Customer Reviews

So Why Have You Never Been Married?: 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

As a never-married man over 40, I was intrigued by the title of Carl Weisman's latest, "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" since I've been asked the same question more than once myself. We are all no doubt familiar with the stereotypes that go with this demographic group: irresponsible, afraid of commitment, hedonistic, self-absorbed, etc., etc. At least one well-known evangelical Christian author has taken chronically-unmarried men to task for failing to obey a perceived "marriage mandate" while remaining single.

What Carl Weisman discovered, when he took the trouble to actually sit down and talk to a representative sample of altar-dodgers, is that the reality is a lot more complicated. For every one that freely admits to being too selfish to head a family and raise children, there are many more who were traumatized by their parents' divorce, or who tried to succeed at matrimony but failed, leaving a trail of regrets.

Weisman introduces thirty-three diverse men who have yet to tie the knot, and weaves their stories throughout his study of why some guys never, for one reason or another, get around to getting hitched. He includes himself, too: unmarried at 48, the author shares his questions and struggles along with those of the men he profiles.

While those individuals are too complicated to be summed up with a tidy formula, Weisman's research does reveal that the men generally revere the institution of marriage even if they have not yet achieved it. His interviews also indicate that men can achieve a surprising level of contentment, even if marriage and family continue to elude them.

If nothing else, the book dispels some of the negative stereotypes about men who are slow to marry, and introduces the reader to some colorful and diverse characters.

"So Why Have You Never Been Married" opens a revealing window into the psyche of the perennially unmarried man for women who are interested in deciphering the workings of the male mind. It might also be helpful to aging parents still hoping for grandchildren, as well as for other guys who will find it reassuring to know that they are not alone.

I'm an over 40 single never married man. So naturally, I was very interested in Carl Weisman's new book, "So Why Have You Never Been Married".

By Carl's own admission, the project was undertaken to answer for HIM, why HE had never married at 48. He gives ALL of us so much more.

First, here's an anecdote from my own life as an over 40 single never married, which really underscores the need for this book. A number of years ago, I happened to find myself out on a "first date" with a nice young woman. Of course, the "subject question" of the book came up, "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" As I always do, I tried to as politely and succinctly as possible, explain that it was probably a "combination of my childhood experiences affecting my thought processes as an adult, but also, the notion that on some level I thought bachelorhood was "cool" for the freedom it provided me. Of course, also, that I had found a lot of "right ones", but not the ultimate "right one." This was the most sincere and best response I could think of in that moment. For most women, who I would date, this response was very understandable to them, and led to even deeper conversations around our childhoods, thought processes, belief systems, even, in some cases, what each of us as individuals enjoyed about our own independence, as man and woman, etc.

NOT for THIS woman. This response was not clear to her at all. An almost "FBI like" interrogation ensued. For many questions for several minutes. It finally got to the point where I literally had to say, as tactfully as possible of course, "So, I see. It would have been better, then, if I had gone ahead and gotten married twice, and had one child from each of those situations, and subsequently divorced. That is, rather than remain single, and not worry about any ramifications from bringing these two children into the world." (This woman's precise situation.) She didn't end the date. My good fortune. But she got very quiet, and said, "Touche".

While the above anecdote, can appear insensitive or even offensive to some, which I apologize for, it underscores the huge need, and for me, the real purpose behind Carl's work. That is, specifically to foster a better understanding of the "psyche" behind one of the largest demographic shifts in the modern United States. That is, specifically the increase Carl correctly cites, from 6% of the population in 1980 to 17% of the population, today, in single never married men. There are 12 million single never marrieds in the US and the men at 6.2 million outnumber their female counterparts by nearly 20%.

In the psychotherapeutic, self-help based world we live in, it would be easy, as many do, to chalk this up to simple "commitment phobia", or some of the anthropological studies on higher testosterone in the never marrieds. (Kudos to Carl, for citing this research.). In other words, "process" these guys psychotherapeutically, research them, send them to workshops, dissect them like "lab frogs", and we'll solve this "societal dilemma" and there will be lots of happy newly married women.

