Customer Reviews

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

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This book is by far the best I've read on angry and controlling men, and how to deal with them. Controlling and abusive behavior can be quite confusing as well as infuriating, as abusers tend to use a large repertoire of manipulative tactics such as lying, projection, blackmail, denying being angry, and putting on a "Mr. Wonderful" act to the outside world, etc. "Why Does He Do That" is exceptionally well written, carefully explaining among other things: nine types of abusers; tactics abusive men use to manipulate their partners; early warning signs of abusive relationships; myths about abusers (such as the one that alcohol consumption causes abuse); the legal system and mental health professionals; the effect of abuse on boys and girls; how some families and certain aspects of society grooms boys to be future abusers; and how to help abused women. Bancroft even describes what to look for in men's groups for abusers and how to tell if the abuser is changing for real or is just pretending to change.

Prior to writing this book, Lundy Bancroft had been in the trenches for 15 years as a counselor in an abusive men's program. As a seasoned veteran of dealing with manipulative abusive individuals, Bancroft does an outstanding job of alerting the reader to their tactics and debunking common B.S. claims they make. His stories about his clients and the clients of colleagues are fascinating and provide poignant lessons for the reader. One woman had been in couple's counseling for 6 months with her husband and finally revealed that he was abusing her. Appearing on the verge of tears, the husband told the therapist that he had been in denial about his violence and hadn't been facing how badly it was hurting his wife. On the way home from the session, the husband kept one hand on the steering wheel and in the other clutched a large handful of his wife's hair, repeatedly slamming her into the dashboard as he gave her a screaming, expletive-filled lecture for revealing the abuse to someone outside the family. Bancroft strongly recommends against couples counseling for abusers and any program which recommends that the abused individual unilaterally changes her behavior in hopes he'll change too. This type of therapy doesn't work and can even be counterproductive for reasons Bancroft explains in detail, and the abuser often ends up charming the therapist who may end up siding with the abuser. Besides, abusers often are fairly well versed in anger management skills and conflict resolution. They simply don't respect their partner enough to bother using these skills.

Other books are often good at describing abusive behavior, but this book describes not only what they do, but why they do it and how these men think. When Dr. Phil sees an undesirable behavior, he asks, "What's the payoff?" I.e. what rewards is the perpetrator reaping from behaving this way? Unlike the other books I've read on abuse, Bancroft thoroughly explains what these abusers are getting from the behavior. Unfortunately, the rewards are so powerful, that many abusers refuse to do the hard work of changing their attitudes and behavior. Another important reason the behaviors are so entrenched, Bancroft points out, is that is that abusive men were often conditioned from an early age to feel entitled to be a privileged character in relationships where the partner caters to them. The abuser's high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, as well as double standards. One common double standard is that only the abuser is allowed to express anger in the relationship, but not his partner.

This book provides good news and bad: The good news is that abusive behavior is understood like never before and is a solvable problem. The bad news is that it generally requires a serious commitment by the abuser to go through every step of a quality program for abusers. Even for abusers who enroll in a such a program, only a small percentage bother to do every step of the difficult, uncomfortable work of change. If your abuser doesn't think he has a problem, his prognosis for change is ZERO.

A couple small quibbles, but these in no way detract from the book: (1) I'd like to see more writing devoted to the tactics of passive-aggressive abuse. Bancroft mentions that it's common for men in his program, once they realize abuse will no longer be tolerated in their home, to switch tactics from overt abuse to passive-aggressive. But beyond that, he doesn't cover it much. (2) Bancroft mentions other professionals in the abuse field whose work he admires, and also some things in the literature he disagrees with. I would have preferred it if he named the authors and books he disagrees with.

I can't recommend this book highly enough, particularly to individuals who are or suspect they are in an abusive relationship and the individuals who care about them, women with have a history of abusive relationships who want to break the pattern, mental health and legal professionals who deal with abuse, and parents of sons who don't want them indoctrinated by the media, family and friends to be abusers themselves.

P.S. Thank you Lundy Bandcroft for writing this book. You've done humanity a great service.

Lundy Bancroft has captured within this book the heart of one of the biggest problems being involved with abusive and controlling men - the constant and neverending struggle to understand why he can be so cruel when he swears he loves so much. It is at times a very painful read, especially when Mr. Bancroft tackles all the myths women have relied upon to rationalize and somehow justify or downplay the abuse. He has de-mystified these types of men and has explained the source of their actions and mindset with a clarity that can be as frightening as it is freeing. You will not find one excuse you've ever used to justify an abusive partner's treatment that isn't addressed in this book and shown for what it truly is. If you are, or even think you might be in an abusive relationship, or trying to recover from one, this book is an absolute must read. In fact, I would even recommend getting it in hardback; it will become your bible of liberation from the crazymaking created from being involved with an angry and controlling man.

