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When You Intermarry: A Resource for Inter-Christian, Intercultural Couples, Parents and Families

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Seldom does a book come along that attempts to balance, let alone introduce, academic discipline, astute experiential insight, and gentle expression. Fr. Dr. Charles Joanides has elegantly established this unique balance in his book, "When You Intermarry: A Resource for Inter-Christian, Intercultural Couples, Parents & Families."

Joanides performed extensive research with couples that have one person akin to the Greek Orthodox Church of America. I served as the external auditor of the research, that is, I was employed to review the research analysis and findings of the author to ensure the trustworthiness of his work. The scope of his nationwide study was vast and exhaustive and I observed an honest and meticulously thorough piece of research.

The book is very readable for any audience. Each point is clearly articulated with illustrations from the people he interviewed. The reader can feel assured that the content of the book is based in good research and washed through the academic literature. I eagerly await the impact that it will have, not only within the Orthodox Church, but also on those couples who seek to apply the contents of the book to other interfaith marriages.

When You Intermarry, offers excellent suggestions and guidelines for those who are either planning or are already in inter-Christian marriages. It's well written and easy to understand. We like the way it addresses all aspects of the family from premarital concerns to the complications which arise when children enter into the picture. Extended family issues can be harrowing at times -and Fr. Charles addresses this issue, as well. This work is based on research led by Fr. Charles over a 3 year period, and has a lot to offer readers. A "must read!"

1 Introduction
This book is a noble attempt at offering inter-Christian and intercultural couples a wide variety of perspectives of the challenges that other intermarried couples have faced, including the parenting challenges and the challenges as they relate to extended family. The author meets his goal of identifying "some of the challenges that intermarried couples encounter so that these challenges might facilitate growth and togetherness" (p. 158). To this end, the book discusses a series of balancing strategies, offers directives to pastors, and provides a detailed overview of premarital preparation for intermarried couples. The book is a smooth and easy read that successfully introduces the reader to the experiences of those who have lived through both successful and unsuccessful interdenominational marriages.

2 The Articulated Reasons for Denominational Affiliation
My chief criticism is not towards the book per se, but rather, to the impression it leaves the reader of the superficiality of the faith of many who call themselves Greek Orthodox. I propose that a person should only consider leaving his denomination and joining another when he believes that the other denomination draws him closer to Christ and holds to a higher standard of truth and sanctification. Never should it be done to satisfy one's spouse, in-laws, or extended family. Moreover, one should only consider remaining in his denomination when it draws him closer to Christ than any other denomination does or because it offers him the greatest level of sanctification. Never should it be done because he would be uncomfortable moving to another denomination or to avoid offending one's family, being disloyal to one's tradition, or "betraying" one's Greek culture. Christ doesn't call us to be comfortable or to avoid offending others. He calls us to suffer all kinds of persecutions for His sake, and thereby receive our blessing (Mat 5:10-12).
Some of the respondents interviewed in the book demonstrated that their decisions to remain in the Greek Orthodox Church or to join another denomination were indeed based on a dedication to Christ and to true teaching. One respondent stated that he was "not really thrilled with the Sunday School at the Greek Church where my children go. It seems that there's no real substance to it. Sometimes I feel that they are only learning how to color, and that's not good enough. So, we've been talking about this, and I know it upsets my wife, but I want them to know Christ, and if the Greek Church can't help, then we've got to do something about this. It may be that some religious home schooling could help" (p. 39). Another respondent stated that "When I'm in church, and the incense is in the air, and Father Nick is chanting, and the icons are staring at me, I feel like I'm with God. I tried other churches but they just didn't work for me. I think it's because the external stimuli that create a prayerful mood were missing" (p. 64).
Yet these excerpts are the exception. The grand majority of respondents stated that far more superficial motives for their decisions to stay within or leave the church:
- "The main reason why we got married in the Orthodox Church is because this decision was going to help our family. His parents didn't accept me easily because I was previously married, and so I said to myself, this is going to be my mother-in-law, and I want to make this work. So we got married Orthodox, and now I'm considering conversion for some of the same reasons" (p. 23).
- "When my mother died, I felt freer to consider my wife's faith. Until then, I didn't want to upset my mother" (p. 25).
- "I really feel strongly about being Greek Orthodox, and to a large extent that's probably because my family is Greek. Conversion would make me feel like I have been disloyal to my family and who they are" (p. 14).
- "My family has been a good Southern family who have been Church of Christ people for as long as anyone can remember. Converting would feel as if I was doing something wrong; almost like renouncing what you are, if you know what I mean" (p. 14).
The denominational affiliation of so many of these individuals is not about which church teaches truth, but about what is convenient for promoting family unity and happiness. What does Christ have to say about this? "If anyone comes to me, and does not hate his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brothers, and sisters, yea, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple" (Luk 14:26). What does Christ mean? We are to hate any familial relationships that hinder our total commitment to the Kingdom. Christ commands us to put Him first and to let Him take care of the rest. The overwhelming majority of respondents interviewed in this book, however, have it backwards. Their loyalty to one church or another is not about Christ, but about pleasing their families.

3 Marrying Non-Greeks
One aspect of the responses that truly puzzled me was the insistence by Greek Orthodox parents that their children retain a sense of their culture by marrying a Greek, even if their children were in a relationship with a non-Greek Christian. One respondent stated that his parents asked him not to bring his non-Greek girlfriend to the house or to church, and "they kept suggesting Greek girls' name that I hadn't even dated. It was really insane" (p. 87). What is the reason behind these obsessive cultural barriers that the Greek Orthodox community erects around itself? Why this insistence on marrying only other Greeks? Did not Christ say that "there is neither Jew nor Greek" (Gal 3:28)? Isn't what matters a repentant heart and commitment to Christ, regardless of one's ethnic background? No one recognizes more than I do the achievements of ancient Greek and Hellenic culture and their contribution to the formation of Western civilization, but are the ideals of classical culture and the teachings of the Orthodox Christian faith limited to Greek culture and ethnicity?

4 The Strengths of the Book
In conclusion, although the reader may walk away from the book awestruck and perhaps confused by the cultural mores of the Greek Orthodox community, I would argue that the book does a good job of fulfilling its purpose of presenting an overview of the successes and challenges that interdenominational couples have experienced. A grave warning can be found on p. 133, where Sophia concedes that raising her family in an inter-Christian household ultimately had negative consequences on her children: "All our children are sort of indifferent toward religion these days, and I can't help thinking that it's got something to do with the way we projected religion in our household" (p. 133). Another respondent warns, "We were so blinded by our love that we never honestly wanted to consider our religious differences carefully before marriage. All we wanted to do is get married, then sort all the religious stuff out later. That was a big mistake" (p. 134).
The book also includes a series of important strategies that could prove useful to inter-Christian partners, including: (i) respectfully articulating their religious needs to each other before marriage; (ii) asking God for continued guidance; (iii) considering each other and their future children's religious needs; (iv) working towards increasing their knowledge of their own faith tradition and of that of their partner; and (v) avoiding disrespectful, manipulative, intolerant, and controlling behaviors (p. 137-38).
In the concluding pages, the author offers the following critical information on raising children in an intermarried home: (i) "children's religious development seems to fare better when they are raised in one faith tradition"; (ii) it is important to children's religious well-being for the parents "to be in agreement about their children's religious development"; and (iii) "parents' mutual decision to raise their children in one church provided the children with the needed consistency and structure that they required to (a) bond to a faith tradition, and (b) develop a religious identity" (p. 146).