Customer Reviews

Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date

5 star:		(37)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(9)

 

 

Rachel Greenwald's latest, "Why He Didn't Call You Back", is the book that could have been written by any number of men, but wasn't. What she learned after meticulously interviewing 1000 guys on "exit interviews" is the very information that can change women's lives on a dime. It's the stuff that guys talk about with each other about why they REALLY don't feel a connection - and a lot of it is hard to hear. As they say, the truth hurts - especially when some of it seems unfair and hypocritical.

But as the author of "Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad" and as a dating coach whose primary clients are smart, successful single women from 30-65, I can tell you that every single thing in Greenwald's book is a potential teaching tool. These are the same issues I hear from my amazing women clients day in and day out. Men don't respond to bossy women, gold-diggers, downers, desperation, high-maintenance, or women who are all about themselves - their jobs, their friends, their accomplishments. Yes, they want attractive, but they also want want intelligence, kindness, fun, and nurturing.

This isn't really news. You may think this only applies to other women that you know. It does not. In fact, the big statistical take-away I got from this book is that 78 percent of women surveyed believed that a man hadn't called her back for reasons beyond her control - "chemistry", "he's just not that into me", "he's intimidated by me". The truth is, 85% of men felt the exact opposite - that there were very specific things that women did which created a negative impression that men couldn't look past.

While this can easily arouse indignation, Greenwald encourages you to recognize that you probably the same thing when you're on dates with men. Dissecting the way what he wore, where he took you, how he reached for the check, how he talked about his ex or his job or his family. So why isn't there a book called "Why She Didn't Call You Back"?

Because, like I wrote in "Why You're Still Single", men wouldn't actually read it. 90% of the self-help market is for women and since neither you or me or Greenwald can change men, all we can do is create self-awareness by laying out, once and for all, what men REALLY think.

And while a lot of it isn't pretty, Greenwald doesn't just tell you what you're doing wrong, but gives subtle course-correction hints on how to get it right. She truly cares about women and doesn't demonize them in this book. All she does is shed light on the dark corners of the male mind so that you can either adjust (or not adjust) accordingly.

The other real eye-opener is what she suggests to women in the future. Exit interviews. In other words, it's impossible to get present to the unintentional signals you're giving off if you never hear what they are. Imagine if MEN did this - if they actually asked for specific feedback on how they could improve on their dates and what they did to turn you off. Imagine how shocking it would be - and how it might impact their efforts on their next date.

Unfortunately, in real life, we don't have this feedback loop. He doesn't call, you wonder why, you move on with little clarity. Greenwald suggests asking him for an Exit Interview after the fact - a slightly embarrassing but greatly empowering tool for your self-growth. She even suggests that you could ask friends or hire dating coaches to handle this delicate process for you. The point is to do SOMETHING instead of burying your head in the sand and lamenting what's wrong with men. There's PLENTY wrong with men - but you can't change them. You can only change yourself.

To sum up, if knowledge is power, "Why He Didn't Call You Back" is one powerful book. As a dating coach for smart, successful, single women, I couldn't give a more enthusiastic endorsement for a very eye-opening and fast read.

In spite of its pink cover and embarrassing title, this book is serious research. I'm a PhD researcher who published a paper with similar methods in the journal _Science_, and I think her research seems even more rigorous than ours was. Greenwald and her research assistants spoke with almost 900 men and documented clear patterns in their statements about why they did not pursue specific women past an initial date. Then for marketing they emailed another 100 so they could say they got 1000. Without a doubt, then, this is a great book with fantastic information in it.

The book is all about first impressions and I think it may undersell its seriousness with its title. It's positioned itself in the category of short-lived dating books that people read secretively and give away quickly because they are ashamed to be seen with them. I understand why Greenwald is marketing the book with such a shocking title since it fits right in with _He's just not that into you_, but if this book were published with a less flashy title like "Mistaken First Impressions", people could recommend it to friends and not be ashamed to be seen reading it. That was her choice and it's not a bad choice. No one wants to admit to having read "He's just not that into you" and yet everyone knows what it's about. It's just frustrating to think how many people who could really use the book would be ashamed to be seen with it because of its title.