IF this phenomenon could be chalked up to these singular causes, that would be easy. It can't. Carl begins with a survey of 1,533 of us. He publishes the results of that survey in the book around four major categories. From this survey he selected 33 of us, at random, to speak to. The excerpts from those conversations across all 33 of us, produced 10 common insights into why we haven't wed.

However, as is probably true across all of the 1,533 survey respondents, those reasons are weighted based on the unique experiences of each of us. For example, "Finding the Right Partner", "traumatic childhood experiences", and the whole "Divorce, Infidelity issue" (both in our childhood families of origin and in an adult marriage) carry a much different weight for each of us, based on each of our individual experiences. With some of us, they may carry NO weight at all, but how one of us feels about our financial status DOES. This book does an excellent job of making those distinctions based on each individual's interview.

The real value, for both women, men, families, and the "society" is our stories. The stories of the 33 of us, and how we arrived at this place in our lives. At over 40 and never having been married. What we learned, how we've grown, and most importantly, what lies ahead, for us, for the women, and for our society. Our society, in particular, as regards the whole "marriage thing" that is And where the "marriage contract" may be headed. Carl's commentary on this, is quite relevant.

In summary, you can probably tell I am highly recommending and giving many stars to Carl Weisman's "So Why Have You Never Been Married".

Now for the "review disclaimer". As you have probably determined, I am one of the participants in Carl's study. I was interviewed for, and I am in Carl's book, in some detail, along with 32 others of course.

This leads me to my most important insight into the value of this book. As I read and re-read mine and the other 32 men's contributions to the book, there isn't anything different which I would say. That is, if I had it to do over again, which I don't. However, I found myself, as I reviewed the other men's contributions, saying repeatedly. "Yes, I would say that too. Yes, I would add that too." This occurred, almost without exception. My point? While my own responses and reasons for "bachelorhood" are true for me, my awareness was enhanced by realizing how much I related to the OTHER MEN in this study, evenTHOUGH I have YET to meet ONE OF THEM!!!! I SUSPECT YOU SINGLE NEVER MARRIED WOMEN WHO CHOOSE TO PURCHASE AND READ THIS BOOK, may feel much the same way!

In addition, I hope this seminal work, exploring the single never married man over 40, while highly anecdotal by design, opens a door for our women, and our families to love us for who we really are; married or single. I believe Carl has taken a huge first step to that end, with this book. I applaud him for that.

Finally, to reveal to each of you, who I am in the book, or to write this review in a way, that this would be blatantly obvious, I believe, would be tantamount to "Dr. Phil" making "a play", for one of his own guests on Oprah. (That is, just so he could boost "Oprah's ratings", for example). It just wouldn't be right.

Besides, in case any of us, or all of us, end up one day, on Oprah, I need to have some things to talk about to all you first time readers of Carl's book. Especially you women!!!! (Hey I'm still single, and you never know! :0) ) Happy Reading!!!!

Boy, this a tough book to review. I'll preface my remarks with the admission that I've just turned 40, never been married, so I was looking for a book to explain why. Overall, this book was only of marginal help in answering this question.

This book was put together as follows: the author set up a website asking unmarried men over 40 to answer a series of questions (reproduced, with results, in the appendix). From this survey he eventually interviewed 33 men whose thoughts formed the basis of this book. He was trying to answer two main questions (1) Why have I never been married? (2) what is wrong with me? Essentially he was on a journey of self discovery. Weisman also wants to de-pathologize the single, older male and to some extent he succeeds at doing that.

To his credit, Weisman recognizes two problems with his survey approach. Firstly, he has to contend with self-selection bias where people of a certain profile (white, higher income, more educated, younger men (40-45), with internet access) were much more likely to partake in the survey. Secondly, by only interviewing 33 out of 1533 men he risks not getting a nice cross-section of males over the age of 40. He tries to correct for this second problem by carefully selecting a geographically diverse group of younger and older men, with both higher and lower incomes and with greater and lesser amounts of education.

