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Why Christian Kids Rebel: Trading Heartache for Hope

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Every once in a while, a book comes along that draws you in, keeps you turning its pages, hits you in the heart and kicks you in the butt with so many good points that deeply convict you that you want to put it down because you can't take it anymore. But because its message is so compelling you keep reading, realizing it is virtually impossible to absorb it all. Which means that once you turn the last page, you're forced to start reading it again. Immediately.

Dr. Tim Kimmel's latest work, WHY CHRISTIAN KIDS REBEL: Trading Heartache for Hope, is such a book. Its title is a bit misleading. A better title, I think, would have been REBELLION PREVENTION 101. Quite simply, Kimmel's book is not about kids' rebellion --- though he addresses it --- but rather about the condition of a parent's heart. And if you're a parent --- a Christian parent --- I have to warn you, his words make for some very uncomfortable reading at times. Very uncomfortable.

Before you stop reading the rest of this review, give me one more moment of your time. It's important. If you're a parent trying to raise a child in a Christian home and you would like to see them carry on in the faith as they grow and start their own families, then YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK.

Statistics bear out that nearly 90 percent of evangelical children leave the church after high school --- and many never return. Why is that? What happens? Where do we go wrong?

Kimmel holds the church and the adults sitting in its pews accountable for not meeting the needs of the children God has entrusted to their care. But what makes his style so remarkable is that he is not harsh or accusatory. I read this book with several "filters" working at once. As a journalist, I read it critically to make sure it flowed and was logically sound. It did. I also read it as a Christian, making sure it was theologically sound. It was. And I also read it as a Christian mother of four boys, trying to raise them not to rebel against me, my husband, or God, the way that I rebelled against my parents and God.

I was brought up in a fundamentalist home and was made to attend a fundamentalist college. Being "Christian" was who we were and what we did. I walked away from both as soon as I could and didn't look back until my first son was born. His sweet face and my newly repentant heart required me to start looking critically at my upbringing --- taking the good, and leaving the arbitrary legalism behind, making many mistakes in the process.

Kimmel lays out the mistakes that we Christian parents make, such as treating our faith as a hobby. And, like other hobbies of ours that do not interest our children, they choose not to pursue it. Kimmel writes: "That's how kids in Christian homes sometimes respond to their parents' faith. Since to them it's like a spiritual hobby for their parents, their interest in it might be more temporary than permanent. The good news is that although Christianity can be treated like a hobby, an authentic relationship with Christ can't."

And just when you think you can't be anymore convicted, he turns it up a notch. In chapter eight, Kimmel addresses "Cocoon Christianity" as follows: "They construct a handy and holy haven designed to accommodate their children's vulnerabilities indefinitely. It's a strategy that formats their childhood so deeply that it often becomes the defining attitude of their adulthood... (Parents) are convinced that if the world system can get to their children, it would certainly get a hold of their hearts. It would either conscript them into its army of sin, force them to work in its factories of shame, or simply destroy them. So parents hide their children in safe evangelical enclaves."

Only thing is, Kimmel says, is that when our children come out of our cocoon, they are "not prepared to handle what's waiting for them."

Kimmel also describes the four styles of parenting: "Clueless," "EMT," "Special Forces" and "Grace-Based," as well as the various forms of "Christianity," taking time to describe the effects each has on the family unit in general and the child in particular. I guarantee that you will recognize yourself in one of them. Kimmel also makes it clear that even though there are things parents can do to minimize the possibility that their children will be inclined toward rebellion, it is still likely that there will be kids who are raised "well" who will choose to go their own way, no matter what.

Reading his words will break your heart and humble you because Kimmel refuses to call sin by any other name. This is how he concludes: "If you are not interested in utilizing God's grace when it comes to dealing with your errant child, not to mention dealing with yourself, there is little help I (or anybody else) can offer you."

Yet throughout this book, Kimmel's writing is filled with hope and flawless logic; you can't help but be inspired to change course and readjust. If you're a Christian parent, then YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK. The future of your child's faith depends on it.

--- Reviewed by Diana Keough

Having read this book (unlike another reviewer), I found it to be convicting to me as a Christian parent as well as inspiring. He gives the 8 reasons that kids rebel and does talk about rebellion but a large part of his focus is on the Christian parent. His 5 chapters on flawed Christianity (Compulsory Christianity, Cliche Christianity, Comfortable Christianity, Cocoon Christianity, and Compromised Christianity) will help each parent evaluate their own Christian life and hopefully spur them to want to live as God would want us to which will in turn inspire our children to do the same. He also gives great helps for reaching out to a rebellious child.
I like a quote by Mini Louise Haskin that he ends his chapter on Cocoon Christianity with: "I said to the man at the gate of the year, "Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown." And he replied, "Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than the known way."
This book is great for all Christian parents, those whose kids are in active rebellion and those who are not. For those parents whose children are not in rebellion currently, this book really gives you insight in how to handle rebellion when children do (which as he states in this book may need to be part of their spiritual pilgrimage) His focus is on raising spiritually strong kids, not spiritually safe kids.
I highly recommed this book to all Christian parents.

Dr. Kimmel's book helped me understand a great deal of my own teenage rebellion years ago. I know that I am ultimately responsible. However, it comforted me to know why I was frustrated as a teenager and why I rebelled against my Christian faith for several years.

This book covers the different styles of parenting that breeds rebellion. It is a great read for students, adults, parents, and parents who no longer have children living at home.

I taught through this book in a parenting class. It proved to be very helpful to them. Some parents shied away from it because of the title. They didn't believe their kids were rebellious or ever would be. As Dr. Kimmel will state in his book, not every child rebels the same way. Their rebellion may come later when they are out of your house.