When most women ask "why does he do that," they are searching for an answer that will help them to make an abusive relationship better. This book makes it very clear that the answer to the question has nothing to do with the abusive man's partner, and everything to do with a sick and destructive need for complete control over another human being.

I have read a number of books about abuse and control, and many of them are very good at deconstructing the dynamic between a controller and his victim. The difference for me is that many of those books have been by women who treat victims. This is a book by a man who has worked with batterers. I am not disparaging the work of women (and men) who work with victims--I was once one of them. What I am saying is that, as I read this, I felt a deep sense of validation, that the "other side" of the story, which many books get at through stories with victims, isn't something imagined or theorized. Controllers do know what they are doing. They understand that it hurts. They don't want to change. And I and other victims cannot change them. An outline of the specifics of abusive and controlling men makes it very clear that the "circle of influence" for women does not extend to the abuser. It may sound cliche to say you must save yourself, but after reading the many facets of abuse and the way they surface, a victim will understand will great clarity that her precious energy must be used to care for herself and her children. And pulling back that energy, for me, has been a critical step in surviving.

And for going through the family court system, if that is what a woman chooses to do. The other unique and invaluable aspect of this book is the way in which it pinpoints how the family court system--law enforcement, judges, lawywers, GALs--can and often does revisit the trauma of abuse on the victim by becoming triangulated with the offender. A woman who thinks she will find accountability in the family court system may be in for a big surprise. This book can prepare a woman for the reality of the process and help her anticipate what tactics her abuser may engage in. It is daunting, but had I had this book several years ago, my own experience might have been different.

This book is easy to read but I have underlining and notes on every page. Even after the fact it has helped me to understand my own situation better, and to give me hope for the life I can give my child. I recommend it strongly.

I wondered "why do I CARE why he does it? It's wrong and I deserve better!" But even though my inner voice told me that, I could never really pinpoint the exact ways my husband mistreated me. He was a good man, and he truly believed he had the right to verbally beat me down the way he did. And I thought maybe he was right. He was more educated than I am, he made more money, his family had money. This book helped me give it a name, showed me that I'm not crazy and indeed have rights. It showed, with clear illustrations about other abusive men, that there are a myriad of tactics they use and anger is not their main issue. Control and being the authority on all subjects is their main objective. Being the one in charge, being the one to look good and feel good is their main goal. All the things he said to me to discredit me, to twist counseling around to fit his picture of what was "really" happening, how everything was perfect between us until I just ripped the rug out from under him and left for no reason... these are all CLASSIC tactics of an abuser, both during the relationship and after she leaves.
My counselor recommended it and finally, after lots of procrastination, I finally got it. And it makes me realize how strong I was to leave, and how lucky I was to get away. The emotional/psychological games, how I had to keep my opinions hidden and my feelings a secret just to be the fantasy girl he insisted that I be, the way he would just disregard my opinion about this and still does... it can make a girl feel so isolated, so bad about herself, and deep down...crazy! But this book showed me that not only am I NOT crazy, but that being imperfect is no reason to allow someone to do that to me. We're all imperfect, but we still all deserve better than this.
Unfortunately, I hoped that abusive men had some hope of changing. But this author has been counseling abusive men exclusively for over 15 years, and it's rare that a man actually faces what he's done. He gets way too many pay-offs for being this way. He gets the luxury of being king, of always being right, of his richeous indignation, of his anger and ability to express it whenever he wants, and a woman who will bend to his will if he yells loud enough or puts her down long enough. It's sad to know my husband won't change and I won't be able to have my family dream the way I thought I would when I said "I do". But at least I know I'm not alone... and no way on earth will I ever believe I"m crazy again. Unless I let it keep happening.

Follow-up Feb. 20, 2009: I just wanted to add that I've recently married an incredibly wonderful man. Even disagreeing with him is so EASY compared to what I suffered with my first husband. I'm learning for the first time in my life what a truly healthy relationship feels like. I would have NEVER found this paradise if I had stayed in my abusive marriage. It's so strange the hold these men have over us! I still dream about my ex husband all the time, but sometimes my new husband is there and he's kicking his butt. LOL Seriously, ladies... if you experience abuse, let me tell you that it has to stop. There is no excuse for the pain you are feeling, and it's NOT your fault. Of course, we are all imperfect and you're allowed to be imperfect, too. You don't deserve to be beaten down in any way. There is a bright light on the other side. Just walk toward it even though every inch of you is telling you to stay, that you "love" him, that you want to "help" him, etc. It's not worth it. But your future IS worth it.

