Customer Reviews

When Your Friend's Child Dies: A Guide to Being a Thoughtful and Caring Friend

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

This little book has packed within its pages, marvelous advice. So many of us either find ourselves coping with childloss or attempting to assist someone else who has lost a child. It is a well written, most helpful guide to both those in bereavement and to those helping a friend cope with the loss of a child. The author, a bereaved parent, so well expresses how hurtful it is to hear typical phrases from those who are well-meaning, though so wrong in their approach. It is an excellent read and an on-hand reference that everyone should have BEFORE the need arises. What a wonderful, anytime gift for anyone! Bravo, Julane Grant!

The recent shootings of high school students at Columbine High School in Denver, Colorado prompted me to take a hard look at books that could help friends and relatives of those families cope with the loss of their children. Grant's small book "When Your Friend's Child Dies" stands out. At first glance, the reader is thinking "of course, that's what anyone should do." But the question is "Why don't we do and say what is in our hearts?" Grant's answer is right on--we are afraid of causing our friend more pain and too embarrassed to show our own emotions.

It is precisely at a time like the death of a friend's child when we should throw all caution to the wind and risk letting our friend know how much we care. Grant's list of the 10 things never to say, and her insight into the small, everyday thoughtful things we can do on an ongoing basis are worth their weight in gold.

Her book is all the more relevant as she covers the anger a parent feels when a child dies as a result of a violent act or senseless carelessness. The parents of those high school students will need compassion, support, and friends as they struggle with their loss in a very public place. Grant's suggestions for helping your friend through his or her anger are unique and thoughtful.

It shouldn't take catastrophes like the one at Columbine to remind us that every child's death is a tragedy. Although Grant wrote this book for friends and families of parents who've lost a child, I think parents will benefit equally. She's captured the pain and sorrow in the heart of every parent who has lost a child.

Julane did a marvelous job of covering virtually every aspect of grieving issues surrounding a death. Grief is a deeply personal period which can be abruptly stifled by inappropriate or inconsiderate comments or actions. And, it can be terribly embarrassing and a guilt conveyance to the friend to do something wrong at such a critical time, when the intent was to provide support. A really terrific read.

When Your Friend's Child Dies is a beautiful, moving and empathetic guide to helping a friend or relative find peace and cope with the death of a child. There are many books out there on grieving and grief, but this one stands out as tool to help you help others. It is also insightful. The author, having suffered the loss of her son at a young age, sets out to help us be a supportive friend during periods of crisis in the lives of those we love. She notes that there are certain things that should be said and other things that should not. If you are like me, I'm often tongue tied, at a loss for words, during such crisis. This book helps you say what is best for your friend to hear at that time. In addition, the book provides insights into other facets of the grieving process. For instance, one section discusses how men grieve differently than women. As a man, I found this particularly useful and something missing in other books on the subject. Men do not express their feelings as much as work through them (such as working harder, tackling new projects, sports, exercise, etc.). Once women acknowledge this as part of the grieving process, they can be of more support to their male counterparts. All in all, this book is a small investment of time (only 80 pages) and money for something so crucial in all our lives, how to be the caring friend to those we love.

In a society where we feel we must have 'all the answers' Julane shows us we do not. When a child dies, the best comfort is being a friend who listens while providing a shoulder to cry on. Cliches are to be avoided. This is the book to buy to teach one how to comfort a friend who has suffered the worst loss, the death of a child.

The book's greatest revelation to me was that it is appropriate to introduce the child into conversation - parents probably welcome the chance to talk about him and will let you know if this is the right time. Provide opportunities for them to reminisce.

The ten no-no's seem obvious on listing them, but nervous friends are likely to blurt them out, and Julane's suggestion for the best words of sympathy are, simply, "I'm sorry." Of course, you say (in hindsight).

Also covered are the months and years after the death. Parents' sorrow continues forever - they don't "get over it" and we should recognize the child's continuing presence in their lives.

I hope I never have the opportunity to use this advice, but I wish I'd had it when Julane's son, Darren, died. Altogether an immensely helpful, thought-provoking, necessary book.

Having lost a child recently, I wish everyone would read this book! At times like this, nobody really ever knows what to say. As a result, people often end up saying things that are hurtful or offensive to grieving parents. This book will help the reader know what to say and what NOT to say to grieving friends. If in doubt, especially with men, perhaps the most sensitive thing to do is to say, "I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you like to talk about __?" Then take your cues from the grieving parent. You just might be surprised to see his/her eyes light up and a smile come to his/her face. I would highly recommend that copies of this book be placed in every funeral parlor, hospital, and church. It's a gem! Please read it BEFORE you need it.

This is a wonderful little book for people who have a friend who has lost a child but has not lost one themselves. It tells all the important do's and don'ts. One thing I would like to recommend is that you know your friend and don't take all this "advice" so literal. I have one friend that does not want to have other parents tell her how their children are doing in all their activities. It is still so painful for her to hear these things with it being so sudden after her son's death. Practice sensitivity and know that the pain of lossing a child is the greatest of all.

Being a chaplain, I am always looking for books that I can recommend to people. And now that I have gone through the experience of watching a family member's child die, I was very interested in how to handle the situation. I want to be thoughtful and make sure I was doing all that I could do. Someone recommended this book and I ordered it immediately.

After reading it, I can only give it two stars. There are some good points in the book but I really get a harsh overtone of anger and condescension. Maybe I am mis-reading? There are also several contradictions in there that can leave a reader confused. The author talks about not comparing grief from one parent to another and yet she 'slams' those who have had a miscarriage. And to me, it sounds like any child that has not had a chance to say 'I love you' or interact with the parents for any amount of time does not qualify for the sympathy and care of others. She also one page states not to buy cards because they are nonsense and then later in the book says that it's extremely important to buy and send a card.

In the end, I feel like there are better books out there that are written with more compassion for the reader. I felt berated after reading this and that is not something that I want to feel. I already feel pretty darn sad and upset about the death. I need someone else to make me feel worse.

I bought this book to help with what to do and say around friends that had a child pass away at a young age. The book is very short and to the point but it is very helpful and well worth the money. Many good pieces of advice that I hadn't thought of. many other pieces of advice that I had already thought about but not in such a complete way.
One person on this site talked about how the author belittles miscarriages. I don't think that is what the author is doing. As someone who has been through it with a loved one, I agree that it might have come out a little bit rough (and could use a bit of rephrasing), but the author is simply saying that you shouldn't compare anything that has happened to you when talking to the parents of the deceased. The reasons for this are many, and the author explains the point as you read on. Even with that, I give the book 5 stars, because it does a great job of broaching a subject that many people have difficulty with. It also helps to solidify what you inherently know as the right thing to do.
I was disappointed that the book was not available for Kindle, but not a big deal given the type of book it is.