Customer Reviews

When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It

5 star:		(21)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

"It never works to expect our child to act like the grown-up first" (page 9).

Contains some "A-ha!" moments for parents who lose their cool with their kids. Bonnie Harris knows what you?re going through. You will recognize yourself here.

Here's the gist: By looking through your child's annoying behaviors to their underlying agendas and being aware of your own emotional hang-ups, you can avoid that ineffective state Harris calls "the road rage of parenting." That's an extreme example of button-pushing, which is when your response is automatic, not well thought out, and usually regrettable.

The book contains a wealth of suggestions for defusing your buttons (which could help you not just with your kids, but with everyone else in your life). There?s the Approval Button, the Fix-It Button, the Resentment Button?. Once you understand your baggage, you can stop taking your child?s antics personally. You still hold her accountable and set limits, but you also own up to your own emotional responses. Do not make your child responsible for YOUR feelings. (Even if this was done to you by your parents.)

Kids don't articulate their agendas, but they have them just like we do. You see a child playing with trains. What you don't realize is that the child is directing traffic and the toy milkman has to get the pretend milk delivered before lunchtime! So give him a couple minutes' warning before you make him leave the toys. Stop and think what your child is really up to in his own mind, rather than just what you see on the surface and what it does to YOU. Cut some slack when you can. When you can't, be nice about it.

It's about "finding a place in the middle, a balance where both you and your child are respected and understood." (p. 226)

The book is not short and has lots of examples, only some of which will really resonate with you ? but it's worth a read to find those and for the general ideas. Including, "You are not perfect, nor should you be." It's written clearly and organized well. (My only gripe is that the parents quoted in the workshops say things like "Oh! I think I'm beginning to see!" which I've never heard anyone really say. Don?t let that put you off.)

I have had been a calmer, cooler, more collected parent since reading it.

Book also contains worksheets and some really cool cartoons by Marty Kelly...

This book fills a void in parenting support books. Most books I have read (many wonderful books) focus on the child/behavior and what to do about it. Tools and interventions generally directed at supporting the parent in managing the child behavoirs. But what about the times when we feel unable to follow through on the advice books? Sometimes no matter how good our resolution when we awaken in the moring, to do things better, differently, we find ourselves in the same powerstruggles, cycle of parenting we wish we could do differently. Or we feel so angry or frustrated we can't follow through on the good ideas we have learned. This book is for parents. This book recognizes that we all deal with our own baggage, issues, ,habits, pains that we bring to our relationship with our children. It complicates the interactions, confuses the issues and makes parenting the way we want to that much harder. One of my favorite phrases in the book is early in the beginning. It has become my mantra. (paraphrased) ' It never works to expect the child to be the adult first!' Anytime I find myself digging my heels in with my 6.5 year old, and him doing the same, I remember this phrase and it knocks me back out of my reactive brain and into my thinking brain. It is just enough support to remember it is up to me to change the tone and move us forward to solution. I have read many parenting books, (and loved many including the Mary Kurcinka books and the Jane Nelson books). This is a permanent addition to my bookshelf. This book is well worth the time to read, I highly recommend it!!!

A mom of two spirited, young boys in Seattle

Becoming a mother had been my dream come true. So when my expectations of what this would be like were not met I became very frustrated and felt that I had failed as a mother and what was I thinking I am no good at this. I felt very alone in this plight of mine and looked at my children as problems that had to be solved. Mind you I had all good intentions and of course love my kids with all my heart which is why I knew I had to fix everything and make them into model citizens for there sake, or so I thought. What I learned from Bonnies book, "When your kids Push Your Buttons" that was life changing for me was that it is not my job to fix everything or to solve everything for my kids. To me this was a revelation. Growing up I lived in a home where my mother was frequently in and out of hospitals sometimes for extended periods of time and my only sibling who was mentally and physically disabled required alot of attention. So my "job" was not to make waves and to smooth things over, trying to make everything all better, quite a monumental feat for a young girl. I just knew that my parents had enough to deal with so I better just be as good as I can. This fixing and solving things followed me into adult life and into motherhood, because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. So when I learned I didnt need to do that anymore and that it actually is better not to because they need to work things out to learn, a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt freed. My children are very capable of learning through experience how to do problem solving for themselves, sometimes with a little guidance from mom. I was constantly trying to make my three children happy all at once and this just is not possible, hence all the frustration I was feeling. This book is a must read for parents, it could change your life.

My husband and I were at our wits end--stressed out from life, with our toddler bouncing off the walls and throwing tantrums every time we turned around. The worst part was our reaction: we yelled back, then felt guilty afterward, but afraid to apologize or to change our behavior for fear of seeming inconsistent. This book gave us the tools and the insight to understand what we were going through. It's one of the only parenting books I've read that didn't assume you had to do everything right from day one--or that you have a problem child. Instead, it focusses on your behavior and attitudes, and how to change them. I saw myself in so many of the stories, and finally felt able to take control of my anger. Now, our happy, loving daughter is back--because we were empowered to make the change.