I can't say enough about this book. It saved my sanity, and turned on lights in my head about what was going on with my fiancee that made me desperately confused and miserable but that I couldn't quite grasp. As Bancroft explains, this is largely because the abuser makes you question everything you think, feel, say or perceive. And the abuse nearly always, takes place in private, rarely if at all in front of others.

I found "Why does he do that?" by accident while searching Amazon for another on abusive relationships, Patricia Evan's The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which a friend who had left an abusive marriage recommended to me. Evan's book is good, Bancroft's is great and even more authoritative for two reasons: 1) he has worked with abusive men, not as part of couples therapy, for years; 2) he is male, and most other books on abuse are written by women. This is important, because few people, including therapists, understand emotional and psychological abuse, and like I did before having it happen to me, tend to think claiming "abuse" may be exaggerated because it's a woman's gender perspective.

The book is strong stuff, though. It blows away many myths about abuse, such as abuse is caused by an abusive childhood. It is not. And that couples therapy, where the abuser and partner take 50/50 ownership of the problem, is good and helpful. Absolutely wrong. These and other myth-busters are based on solid research and data.

If you've been in an abusive relationship without really seeing or understanding the dynamics, it's shocking to learn the abuser's motives, consciousness of what he is doing while denying everything, and determination to win at your expense.

The profiles of the types of abusers and their range of tactics are extremely helpful. I was bowled over to see my fiancee described perfectly in the Water Torturer and Mr. Sensitive. I learned that the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behavior that I was living with and baffled by is typical. Around you he's abusive; in public he's delightful so no one can even imagine him being anything but the nicest, most charming person.

The saying is, "the truth shall set you free," and this book is the most truthful, accurate information you can find. Knowing what's actually been going on does set you free. But it's also sad and painful. It's especially freeing, and sad, to learn that only a very small percentage of abusers change, even after going through a high quality, special program. There's just too big a payoff for them to stay the way they are. They easily move on to a new relationship with a woman who will take years figuring out what's happening to her.

I had just left my 11-year relationship when I found this book. A year before I left, I'd contacted his ex-wife of 20 years to see if she could shed some light on what was happening to me. She said she'd left the marriage for exactly the things that I was experiencing. Even then, abuse is such a loaded word, I didn't think I was truly being abused. Now, though, I know. Wish I'd had this book in hand earlier. But even after-the-fact, there is so much processing and healing from the experience that this has been a life-saver.

This book has already saved two very sweet and spiritual young ladies from bad marriages, that I personally know of. Reading ONE PAGE was enough to pique their interest. By the next morning, they had read all the scripts the SOB had used on them so far plus the ones he would use if they stayed around. Engagement off, and no looking back. I keep score of my life by such events as preventing a nice, loving young woman from becoming an abused, bitter mentally ill mom. These are treasures in Heaven as far as I am concerned and that's why I am writing this review.

Remember those few really sweet, really kind, pretty, loving girls you knew in highschool? Remember how the good looking jerks usually got them, and in their 30's they finally divorced some guy? There's a hidden kind of abuse. It's not studied much because it's not considered a mental illness. Most family type counselors are criminally ignorant of the nature and effects of it. I am a civil attorney who doesn't do divorce, but I have a lot of first and second hand experience with this hidden abuse. Example: One day a client of several years' standing came into my office - about 2 years after her husband of several decades had divorced her. She was still the same sweet, loving person, but there was both a glow and a lack of something - perhaps self doubt, perhaps other things as well. I was floored and asked her what had happened. Let's just say, the ex-wife was now secure financially. But the glow and that lack of something? That was from an intensive camp she went to for emotional abuse victims. After 20 years of twice weekly therapy, nobody had told her she was being abused, much less what to do. She finally found out what the mechanisms were, how to deal with them and how to heal; and was a new person in 2 weeks. She was sending her kids to this "camp". I knew an address book full of people who needed this and asked the cost. $20,000.00 or so. "Is there a reading list?" I glumly answered. There was, thank goodness.