As I read this book I notice the author is a very uncritical interviewer. Almost everything the interviewees say is unchallenged and, in the author's opinion, has merit. His ethos can be summed-up as "After all, they're recounting their OWN experiences so how can I discount their opinions even if I don't agree?" I suppose this has some truth but I found it very frustrating. His approach doesn't help readers gain insight into their behaviors nor does it provide steps on how to change their marital status. (I assume they want to change their status because question 37 of his survey says that over 60% of the men want to get married someday.) All these first person accounts don't help the reader at all.

Unfortunately, this is the kind of book that results when an amateur psychologist takes the reins - far too much anecdote and not nearly enough insight, analysis or therapy.

What this book needs is a professional counselor to organize and categorize all the different observations and different bachelor types, provide context and explain what's holding various men back from being married. Such a book has already been written - "Bachelors: The Psychology of Men Who Haven't Married" by Charles A. Waehler (Praeger Publishers, ISBN 0275956687). I strongly recommend that work over the current book. Weisman has specifically said in his intro he did not want to write a book from this more clinical perspective but that's what the subject really requires.

The current book is subtitled "10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed" but I can't find them. The book only has 9 chapters and the chapter entitled " So Why Have You Never Been Married?", the most useful chapter of the entire book, only has 8 sections. So where are these 10 insights located?

I give it 2.5 stars rounded to 3.

Readers should also look at the National Marriage Project website (marriage.rutgers.edu) at Rutgers University who produce an annual report entitled The State of Our Unions. All of their reports are v. good but readers should look at the 2004 report "The Marrying Kind: Which Men Marry and Why" and the 2002 report "Why Men Won't Commit". The 2004 report describes a small group of the male population who are "hardcore marriage avoiders".

I currently have about 28 books in my "to be read and reviewed" pile. When I received this book, I put everything down to read it first. I am not a man, over 40 years of age, who is trying to figure out why I never married. Instead I am a 41 year old woman who has been divorced for six years, after a 15 year marriage. I wanted to gain an understanding of why some men never marry. My initial reaction has always been to first assume that they have commitment issues, or something just isn't right with them. After reading "So Why Have You Never Been Married?," I started thinking that maybe these men aren't the ones with the problems. After all, they've never failed at marriage, while I have.
The author, Carl Weisman, M.S., interviewed over 30 men over 40 years of age to find out why they never got married. Each one had their own reasons, ranging from some men admitting they were too selfish to others fearing that they would make the wrong choice and end up unhappy or broke. I really found the interviews to be very interesting and for the most part, the decisions were very mature. Personally, I would rather know that a man hasn't gotten married because he knows that he is unable to sexually commit to being with one female for the rest of his life, then know that he knew this getting married and decided to do so anyway. In most cases, the monogamous issue wasn't the main reason for not getting married. This is extremely reassuring to me.
As an educated, gainfully employed woman, over forty, who does not want children, what did I get out of this book? The number one thing that I gained was peace of mind. There are men, over forty, out in this world, who value the importance of making the right choices regarding marriage and being in a monogamous relationship. Plus, some of these men, like myself, do not want children. This is a wonderful to know. What didn't I get from this book? Their phone numbers and contact information. But I can't expect everything! Anyway, I highly recommend "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" to singles of both sexes. It is extremely enlightening and interesting.

People are living longer and many are putting off marriage as they concentrate on finding the right mate, completing educational goals, and enjoying life as a single person. For older men, the life of a bachelor is a little more socially acceptable than it is for a woman, but once a man reaches the age of thirty, it is automatically assumed that he should have at least attempted one run at being married. And once a man reaches the age of forty and still has not been married, it is common to hear the `Why?' question. Others cannot comprehend why any man would choose to remain single for such a long time, and they often make direct inquiries under the assumption that something must be terribly wrong.