As a pediatrician I am frequently asked questions about child rearing
techniques. I found Harris' book to be a valuable resource. In a highly
readable format, she presents vignettes that illustrate the frustrations
that all parents face, and an approach that can help resolve these issues.
I ordered a copy of this book for our pediatric residents' conference room
library, and note that the book is rarely on the shelf. I recommend this
book for all parents, including pediatricians!!

This book taught me that my "over the top" emotional reactions to my child's behavior were related to my own childhood and the unconscious "standards" I expected my children to live up to such as: Syblings will always be kind to each other. Sure its ludicrous but somewhere deep down I expected my kids to do it. So every time they fought I freaked. The information in the book has helped me break the negative cycle. I learned to witness my emotional responses to button-pushing behavior and how to respond calmly without sarcasm or anger. I also came to respect my daughter's agenda. Her play is just as important to her as my work. I found looking to my own childhood for answers to my current parenting dilemma the most difficult because I didn't feel they were connected. But that is where I discovered I had some unrealistic expectations about how children should act that were "pushing my buttons." Most of the time there is an easy and intuitive solution to the daily parenting challenges and now that I'm not caught up in an automatic emotional response I'm able to see it.

I read this book a few weeks ago -- I got it from our local library, in Hebrew translation. I really liked it, especially the part about our children not being responsible for our feelings. It is something I have long felt instinctively but hadn't seen anywhere else in quite such a strong way. I've read a lot of positive-parenting type books, but this one stands out and I bought it so I can keep referring to it. I haven't even really done the exercises yet, and still I have been finding the book helpful. I also find helpful the emphasis on recognizing that our children have different agendas from ours. There is also great emphasis on achieving the bit of detachment necessary -- and most importantly, *how* to do it. I have felt myself reacting more calmly, sympathetically, and *effectively* since I read the book and have already had several success stories. A couple of nights ago my 10yo daughter even commented to me that I've been yelling less since I read the book! A definite keeper.

As a parent educator, I have found Bonnie Harris' "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" fills a space in the parenting literature that no-one else has addressed adequately. For 28 years I have been teaching parents skills which can be implemented effectively when the parent is calm, unstressed and positive about her or his capabilities. In the past, when a parent 'lost the plot', I have always said, "Just forgive your self, apologise to your child, and focus on the times when you do manage well". Now Bonnie's book/CD gives hope to the stressed-out parent who has always wanted to understand and change that out-of-control reaction to their child but didn't know how. Bonnie teaches us how to see and hear our child (and ourselves!) with new eyes and ears.
Ever since I heard Bonnie's presentation in Adelaide in 2006 I have drawn on her recommendations (summarised so well in the book's appendices)in the classes I have conducted since then. My husband John is a clinical psychologist and family therapist, who, after reading the book, has also found Bonnie's practical advice to be immensely helpful for families with relationship problems. The book is full of stories which illustrate all the salient points, and it is a great read. Even better, Bonnie's ideas can be adapted to any situation where you experience 'road rages' - whether at home or at work. Congratulations Bonnie, and THANK YOU! I'm looking forward to your next book.
Margaret Hunt

Bonnie Harris' book, "When Kids Push Your Buttons" is refreshingly respectful of parents. Rather than an ardent "This-is-the-right-way-to-parent" manifesto, it is instead a supportive, relevant resource that helps parents figure out how to parent more from love and trust, and less from fear. What parent hasn't had their buttons pushed? Whom do you know that couldn't benefit from relating better to their children? Don't we all want to enjoy parenting more and parent more on-purpose? Bonnie Harris' book helps you do just that. The tone of the book is warm, realistic, helpful, and personal. I read it one and half years ago and loved it. I re-read it a few weeks ago and got even MORE out of it. The parents I coach have embraced the concepts in the book because a)they work and b)they respect that parents can trust themselves. If you're looking for a powerful process for helping you relate to your children and yourself more positively, this is it.

I have read many books about parenting but they were all focused on the child's behaviour and how to deal with it, unsuccessfully. This book was a total eye opener: it focuses on you as a parent and how it is your own emotions and reactions to your child's behaviour "that pushes your buttons". It totally changed my perception: if my child is having a tantrum he is HAVING a problem, he is NOT BEING a problem. My job as a parent is to identify the root of that problem without getting emotionally involved and to help the child solve his problem. Bonnie Harris teaches you to recognise how your behvaiour is rooted in your own child hood and how the beliefs and standards you grew up with determine your parenting even if you vowed to do excatly the opposite of what your parents did. This is a must read for every parent, including the ones who had a happy child hood and good relationship with their parents!