This book is for everyone. Even for those parents who believe themselves to be the model parents who do not need a lesson on biblical parenting.

If you are a Christian... I believe the real issue is not clothes, hairstyle, piercings, etc. The real issue is Christ-likeness, holiness, being aliens and strangers in our modern day Babylon. Every Christians should understand this.

Of course, if the parents are dressing like the world, acting like the world, and are not modeling Christ in every way... the rebellion lurking in the child's heart may be a learned thing. Most of the time... this is the case. Although, you will occasionally have children who rebel despite their parents loving guidance.

All mankind is born rebellious. Man ultimately wants to do his own thing. This is not just a problem for teenagers, but for adults too. Every child should be given the opportunity to choose their own way when they reach a certain age. If the parent is confident in the way they have raised their child, they will have no problem releasing them to make their own decisions when they reach the time to leave the nest.

I have seen two extremes among parents: 1. Some let their children do whatever they want. 2. Some do not allow them to make any decisions at all. These children do not have the true love of God modeled to them. They have parents who parent by worldly wisdom. If you're not willing to let your child choose his own way at the end of high school (and possibly sooner) then you haven't done a very good job of parenting.

I highly recommend Dr. Kimmel's book. Honestly, if you are a worldly person... this book will not be of much help to you. However, if you are a Christian and are concerned about biblical parenting or you were a rebellious teenager years ago... this book is for you!

This is not about tattoos and rock and roll and controlling your child (like others have assumed), but about what you can do as a parent to help your child not turn away from the Christian faith they have been raised in (rebel). It might surprise you that Dr. Kimmel actually encourages you to allow your child to experience the world and not be sheltered by a "Christian everything" community. He talks about the importance of your child's faith being their own, and not a "hobby" they are a part of because the parent has a strong faith. He points out decisions that many Christian parents make, which actually backfire. Being a child who rebelled, he is right on the mark. It has helped me (now as a parent) as I can identify mistakes from my youth that I do not want to repeat with my children. I strongly recommend this for every parent who wants to encourage their child's spiritual growth and not hinder it.

As a Christian parent I often feel intimidated by the task of passing my faith on to my children. I picked up this book from our church book table and am so glad that I did.

It was not so much about rebellion, as about how to raise your children to NOT see rebellion as an attractive option. What a weight was lifted off my shoulders as for the first time i really caught a vision of what path to follow to help my children grow up knowing and loving Christ.

The book has a message of truth and hope - not condemnation - though the author has strong things to say about what environments tend to breed rebellion. I highly recommend this book along with Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.

Obviously, those who rated this book low, based on their comments, did not read the book.

This book has very, very, very few words about how to "raise" our children.

It will, however, cause the parent reader some uncomfortable moments as Dr. Kimmel shatters the standard American Christian ideas of "requirements" for raising Spiritual Children.

Dr. Kimmel will focus you on your own spiritual walk. What are you showing your children about what you believe real faith is by the way you live. He will allow you to see that how you live out your faith in your daily lives impacts how your children grow in their faith.

As a child raised in a strict religious environment, this book provided me a good framework for really understanding why I turned as far away as possible from "religion."

This book is a keeper - something to be reviewed at least annually as a spot-check on how am I walking in my faith - and to remind me that there are 4 little eyes watching how I live and what they see will impact them much more than what they hear at church or school.

One warning for those Christians who believe that by shielding your children from worldly influences you are benefitting them more than those who send their kids to public school, or allow their kids to read Harry Potter or go to movies, etc - this book might offend you. Give it a chance - get all the way through it and evaluate it with an open, prayerful heart. Ask the Lord if there is any truth He would like you to think about? Perhaps for your family, your choices are the right ones, but Dr. Kimmel definitely presents another way of looking at things.

I find it interesting that the 3 negative reviewers of this book are not interested in having children maintain their Christian principles. I'd venture to guess that none of them read the book either.

I don't have teenagers yet, but will in a couple years. I found the book very well written and insightful. Dr. Kimmel ventured into the different sides of rebellion, and how many times its the kids from super conservative families, who just learn to abide by the rules, that end up rebelling. Its about relationships, and ultimately about a child's relationship with Jesus that make the difference. I thought he did a good job of summarizing the possible "why's" of Christian kids rebelling.

I picked up this book looking for answers as to why my teen was walking away from her faith and what to do about it. This book offers some fresh insights as to why some kids do rebel when we have done everything possible to prevent it and that is exactly where the problem may be. It offers hope and humor and has ministered to us in more ways than we can say. This book will also help you look at your own faith as a Christian and ask some hard questions including what makes your faith passionate to you and would make your kids want to take it on as their own. We have evaluated this as a family and now are looking for ways we can serve and minister to others in need, not just living selfishly and in our own little bubble. Thank you so much Dr.Kimmel for the comfort your book has been to us and to our church body!!!!!!!

Thank you Tim Kimmel for your courage and for loving these kids!

As a fellow Christian counselor I share your love and dedication. This book tells the story that all Christian parents need to hear: parent from the perspective of balancing truth and grace and as Dr. Henry Cloud would add...give it time (patience); always leading with grace and avoiding the temptation of fear, "Do not be afraid".

Equally important is Dr. Kimmel's emphasis on the strong need for parents to take a long look at themselves and watch for their reflection in the eyes and hearts of your children. Growth is intended to be reciprocal, opportunities are plentiful for both you and your adolescent to draw closer to God and to each other.

Other strongly recommended associated reads: "Parenting from the Inside Out" Daniel Siegel, MD. and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., "Grace Based Parenting" Dr. Tim Kimmel, "Extreme Pursuit", John Davis, M.A.

A must read to all christian parents. I love all the books from this author.