Why Does He Do That was the first book on the list. I was almost in shock as I read it. The patterns of abuse (and angry and controlling women abusers use most of the same tricks) were so familiar, repetitive and sprang from such a cruel, amoral emotional base that it was stunning. The title explains the syndrome in a nutshell. Nice person links up with seemingly great guy or gal but their life evolves into a self doubting miserable self loathing Hell. Other people blame the "messed up" Nice person, but that's part of the plan. Nice person asks "Why does he do that?" when he/she is abused, because the true answer is literally inconceivable to them. That's how they were picked in the first place. Little digs which didn't get an angry response, facial expression, etc.

When something hurtful is said or done by the abuser, and questioned by the abusee, there's always an explanation or, if necessary, a tearful apology and promises of undying love, etc. But Bancroft counsels abusers for a living and what he found is that the entire relationship is a source of pleasure to them. Messing with their victims' heads, tearing down their self esteem, alienating friends and family, and even the emotional "I'm sorry scenes" are all deeply pleasurable experiences. They may spend months planning their deceptions and deliberate injuries. Cultivating a false image in the community, and driving their victims to public acts of mental illness are deeply pleasureable. They're like bush league serial killers.

My favorite example: Several of Bancroft's clients told him the same story: They had hidden their wives' keys before an important appointment. When asked if they had seen them, they said no, but they concernedly helped look for them for an hour or so. Then, when the wife was desperate, they secretly put the keys exactly where they had been and pretended to "find" them. Wife swore she had looked there and hubby, lovingly and condescendingly, consoled her for her bad memory and constant delusions, like the compassionate loving guy he was, putting up with the overemotional, mentally unbalanced crazywoman she had become. This entire process gave the abuser great pleasure. The next time wifes caught these hubbies in a lie, they simply denied saying it and cited the lost keys incident, among others, as proof the wife could not trust her own judgment, memory or beliefs. Abusers will do this FOR DECADES. They do it to kids. The kids often learn to do it.

The victims, meanwhile, cannot believe that a human being would deliberately do such things, for pleasure, so they accept stupid excuses, tearful apologies etc. because the real explanation is even more impossible for them to believe. Cognitive dissonance becomes their way of life.

And the abusers are profoundly good at making false impressions. They have just a few victims and an army of character witnesses they have cultivated. People who would bet their life the abuser was unusually kind and compassionate. They pass psychological profile tests easily, and their victims test as neurotic. The more dangerous ones cultivate friendships with cops and judges and DA types. This comes in handy from time to time. And they enjoy every aspect of it, including their own tears. This abuse pattern is so common, it's almost normal these days, yet nobody talks abut it, even in legal seminars I have been to. Yet.

I guarantee that you know someone whose life would change if they grasped he concepts in this book. And my experience is that reading just a couple of pages will "hook" you. Concerned mothers and Dads should think of reading this bok to help save their kids from decades of misery.

I am still digesting this book having finished it a week or so ago. It was unbelievably enlightening and gave me clarity in so many ways. It is also heart-breaking in that the information in this book makes it hard to face up to the fact that your husband really is abusing you. In the types of abusers section, I was dumbstruck as he perfectly described my husband - a combination of the "Mr. Sensitive" and "The Victim" abuser types. It was also liberating to read how common the abuser has a "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality. Part of my struggle has been the fact that our friends and family think my husband is the sweetest, nicest, most huggable teddy-bear of people and never see his controlling, jealous, manipulative and rageful side. This has contributed to my feelings of confusion and buying into my husband's explanations that there is nothing really wrong with his behavior, that I am overly sensitive, and can not be pleased (i.e. - it's all me). Please read this book if you suspect you are in an abusive relationship - have a feeling you are being treated badly, or just can't get clarity on what's going on in the relationship (very typical to feel this way in an abusive relationship). Thank you for this book as it both devastated me by revealing the truth and restored my sanity as it clarified my husband's behavior and tactics.

If you are looking for a book to help explain emotional abuse, THIS IS IT. This book is unique in many ways, but perhaps the most helpful to me is when he mentions that marriage counseling will not and does not deal with is the emotional abusiveness of your partner. I am not discrediting marriage counselors, just that this is a whole new ball park, and I'm sad to say, this is the only book I've come across (and I've read a lot) that gets down to the REAL reason "why he does that". Please read this book. If this problem exists for you, you will find relief in the essence: "I could never put a name to what he's doing that makes growth in our relationship impossible. NOW I can put a name to it".
It explains in detail the many "personalities" an emotional abuser may adapt. One may apply or all may apply to the person in question. The most important aspect of this book for me, was, I now have the confidence and knowledge in an area that an abuser most definately and absolutely does not want you to know about him. This is the bible of all books tackling emotional abuse. Arm yourself with the knowledge and insight you will get from reading this book. Quite a feat, Mr. Bancroft. Thank you!

