Customer Reviews

Why Him? Why Her?: Finding Real Love By Understanding Your Personality Type

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2 star:		(8)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

Is it legitimate to put forth yet another work on personality types? After all, there are the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and the Keirsey Temperaments takes on personality. However, perhaps those formulations did not sink in given the ongoing precarious state of relationships. In this book, the author has constructed a credible model of personality, even if similar to others, which is related to brain chemistry, though that may be the most controversial aspect of her model. Much of the author's supporting data for her model comes from her work with dating services based on responses from thousands.

She defines four basic personality temperaments or traits that exist in all individuals with one being dominate and another secondary. Characteristic of Explorers is tendencies for novelty, enthusiasm, risk-taking, spontaneity, irreverence, adventure, etc. Dopamine is associated with Explorers. Builders are conventional, calm, moral, rule-based, respectful of authority, somewhat cautious, loyal, etc. Serotonin is the chemical that is most closely associated with Builders. Directors are analytical, logical, self-controlled, independent, somewhat competitive, decisive, etc. Testosterone dominates in Directors. Negotiators are very social, intuitive, sympathetic, idealistic, tolerant, agreeable, etc. The author claims that it is estrogen that enables both men and women to have enhanced holistic thinking capability. There seems to be no assertions that one personality is better than another or that such personalities are associated with levels of intelligence.

The author strongly suggests that, if accurately assessed, that these four traits go a long ways toward predicting both attraction and aversion. In a study involving 28,000 members of a dating service, in choosing whom to meet for a first date, at a substantial statistically significant level, both Explorers and Builders seek each other, while Directors of either gender seek Negotiators and vice versa. Attractions to other types pale by comparison. Most of the book is devoted to exploring the dynamics of those attractions. The author does warn of problems when people adhere too strictly to their dominant personality type. Interestingly, the author connects temperaments to the type of love sought. Explorers seek playmates; Builders seek helpmates, or pragmatic love; Directors seek mind-mates, or lovers of ideas; while Negotiators seek a soul mate, one with whom they can connect spiritually.

The author is the first to admit that many factors other than these traits go into finding the right partner. Such bodily characteristics as beauty, shape, height, muscularity, voice, movement, and the like are highly important, as are values and ideals. Conversational abilities and self-confidence are not to be ignored. The author discusses the theory that coupledom involves the idea of completion, or finding in the other the solution to personal shortcomings.

There seems to be the assumption that most of this - assessing personality and characteristics - is fairly straightforward, or at least there is no indication otherwise. One strongly suspects that is not the case. Why do so many of us get it wrong in mate selection. The author speaks of proximity, such as the workplace, as being conducive to finding mates, which certainly gives longish times to assess compatibility. But for many there are not such opportunities. To be a successful player in the mating game seems to require sufficient maturity, experience, and knowledge of much of what the author discusses which can be brought to bear rather quickly and competently for the opportunity at hand - not so easy one would think.

The book is interesting and easily read. It does tend to be a bit redundant. Thankfully, it tends to be general and does not force the reader to be involved with endless examples of couples. It is a most credible effort in attempting to understand what makes for good relationships. In addition, the author provides a fairly short personality test to determine one's relative tendencies towards being an Explorer, Builder, Director, or Negotiator.

I decided to buy the book after seeing Helen Fisher on the Colbert Report. She handled herself well, and gave several intelligent teases to create desire for the book.I'm married, very happily, and thought the book would have some transferable ideas to marketing (my vocation).

Other reviews cover the material in the book.

Let me say first that the backbone of her research has been done before. There are 4 personality types. They have been called many things by different authors. The reason I don't mind that is that the author acknowledges the fact, and provides the source material. She then ties the personality types with brain chemistry, and does it convincingly. I haven't seen that before.

Sure, she mentions her work with two online dating services. But it's part of the story, and to omit that would cheat the reader. Any author worth their salt would mention the work they have done in the past. In fact, her work for these companies is the basis of much of her research.

