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When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal Paperback – December 22, 1999

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When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal + I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship + Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Harper Perennial (December 22, 1999)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0060931159
  • ISBN-13: 978-0060931155
  • Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.5 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (80 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #108,670 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Forward has written several self-help classics about lousy, damaging relationships (Emotional Blackmail; Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them). Once again, she combines gentle empathy with no-nonsense advice as she examines men who lie to women and what women can do about it. Her goal, she writes, addressing women who have been lied to, is to "transform the wounds of betrayal and deception into the wisdom that will illuminate your path." From sexual infidelity to financial disaster, hidden addictions to secret ex-wives, Forward focuses on the serious lies that "involve an intent to deceive" and always "harm us and our relationships." She explains men's various motives, beliefs and behavior patterns, as well as women's frequent denial, "collusion" and acceptance of blame. Forward clearly describes the kind of liar she calls "the sociopath" and sternly warns women to steer clear of the beast and, if already involved with one, to "leave immediately." She then moves on to specific steps for confronting the (non-sociopathic) liar with the reality of his behavior and advises women how to set conditions for continuing the relationship and how to get support from friends, family and professional counselors. Buttressing her advice with examples from her practice, Forward offers some straight talk to women who may have forgotten what candor sounds like.
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

Has the man in your life betrayed your confidence and trust? If yes, this powerful new audio will provide invaluable advice. Forward (Betrayal of Innocence, Audio Reviews, LJ 5/15/92), an internationally acclaimed therapist with over 20 years in private practice, shows how to maneuver through the tangled web of lying in love relationships. She profiles the wide variety of liars, tells how to deal with the lies, and helps develop practical strategies to stop them before they destroy your relationship and your life. The author offers proven step-by-step methods for healing the wounds caused by deception and betrayal and also lights the path to rebuilding confidence and self-respect in both you and your partner. Recommended.AMarty D. Evensvold, Magnolia P.L., TX
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Customer Reviews

This book is very informative and easy to read.
This book has opened my eyes to what really can be and how to help myself through this difficult time.
When I picked this book I knew that it would just tell me things that I already knew, and it did.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

106 of 107 people found the following review helpful By Book Lover on June 6, 2005
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I would give this book 10 stars if I could. I love the author's no nonsense, no excuses style of writing.

I bought two copies of this book - one for myself and one for my sister. The reason I bought it is because my sister is in a marriage full of lies & infidelity and I wanted to understand why she stays in the marriage. It did help me to see that she sees everything through rose colored glasses and is in major denial because all her hopes and dreams have been shattered therefore she has to cling to something!

Before I read this book I thought that my sister's situation was unique, that she & her husband wouldn't fit into any category. Boy, was I wrong! I was completely amazed that all these liars fit into neat little categories. My brother-in-law is "the confessor" and uses "the insanity defense" as his excuses for lying and cheating. I could not believe that I was reading about their life in this book! Even the things that my sister tells us (her family) is in there (i.e. no one else understands, no one knows him like I do, etc., etc.) It's all in there!!

What I love most about this book is once you read it, you will never again be able to fall for his lies again! It opens your eyes and I think once you read it you will never look at the liar the same again. You will see all the lies for exactly what they are - LIES - instead of "I hope he is telling me the truth this time". The author shows you the pattern that all these liars follow therefore when you read this book you will recognize it for what it is!

I desperately hope that my sister will read the copy I sent to her. If not, maybe she will at least donate it to her local library to help women who actually want to be helped!

I highly recommend this book if you are in a relationship based on lies (even if you just suspect lies) and deception. You won't be sorry!
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54 of 56 people found the following review helpful By Stephanie Manley VINE VOICE on April 21, 2005
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Being in a relationship with someone who lies is extremely difficult, the disbelief when you first realize they are a liar; then in the decision of what you should do about it. Susan writes with empathy towards these situations. As not all relationships start out badly, nor do they always start out with a bunch of lies. Its after you are settled in the relationship, the realization hits.

Many different women, and their relationships are described in this book. Along with these relationship descriptions are the results of the decisions that they took. Not all relationships were doomed.

One good piece of advice I recently read, is if in a relationship you are lied to once, its a misunderstanding, the second time, its a moment of huge reflection; upon the third lie, leave before you are too involved. Susan empowers the reader with ideas, suggestions, and some of the reasons why your lover may be the way they are.

Its definately one of the best books I have read on relationships, and why people do what they do. I would urge anyone to read this book that may have a relationship with a compulsive liar. Not to do anything about the situation only results in more and greater unhappiness.
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94 of 106 people found the following review helpful By Elisabeth on November 24, 2009
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
In this book, the author does a good job describing the types of lies men tell, what tactics they use to avoid negative consequences when confronted, and how to spot the most dangerous liar of all -- the sociopath.
But I also had 2 major problems with this book, too:

PROBLEM # 1 - Treating mistresses like victims.

Mistresses are portrayed as victims because the married men they cheat with lied about leaving their wives for them. While it's true these men lied about leaving, they did NOT lie about being married. From the start, these women knew they were married and yet, entered his marriage without bothering to get his wife's consent.

They also knew that in order for them to be together, these men had to continuously lie to their wives. So if they're OK with that deal, that tells me they're OK with lying...just as long as those are directed towards the wife only. Once those lies directed towards them as well, they cried foul play, with the author pitying them as if they are victims, too.

Mistresses, however, are not victims. They're just opportunists who tried to prosper by cheating, but their plans to run off with someone else's husband backfired on them.

Does the author ever challenge these mistress's poor character? No. Instead, she focuses solely on the married man's poor character.
Her life lesson is that a mistress shouldn't hope a married man will leave his wife for her because a man who could cheat on his wife could cheat on her, too. True....but if she helped him cheat, for her own selfish gain, that means she considers cheating a justifiable means to an end. So wouldn't that make her just as risky for future cheating, too?
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30 of 31 people found the following review helpful By pattyl on May 22, 2006
Format: Paperback
When your gut is telling you one thing and he is telling you another, the confusion literally weakens your mental powers and makes you doubt yourself. You slow down at work, your creative powers diminish, your lust for life fades and you suffer all the effects of emotional abuse. Betrayal, just one of the types of lying discussed in this book, is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse there is.

This is another no-nonsense tell-it-like-it-is book from Susan. She's keeping us all sane and on the path to maturity. When you read a book by someone who tells you that verbal or emotional abuse is partly your fault or that you brought it on and that you can make changes to yourself to "fix" this relationship, that's another form of abuse. Statistics are clear - some 97% of men do not stay after being betrayed and lied to. Women tend to be slower to accept it, and suffer more emotionally and physically. Long-term, if they stay, the distrust and anger can grow and 20 years from now can cause the same problems that long-term abuse of any other kind can cause.

This author provides action plans - if you want to try to make it work - that are fair to **you**. She says it's not a good idea to forgive someone who has **done nothing to earn it.** She's made me strong again after a very abusive mother (Toxic Parents) and now, much later, a relationship characterized by lying. She keeps accountability where it belongs (not on the person who was hurt!) and provides the words you need to understand...'what just happened?'

You can not only get up and walk again when you get the truth about lying, you are much stronger and able to launch a new life. Although, I would like to see more from Susan about how to recover after all the abuse she writes about, I highly recommend this book.
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