, including your manager); and 3. Set up a test period to see how well it works.

One last note, since I just alluded to the concept of work-life balance: A friend saw me reading When Work & Family Collide, and we had a brief discussion about the subject. He said he had been to a work seminar recently in which the theme was not just work-life balance, but "work-life integration" - as in, always being available for work. My friend rightly scoffed at this concept, but I have to guiltily admit this same concept has often been my attempt at finding a way to spend more time with family; just bring the work with me. Unfortunately, distracted time causes the same frustration to those around us as lack of time.

My point being, don't try to half-step your way through it, like I have done for years. Pray. Do your best to discern God's leading. Commit to following that lead. Communicate your intentions, and then do it. I am attempting to apply this lesson in my own life; I encourage you to do the same.

In closing, Andy had one final bit of encouragement that I also want to relate here. While we can quibble with some of his assumptions, the conclusion seems sound:

When successful men and women reminisce, their defining moments professionally are never related to how many hours they worked. And I've never heard of a business failure attributed to a work schedule. Success is always related to good decisions, unexpected opportunities, market conditions, and a host of other things that nobody really had any control over. The sixty hours you work this week may not reap nearly the same productivity as the sixty hours you put in next week. Why? Because of things you have no control over. ...

But the opposite is true in family life. Happily married couples never attribute their success to unexpected opportunities, market conditions, luck, or good timing. You've never met a healthy family who chalked up their success to being in the right place at the right time. With family, success is always related to time. In the world of family, you have far more control over the things that really make a difference. (pages 102 - 103.)

Disclosure - I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Helping You Balance God's Priorities for Your Life December 20, 2011
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
One of the most difficult things I've experienced in life (as a pastor with five kids) is balancing work/ministry and family. Whether you are a dad, mom, single parent, in full time ministry or have a full time job - or no matter how you slice it - it's hard to balance work and family.

In this book Andy Stanley articulates the modern realities that face us in the market place and in our homes. He does not minimize, rationalize, or make excuses for the break down of families. What he does very well is to show how we can be excellent in the marketplace and serve our families needs in a balanced and biblical manner.

Andy Stanley gives a myriad of practical examples of how we can prioritize our lives biblically and bring glory to God in the workplace and in our homes. I highly recommend this book as a very practical guide for you in seeking to be a balanced Christian that prioritizes life in a manner that contributes mightily to what is most pleasing to our Awesome God - for His ultimate glory.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Classical Stanley
A new edition of an earlier Andy Stanley's book Choosing to Cheat was released under the less provoking but somewhat more revealing title When the Family and Work Collide and I... Read more
Published 20 days ago by Lukas Targosz
5.0 out of 5 stars Balance
Being a Husband, Father, and Founder of a Large Ministry life can become a little crazy to say the least. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Donyes
3.0 out of 5 stars Finding that balance
I really enjoyed this book by Andy Stanley since I'm a full time worker mom. It's difficult for any working parent to find the balance of work life and home life. Read more
Published 4 months ago by Heather Sebastian
5.0 out of 5 stars When Work And Family Collide
Great Book, as are all of Andys Books.

When Work and Family Collide is a must read for anyone who tends to spend to much time trying to accomplish everything you... Read more
Published 4 months ago by Randy Lederbrand
5.0 out of 5 stars Life Changing!
Andy takes prioritizing your life and gives you a whole new way to think about it. Must read for today's busy parents.
Published 7 months ago by S.Thompson
5.0 out of 5 stars Very nice book !!!
I really enjoyed this book because it was the base of the sermons at my church also . It taught me alot in how to manage my time better so my family members and loved ones dont... Read more
Published 7 months ago by T. Sinclair
4.0 out of 5 stars When Work And Family Collide
When I was asked to review Andy Stanley's When Work and Family Collide , I had high hopes for some ideas on how to better solve our work/family debate. Read more
Published 8 months ago by A. Kerr
5.0 out of 5 stars Worth Reading Twice
When I had a chance to read another Andy Stanley book I jumped at it. But after I started reading it I discovered that I was reading a Stanley book which had been retitled. Read more
Published 9 months ago by Peter Narloch
5.0 out of 5 stars A must-read for anyone who is BUSY
Anyone NOT have a busy life? If your life is dull or uneventful, then you can stop reading this book review right now. Read more
Published 10 months ago by Craig T. Owens
4.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Resource for Balanced Life
I received this book a while back from Waterbrook Multnomah Publishing in exchange for my unbiased review, but haven't had time recently to read it. Read more
Published 10 months ago by Aaron K. Potratz
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