She includes quotations from philosophers, businesspeople, even Einstein.
These quotations add to the reading by showing what type(personality type, that is) of person thinks in what way.

She includes personal stories that, if they were missing, would make this a harder read.

Some of what she says has been covered before...but there isn't a book written that covers JUST new material. The way I see it, for $20 you got a few hours of intelligent introspection into what makes you the way you are...how others perceive you...and what others will be attracted (and repelled) in you. Certainly worth the price.

By the way, I'm 100% Director, married to a near 100% Negotiator. According to the book, we're a perfect match. And we are.

added 3/04/09 I noticed that most of the bad reviews are for the CD. I read the book. It must be a different experience.

I thought this would be interesting as a way of seeing how my fiance and I match up and maybe as a conversation starter as we get ready to mix finances, set up a home, plan a wedding, etc. It was not my cup of tea. The four categories used vastly overgeneralize to the point that they are not useful in any practical way. My fiance and I actually relate better through our horoscopes. When I'm being non-committal, it's a lot easier for her to say "stop being such a Gemini" than for her to say, "Stop being such a negotiator." Frankly, the horoscopes are more accurate. Do not think that means I think horoscopes are accurate.

This might be useful for some folks who've never had a framework to conceptualize their personality, but only in that case. I would still try to start from a better place. There are far better ways to get an understanding of your personality. First, go take a full Myers-Briggs and use the free commentary that always comes with the tests. In fact, if you want to save money, there are a number of places online to take a smaller Myers-Briggs survey for free, that still have good commentary. Just avoid the pay sites and look for ones run by universities.

Interesting stuff -- Fisher, an anthropologist and the brains behind internet dating site chemistry.com, posits that there are four basic temperaments, or personality types -- Explorers, Builders, Directors & Negotiaters. Each of us has some combination of all four. Our dominant temperament or temperaments dictate what kind of mate we will be most happy with. So far, so good -- our personalities determine whom we are most compatible with. What makes Fisher's theory unique is her explanation that our personalities are determined largely by our biology/chemistry, and whatever chemistry you're born with determines essentially who you are.

Explorers are curious; they like adventure, travel, spontaneity, change, activity. They are guided by "dopamine activity." I'm pretty sure that dopamine is a neurotransmitter but I don't know what "dopamine activity" is -- do explorers have more dopamine than the rest of us?

Builders are loyal; they like family, honesty, trustworthiness, stability -- they are guided by seratonin.

Directors are the mathy, nerdy types, logical and analytical, intellectual, fond of intelligent conversation. They are guided by --and this is a little hard for a girl nerd like to me to swallow -- testosterone.

Negotiaters are the nice ones, the people-pleasers, sympathetic, kind, accommodating, caretakers -- they're guided by estrogen.

At first glance, Fisher's research seems legitimate, as it is based on thousands and thousands of persons who have taken on-line surveys. I don't doubt that those surveys validate the four basic personality types, and the fact that folks tend to behave and make choices consistent with their type. Still, that doesn't explain the "chemistry."

High school chemistry was a long long time ago for me, and I did't really understand it even then, but the chemistry in this makes even less sense to me. If our personalities are determined by dopamine, seratonin, testosterone & estrogen, and to a lesser extent norephedrine and oxytocin -- then wouldn't things like Prozac (or other drugs that affect seratonin levels) or estrogen replacement therapy significantly impact our personalities? And more importantly, how does Fisher connect the personality types with the underlying biochemistry? Last time I checked, no one required a blood test or checked the neurotransmitter levels of folks joining match.com.

Chemistry aside, knowing that there are these four basic temperaments -- do opposites attract, or do birds of a feather stick together? Both, Fisher says. Explorers and Builders best stick to their own kind (Jets? Sharks?) whereas Negotiaters and Directors are most compatible with their complementary type -- Negotiaters choose directors and vice versa.