So many people could benefit from this book and there is no way on earth anyone could give or "lend" or recommend this book to a friend without insulting them. As it was I checked this book out of the library and when I picked it up, the librarian gave me this absolutely pitying look as if to say "I'm so sorry you suck at dating."

When I first picked up Have Him at Hello, I rolled my eyes. Yeah, right, someone is going to tell me how to act like an airhead. But, Greenwald's book is based on real research - research that a psychologist (like me) might conduct. The sample is large enough (1000 men) and old enough, mostly 30 - 48, to assuage any concerns that the men she spoke with were atypical. These men gave the obvious, courteous answers to her initial questions but when pushed went deeper into their real reasons for losing interest in attractive, personable, catch after a promising first date.

Greenwald's main point is that on a first date, like on a job interview, first impressions count. If you make a bad first impression, there may not be time for someone to see beneeth the surface, so it's really important to carefully consider what you reveal and how quickly you move. Her second point is that, many men (no, not all) are more likely to want to see you again if you maintain some intrigue - remember Dangerous Liaisons, one fo the sexiest period pieces ever? This doesn't mean being "fake" or playing games, but it also doesn't mean wearing your heart on your sleeve or coming in with a checklist of questions to get through before you finish your appetizer. Didn't your mother always tell you to listen more than you talk? The men who were interviewed for this book can tell the difference. For anyone who has been dating for a while, getting lots of first dates but very few second or third ones, read this book with an open mind and think about how it really is speaking to you. Remember, if you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got! This is one feminist who thinks I may have a thing or two to learn about how to put my ego aside and focus on my goal: meeting the man of my dreams this year!

Your initial gut reaction will be to hate this book. I was p*ssed off. Then depressed, angry, disheartened. But after I gave it a few days to sink in I feel almost liberated. I sit and re-read it before bed every night. Her tips work and that's what makes it so empowering.

In a nut-shell: Men are paranoid from the kind women they have dated in the past and LIVE in FEAR of a repeat. Are you Bossy? Too Independent? Gold Digger? Baby hungry? He's locked you into his radar and is actively screening for these traits.

He can quickly lump you into an unflattering female stereotype for the most trifling and ridiculous of reasons. Once he gets a whiff of what "type" of women he thinks you are he will soon find other evidence to back up his original theory. Whether this accurately reflects your true personality or not he won't stick around long enough to find out.

Let me stress that this author does NOT tell you to "Pretend to be someone you're not." That is simply not true. In fact, you're much too late for that, because men already think you are someone you're not. The point is to guide them carefully around these negative female stereotypes so they can see the "real" you.

Example One:
One woman was deemed the "Boss Lady" because, when he forgot his umbrella, she lent him hers adding "Oh, don't open it here just wait till we get downstairs." The man's reaction was "She's already telling me what to do and when to do it!" (Not the more reasonable "How nice of her to lend me an umbrella" or "She's so well prepared.") He searched for more proof that she was a Boss Lady. Heck, if you look for ANYTHING hard enough you will find it. Sure enough after dinner she asked him to be careful not to break the wine glasses while loading them into the dishwasher. There you go. He was convinced she wanted to utterly dominate him and crush his testicles with her high heeled shoe. "I don't need that for the next 40 years" he concluded!

Example Two:
One woman was deemed out to trap him into unwanted marriage and fatherhood. On the day he asked for the date she had already committed to babysitting her nephew. He decided to meet her anyway at a park. (His decision!) He mentioned that he needed to buy some stamps. On their next date she thoughtfully pulled out six stamps. She had remembered he needed some. How sweet of her, right? WRONG. Baby sitting AND stamps? "Woah Lady! Cancel your subscription to Bride Magazine" he was quoted as saying!

Men are still single because they are nuts.

Be mindful, whatever dramatic things he says to you, leading you to believe you have a special connection, if you say those kinds of things back to him he will label you as crazy and disappear. He'll think you're like that astronaut, and you're going to drive across the country in a diaper. Yes, it's unfair but that's how it is.

