When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends and over one million other books are available for Amazon Kindle. Learn more



or
Sign in to turn on 1-Click ordering
More Buying Choices
Have one to sell? Sell yours here
Start reading When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends on your Kindle in under a minute.

Don't have a Kindle? Get your Kindle here, or download a FREE Kindle Reading App.
Sorry, this item is not available in
Image not available for
Color:
Image not available

To view this video download Flash Player

 

When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life [Paperback]

Victoria Secunda
4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (54 customer reviews)

List Price: $17.00
Price: $15.15 & FREE Shipping on orders over $25. Details
You Save: $1.85 (11%)
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
In Stock.
Ships from and sold by Amazon.com. Gift-wrap available.
Want it Tuesday, May 21? Choose One-Day Shipping at checkout. Details

Formats

Amazon Price New from Used from
Kindle Edition --  
Hardcover --  
Paperback $15.15  
Unknown Binding --  
Image
Looking for the Audiobook Edition?
Tell us that you'd like this title to be produced as an audiobook, and we'll alert our colleagues at Audible.com. If you are the author or rights holder, let Audible help you produce the audiobook: Learn more at ACX.com.

Book Description

May 1, 1991
This, the first book ever to say that mother is not always a girl's best friend, is based on a landmark study of the mother-daughter relationships. Secunda offers breakthrough advice on understanding, and improving, what could be a woman's most critical relationship.

Frequently Bought Together

When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life + Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers + Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Price for all three: $40.54

Buy the selected items together


Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In her well-researched study freelance journalist Secunda draws on 100 interviews with grown daughters in which they describe early painful relationships with their mothers, protracted in their adult emotional lives and memories. To help repair the damage done to the psyches of daughters whose mothers are characterized as, for instance, the Avenger, the Doormat, the Smotherer, the author suggests a measure of separation from the mother--"divorce" if need be--designed to rid the daughter of guilt, restore her self-esteem and prepare her for her own motherhood. Secunda advises daughters to forgive their fallible mothers, "who did the best they could," and attempt a balance based on generosity and self-preservation. Nevertheless, this study tends to treat daughters as hapless victims, underestimating the pressures imposed on mothers of yesterday and today. Major ad/promo; first serial to Redbook; BOMC featured alternate; author tour.
Copyright 1990 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

Extensive research went into this detailed study of troubled mother-daughter relationships and how these relationships can be improved, usually through the efforts of the daughter. Dysfunctional parents usually raise dysfunctional children who pass the same behavior on to their children unless a conscientious effort, often with the help of therapy, is made to break the chain. Practical advice on how to come to terms with, and often improve, unhealthy mother-daughter bonds is offered through excerpts from many interviews and quotes from experts. Serial rights to Cosmopolitan and Redbook will bring additional attention to this book.
-Marguerite Mroz, Baltimore Cty. P.L.
Copyright 1990 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 432 pages
  • Publisher: Delta; Reprint edition (May 1, 1991)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0385304234
  • ISBN-13: 978-0385304238
  • Product Dimensions: 6.2 x 1 x 9.1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (54 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #35,525 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

