Customer Reviews

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal

5 star:		(36)
4 star:		(9)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I would give this book 10 stars if I could. I love the author's no nonsense, no excuses style of writing.

I bought two copies of this book - one for myself and one for my sister. The reason I bought it is because my sister is in a marriage full of lies & infidelity and I wanted to understand why she stays in the marriage. It did help me to see that she sees everything through rose colored glasses and is in major denial because all her hopes and dreams have been shattered therefore she has to cling to something!

Before I read this book I thought that my sister's situation was unique, that she & her husband wouldn't fit into any category. Boy, was I wrong! I was completely amazed that all these liars fit into neat little categories. My brother-in-law is "the confessor" and uses "the insanity defense" as his excuses for lying and cheating. I could not believe that I was reading about their life in this book! Even the things that my sister tells us (her family) is in there (i.e. no one else understands, no one knows him like I do, etc., etc.) It's all in there!!

What I love most about this book is once you read it, you will never again be able to fall for his lies again! It opens your eyes and I think once you read it you will never look at the liar the same again. You will see all the lies for exactly what they are - LIES - instead of "I hope he is telling me the truth this time". The author shows you the pattern that all these liars follow therefore when you read this book you will recognize it for what it is!

I desperately hope that my sister will read the copy I sent to her. If not, maybe she will at least donate it to her local library to help women who actually want to be helped!

I highly recommend this book if you are in a relationship based on lies (even if you just suspect lies) and deception. You won't be sorry!

In this book, the author does a good job of describing the types of lies men tell, what tactics they use to get out of trouble when confronted, and even how to spot the most dangerous liar of all: the sociopath.
But I had 2 major problems with this book, too:

PROBLEM # 1 - Treating mistresses like victims.

The author portrays mistresses as victims because the married men they got involved with lied about leaving their wives for them.
While it's true these men did lie about leaving, what they did NOT lie about was being married.

These women knew from the start that these men were married. And so, in order to date a married man, they needed to get the permission of BOTH people in that marriage to do so, not just his. That's the respectful thing to do.

But these women didn't do the respectful thing. They did the disrespectful, selfish, and opportunistic thing and entered his marriage without bothering to get his wife's consent, too.

They also fully understood that in order for them to be together, these men had to continuously lie to their wives. Since these mistresses went along with that deal, this tells me they're okay with lying, just as long as those lies are strictly reserved for the wife only. But once those lies were directed towards these mistresses, too, then these mistresses tried to play the victim card.
But mistresses are NOT victims.
They're just opportunists who thought they could prosper by cheating and instead, their plan to run off with someone else's husband backfired on them.

But does the author ever point this out or challenge these mistresses to improve their poor character?
No, instead the author focuses solely on the married man's poor character.
Her life lesson here is that a mistress shouldn't hope for a married man to leave his wife for her because a man who could cheat on his wife could cheat on her, too.
True...but if she's helping him cheat on his wife, for her own selfish gain, then that means she views cheating as a justifiable means to an end.
So, wouldn't that mindset make a mistress just as risky a partner for future cheating?

Another life lesson from the author is that while the author knows of some men who do leave their wives for their mistresses (and good relationships result from his doing so), the author says this is a rare occurrence, so mistresses shouldn't get their hopes up of this happening someday.

There's three things wrong with this message:

First...telling a mistress that when men leave their wives for their mistresses, they lead very happy relationships with them will only add more fuel to a mistresses already present hatred for his wife (whom she feels is keeping them apart...and apparently, keeping them from having a good relationship together).

Second...two people who think it's okay to seek pleasure at someone else's expense obviously have some serious narcissistic issues...so this author believing two narcissists can have a good relationship causes me to question this author's expertise on what constitutes a healthy relationship.

And finally...when a wife is cheated on, it is one of the most humiliating, degrading, and demoralizing experiences she could ever go through...and then to actually be left for the person who helped him cheat is even more demoralizing.
So a mistress hoping one day a man will inflict this double-whammy of pain onto his wife just so these two lovebirds can finally be together, again, shows a serious lack of character.