The author got the wool pulled over her eyes a bit, when one of the men interviewed forwarded her a romantic email from a woman he dated. It was the reason he dumped her. Hm. Very few adult women would send a man an unsolicited romantic email. Had the author only asked, this woman may have been able to provide her with similar romantic emails she received from the guy first. But she didn't, and so only published the his side of the story.

99.9% of all other dating books out there like Why Men Love Bitches and The Rules, can be boiled down to "Don't be needy and smother the man with calls and attention- or you'll drive him away." Very true. But this was NEVER my problem. I suspect many, if not most of us women possess the common sense and the dignity NOT to throw ourselves at a man.

So, if you aren't chasing men down the street or doing any of these obviously "wrong" things, if you're an attractive and social woman who has many men asking for your phone number and for dates- but these dates don't get very far, you may find yourself frozen at a stand still. This is the book you need. How is a woman supposed to show her warm, affectionate and caring side to a man without scaring him away?

STRESS THAT YOU ARE CARE TAKING. Tell stories that involve you caring for children and animals. But take care to say you "Aren't in a hurry to have kids." Make sure you say it or he will automatically assume otherwise!

Be KIND, THOUGHTFUL, and CONSIDERATE of others. And by that I mean OTHERS. As in NOT HIM. Anything you do for him personally he will see it as a "bribe" and it will give him undo cause for suspicion. Show him or tell him stories about how you are nice to other people and are a good person who tries to help others in small ways.

Really, the book could have focused more on this one small section. She shows us the specific things that happen on dates that cause men to categorize us in an unflattering way. And that was wonderfully eye-opening. Now perhaps she can come out with another book- a list of categories men ARE looking for and the small things women say and do on dates that cause men to think "Oh, she fits this type that I DO want."

One thing that the author should change is that she constantly references New York literally every third page. The whole book it was "New York, Manhattan, Park Avenue, East Coast." It really makes you feel like this book isn't for you if you aren't a New Yorker. This could be off putting for mid-western readers.

I've just gotten back into the dating game after a 4 year hiatus, so I felt like I needed some information to help get me started. This book was really informative and I found myself relating to a few of the personality profiles Greenwald uses in the book - The Ex Factor, The Boss Lady, and unfortunately The Closer. YIKES! It's no wonder I've had so many failed dates!

I read this book and then put it into practice with a guy I'd met online and went out with for the first time last week. Upon first seeing him, instantly I knew I wasn't going to feel a love connection, but I thought, heck, this is good practice for someone I would like to see again, so I put what I read into action.

I didn't lead him on, I haven't said anything about catching up again, calling him again, or "see you soon." But, I did tell him thank you for dinner and that I'd had a nice night.

Not only has he called, but he's texted me, and emailed me to ask me out again on two different occasions. Hmmmm..... maybe this book works a little too well!!

as a single, successful, in-shape, good looking (i know this sounds conceited but just stay with me here...) 38-year old woman based in los angeles, i have been on countless, countless dates i tell you! i've been on every dating website - match, eharmony, chemisty, etc. - been set up by friends - had blind dates - gone on "just go for it dates" (one of them being a 51-year old australian millionaire who i met at katsuya and still went out with him despite the geographic logistics not being in my favor...) - and for the life of me could not figure out why i haven't found "the one" yet. granted, it just not be my time yet - but reading this book gave me so much insight as to why in the dating world we currently exist in - first impressions are ridiculously important. i actually call myself the "one date wonder" because i've been on so many first dates... but, not a lot of second dates (read: charming enough to get that first date. not charming enough to make it to the finish line.) turns out, i'm a "bitch in boots"/"sadie hawkins" dater! Yup, the label hurts - but no pain, no gain, right? i was dying for some insight as to why some guys that i really clicked with never called. or, why the guys i had no interest in did! this book can definitely help you do some detective work into your own dating patterns and behaviors - and gives some great ideas/ tools to try for the future so you can make a great first impression - and keep the ball IN your court (and leave little to chance).
i have no idea why anyone would give this book a bad review. i found the information fascinating and invaluable. buy it. it's the best dating book i've ever read (and trust me, you don't want to have purchased the number of dating books i have...