I found this book incredibly insightful. GRB  |  10 reviewers made a similar statement
I immediately purchased copies of the book for my mother and my daughter. Karen Fiddament (dkfidd@psln.com)  |  7 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
308 of 312 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Healing and empathetic -- a blueprint for change September 30, 1999
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
I read this book a couple of years ago, and it literally changed my life. For so many years I felt guilty about the tensions between my hyper-critical mother and myself -- as if it were somehow my fault that she got under my skin and that I should somehow be able to rise above it and simply accept her for who she is, which is what a lot of "experts" on this subject seem to suggest. Victoria Secunda takes a different perspective -- she looks at the situation from the daughter's point of view. Her first goal is to empathize with the daughters who are suffering from their mothers' unhealthy patterns, and to validate their feelings. She describes the "Bad Mommy Taboo," which is society's tendency to glorify the mother-daughter connection and condemn all valid negative feelings daughters might have toward their moms. This leaves the daughters feeling as if their pain is somehow their own doing; that daring to find fault with their mothers makes them horrible, ungrateful children. Thankfully, Secunda, by naming this syndrome, gives us permission to look at our mothers more objectively. I'm now at the stage where I am working on myself, trying to strengthen my boundaries and sense of self, because I now know my mother won't change -- she'll probably keep her critical ways for the rest of her life. My pain is real, however, and I'm working on transforming it. Secunda shows us how, and gives us hope that we don't have to prolong these patterns into the next generation. This book is a wonderful gift from the author to daughters everywhere. I marvel at the courage it must have taken to write it! Thank you Victoria Secunda!!!
Was this review helpful to you?
206 of 216 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the difference between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers manipulate us and how we react, why you tend to become your mother's opposite- or her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.
The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo, in which many in society refuse to accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types. Great pressure is put on adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do, and to accept abuse because "she's your mother". A daughter who rebels or stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets protected. Or she protects herself. Or she is protected by her husband."
I found myself nodding in agreement as I related my own life testimony, as well as other testimonies I have heard in the course of my ministry, Luke 17:3 Ministries, to many of the teachings in this book, especially the Bad Mommy Taboo. It is amazing just how universal and pervasive this is. People with normal mothers find it difficult to understand how it can be possible to have a destructive mother. But the strange thing is that even those with very abusive, controlling, or downright evil mothers can still be in deep denial concerning their mothers' true natures. Many continue to take the blame for an unsuccessful relationship and to expose themselves to abuse, thinking there must be something wrong with them because mom couldn't possibly be the problem. After all, moms are loving and caring of their children, right?
Well, unfortunately for some adult children, that's not right, and understanding this and realizing what is going on is the first step toward healing. This book is very helpful in that regard, and will teach us to recognize and deal with such a mother, even if she is our own. It is also encouraging in helping us tell the truth and protect ourselves over the objections of outsiders- which includes other family members.
We learn about the Evolution of the Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive mothers, including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the Deserter. Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers' destructiveness, many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker, or the Defector.
In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining the mother-daughter relationship. We are helped to understand what kind of relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother. We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship. We might settle for a "truce" in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we successfully enforce boundaries. Or the only way we may be able to survive might be to "divorce" our mother. One women explained,"....I've finally come to the conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again. She's just not good for my mental health." We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.
The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."
This book is well-researched and well-balanced. Many suggestions are given for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that this may not be possible is not denied. It is important to see how our victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships, and to stop the cycle before it affects the next generation.
Drawing on years of research and hundreds of interviews, the author "shows you how to let go, gain understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last."
Was this review helpful to you?
106 of 111 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This book changed my life really! June 15, 1999
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
This book helped me regain my sanity. My mother for lack of a better word is a self-proclaimed matyr and I felt guilty since I can remember for ever making her the least bit uncomfortable, my sister did too. This book helped me realize that just because someone is a mother doesn't make them a good parent and that there are others like me. It takes you through your family's history and helps you to understand why mom may be the way she is and what you can do to deal with (or chose not to deal with) that relationship.

I was on the verge of never speaking to my mother or her side of the family again, but this book turned it around and now although I doubt we will ever be like a TV 50s family, I can talk to my mom and she appears to listen to what I say.

I highly recommend this book if you are feeling the least bit guilty about what you feel about dear old mom, want to cut her out of your life, or just want to understand why you and your mom have little to nothing in common.

Comment | 
Was this review helpful to you?
Most Recent Customer Reviews
4.0 out of 5 stars Helped with further healing
This book helped me with my further healing with understanding my mother. It helped me to understand her more and forgive.
Published 9 days ago by Lisa Cunningham
5.0 out of 5 stars At long last we have the book we really need
As this has been such a taboo topic it has been difficult to raise the damaging issues surrounding it. Read more
Published 1 month ago by 1metro
4.0 out of 5 stars helpful for difficult relationships
if you have issues with your mom and you can't quite figure out why or how to handle the relationship, this will be a very insightful and helpful book to read. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Melinda Gann
3.0 out of 5 stars Print too light
I'm sure this book had good information, I just couldn't read any of it due to the faint, light, print. Sent back since I couldn't read it.
Published 4 months ago by Billy G. Lewallen
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant ~ and the first one my adult daughter has been open to...
I can understand the frustration expressed by some readers who, though they have found this book helpful didn't feel hopeful that anything would change in their relationships with... Read more
Published 5 months ago by Emilyss
5.0 out of 5 stars this book will change your life
I can't understand some of the negative reviews about this book that say it offers little advice and boring, etc....far from it. I couldn't put it down. Read more
Published 12 months ago by charlie
5.0 out of 5 stars great insight
This book is well researched and well written. The experiences and consequences are very well demonstrated. Read more
Published 13 months ago by Lucy van Pelt
5.0 out of 5 stars finally....the reason I am a mess is not me
I am still reading this book but....it has opened so many things for me. Finally...knowing it was NOT me! It was her and the generations that came before her. Great book... Read more
Published 13 months ago by Tammy L. Mcvey
1.0 out of 5 stars big words
I'm having a hard time reading this because the author uses words I'm not familiar with. Her writing style is way beyond my comprehension. I don't want to keep looking up words. Read more
Published 14 months ago by Rona K. Matsuzaki
5.0 out of 5 stars great job
the book was received in record time and in very good condition. thank you so much!it is a very interesting book and i am almost half way through. Read more
Published 16 months ago by sarah mcguire
Search Customer Reviews
Only search this product's reviews


Forums

There are no discussions about this product yet.
Be the first to discuss this product with the community.
Start a new discussion
Topic:
First post:
Prompts for sign-in
 





Look for Similar Items by Category