But is it really so bad for a man to stay single? And why do so many more men today choose the life of a bachelor? Are they terrified of commitment? Is fear the driving force, or is it just the inability to find the right woman that keeps most men living the single life? These and other questions are answered in this book, and some of the results will surprise the average reader. For example, there is the common fallacy that men over forty who have never been married are fearful of making a commitment and/or are playboys who want multiple partners. There are certainly some who fit this description, but the majority of single men over forty are not continuously on the prowl and do not suffer from commitment phobia. And most importantly, the majority of older single men are not anti- marriage. On the contrary, these men regard marriage very highly and it is precisely their profound respect for the institution of marriage that has kept them single for so many years.

If there is anything else that most of these men share in common it is that their reluctance to marry has more to do with finding the right woman than anything else. Yes, there are a few men profiled in this book who feel marriage simply isn't in the cards for them; not today, not tomorrow, not ever. But most of the men actually still want to be married at some point. They point to the inability to meet the right woman as the chief reason they are still single. Some admit that their standards in the past were probably too high and they let some very fine women slip away. But the majority agrees that they do not want to attempt marriage with just any woman. A marriage that isn't good is far worse then being single and these bachelors plan to remain single until the right woman comes along.

I like the way the author includes actual responses to his survey questions throughout the reading. The author is, himself, a member of the over forty and never married crowd and he has enough knowledge on this subject that he could easily compose an entire book of his own thoughts from experience alone. But the wisdom offered by these older bachelors is indispensable, and their words contribute very much to the value of this book. They express themselves in brutally honest ways, discussing past relationships, feelings on sex, attitudes about children, and how they feel about the future.

This book isn't as scientific as I would like. One of the appendices includes a breakdown of the men who contributed to the book and it clearly shows that the demographics of these men are not necessarily representative of the men in the United States as a whole. However, the feelings are so similar that it is doubtful a scientific cross- section of the male population would have made much difference. Still, statistically- minded individuals are likely to notice this glaring fact right away, and it might tarnish the results of the survey and the book's final conclusions.

Overall, this is a very insightful and honest book and it will make a great choice of reading material for those men who are over forty and have never swam in the marriage waters. These men are united in many ways, including their strong admiration of women, their great respect for the institution of marriage, and their desire to possibly join the ranks of the married at some point in the future. They are also united in one other important way: They are tired of the social stigma that goes with being older and never being wed. There is nothing abnormal about not wanting to get married unless it is to the right woman and for the right reasons. And with some work, some compromise, and some admission of faults, many of these never married men may some day walk down the aisle and join the ranks of the newly married. The life credo that these never- married men have followed is simple: It is better to have never wed than have ended up in a bad marriage. And this is something that all people- both men and women- could learn and benefit from.

What I liked about the book is how the author has written in a conversational style where he asks questions of all the men and then asks follow up questions so you really get a good sense as the conversation continues as to why these men no matter their age, how things like the feminist movement, careers, lifestyle choices all add to the mix.

And I will note that many men today are no different from many women under the age of fifty who have never married, because they have their independence, and or are looking for perfection which as a widow who was married 38 years, is a myth. Thank God. Fact is love is all about taking some type of risk. And being successfully married as my husband would say, is all about realizing what you see is what you get and that she should never set out to change him nor he change her.

I also will note in listening (listening is so important) to male friends, that the reason they love their lifelong partner so much is because she simple damn fun to be with. Like a best friend! Ahh there's the secret. Marry you best friend. I did and would like to do so again. And a great sense of humor and being on the same page with finances are also at the top of the list if you want a great partnership.

This is definitely a good book that is needed on the relationship market. More and more people are opting to stay single longer. Women often wonder why men are over 40 and never have been married. We have so many labels on relationships today and with the advent of email and numerous dating sites, people seem to be going thru non dating phases a lot longer.