There is an element of marketing in this work -- it's essentially one big plug for chemistry.com. Normally, such shameless promotion is a turnoff for me, but in this case, I didn't find it offensive. Fisher is explaining the logic and research behind chemistry.com, and it comes across as genuine and research-based rather than marketing hype. That said, the research certainly doesn't involve any "chemistry" of the sort Fisher makes reference to -- brain chemistry, hormone levels, biology. It's a bit of a stretch to assert that one's "dopamine activity" determines one's personality without making any effort to assess one's dopamine activity.

I haven't made it through all seven CDs yet. The author does a great job of reading her own work, and I enjoying listening, but it's quite a lot to listen to -- I found myself skipping back to listen to certain passages several times to ensure that I understood them. I think I would prefer to have the material in written form, so that I could re-read sections if I wanted to. The author is liberal in her inclusion of poetry and quotes -- and the audio format does bring an unusual emphasis to the poetry and quotes, which is nice.

Overall, though, Fisher presents an interesting theory, the material is well-written and well worth listening to (or better yet, reading).

Disclaimer: I am a VINE reviewer and received this product for free to review.

I have to give this audiobook a "2" because it's nothing new in the world of personality types and is certainly not groundbreaking. The early 1900's psychiatrist Carl Jung, who laid the foundation for the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test (MBTI) had this figured out long ago.

Also, anyone who has ever attended any corporate leadership training around leadership types or taken the MBTI will see the same concepts repeated throughout this book.

The author (and reader) just chooses different labels for the same concepts Jung / Myers-Briggs developed. The MBTI uses types for different areas of life: Extroversion/Introversion, Sensing/Intuition, Thinking/Feeling, Judgement/Perception. Helen Fisher uses Builders, Directors, Explorers, Negotiators.

She gives examples of real-life scenarios and explains how Explorer/Builder, Director/Negotiators react, but this is no different than figuring out your Personality Type by answering real-life scenario questions as part of the original MBTI test to begin with.

If I can give any advice to the author: Please put a Quick-Reference Card with your audiobook, because although you are a fantastic narrator, your 'new' concepts are hard to follow and listen to if you don't already have each type memorized. Those of us with some background with MBTI get confused with your nomenclature and it's hard to comprehend the rest of the story if we aren't sure what the Director was again, etc.

Overall, this is a pleasant and enjoyable audiobook, but falls short of groundbreaking and reader/listeners should not be misled.

I've been on some horrible dates, but one of the worst remains in vivid memory to this day.

We went out to dinner at this really trendy restaurant. She looked great and I complimented her. For the first hour or so, the time went by normally. Then, in a very sort of subtle way, things changed. Gradually, I realized that there was no real conversation, no exchange of ideas going on. Even though I have to laugh at it today, the rest of the evening quickly became a truly weird experience.

As much as I tried, I could not get my date to respond to any overtures that would initiate interesting conversation. I'm talking lighter fare, not religion, politics or guy stuff. Things like cinema, art, music. All to no avail. Her response was to unfailingly boomerang everything back to me. (Two phrases come to mind: "I'm not sure about... What do you think?," or, "I really hadn't thought about it. What's your take on it?") It was like, robotic.

While I wasn't sure about what the gag was, I couldn't wait for it to end. I felt exactly like a standup comic who was quickly running out of material. It was an awful feeling, and I'm sure that at the end of the evening (Early, at about Ten O'Clock) she was just as happy to say goodnight as I was. We didn't even shake hands and I didn't bother to watch her walk away. I said "G'Night," and that was it. What I felt like saying was, "I'm really sorry," but at that point, I was too frazzled to say much of anything.

In her audiobook "Why Him? Why Her?" Dr. Helen Fisher doesn't lay claim to any false promise that I'll never have to go through anything like that again. What she does say is that if I ever find myself in a similar situation, at least I'll understand exactly what is happening - at the time it happens. That way, I can anticipate the next course of action. If and when a chosen partner clams up for no apparent reason, or when some other failing social situation crashes, I'll be ready.

