Customer Reviews

The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others

5 star:		(17)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Most people who buy this book will resonate with the title and will already know what is in at least one of the first nine chapters. Each tells a story about a different subtype of knight. They discuss their relationships and their childhoods, which are in many ways similar. The childhood descriptions are useful as they show that White Knights are basically raised to respond the way they do. One glaring omission in these stories is the White Knight who always ends up alone. He gets no attention since the book is about the WK in relationships.

While this book is high on case histories and explanations, it is seriously lacking in the HELP department. Chapter ten is the only chapter that directly addresses what can be done to stop these patterns and like the inserts at the end of each chapter, it basically talks about awareness rather than therapies. The idea seems to be that if you are made aware of what you are doing and stop it, that fixes everything. Does it? What sticks out here amid lots of mention of how the brain is trained to reward certain behaviors, is that just stopping the behavior will not somehow direct the person toward good relationships. If you buy the brain training idea, then this person's brain makes him feel good when he devotes himself to others, not when he engages in normal interactions designed to build intimacy without all the WK drama.

The few action oriented suggestions that are provided aren't great. For instance, the author says you can avoid relying on your partner for praise by finishing tasks and finding support in your work environment. This makes little sense as most of the people in the book did just fine at work. That didn't stop the White Knight behavior because praise at work does not translate to feeling valued by a loved one. It would have been much better to use the Rescue section to take apart what happens when a WK engages a person in a relationship and provide specific intervention strategies the person could actually use at every stage of the "game."

THE SHORT OF IT: This book is a good overview of the topic, but the Rescue part is long on description and short on real help. If you think you are a White Knight and know you had a problem childhood, start by reading William Swann's book Resilient Identities and the read some of Bruce Perry's work on abused children, such as "The Boy who was Raised as a Dog". The White Knight Syndrome is not just some habit, it is also about the relating techniques and resultant "brain chemical payoffs" some people were never allowed to develop as a child. Research found in other books suggests that training your brain to avoid what you now want can take years of work. Many people who are tempted to pick up this book are already weary of that struggle.

Reading this book allowed me to understand something I had noticed in my life, but was reluctant to change for fear I would be a less 'good' person. When I realized why I was taking this path, I understood how I could make helping a cholce and not a given. The book is well written and anyone---on or just near the White Knight's horse--- can relate to it. I recommend it highly to all those who would like to help others AND themselves.

I found this book to be very insightful and I experienced many "a-ha" moments as I read it. It is well-written; professional and yet accessible to the lay-person. I recommend it for anyone who is looking to understand her/himself better or wants to understand the "white knights" we all have in our lives.

Relationships are based on many factors: love, lust, compatibility, and common interests. But there are other, more complex layers to our motivations in mate choice. Who among us hasn't witnessed a friend trying to "fix" a new romantic partner? Or been attracted to someone ourselves because we feel able to "help" that person? When these dynamics go awry they create unhealthy patterns of behaviors and beliefs, which Drs. Lamia and Krieger have designated as the "White Knight Syndrome." This book excels at explaining and categorizing different dynamics in romantic relationships that start out "helpful" and end up hurtful. The authors describe different types of rescuers and illustrate each with a vivid, relatable vignette. Part of what makes the book so compelling is that it is nearly impossible to read without finding aspects of yourself or other important people in your life!

Drs. Lamia and Krieger have done an outstanding job in presenting these complex dynamics in an informative, understandable, relatable fashion. In giving such rich examples of white knight behaviors and their origins, readers discover the "whys" of behavior, both their own and other people's. Crucially, the book also offers a complete portrait of what healthy alternatives look like: a "balanced rescuer." The authors don't pathologize the wish to nurture, or even to help a partner. They simply help to distinguish when helpful behavior becomes unhealthy; that is, when helping our partner is actually a misguided attempt to help ourselves.

The book does assume a certain intellectual ability of its readers. Therapists will revel in it, and certainly well-educated clients will find it useful and illuminating. It may be challenging for the everyday reader; but conversely, one of the book's strengths is that it does not talk down to its audience. One can only hope that all therapists embrace it as a new and powerful tool in their arsenal, as its pragmatic advice is thoughtful and sound.

A major strength of the book lies in its summations: the "Thinking About It" boxes at the end of chapters are well-crafted, explicit tools for self-reflection. In these, the authors save the best for last, including clear, practical suggestions for how to cope, learn from the past, and restore self worth. Readers who use these will be wisely taking advantage of an unprecedented bargain of personal psychotherapy from two masters in their field.

Finally, a book that provides a balanced perspective on healthy versus unhealthy helping in a culture very confused about the line between the two. Sadly today truly loving, supportive and generous behavior is often labeled co-dependent and dysfunctional. It's a "must read" for anyone in 12 Step Recovery or raised in a family where survival required abandoning self for another's needs... and for most women who were taught to give and help as ways to be loved. For me, it provided clarity on a subject that years of reading and personal work had not achieved. I highly recommend it. My only regret is that it was not available twenty five years ago.
Sharon Guy

The authors of The White Knight Syndrome describe the very common relationship problem of seeking out partners who need rescuing, while ignoring one's own needs. Using theory and composite case examples, they show how this pattern develops as an adaptation to early experiences. They encourage thoughtful consideration of the problem and solutions rather than pathologize those with the pattern. The White Knight Syndrome is both sophisticated, benefiting from the vast knowledge and experience of its authors, and eminently practical and helpful to non-clinicians and clinicians alike - a true accomplishment!

Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger have assembled a meaningful discussion and analysis of those persons they describe as White Knights. The book utilizes the case approach, providing different factual situations that are followed by an easy to read and understand analysis of the participants described.

The reader of this book will be given significant insight into the White Knight condition and, perhaps, his/her own nurturing initiatives. Well worth the time to read.

Very clear and very well written. I am a lay person and I had no problem following the logic and the patterns explained. The examples were also very helpful.

I loved this book.....particularly the format that was used.
I always love case studies, but I appreciated the thoroughness of each of the ones presented here.
And The Thinking About It section at the end of each chapter: A great clinical tool as well as an extremely good learning device.

This is a wonderful and insight- filled book about certain self destructive relational patterns.
The authors combine psychological theory with wonderful case examples from their vast experience as psychologists.

Each example is a little gem. The examples are wonderfully told snippets of the protagonists' lives and loves that enable the reader to fully understand the psychological theory. But the "stories" are so much more---indeed they make the book hard to put down!!!! The lives described are told in such a thoughtful, respectful, understanding, warm and compassionate way that it makes the reader naturally identify with the patterns that apply to themselves and to other people. But there is something more which makes the examples so engaging. There is also a light and airy feeling to the stories (much like a wonderful short story) --- a reminder that each of us is simply human with our own life story.