I've been a dating sista' for a long while now and I have to admit I've read a bunch of dating books, but this was one of the most helpful. Steve Harvey is so funny (and cute!) and he's right about raising my standards, but he doesn't say how to really find my man.

This was very helpful because of all the quotes from real guys...you could just hear them thinking these things in their minds on their dates. Turns out I'm a classic "One Way Street" by the way. I could recognize myself perfectly...and I thought this author's advice was dead on. This book had a real effect on me. (By the way, my cousin works in magazine publishing and got me an advanced reading copy last week, so this comment is based on that).

Wish me luck in that big, bad dating world!

I was very excited to read this book, so when it arrived I sat down immediately to find out why the last guy I went out with and liked didn't call back. I never figured it out. I honestly think this was one of the most depressing books I have ever read because there's no answer. I walked away feeling like you just can't win.

I give Ms. Greenwald props for putting in the time and effort to do these interviews, and finding out what scared off/turned off these men, but what I got from her results was extremely conflicting. Unless you know what archetype would turn him off before you go out with him, there's no way to know! One of the women didn't pay enough attention to a dog, and wasn't nurturing enough. Another woman paid too much attention to a dog and was considered baby hungry! And we're not talking about weird reactions to said dog--just not what the guy wanted.

Basically--this was a complete waste of my time and money, not to mention the time I'm going to put into getting myself out of the depressive, bitter mood that it put me in. There have got to be a few good ones left, right? Because after the last few months of my dating life, and then reading this book, I'm not convinced.

OK, simply stated, this book sucks! I learned nothing except for the fact that men are insane! If you're successful, you are undateable. If you're unemployed, you're undateable. If you like dogs too much, you're considered baby hungry and are therefore undateable. If you don't like dogs at all, you are considered cold and heartless and are undateable. According to this book, it's preferred that you just be mediocre at everything. Don't beat him at games or sports. Don't talk about the fact that you have a college education. It's funny, but throughout the book, the author keeps telling you that you absolutely should not pretend to be someone you're not. But yet that's what she preaches all the way through. She's telling us single women that all of our first reactions and initial responses are wrong. She says that we shouldn't show a man who we really are until later on, after we've had several dates. Isn't that trickery? That's sort of entrapment if you ask me. You're trying to convince this man that you're worth taking out on a second date, but by being someone that you're not. Why would you want a second date with someone if he doesn't know who you really are? I'm not saying that you need to spill your entire history on the first date, and most of your stories and your past SHOULD be kept to yourself initially. But if some guy really cares how much attention you pay to a dog, is he really worth dating again?? Another thing about this book that completely pissed me off is that she states in the book that if you tell a man you were cheated on, you're not dateable, because he will automatically think, "wow. I wonder what she did that made him cheat on her." Give me a break! When is it the fault of the cheat-ee vs. the fault of the cheater? Why wouldn't a man think, "Wow. This woman is smart, beautiful, and all around amazing. I wonder what was wrong with that guy that he would cheat on her." If you're looking for real dating advice, you're better off looking elsewhere.

For full disclosure, I also really liked Rachel's first book, the Find A Husband After 35 one. In this book, she again speaks logically, and it's well written but with some sass. I guess compared to other dating books that are mostly fluff, with this one and her last one, you can "get it" by understanding the logic that's behind the recommendations. Frankly, even if you don't think you'll get much help from it, it's so much fun to listen in on what guys are really thinking.

I admit that I ask my girlfriends all the time about why some jerk didn't call me back...and it's so annoying not to know why. This book really helps you figure that out. Again, I would recommend it if you're an active dater. The main point is to learn from this research into guy's thoughts and actions so you can realize how guys perceive little innocent things you say and then get more second dates where you can really get to know each other beyond the superficial stuff. Very helpful.