But first, I have to buy into Dr. Fisher's system. Which, from what I gather, is based on anthropological research that would dwarf the Manhattan project (Or for all post generation Xer's, the race to produce a 100GB MP3 player). Anyway, to simplify all of her complicated findings, Fisher boils the whole magilla down to the X's and O's of romance in layman's terms: The compatibility problems associated with four Fisher-defined personality types: the Explorer, the Builder, the Director, and the Negotiator.

To give it some life, the text of "Why Him? Why Her?" is laced with personal and not-so-personal anecdotes and explanations about how different personality types interact or fail to interact in given social situations. Other illustrations Fisher offers seem sort of like antisceptic diagrams of possible actions to take during romantic interaction. It's sort of abstract, but if you think about what she has so say, it's all logical.

When Dr. Fisher isn't quoting great writers (Robert Burns, Shakespeare and a Greek guy named Anonymous), she's generating great food for thought on her own by extrapolating great observations that aren't obvious. Here are some Fisherisms that defy any further breakdown or explanation:

"When you give a compliment, you should be sincere."

"Don't listen to everything your friends and family have to say about your partner."

"The smell of a woman's breath and saliva changes across the menstrual cycle, too, broadcasting the extent of her fertility."

I looked for a .pdf copy of the printed book on the discs, but all I found was Chapter Two, "Finding Your Personality Type", The Personality Type Test, which when taken, will give you some idea about your personality. I took it and found out I'm an Explorer/Negotiator type, which is something that I will be sure to mention to all prospective partners during social interaction at parties, funerals, weddings and bar mitzvahs in the near future.

One last observation: I'm not exactly sure why McMillan books decided to put Fisher's book on a seven (7) CD set; I can't see how it will make a big return. It's not that the author's voice is unpleasant, but at over seven hours of running time, the subject matter drags. It's basically a seven-hour monologue. I would imagine that if you're a fan of Dr. Fisher, it might be time well spent. However, I would imagine that "Why Him? Why Her?" in its printed form would be much easier to get through.

Helen Fisher offers her theories on the four basic personality types -- the director, negotiator, explorer, and builder. She formulated these theories based on the 40,000 surveys submitted for her work for Chemistry dot com, a recurring theme throughout this incredibly dry book.

Fisher breaks out everyone into four personality temperments. In this audiobook, she examines both behavioral and chemical causes as to why people would belong to each of these temperments. The information is presented in a level, similar to what would be covered in a college level psychology class.

I have two complaints with the book on tape. First and foremost is the lack of an index/table of content to quickly reference material. While listening, it would be difficult to remember on which disk/track the material was located. Secondly, if you became bored while listening, you had no idea what you were missing if you fast forwarded.

Secondly, the CD also shamelessly plugs both Chemistry dot com and Match dot com. In her effort to establish credibility with the reader as an expert on romantic love, Fisher constantly plugs her technical advice for these two websites making a huge distractor from her main message.

I was very disappointed with this CD version.

Fisher served as a consultant for the dating site Chemistry.c0m before it launched in February 2006. She helped to build the site by designing a questionnaire for singles and devising a "scientific" system through which these singles are classified and matched based on their responses to the questionnaire. In Why Him Why Her, Fisher talks about the principles behind this matching system, which I will briefly explain here:

The questionnaire is used to determine how closely a person conforms to each of four personality types: (1) Explorer (2) Builder (3) Director (4) Negotiator. A person has a primary personality type and a secondary personality type. For example, a person may be foremost a Director (her primary personality type) and then a Builder (her secondary personality type).

Some traits that stand out for:
(1) an Explorer: risk taker, enthusiastic, curious, spontaneous, impulsive, susceptible to boredom, etc.
(2) a Builder: cautious, loyal, traditional, orderly, predictable, tenacious, meticulous planner, etc.
(3) a Director: bold, direct, logical, analytical, exacting, focused, etc.
(4) a Negotiator: imaginative, intuitive, harmony-loving, empathetic, etc.