For the past year, this book has been like a bible for me. After 12 years of misery and confusion with my ex, this book answered why, as the title suggests.

But what has prompted me to review this book today is that it helped me spot a controlling man and avoid getting into a relationship with him. I just broke it off with him this morning!! I am ABSOLUTELY sure that if I not had read this book (over and over again), I would not have spotted the warning signs that Bancroft provides in this book. The book has made me very sensitive to controlling behavior, and I was able to see that this guy was controlling almost immediately--after only one date and a week's worth of email. Below, I describe what happened and some of the 4 warning signs I spotted, if you're interested.

On the first, 3-hour date, he talked and talked, didn't ask me ONE question (except if I wanted to go out again), and constantly changed the topic back to him. I initially assumed he was nervous. But, one warning sign Bancroft points out in the book is that abusive men are SELF-CENTERED, and the book exactly described this guy's behavior. Plus, when I looked back at my initial email communication with him (we met online), I noticed that he wrote tons about himself, asked me only two questions, and rarely commented on what I wrote.

Then, after the first date, the guy began emailing me twice a day. He started calling me beautiful and sweetie. He did this after I told him I wanted to take things slow. (I told him this because he attempted to plan two dates on our first meeting-one at his home.) So, this guy raised another red flag pointed out in the book: HE GETS SERIOUS TOO QUICKLY ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP.

Also, the guy told me on the first date that he likes to date only one person at a time. It was like he implied that he wanted me to do the same. I was just getting to know him! He also later said he had this "weird problem with having multiple contacts with different people at the same time," and that he is "highly monogamous." Also, one day early in our email communication, he jokingly asked me whether I was checking out other guys online. Initially, this "highly monogamous" attitude may seem commendable. However, this attitude is actually another red flag pointed out by Bancroft: HE IS POSSESSIVE.

Finally, the last red flag this guy raised was that HE IS DISRESPECTFUL TOWARD ME. Three requests I made to him were not respected.

I told him I wanted to take it slow, but he started calling me beautiful and sweetie and continued emailing me twice daily.

He asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with his sister and parents--on our second date! (His sister came into town unexpectedly, on the same night he and I planned to go out, and we were invited to tag along with the family.) When I declined and gave my reason, he didn't respond with "OK." Rather, he wanted me to first re-explain my reason.

When I emailed him that I didn't want to continue with the relationship because it felt unbalanced (he appeared to like me more than I liked him), his response was "Wow! All I did is ask you out for a second date....you are killing me LOL [laugh out loud]!!!!!"

One request he ignored (taking it slow), another request he questioned (going out with his family), and my last request was not taken seriously (his "LOL!!!" response to me wanting to end the relationship).

Of course, I don't know 100% that this guy is controlling and some people may think I overreacted, but I wasn't sticking around to find out. And it is not one or two of his behaviors: It was a PATTERN of behavior.

This is literally my favorite book, and I would suggest that EVERY woman read it.

This has to be one of the better books on the subject of emotional/verbal abuse. I think this book is best read after one of the Patricia Evans books. Patricia Evan's Verbally Abusive Relationships does a slightly better job of explaining exactly what verbal abuse is, but this book goes behind why the other person does this. Lundy does a fantastic job of explaining why in the world someone wants to abuse the person they are involved with.
Now, honestly, this book is written towards the female assuming the male is the abusive partner. The book explains why women are left in the lurch, and confused by a man's actions when they are emotionally/verbally abusive. Lundy is also very honest about the chances of that man changing and how you may be able to tell he is changing. He is also frank that most men do not change.
This book will completely validate the victim's feelings and let them know what their cycle of thoughts is, and the book will help you feel validated. One of the harder aspects of being in a relationship of someone that is an verbal abuser, is that the other person tries to redefine your reality. Lundy does a terrific job of explaining what the victim's thought process might be.
He takes a very analytical view of the abuser, abuse cycle, and the mentality of the persons involved with the abuser. He gives the sides of all parties involved. He also gives the victim a good idea of how to respond, and what to expect. Honestly knowing what is going on, and being aware of the situation can be enough to help a victim to get through the situation.
I liked the throroughness of the book, and what he felt were the positions of all parties involved. He goes into debt on the mindset of all parties, and helps to explain why each person does what they do in that situation. This book can be very validating for the victim, and gives them idea of what to expect in the future. This is a must read if you are interested in the subject of verbal abuse.