Customer Reviews

When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life

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I read this book a couple of years ago, and it literally changed my life. For so many years I felt guilty about the tensions between my hyper-critical mother and myself -- as if it were somehow my fault that she got under my skin and that I should somehow be able to rise above it and simply accept her for who she is, which is what a lot of "experts" on this subject seem to suggest. Victoria Secunda takes a different perspective -- she looks at the situation from the daughter's point of view. Her first goal is to empathize with the daughters who are suffering from their mothers' unhealthy patterns, and to validate their feelings. She describes the "Bad Mommy Taboo," which is society's tendency to glorify the mother-daughter connection and condemn all valid negative feelings daughters might have toward their moms. This leaves the daughters feeling as if their pain is somehow their own doing; that daring to find fault with their mothers makes them horrible, ungrateful children. Thankfully, Secunda, by naming this syndrome, gives us permission to look at our mothers more objectively. I'm now at the stage where I am working on myself, trying to strengthen my boundaries and sense of self, because I now know my mother won't change -- she'll probably keep her critical ways for the rest of her life. My pain is real, however, and I'm working on transforming it. Secunda shows us how, and gives us hope that we don't have to prolong these patterns into the next generation. This book is a wonderful gift from the author to daughters everywhere. I marvel at the courage it must have taken to write it! Thank you Victoria Secunda!!!

Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the difference between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers manipulate us and how we react, why you tend to become your mother's opposite- or her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.
The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo, in which many in society refuse to accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types. Great pressure is put on adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do, and to accept abuse because "she's your mother". A daughter who rebels or stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets protected. Or she protects herself. Or she is protected by her husband."
I found myself nodding in agreement as I related my own life testimony, as well as other testimonies I have heard in the course of my ministry, Luke 17:3 Ministries, to many of the teachings in this book, especially the Bad Mommy Taboo. It is amazing just how universal and pervasive this is. People with normal mothers find it difficult to understand how it can be possible to have a destructive mother. But the strange thing is that even those with very abusive, controlling, or downright evil mothers can still be in deep denial concerning their mothers' true natures. Many continue to take the blame for an unsuccessful relationship and to expose themselves to abuse, thinking there must be something wrong with them because mom couldn't possibly be the problem. After all, moms are loving and caring of their children, right?
Well, unfortunately for some adult children, that's not right, and understanding this and realizing what is going on is the first step toward healing. This book is very helpful in that regard, and will teach us to recognize and deal with such a mother, even if she is our own. It is also encouraging in helping us tell the truth and protect ourselves over the objections of outsiders- which includes other family members.
We learn about the Evolution of the Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive mothers, including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the Deserter. Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers' destructiveness, many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker, or the Defector.
In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining the mother-daughter relationship. We are helped to understand what kind of relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother. We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship. We might settle for a "truce" in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we successfully enforce boundaries. Or the only way we may be able to survive might be to "divorce" our mother. One women explained,"....I've finally come to the conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again. She's just not good for my mental health." We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.
The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."
This book is well-researched and well-balanced. Many suggestions are given for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that this may not be possible is not denied. It is important to see how our victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships, and to stop the cycle before it affects the next generation.
Drawing on years of research and hundreds of interviews, the author "shows you how to let go, gain understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last."

This book helped me regain my sanity. My mother for lack of a better word is a self-proclaimed matyr and I felt guilty since I can remember for ever making her the least bit uncomfortable, my sister did too. This book helped me realize that just because someone is a mother doesn't make them a good parent and that there are others like me. It takes you through your family's history and helps you to understand why mom may be the way she is and what you can do to deal with (or chose not to deal with) that relationship.

I was on the verge of never speaking to my mother or her side of the family again, but this book turned it around and now although I doubt we will ever be like a TV 50s family, I can talk to my mom and she appears to listen to what I say.

I highly recommend this book if you are feeling the least bit guilty about what you feel about dear old mom, want to cut her out of your life, or just want to understand why you and your mom have little to nothing in common.

Fianlly, a book with some answers! It was so truthful, I was shocked! It said everyhting I was feeling, and then some! It was a very detailed book, with many quotes from daughters and experts. If you ever wondered why it is nearly impossible to deal with you mom, (and your brother got off easy), why you still want to talk to her even when you are angry... This book discusses the major types of mothers and daughters, why there is guilt in "not liking your mom", and how to resolve what you can with your mom while being realistic. Even if your mom has passed away or you have a great relationship this book will still help explain a very important realtionship that affects every area of one's life.

I have searched for a book that could help me to understand my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother. This book not only described my mother to the "tee" but I also found myself in this book! I really believed I was alone in this situation but I've found that not only am I not the only one whose mother couldn't show me love and affection while criticising me non-stop, I am also not the only daughter to come out of it relatively intact and strengthened because of it. Yes, I do have emotional issues that still need to be addressed surrounding my childhood and Ms. Secunda addressed those as well! She has come up with categories for mother and daughter -Angel, Defector - Smotherer, Avenger that are so right on it is scary! This book is a miracle! If you're relationship with your mother still eats away at you after years of frustration and pain buy this book now! There is so much healing in simply understanding the past and present dynamics in your family. You will be shocked to learn how common these issues are in families! Though my family is and was extremely dysfunctional, there really are other people out there dealing with the same behavior!

This book examines the usually sacrosanct subject of mother-daughter relationships, offering an insightful and fascinating take on a taboo subject.

Mothers can cause friction by being distant, abusive, controlling, smothering, etc., etc. What really matters is that the author describes these things with an eye toward having the reader educate herself and hopefully, move on to a healthier relationship with mom.

Secunda examines the roles children play in their families which continue in adulthood. Rather than encourage the reader to break with her parents, she advocates learning your mother's history and examining your own attitudes and behavior. Sometimes a truce is impossible, she acknowledges, and your own mental health should come first, but once you've reached this point using the techniques described in the book, you should be well on your way to living a healthier adult life.

If you have lived with a cruel mother, and suffered silently because you were too embarassed to tell anyone that your Mother didn't love you, this book will change your life. I read this book about 7 years ago, and it was the beginning of the end of my relationship problems, and general self loathing. Highly, highly recommend.

My mom is the classic 'Critic' and I responded just as I should. I broke off communications with my mother because she controlled too much of my life and is only out for herself. My worst fears, that there is nothing I can do nor is it because of anything I have done. Page 106&107 especially related to me and my mother. I now know I must wait for her to clear her demons from her childhood for her to have any peace and therefore any chance at a healthy relationship with me and my family. Please read this book if your mother makes you feel guilty for any reason..even if she doesn't mean to or not know she is doing it.. the answer is here...maybe you can fix your 'little' problem before it becomes 'big' like mine.

This book helped me even more than seeing a therapist did. I've read it over and over. I just wish I would have found this book when I was in my early twenties. All different kinds of relationship problems with mothers are covered in this book. I can't think of anything that isn't covered. I am a much happier person after reading this book. It clarifies that I am not alone in my indescribable relationship with my mother.

Finally! Victoria Secunda provides insight and understanding in place of anger, fear and helplessness. I found myself weeping with each new revelation. No wonder I feel like this! No wonder I did that! Help comes at last with Secunda's clear and concise recipes for dealing with and healing the emotionally-charged mother/daughter relationship. I immediately purchased copies of the book for my mother and my daughter. I think it will open a door for communication between us that never existed before. Thank you Victoria Secunda!