As outlined thru the book, men are deeply affected by relationships. Whether they are from dating experiences or family squabbles, men really think twice before leaping into something once. The interviews that Carl Weisman details are quite fascinating including a 60 plus year old man who has been in a relationship for over 30 years but not a married one. Others include men who get involved in sexual activities later in life. Still more have had financial situations that make them avoid the commitment of marriage. I guess insecurities are a part of the equation.

Many questions are asked ranging on subjects from living arrangements, children, family influences, peer influences, and more. Statistics support the claim that divorce is a big fear among all. The possibility of the renewable marriage is addressed.

Sometimes the book gets a bit too structured and the same questions are repeated over and over to draw comparisons. At these moments, the book get be a little less captivating. However, the structure does provide many benefits with the use of a glossary by male subject. One can read back and get a clear picture of each person interviewed. Also the questionnaire given to the original test market is well written and worth reviewing several times over.

While I am not a big believer in fate, I can't conjure a better explanation of what brought this book into my possession. A social service agency's library in my office building was getting rid of excess books and among them were a number of uncorrected publisher's page proofs that someone must have donated to them. This book was among them and it figuratively "had my name on it". I don't normally read relationship books but this topic and the perspective it was written from (late 40's, single never married male with an engineering degree etc) was something I could relate to. I'd never seen an article or book written from this perspective on this topic before.

Carl is the first person I know of to study this specific subject in a systematic way. I can't say yet whether reading the book will make it more likely that I will get married any sooner (but I hope so!). Had there been other studies on this subject then I might be able to compare and contrast this one but Carl has the field to himself. As such all I can say is that I found this book interesting and fast reading. It forced me to think about my situation from various perspectives as the book is based upon a survey of others like me and Carl. A logical companion and complement to this book would probably be a comparable study of similarly age men who are married to see where and why one group diverges from the other.

I would recommend this book for those who are male, over 40, single, never married and have wondered why they might be this way. I also recommend it to those who are curious about our niche in society and are puzzled by it.

It seems more men write about why marriage is not being pursued like it once was as oppossed to women authors. The female author tries to fix that which never worked whereas the male authors have the insight on why it won't work.

I always wanted to be married, but one thing I found is that it takes two. Men seem to be the more commited ones today because women have so many opportunities and left their role. It is easy to see that it has damaged life-long relationships. Mr Weisman's book is another perspective on why men are alone. I agree it isn't because men have "marriage-phobia".

I also highly recommend Why Singles are not Married & the Married are Single. Another man with a deep insight to the same subject.

I applaud the men who are taking a stand to pump real facts and truths into why marriage is unpopular today. Seems men have always been to blame, but there is a whole other gender that needs to take a deeper look into what they are contributing into the mix.

Although Weisman comically points out at the very beginning of this study that "I am not a doctor, nor do I attempt to play one in this book," he gifts to the curious a clear, careful study of men over the age of 40 who, for a variety of reasons, have never been married. With careful and purposeful research, Weisman explores the question of older, unmarried men from two different standpoints: the man who is wondering what is wrong with him, and the woman who is wondering the same thing.

Augmented with census data, solid citations, and a conversation-based investigation, Weisman offers insight on the subject with a careful explanation of his methodology, a broad sampling of men, and a sometimes ribald honesty.

So Why Have You Never Been Married? goes far beyond such platitudes as "finding the right one" and clears up misconceptions and myths about the unmarried man. In his subjects' own words, Weisman explores the ideas, beliefs, and values of marriage, touching on subjects such as fear of infidelity and open marriages via conversations that are sometimes amusing, sometimes depressing, and often sexually-charged.

So Why Have You Never Been Married? surveys whether the single life is worth it, whether there are any regrets, and what the future may hold for those looking to bypass marriage. A fast read due to its conversational tone, Weisman's insightful work also offers probing questions, a vast, solid sampling, and an ending that provides helpful quotes in the subjects' own words.


Allena Tapia
Apex Reviews