26 of 28 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
We're not all playboys, you know, April 24, 2008
This review is from: So Why Have You Never Been Married?: 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed (Paperback)
As a never-married man over 40, I was intrigued by the title of Carl Weisman's latest, "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" since I've been asked the same question more than once myself. We are all no doubt familiar with the stereotypes that go with this demographic group: irresponsible, afraid of commitment, hedonistic, self-absorbed, etc., etc. At least one well-known evangelical Christian author has taken chronically-unmarried men to task for failing to obey a perceived "marriage mandate" while remaining single.
What Carl Weisman discovered, when he took the trouble to actually sit down and talk to a representative sample of altar-dodgers, is that the reality is a lot more complicated. For every one that freely admits to being too selfish to head a family and raise children, there are many more who were traumatized by their parents' divorce, or who tried to succeed at matrimony but failed, leaving a trail of regrets.
Weisman introduces thirty-three diverse men who have yet to tie the knot, and weaves their stories throughout his study of why some guys never, for one reason or another, get around to getting hitched. He includes himself, too: unmarried at 48, the author shares his questions and struggles along with those of the men he profiles.
While those individuals are too complicated to be summed up with a tidy formula, Weisman's research does reveal that the men generally revere the institution of marriage even if they have not yet achieved it. His interviews also indicate that men can achieve a surprising level of contentment, even if marriage and family continue to elude them.
If nothing else, the book dispels some of the negative stereotypes about men who are slow to marry, and introduces the reader to some colorful and diverse characters.
"So Why Have You Never Been Married" opens a revealing window into the psyche of the perennially unmarried man for women who are interested in deciphering the workings of the male mind. It might also be helpful to aging parents still hoping for grandchildren, as well as for other guys who will find it reassuring to know that they are not alone.
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17 of 20 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
The Over 40 Single Never Married Man--Moving Toward Love "Our Way", May 13, 2008
This review is from: So Why Have You Never Been Married?: 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed (Paperback)
I'm an over 40 single never married man. So naturally, I was very interested in Carl Weisman's new book, "So Why Have You Never Been Married".
By Carl's own admission, the project was undertaken to answer for HIM, why HE had never married at 48. He gives ALL of us so much more.
First, here's an anecdote from my own life as an over 40 single never married, which really underscores the need for this book. A number of years ago, I happened to find myself out on a "first date" with a nice young woman. Of course, the "subject question" of the book came up, "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" As I always do, I tried to as politely and succinctly as possible, explain that it was probably a "combination of my childhood experiences affecting my thought processes as an adult, but also, the notion that on some level I thought bachelorhood was "cool" for the freedom it provided me. Of course, also, that I had found a lot of "right ones", but not the ultimate "right one." This was the most sincere and best response I could think of in that moment. For most women, who I would date, this response was very understandable to them, and led to even deeper conversations around our childhoods, thought processes, belief systems, even, in some cases, what each of us as individuals enjoyed about our own independence, as man and woman, etc.
NOT for THIS woman. This response was not clear to her at all. An almost "FBI like" interrogation ensued. For many questions for several minutes. It finally got to the point where I literally had to say, as tactfully as possible of course, "So, I see. It would have been better, then, if I had gone ahead and gotten married twice, and had one child from each of those situations, and subsequently divorced. That is, rather than remain single, and not worry about any ramifications from bringing these two children into the world." (This woman's precise situation.) She didn't end the date. My good fortune. But she got very quiet, and said, "Touche".
While the above anecdote, can appear insensitive or even offensive to some, which I apologize for, it underscores the huge need, and for me, the real purpose behind Carl's work. That is, specifically to foster a better understanding of the "psyche" behind one of the largest demographic shifts in the modern United States. That is, specifically the increase Carl correctly cites, from 6% of the population in 1980 to 17% of the population, today, in single never married men. There are 12 million single never marrieds in the US and the men at 6.2 million outnumber their female counterparts by nearly 20%.
In the psychotherapeutic, self-help based world we live in, it would be easy, as many do, to chalk this up to simple "commitment phobia", or some of the anthropological studies on higher testosterone in the never marrieds. (Kudos to Carl, for citing this research.). In other words, "process" these guys psychotherapeutically, research them, send them to workshops, dissect them like "lab frogs", and we'll solve this "societal dilemma" and there will be lots of happy newly married women.
IF this phenomenon could be chalked up to these singular causes, that would be easy. It can't. Carl begins with a survey of 1,533 of us. He publishes the results of that survey in the book around four major categories. From this survey he selected 33 of us, at random, to speak to. The excerpts from those conversations across all 33 of us, produced 10 common insights into why we haven't wed.
However, as is probably true across all of the 1,533 survey respondents, those reasons are weighted based on the unique experiences of each of us. For example, "Finding the Right Partner", "traumatic childhood experiences", and the whole "Divorce, Infidelity issue" (both in our childhood families of origin and in an adult marriage) carry a much different weight for each of us, based on each of our individual experiences. With some of us, they may carry NO weight at all, but how one of us feels about our financial status DOES. This book does an excellent job of making those distinctions based on each individual's interview.
