Customer Reviews

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last

5 star:		(45)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I read this book on the advice of my marriage therapist, right after my divorce was final. No advice has ever rung so true. It was a little too late to fix that one, but it's given me a lot to practice for the future. Of course, no book can answer all the questions, solve all your problems, but if you want to understand some of the more intricate patterns of communication that can subtly erode your marriage, I think this book is exceptional. I recently read it again with my partner, and it drew us together, helped us understand the goings on of our communication, where each of us has difficulty, and gave us sensible, reasonable solutions to mend our relationship and make it more positive. The best part of all: neither of us felt horrible for behaving like children; it just helped us understand what the consequences of our actions might be.

One little bit of data he uncovered, the impact of positive to negative interactions between couples, was reduced to a rather mathematical forumula: to practice a ratio of five positive to every one negative interaction. Sounds scientific enough, but in practice it's remarkable how much that little habit has done to improve all of my relationships. I think Gottman's work is a significant contribution to understanding how marriages do work, and what couples can do to avoid the pitfalls of harmful communication patterns. I have recommended it to everyone I know whose relationships are ailing and have gotten a lot of grateful thanks from them.

He's got a great writing style, humorous at times, and the book is fun to read with your significant other. I feel his information is practical, authentic, and gives the people like me, who don't quite understand all the ins and outs of communication, hope to have a better relationship.

This book was required reading in my clinical psychology, masters level course. I was surprised to see a "popular psych" book in a graduate course but it turned out to be a great text. This book combines an academic and research perspective with accessible and easily generalized examples that can benefit anyone. Since reading it, I have significantly improved my relationship skills and use them frequently in my marriage. The self-tests, the simple practices, and the engaging writing style place this book at the top of the stack for relationship advice. This book is not just for couples in trouble--new couples or anyone looking to improve their relationship skills can benefit. I give it as a wedding gift all the time.

This book is very similar to "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert". It almost seems like a first draft of the other book. Not as well organized or clearly written. It is a very good book, but I would recommend "The Seven Principles" over this one.

About 25 years ago John Gottman, a researcher at the University of Washington, started interviewing newlyweds in his laboratory. He hooked them up to devices that measure physical responses (blood pressure, heart rate, sweat on the palms, etc.) and videotaped them while they discussed a subject that was volatile for them. What topic was sure to create a heated argument? That's the one he wanted them to talk about. He was then able to go back and study the videotapes and watch the records of blood pressure and heart rate and see how the person responded both outwardly and inwardly. And then he tracked these couples over the years. Some broke up. Some stayed together. He found something very specific that enabled him to predict, with an astoundingly high degree of accuracy, who will break up and who will stay together: How do they fight? He found four things -- four kinds of communication -- that ruin a marriage. If those four are present during an argument, the marriage is headed for disaster. His most important discovery, I think, is that it isn't the CONTENT of the fight that makes a difference, it's the PROCESS you use during an argument. If you use a lousy method of fighting, it doesn't matter if you're only arguing about a toothpaste tube, it can destroy your marriage. But with the right PROCESS -- one that avoids those four disaster-creating methods -- you can talk about a highly volatile issue like infidelity and still keep the marriage together and your love alive. When you're in an argument with your spouse, it always SEEMS that the important thing is WHAT you're arguing about. But that's not what matters. The important thing is HOW you argue. And Gottman's book tells you exactly how to avoid what doesn't work.

The author's ability to communicate his research in the first half of the book may make the book worth a read. He offers a refreshing look into marital styles, as well as problems that can creep into marriages. While this is interesting, the guidance offered for working through these difficulties is weak. The second half of the book, therefore, is not particularly interesting or helpful. My sense was that, at the time of publishing, the author had scientifically identified patterns and interactions in marriages that indicate when they are in trouble, but he had not yet identified methods to help these couples work through these problems. In addition, his identification of some differences between men and women was superficial. He seemed to have little insight into what men are motivated by, think about, or are worried about. Instead, he characterized them as sex-hungry and unable to communicate, with the solution being that women should just accept them that way. Neither the characterization nor the solution was helpful, accurate, or complete.

So many self-tests but doing them seemed worthwhile. I felt a lot better about my marriage after reading this book and evaluating the tests, as it seems a lot of what I worried about doesn't spell trouble, according to Gottman, and we seemed to be on a right track together. In areas for which the tests indicated improvement would help, it seems that focusing on a few practices goes a long way. Still, learning not to be defensive doesn't come easy. Avoiding "flooding" by calming techniques (breathe, breathe) seems to pay off a lot.

My impression is that Gottman's advice is valuable given how hard marriage can be. I appreciate that he avoids stereotypes and any system of speculations. I expect to return to this book now and then to try to keep on track.

I enjoyed reading Gottman's book, especially after I had subjected myself to reading John Gray's preachy, opinionated and stereotype-based pop-psychology treatise, "Mars and Venus on a Date". I found that Gottman's scenarios involving different couples were a positive way to review his concepts, and easy to relate to real life. His scientific approach is refreshing, humanistic and intelligently written. An earlier reviewer asserted that the information that Gottman presents is basic, but I hadn't been exposed to any of the premises before, and I am grateful that I came upon his book. I highly recommend it as a sanity check for those who are questioning their relationships.

A friend recommended that my husband and I read this book just after we got married six years ago. We did and I am so grateful to that friend for suggesting it. Knowing that how we manage conflict is the key issue for a successful marriage has been critical for us, since we have different styles of dealing with conflict. I would highly recommend it to any one who is married, whether you feel like you have difficult issues to deal with in your relationship or not.

This book is based on scientific studies of how couples actually fight rather than on any generalized theory of categorizing types. By reading his analysis I was able to see how dysfunctional interactions contributed to the breakup of my marriage and I was able to retrain myself in communication methods. This new, more aware way of communicating has worked wonders in my new relationship. It's like riding a bicycle. Once you learn how to communicate effectively it will stick with you.

This book is very applicable to anyone who is married or about to be, and it is based on scientific research. My main problem : since it is the first book the author wrote for the general public (rather than journals) he tends to treat the reader like a child and repeat every single point 4-5 times! This made the reading go a little slowly. But by skipping a few paragraphs at a time, I learned a great deal about different types of conflict-solving, and have already used my new knowledge in my relationship with my fiance!