But alas, the author never challenges the mindset of a mistress, so mistresses will likely walk away from this experience thinking the problem is entirely his.
Case in point -- one woman asked her married lover, "How can you live like this?"
This is an odd question because if she finds his lying so objectionable, then why didn't she object when he lied to his wife in order to spend time with her?
The real question she should be asking is - how can SHE feel good helping a man make a fool out of his wife?

PROBLEM # 2 - The author's advice on how to deal with a liar

Once women realize they're involved with a liar, the author advises women to confront the liar and get him to recommit to a relationship based on integrity...in other words, no more lying.
She then provides assertive responses a woman can use in case he tries to manipulate her further.

The problem with this logic is that men who place a very high value on being honest and playing fair ALREADY have relationships based on integrity.
They don't need to recommit to values they already have.
Of course, these men are not perfect, but they're not chronic liars either.

That's why, although I believe in speaking up and being assertive, I'm more concerned with WHO you're trying to be assertive with.
How realistic is it to expect a man who doesn't value integrity to turn into a man who does?

One man, when caught cheating, mischievously said, "I've been a bad boy."
Immediately a red flag popped up telling me this man clearly had no remorse for what he did, so it's likely he'd cheat again.
In this situation, it would be wise to leave him because if you stayed with him, you'd basically be trying to get this man to change his values to match yours...and as you've probably heard, you can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

The author, however, advises women in this situation to tell him she understands the conversation is making him uncomfortable, but they won't get anywhere if he uses comedy.
But isn't it obvious this man is too immature to have an adult relationship with?
Wouldn't it be wiser to just leave?
Or does she have to wait `till he gives her herpes before she's finally justified in leaving?

There is a section about leaving in this book, but before you're allowed to leave, the author wants you to ask yourself if you've given him enough time to change, are you being too impulsive, etc...?
But a liar doesn't deserve this kind of analysis.
Marriage is based on trust, so if one person deliberately breaks that trust for his own selfish gain, then that person loses the right to stay in the marriage.
You're justified in leaving, right now, without giving him second or third chances.
I'm uncomfortable with any advice that causes women to second-guess leaving a mental abuser and thus, causing her to procrastinate in leaving him.

That's why I prefer the book Romantic Deception by Dr. Sally Caldwell over this one.
In Caldwell's book, there is no section giving you advice to hang in there, just be more assertive and a romantic liar will recognize the error of his ways and change.
Instead, the focus in on recognizing who a liar is, why you should leave him, and how you can safely leave him.

For months, I've felt as if I was the only person on earth that has had to go through the lies and deceptions of a Sociopath. And, I felt as if I was the one going nuts because of the rage, anger, hurt, and confusion that I felt inside but could not seem to control. This book really helped put my feelings back into perspective and helped me understand that I'm not going crazy and that my feelings are 'NORMAL' for what I've been through. I love the way that it was written in a language towards healing me from my own inner strengths and was not at all a 'man bashing' book. I recommend this book to any woman that has been deceived and is searching for an understanding. It has helped me realize that my world has not ended, but has begun yet again, with a new shade of sunshine to lead me in the right path of love and relationships!!! Only "I" can control "MY" life!

Being in a relationship with someone who lies is extremely difficult, the disbelief when you first realize they are a liar; then in the decision of what you should do about it. Susan writes with empathy towards these situations. As not all relationships start out badly, nor do they always start out with a bunch of lies. Its after you are settled in the relationship, the realization hits.
Many different women, and their relationships are described in this book. Along with these relationship descriptions are the results of the decisions that they took. Not all relationships were doomed.
One good piece of advice I recently read, is if in a relationship you are lied to once, its a misunderstanding, the second time, its a moment of huge reflection; upon the third lie, leave before you are too involved. Susan empowers the reader with ideas, suggestions, and some of the reasons why your lover may be the way they are.
Its definately one of the best books I have read on relationships, and why people do what they do. I would urge anyone to read this book that may have a relationship with a compulsive liar. Not to do anything about the situation only results in more and greater unhappiness.

