40 of 42 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
If you knowingly help someone cheat, you're not a victim, November 24, 2009
In this book, the author does a good job of describing the types of lies men tell, what tactics they use to get out of trouble when confronted, and even how to spot the most dangerous liar of all: the sociopath.
But I had 2 major problems with this book, too:
PROBLEM # 1 - Treating mistresses like victims.
The author portrays mistresses as victims because the married men they got involved with lied about leaving their wives for them.
While it's true these men did lie about leaving, what they did NOT lie about was being married.
These women knew from the start that these men were married. And so, in order to date a married man, they needed to get the permission of BOTH people in that marriage to do so, not just his. That's the respectful thing to do.
But these women didn't do the respectful thing. They did the disrespectful, selfish, and opportunistic thing and entered his marriage without bothering to get his wife's consent, too.
They also fully understood that in order for them to be together, these men had to continuously lie to their wives. Since these mistresses went along with that deal, this tells me they're okay with lying, just as long as those lies are strictly reserved for the wife only. But once those lies were directed towards these mistresses, too, then these mistresses tried to play the victim card.
But mistresses are NOT victims.
They're just opportunists who thought they could prosper by cheating and instead, their plan to run off with someone else's husband backfired on them.
But does the author ever point this out or challenge these mistresses to improve their poor character?
No, instead the author focuses solely on the married man's poor character.
Her life lesson here is that a mistress shouldn't hope for a married man to leave his wife for her because a man who could cheat on his wife could cheat on her, too.
True...but if she's helping him cheat on his wife, for her own selfish gain, then that means she views cheating as a justifiable means to an end.
So, wouldn't that mindset make a mistress just as risky a partner for future cheating?
Another life lesson from the author is that while the author knows of some men who do leave their wives for their mistresses (and good relationships result from his doing so), the author says this is a rare occurrence, so mistresses shouldn't get their hopes up of this happening someday.
There's three things wrong with this message:
First...telling a mistress that when men leave their wives for their mistresses, they lead very happy relationships with them will only add more fuel to a mistresses already present hatred for his wife (whom she feels is keeping them apart...and apparently, keeping them from having a good relationship together).
Second...two people who think it's okay to seek pleasure at someone else's expense obviously have some serious narcissistic issues...so this author believing two narcissists can have a good relationship causes me to question this author's expertise on what constitutes a healthy relationship.
And finally...when a wife is cheated on, it is one of the most humiliating, degrading, and demoralizing experiences she could ever go through...and then to actually be left for the person who helped him cheat is even more demoralizing.
So a mistress hoping one day a man will inflict this double-whammy of pain onto his wife just so these two lovebirds can finally be together, again, shows a serious lack of character.
But alas, the author never challenges the mindset of a mistress, so mistresses will likely walk away from this experience thinking the problem is entirely his.
Case in point -- one woman asked her married lover, "How can you live like this?"
This is an odd question because if she finds his lying so objectionable, then why didn't she object when he lied to his wife in order to spend time with her?
The real question she should be asking is - how can SHE feel good helping a man make a fool out of his wife?
PROBLEM # 2 - The author's advice on how to deal with a liar
Once women realize they're involved with a liar, the author advises women to confront the liar and get him to recommit to a relationship based on integrity...in other words, no more lying.
She then provides assertive responses a woman can use in case he tries to manipulate her further.
The problem with this logic is that men who place a very high value on being honest and playing fair ALREADY have relationships based on integrity.
They don't need to recommit to values they already have.
Of course, these men are not perfect, but they're not chronic liars either.
That's why, although I believe in speaking up and being assertive, I'm more concerned with WHO you're trying to be assertive with.
How realistic is it to expect a man who doesn't value integrity to turn into a man who does?
One man, when caught cheating, mischievously said, "I've been a bad boy."
Immediately a red flag popped up telling me this man clearly had no remorse for what he did, so it's likely he'd cheat again.
In this situation, it would be wise to leave him because if you stayed with him, you'd basically be trying to get this man to change his values to match yours...and as you've probably heard, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change.
The author, however, advises women in this situation to tell him she understands the conversation is making him uncomfortable, but they won't get anywhere if he uses comedy.
But isn't it obvious this man is too immature to have an adult relationship with?
Wouldn't it be wiser to just leave?
Or does she have to wait `till he gives her herpes before she's finally justified in leaving?
There is a section about leaving in this book, but before you're allowed to leave, the author wants you to ask yourself if you've given him enough time to change, are you being too impulsive, etc...?
But a liar doesn't deserve this kind of analysis.
Marriage is based on trust, so if one person deliberately breaks that trust for his own selfish gain, then that person loses the right to stay in the marriage.
You're justified in leaving, right now, without giving him second or third chances.
I'm uncomfortable with any advice that causes women to second-guess leaving a mental abuser and thus, causing her to procrastinate in leaving him.
That's why I prefer the book Romantic Deception by Dr. Sally Caldwell over this one.
In Caldwell's book, there is no section giving you advice to hang in there, just be more assertive and a romantic liar will recognize the error of his ways and change.
Instead, the focus in on recognizing who a liar is, why you should leave him, and how you can safely leave him.
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