Explorers tend to seek Explorers, Builders tend to seek Builders, Directors tend to seek Negotiators, and Negotiators tend to seek Directors. In light of this, the question of whether attraction is based on similarity (like attract like) or complementarity (opposites attract) becomes moot. According to Fisher, if you're an Explorer or a Builder, you're attracted to a someone just like yourself; if you're a Director or a Negotiator, you're attracted to someone who is unlike (or who complements) you.

Fisher also explains the bio-chemistry behind each personality type. (1) An explorer has higher levels of Dopamine and Norepinephrine (2) A Builder has higher levels of Serotonin (3) A Director has higher levels of Testosterone (4) A Negotiator has higher levels of Estrogen and Oxytocin.

A little tidbit which is of particular interest to me is that many Directors (many of whom are in positions of power) have significantly longer ring fingers than index fingers - an indicator of high levels of testosterone!
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Why Him Why Her is superbly narrated by the author herself. Her enthusiasm and conviction for her own work on personality types and principles of compatibility clearly shows through her remarkably energetic and engaging narration. I enjoyed the book so much that I actually listened to it from start to end for 12 hours straight!

I definitely don't subscribe lock, stock, and barrel to Fisher's view on the chemistry and science of attraction. I tend to view any formulaic approach to matchmaking with a generous dose of skepticism. Regardless, Fisher has helped me gain some very valuable insight into myself and the selection of my ideal mate. I can't guarantee that this book will do the same for you, but in any case, I think this book will be a very interesting and worthwhile read.

The book discussed early on, in the first few chapters that there are 4 types of personalities - explorer, builder, director and negotiator. Explorers are compatible with explorers, builders with builders, and directors to negotiators. Each of us manifests a combination of these types but more likely have 1 or 2 dominating types. There is a chapter that explains how science and history support this notion. The remainder of the book reinforces how to hone your skill in identifying the characteristics that define these individual types, thus giving you the advantage of knowing the right person for you for a successful relationship . If you are already in a relationship, you will still get a lot of good advice in how to make the relationship works. It will help you how understand more about your partner, about her/his strengths, weaknesses, wants, etc.

To have a good understanding of the idea being presented by this book, you should print the pdf included on the last CD for a personality test. It will tell you on which of the 4 types do you fall under. This will give you a better feel to relate as you follow the book.

Although it does not exactly give me the feeling of eureka, the book brought out a lot of new interesting concepts that I thought are very helpful and could be a very valuable investment if you want to be right.

Author Helen Fisher, Ph.D., is a well-known personality in the art (or science) of love and romance . She is also the chief scientific adviser for Chemistry.com (a division of Match.com), a website designed for people seeking long-term relationships.

Main Keywords: Dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, Helen Keller.

The package contains 7 audio CD's. If you want to listen to it to your mp3 player, you have to convert it first to mp3. A better way is to convert it to Itunes' ACC format instead of mp3, if you want your player to remember where you left off.

Great stuff. A fascinating topic and a wonderful writer. Fisher combines personality theory, biochemistry, and evolutionary psychology in an incisive look at human attraction and mating.

What she comes up with are 4 types - Explorer, Builder, Director, and Negotiator - discussing each in detail as well as how they match up with each other. (Yes, there is a short quiz, so you can figure out who you are.)

Probably the most interesting part is how she combines the types with chemicals affecting mood. The exciting Explorer is matched with dopamine, the boring Builder with calming serotonin, the hard-charging Director with testosterone, and the touchy-feely Negotiator with oxytocin (the bonding chemical).

On the minus side, I just kept thinking over and over again of Myers Briggs. I had a hard time believing Fisher had never heard of it before - the similarities between the two are just so striking. I actually prefer MB as they have 16 types (based on 4 dimensions). It just seemed a lot easier to find yourself there than in this book. I kept finding myself scattered almost equally among the 4 types.

Less importantly, Fisher's plugging chemistry.com (it's based on her work) was a little annoying (though only really at the beginning), she uses Bartlett's Quotations a little too much, and you could tell she was a little biased toward Explorers (she's one herself).

Nonetheless, this is great stuff. Highly recommended.