The real value, for both women, men, families, and the "society" is our stories. The stories of the 33 of us, and how we arrived at this place in our lives. At over 40 and never having been married. What we learned, how we've grown, and most importantly, what lies ahead, for us, for the women, and for our society. Our society, in particular, as regards the whole "marriage thing" that is And where the "marriage contract" may be headed. Carl's commentary on this, is quite relevant.
In summary, you can probably tell I am highly recommending and giving many stars to Carl Weisman's "So Why Have You Never Been Married".
Now for the "review disclaimer". As you have probably determined, I am one of the participants in Carl's study. I was interviewed for, and I am in Carl's book, in some detail, along with 32 others of course.
This leads me to my most important insight into the value of this book. As I read and re-read mine and the other 32 men's contributions to the book, there isn't anything different which I would say. That is, if I had it to do over again, which I don't. However, I found myself, as I reviewed the other men's contributions, saying repeatedly. "Yes, I would say that too. Yes, I would add that too." This occurred, almost without exception. My point? While my own responses and reasons for "bachelorhood" are true for me, my awareness was enhanced by realizing how much I related to the OTHER MEN in this study, evenTHOUGH I have YET to meet ONE OF THEM!!!! I SUSPECT YOU SINGLE NEVER MARRIED WOMEN WHO CHOOSE TO PURCHASE AND READ THIS BOOK, may feel much the same way!
In addition, I hope this seminal work, exploring the single never married man over 40, while highly anecdotal by design, opens a door for our women, and our families to love us for who we really are; married or single. I believe Carl has taken a huge first step to that end, with this book. I applaud him for that.
Finally, to reveal to each of you, who I am in the book, or to write this review in a way, that this would be blatantly obvious, I believe, would be tantamount to "Dr. Phil" making "a play", for one of his own guests on Oprah. (That is, just so he could boost "Oprah's ratings", for example). It just wouldn't be right.
Besides, in case any of us, or all of us, end up one day, on Oprah, I need to have some things to talk about to all you first time readers of Carl's book. Especially you women!!!! (Hey I'm still single, and you never know! :0) ) Happy Reading!!!!
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9 of 10 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
not that helpful, September 1, 2008
This review is from: So Why Have You Never Been Married?: 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed (Paperback)
Boy, this a tough book to review. I'll preface my remarks with the admission that I've just turned 40, never been married, so I was looking for a book to explain why. Overall, this book was only of marginal help in answering this question.
This book was put together as follows: the author set up a website asking unmarried men over 40 to answer a series of questions (reproduced, with results, in the appendix). From this survey he eventually interviewed 33 men whose thoughts formed the basis of this book. He was trying to answer two main questions (1) Why have I never been married? (2) what is wrong with me? Essentially he was on a journey of self discovery. Weisman also wants to de-pathologize the single, older male and to some extent he succeeds at doing that.
To his credit, Weisman recognizes two problems with his survey approach. Firstly, he has to contend with self-selection bias where people of a certain profile (white, higher income, more educated, younger men (40-45), with internet access) were much more likely to partake in the survey. Secondly, by only interviewing 33 out of 1533 men he risks not getting a nice cross-section of males over the age of 40. He tries to correct for this second problem by carefully selecting a geographically diverse group of younger and older men, with both higher and lower incomes and with greater and lesser amounts of education.
As I read this book I notice the author is a very uncritical interviewer. Almost everything the interviewees say is unchallenged and, in the author's opinion, has merit. His ethos can be summed-up as "After all, they're recounting their OWN experiences so how can I discount their opinions even if I don't agree?" I suppose this has some truth but I found it very frustrating. His approach doesn't help readers gain insight into their behaviors nor does it provide steps on how to change their marital status. (I assume they want to change their status because question 37 of his survey says that over 60% of the men want to get married someday.) All these first person accounts don't help the reader at all.
Unfortunately, this is the kind of book that results when an amateur psychologist takes the reins - far too much anecdote and not nearly enough insight, analysis or therapy.
What this book needs is a professional counselor to organize and categorize all the different observations and different bachelor types, provide context and explain what's holding various men back from being married. Such a book has already been written - "Bachelors: The Psychology of Men Who Haven't Married" by Charles A. Waehler (Praeger Publishers, ISBN 0275956687). I strongly recommend that work over the current book. Weisman has specifically said in his intro he did not want to write a book from this more clinical perspective but that's what the subject really requires.
The current book is subtitled "10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed" but I can't find them. The book only has 9 chapters and the chapter entitled " So Why Have You Never Been Married?", the most useful chapter of the entire book, only has 8 sections. So where are these 10 insights located?
I give it 2.5 stars rounded to 3.
Readers should also look at the National Marriage Project website (marriage.rutgers.edu) at Rutgers University who produce an annual report entitled The State of Our Unions. All of their reports are v. good but readers should look at the 2004 report "The Marrying Kind: Which Men Marry and Why" and the 2002 report "Why Men Won't Commit". The 2004 report describes a small group of the male population who are "hardcore marriage avoiders".
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