When your gut is telling you one thing and he is telling you another, the confusion literally weakens your mental powers and makes you doubt yourself. You slow down at work, your creative powers diminish, your lust for life fades and you suffer all the effects of emotional abuse. Betrayal, just one of the types of lying discussed in this book, is one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse there is.

This is another no-nonsense tell-it-like-it-is book from Susan. She's keeping us all sane and on the path to maturity. When you read a book by someone who tells you that verbal or emotional abuse is partly your fault or that you brought it on and that you can make changes to yourself to "fix" this relationship, that's another form of abuse. Statistics are clear - some 97% of men do not stay after being betrayed and lied to. Women tend to be slower to accept it, and suffer more emotionally and physically. Long-term, if they stay, the distrust and anger can grow and 20 years from now can cause the same problems that long-term abuse of any other kind can cause.

This author provides action plans - if you want to try to make it work - that are fair to **you**. She says it's not a good idea to forgive someone who has **done nothing to earn it.** She's made me strong again after a very abusive mother (Toxic Parents) and now, much later, a relationship characterized by lying. She keeps accountability where it belongs (not on the person who was hurt!) and provides the words you need to understand...'what just happened?'

You can not only get up and walk again when you get the truth about lying, you are much stronger and able to launch a new life. Although, I would like to see more from Susan about how to recover after all the abuse she writes about, I highly recommend this book.

The stories in this book made me feel as if someone had actually witnessed some of the incidents that have happened in my marriage. When you are involved in one of these relationships, you become so adept at lying to yourself, that you cannot believe what is happening. You feel like you are completely alone. This was EXACTLY how I felt. This book was enlightening in that it showed me that I am not alone. Oftentimes, I got goosebumps while reading. It was so very real and accurate, and for the first time I could see my relationship as someone else. It made what had happened real, and gave me the reassurance that the steps I had already taken in leaving my spouse were justified. It was almost haunting how someone you don't know at all could have such insight into the thing you have become most adept at hiding. I found it hard to put down, and find myself re-reading and highlighting passages. If you have EVER been lied to - about infidelity, finances, past relationships, ANYTHING - this book is a must read.

This book gave me the insight to understand that I was married to a sociopath. It also helped me to understand that his lying and affairs were not my fault and it is normal to grieve the loss of the relationship.

While the author gives advice to women on how to work on a relationship with a man that has lied (other than a sociopath), my personal thought is lie to me once - shame on you, lie to me twice - shame on me.

This book is, in one word, TERRIFIC!! Although I purchased this book for my daughter, who just recently went through a divorce due to a marriage based on lies, I found it very enlightening in the view of a mother-in-law who had accepted her daughter's husband like a son of her own. His lying was not confined to just his wife, but filtered down to his relationships with others as well, myself included. This book showed me that my feelings almost "mourning" at the loss of the bond between all of us are completely natural and that it is all right to grieve. It also showed me that, sometimes when a marriage is so damaged by untruths, it is necessary to get out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and given the suggestions offered in this book, you will survive and find love again but, this time, with a wisdom gained from the experience you've been forced to endure.

After finding out my "now" ex-boyfriend, who was temporarily working in another state, had been cheating on me with someone for several months, I thought I must be crazy, stupid, or both to not have seen the signs sooner. I also went through the devastation, self-blame and feelings of panic that Susan describes in this book to a "T". She even got right the types of denials my ex-boyfriend had made to me when I confronted him. While no book can make the pain disappear, it sure is nice to know your feelings and thoughts are not crazy, but instead are shared by so many others. She really concentrates on helping you to stop beating yourself up over something you didn't cause or ask for in the first place. Here's a woman who's been there AND understands.

When I read the chapter on the Sociopath, my heart started to pound and I got goose bumps. Everything Susan Forward described on the checklists was exactly the deceptive liar I had been involved with. Her book gave me the resolve to get out now and never go back. I've been trying to do this for ten years. She made me realize there is no hope for or with this type of person. Thank you Susan for spelling it out so clearly!