Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?: A Guide to Parenting Through Divorce [Paperback]

Anthony E. Wolf Ph.D. (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 20, 1998

Definitive advice from the author of the bestselling "Get out of my life".

Divorce, argues Anthony E. Wolf, does not have to do long-term damage to a child. In his groundbreaking new book, he shows parents how to steer children through the pain and the complex feelings engendered by divorce, feelings that, if not resolved, can create continuing problems for a child. Wolf also explains how to deal with the difficult issues that so frequently accompany a divorce. How do you tell your child about the divorce? How do you keep your children from being caught between you and your ex-partner? What do you do if that other parent gradually fades out of their lives? Or, how do you maintain strong ties with your children if you are not the primary custodial parent? How do you help them cope with new living arrangements, as well as stepparents or stepsiblings?

"Why did you have to get a divorce?" is filled with stories that parents will recognize with relief. Positive, at times even funny, and, above all, effective, this guide will speak directly to divorcing and divorced parents.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Divorce does not have to inflict long-term damage on a child, writes Anthony E. Wolf in this hands-on, helpful guide for parenting through divorce. A practicing psychologist who has worked with children and adolescents for almost 30 years, Wolf is the author of the popular book Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager. Here he tackles one of the most difficult aspects of divorce--talking about it. Caught unawares in a difficult emotional state, it's often hard for parents to know what to say. How do you break the news to your kids? How should you communicate, and what kind of reactions can you expect? And then what?

Through sample conversations, Wolf presents strategies for opening communication, keeping children out of the middle, and dealing with both the day-to-day complications and long-term effects of divorce. Wolf is taking a presumptive risk in scripting family encounters, but because he gives so many examples and because the advice is sensible, compassionate, and well-explained, he never seems didactic. Wolf's advice covers everything from helping your kids figure out what to tell their friends about the divorce to what to say when your ex-spouse is uncooperative. He is a strong proponent of "quality time" (and his example of a two-minute "quality time" conversation is stunning in its simplicity and effectiveness). While every situation and conversation may not match your own, most divorced or divorcing parents will learn a great deal. --Ericka Lutz

From Publishers Weekly

Every parent going through divorce should have a copy of this book to refer to often. Wolf, a Connecticut psychologist, covers a full range of sticky situations, telling the kids about the divorce, dealing with an undependable ex-spouse, or coping as a noncustodial parent. Following the formula established in his first book on child-rearing, "Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?" (1991), Wolf intersperses incisive analysis with clear-cut advice and, best of all, slice-of-life dialogue scripts that spell out fruitful as well as unproductive ways to respond to common intrafamilial conflicts. The chapter "Rules for You, Your Kids, and Your Partner" gives a concise blueprint for behavior when a stepparent enters the picture. Throughout, Wolf stresses that children must above all feel safe and loved, and that parents' first concern should be for their children's emotional well-being, which can mean stifling unpleasant remarks about one's ex, no matter how warranted such observations may be. "Divorce or not," he sums up, "success in parenting comes with your doing the best possible job that you can during the time that you are with your kids." Wolf's wise and specific counsel should help improve the success rate considerably.
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux; 1 edition (August 20, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0374525684
• ISBN-13: 978-0374525682
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6.1 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #118,335 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D., is a practicing clinical psychologist and the author of many bestselling books. He has worked with children and adolescents for more than thirty years and lectures widely on parenting topics. He lives in Suffield, Connecticut.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

40 of 41 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Incredibly helpful, April 9, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?: A Guide to Parenting Through Divorce (Paperback)

I believe that intuition is a solid guide for regular day-to-day parenting, but effectively parenting kids going through a divorce calls for some professional advice.

Dr. Wolf makes some excellent points that are counter-intuitive. One that hit home the most for me was what to do when a child going through a divorce comes to a parent with untrue accusations coming straight from the other parent. ("Mom said that you guys had agreed to save money to take us to Disney World but you went and spent the money on jewelry for your girlfriend.") The natural response is to set the child straight and explain that the other parent is just angry and not telling the truth. Dr. Wolf convinced me - and I was very reluctant to believe - that the best solution is to tell the child that such issues are between Mom and Dad only and refuse to discuss it. What a relief for the child to be taken out of the middle and not have to try to decide which parent to believe. I remember how hard loyalty conflicts were for me when my parents divorced - the kids don't want to know about their parents' spending habits in the marriage or mean little things they did or did not do to each other. Dr. Wolf helped me as a new stepparent understand that keeping kids out of the middle is just more important than making sure they know the whole truth. Better for your child to suspect you probably did whatever your ex accuses you of than to be placed in the middle of an adult conflict and be forced to choose between parents.

Dr. Wolf's sample situations are VERY realistic. Here is a man who has really listened to the way kids talk and the things they get worked up about. His suggestions, which cover many common post-divorce dilemmas, make a lot of sense, and are a great help to parents going through a very difficult, emotional time and having some trouble figuring out what is really best for the children. My husband and I got a lot out of this book.

I also highly recommend "Children of Divorce: a Developmental Approach to Residence and Visitation" and "Mom's House, Dad's House."

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A pediatrician's take, June 5, 2002

By 

Jennifer A. Tenney (Oakland, CA United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?: A Guide to Parenting Through Divorce (Paperback)

In my job as a pediatrician, I have given general counseling to families going through divorce and separation for several years, and thought that I was fairly savvy about handling these situation. However with my recent separation from my children's father, I have been shocked at how difficult even little decisions are about what to say or not say to the kids, leaving me almost paralyzed at times. This book has been a big help in laying out the issues and clarifying what is really in the kids' best interest, as opposed to the parents'. Realizing that the kids don't want or need or understand long-winded explanations makes it easier for me to talk to them about the situtaion; and being clear in my own mind on what is grown-up business vs kid business I'm hoping will help me to handle the next difficult months (and probably years) with more grace and integrity. It's an easy read with great cartoons too! Thanks, Dr. Wolf!

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Divorce Attorney's Point of View, March 3, 2011

By 

Betty "Betty" (USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?: A Guide to Parenting Through Divorce (Paperback)

Concise, witty, straightforward and astute: this book is required reading for my divorce clients with children. Dr. Wolf "gets it." He knows adult topics are off limits. He knows children interested are in their own needs; not in the justices and injustices of their parents' disputes. Yes, kids will play mom and dad against each for double birthdays and constant rides to the mall. No, kids do want to hear the whole story about whether mommy really did sleep with the IRS auditor or whether it's ramen for dinner because daddy missed paying child support. Going through the trauma of divorce and then the added trauma of the legal system can be like stepping through the looking glass. Everything becomes its opposite. My clients have very little time to re-orient and get on track. This book is their express route. With humor and brevity, Dr. Wolf educates them so they interact reasonably with judges, social workers, lawyers, mediators and, most importantly, so they can parent well in tough circumstances. This book will give you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change (when the other idiotic parent forces the kids to go to those outrageously-expensive, exhausting swimming lessons and then lets them eat unhealthy, sugar-infested brownies), the courage to change the things you can (when you, the saintly parent, break your back to get them to their exhilarating and enriching swimming lessons and then stay up all night baking them your wonderful down-home brownies), and the wisdom to know the difference (usually none.) Read it. Your kids would thank you if they only had the time to look up from their phones and video game remotes.