19 of 20 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
The path toward a more meaningful relationship, June 1, 2006
This review is from: When the Man in Your Life Can't Commit: Recognizing the Signs of a Commitment-Phobe and What You Can Do About It (Paperback)
If I had a nickel for every girlfriend I have known whose boyfriend can't seem to commit, I'd be, as the saying goes, a rich woman. Surprisingly, perhaps, I also have girlfriends who are in decades-long marriages where (although the ring is on their mate's finger) he still remains emotionally unavailable and uncommitted. If this sounds familiar to you, then WHEN THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE CAN'T COMMIT is a great resource book to inspire change, whether by taking the steps YOU need to make intimacy happen or to end the relationship. This book, Hawkins promises, will help singles find a man who will be committed, or if you're already in a relationship, will help you understand why a man may be afraid of commitment. You'll also look at your own commitment issues.
I like reading Hawkins because he has a nice rhythm of using personal anecdote/counseling anecdote/personal application in his chapters. As a divorced Christian, he understands the pain that goes with broken relationships. As a counselor for more than 30 years, he has seen a myriad of different scenarios and learned what works and what doesn't in healing relationships.
Hawkins admits he has had his own lifelong battle with a fear of commitment and emotional vulnerability. Many women, he believes, wrestle with their man being uncommitted, unemotional or insensitive. His assumption undergirds the book: "As a woman you are looking for a committed relationship with a man who is willing to be emotionally vulnerable. You want a man who is willing to put his emotions on the table and talk straight from the heart. You want a caring companion, not an overworked, insultated robot. You want emotional availability and an intense interest in you! You want him to risk as much as you do --- preparing to make a lifelong attachment to you.... What you want is no trivial matter."
Hawkins unfolds, chapter by chapter, the tools a woman will need to determine how to understand the problem and become more skilled at determining whether a man will ever be committed to her. He also turns the tables on the reader, forcing self-examination of whether or not she is a committed and emotionally vulnerable woman.
When choosing a man, Hawkins suggests using his "baseball pyramid" to gauge the maturity of the man involved --- from "peewee leaguers" (immature and emotionally underdeveloped) to "all stars" (responsible and spiritually sensitive). "Looking deep into a man's maturity during the initial stages will yield dividends later," he advises. He outlines characteristics of "dangerous men," those who are seriously emotionally unhealthy. Then he leads women through an assessment of why they choose certain men and sustain patterns of bad relationships. Gently, he also shows how personal change in developing a stronger sense of self on a woman's part can often lead to her making better choices in men and help her break the cycle of negative relationships.
Hawkins also includes a chapter on "Yellow Warning Lights," signals that there is trouble ahead in a relationship --- such as substance abuse, character issues, and men who want to continue playing the field. He's also not afraid to tell a woman to go with her gut instincts. "Trust your hunches....If you sense something is probably wrong, it probably is."
This is a hope-filled book, full of practical advice, good insights drawn from a potpourri of others (Henri Nouwen, Dean Ornish, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, John Gray, Hugh Prather, Julia Cameron, Dr. Jerome Murray) and helpful personal anecdotes. All of Hawkins's advice is securely grounded in scripture. Compellingly, Hawkins urges women to hold out for commitment --- for someone who is willing to write you into his future. Women frustrated with men will find plenty of guidance for effective change and will discover that Hawkins is good company for the journey toward more meaningful relationships.
--- Reviewed by Cindy Crosby. Contact Cindy at phrelanzer@aol.com.
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16 of 18 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
If you're looking for Prince Charming!, March 5, 2006
This review is from: When the Man in Your Life Can't Commit: Recognizing the Signs of a Commitment-Phobe and What You Can Do About It (Paperback)
If you're ready for a committed relationship but it isn't happening, read Dr. David Hawkins' When the Man in Your Life Can't Commit. It might save you time, energy and emotional turmoil. Hawkins explores the dilemmas of why a man won't commit, the stages of commitment and how women's commitment issues impact a relationship.
Relationships are fraught with choices, some easy and others difficult, painful and frightening. But without commitment, relationships are empty shells. Hawkins takes the reader on a journey of understanding that will help bring about a positive relationship change.
Hawkins suggests that fear limits our world by keeping it small, thus reducing the ability to commit. Fear makes a man want to run and feeling safe will open his heart to embrace love. To feel safe a man must be recognized as special, be able to "travel light" (be free within reason), be the recipient of loyalty and to be emotionally close even though he feels conflicted about closeness. A woman can help her commitment phobic man by giving these things but still maintaining her expectations and boundaries.
Hawkins also looks at women who continually choose the wrong man because of low self-esteem, fear of being alone, fear of change, fear of closeness and their own fear of commitment. If we are familiar with our own self-sabotaging behavior, we are ready to make better choices.
Through case histories and biblical references, Hawkins helps the reader view a fully committed relationship, determine where you and your man are on that journey and helps direct you to greater emotional intimacy.
Armchair Interviews says: Hawkins puts into words what many women know but either fail to recognize or just haven't considered when looking for Prince Charming.
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