Customer Reviews

Who's Pushing Your Buttons?

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

This book is one of those that I picked up solely based on the title and a challenging work relationship I was experiencing. The self-evident reality is that we all have people in our life in some degree or another who "push our buttons". However, what is always the real trick is how we successfully navigate such situations and accomplish what is needed while not damaging the relationship further. I was hoping this book had some insights.

The basic structure of how the ideas of the book are communicated starts with understanding and diagnosing the situation, then looking at our own past and how we effect our current relationships, and finally what resources we can draw on to continue to grow. I found the most interesting of the insights were in the sections about our own roles. For example, often we bring into a difficult relationship a very unrealistic expectation of the worldview of the other person (Page 5). These expectations often create the very problem we blame on others. Whether this is a generational gap with our kids, or simply just a different way of viewing the world, the effect is that unless we acknowledge and seek to understand, the other's behaviors will continue to baffle us.

Another fascinating approach is how the author here attacks our often self-motivated conflict avoidance. (Page 50) When we fail to provide feedback regarding another's behavior and its effect, we essentially "hate" that person by placing our own self interests ahead of the true caring for the other. Strong words indeed, but plenty of examples are outlined that show how this works.

The last half of the book centers on various resources a person can use to improve difficult relationships. I found these to be useful, but not really unique. Nonetheless, I agree with the author that proper use of these resources can change our lives.

Overall, this is a very good book. If you have someone in your life that has a tendency to "push your buttons" or are otherwise difficult to deal with then I have no doubts that much of this material will be useful. The book is easy to read, contains great examples and is written in a conversational tone during the narrative and an easy to absorb format when presenting concepts. Recommended.

This book is a wonderful and practical guide to saving your sanity in the midst of a relationship with the difficult person in your life. I stumbled on to this at the bookstore (I came home and ordered it for 1/2 the price on Amazon)during a time that I was trying to figure out how to deal with a loved one with a personality disorder. I took it to my therapist, who has since reviewed it and recommends it to many of his clients. It is not specific in dealing with an individual with any specific disorder; there is actually no labeling at all beyond the term "botton pusher". This is so helpful! The guidance within creates hope, and provides very practical tools,where as the books I've read from the the secular psychology world put these people in a box. Psychology alone provides much of the same advice, but with very little promise of living a better life with your difficult person. I can't recommend it enough!

I bought this book because I needed some support in dealing with a couple button pushers in my life and was not disappointed in this books teaching. In this book Dr. John Townsend explains that dealing with a button pusher takes a plan and that leaving is not an option in a love relationship, in fact he states boldly that leaving is for wimps.

This book has opened my eyes to may things here are a few
1- We must not be dependant on the person, we can live with and love a difficult person and still change and grow ourselves
2- That we must set boundaries and consequences and those consequences must be appropriate.
3- Even though I focus on the other persons attitudes towards me, what is it about me that draw's out those attitudes in others, how do I push buttons as well.
4- God is ultimately in charge and although it may look like the other person is not learning anything or having to deal with the nasty behavior, all people pay for their actions one way or the other and you cant run from God and he will in fact make things more difficult on the person in order for them to repent and return to him.

Although this book is no landmark on the subject it does offer solid ideas and help on a difficult subject and I would recommend it to anyone trying to get a grasp on living in a difficult relationship.

This is the second book I have read this week by the writing team of Cloud and Townsend - "Safe People" was the other one. I actually have the same compliments and complaints about both books.

On the strong side:

1) It really helps you identify who is a button-pusher
2) Helps identify how a person feels when around a button-pusher
3) Gives the reader some insights into why that person may be a button-pusher
4) Makes the reader reflect on whether or not the reader himself is a button-pusher
5) Gives some very good, practical advice about how to confront a button-pusher and some of the mistakes people make when doing so

While all the above is very good, the last half of the book on what to do with you button-pusher assumes that this is a relationship that needs to be worked on and mended. The examples are largely marriages and parent/child issues. While those are huge issues for the people in those relationships and they need all the guidance they can get, where I find this lacking are for those of us whos button-pushers are friends, neighbors, or other less entertwined relationships. I would love to have a chapter dedicated to those lesser relationships and some sort of guide to help make the decision whether the relationship is worth the time, effort, and pain of trying to save. Not all relationships are created equal and not all deserve the same level of dedication. I personally believe that sometimes things are so out of wack and the relationship not that important that figuring out how to leave the relationship without doing damage to the other person is where the energy should be spent. As an example, I would invest must more effort it dealing with a broken marriage than trying to retain a friendship with someone not that important in your life. More guidance on how to make those decisions and take those actions would have been appreciated by this reader.

"Who's Pushing Your Buttons" is one of the best books I've ever read on conflict resolution. This is a really useful book that helps you to take charge in very difficult situations. It is encouraging to know that your relationship with someone difficult is not completely hopeless.

Dr. John Townsend begins this book by presenting the reasons someone in your life is a button-pusher. The first chapter analyzes the problems you may be encountering or at least it explains the reasons people are button-pushers.

In a way, this book is as much about working on yourself as it is about getting another person to change. Most of the book deals with issues you can handle yourself, like getting a life vs. being obsessive about a troublesome relationship. As you work on yourself the situation can start to change. Simply by spending more time away from the problem it can get better. That is just the start of how to deal with problems. Dr. John Townsend has quite a few good solutions that involve setting boundaries and at times withdrawing from difficult people. This seemed to work well with relatives that were out of control.

Most of the advice in this book seems to work well within a marriage relationship. My husband and I take turns being each other's button pushers. He thinks I talk too much about certain subjects (I analyze a lot) and I think he talks too little about subjects important to me. So there are some topics we just have to avoid. That was something that wasn't addressed in the book - avoidance of dangerous topics that cause anger.

This book is much more in favor of taking the bull by the horns. For lasting change and a peaceful relationship sometimes you have to make difficult decisions that could cause a temporary loss of comfort. While this book doesn't advocate a total separation I think that might be useful in some relationships. The author believes there is hope for everyone but does believe you should get help if your relationship has turned violent.

So if you are in a relationship where someone is driving you crazy you might just have a button-pusher on your hands. According to this book, there is hope and you have more control over the situation than you realize. I can highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in an abusive relationship. The ideas in this book will help you with relatives, friends, work associates and marriage partners. It is great to know that you can turn any relationship around with God's help and a bit of wisdom and persistence.

I've found that reading relationship books and trying to practice unconditional love has been what keeps my marriage together. Each book I read gives me new ideas and I try to put them into practice as soon as possible. I have noticed that as I change myself and try to be a better person, my relationship with my husband and family is better. So I really agree with the author's ideas of working on yourself first so you can be a good example of how to live out the Christian life. I'm not perfect but thirteen years of marriage has made me a better person. So it is worth sticking it out during troubled times. Here are a few more items I've found to be very helpful:

Cracking the Communication Code: The Secret to Speaking Your Mate's Language
How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
The New Physics of Love: The Power of Mind & Spirit in Relationships (Six Cassettes and Study Guide Box Set)
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex

~The Rebecca Review

This is a great practical advice book! Easy to read. I highlighted a number of parts and have already passed it on to a family member.

THIS BOOK IS A MUST READ. MY LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH EASIER WITH THOSE DIFFICULT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE HAD I KNOWN THE SIMPLE IDEAS AND COMMUNICATION SRATAGIES FOUND IN THIS BOOK.

... I would have bought a copy of the new testament. Certainly one can glean helpful advice from any religion, but what I was seeking was NOT religious insight. It would have been nice to know that this was a faith-based (Christian) self help book; I would have saved myself time and money better spent elsewhere.

I purchased this book on the basis of a radio interview with the author which I heard. The book was interesting but not as useful as I had hoped. It has an element of inflexibility that weakens it.

While I find this a pretty good book, and appreciate the approach the author takes, I really was a bit unnerved by the constant quoting of scripture and references to Jesus. If you do not belive in Jesus, or sin or heaven/hell and...I was really put off by suggesting that one reason your button pusher does what he does may be due, in part, to demonic forces.

I wish that I had known the strong Christian slant of this book before I purchased it. I am not Christian, and I am not comfortable with the constant bible thumping. But there are some sound ideas and suggestions.

I had to...as the saying goes, "Take what I want and leave the rest." Some might not be a great match for this book base on what I found.