Customer Reviews

Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others: The Fascinating Research That Can Land You the Husband of Your Dreams

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Another reader said;

"I was surprised to read that the majority of women his team interviewed at marriage license offices admitted they had to give their sweeties what amounts to an ultimatum to get him to commit. (I worry such arm-twisting might account for our high divorce rate.)"

I think this misrepresents what Molloy actually says. Molloy does not tell women to use strong arm methods - he tells women to be *honest* in a relationship. If marriage matters to them, they should be honest about that. If their man's response to a suggestion of marriage hurts them, they should be honest about *that*, as well. He does recommend that women try to be considerate in presenting their protests, but what he is basically arguing is that honesty pays. I've been married seventeen years, and seen a lot of friends' marriages do a nosedive in that time, and I think he's right.

A friend of mine from high school who recently divorced let her boyfriend/fiance walk all over her while they were dating, then while they were married, until she just couldn't take it anymore, and left him. But she didn't tell him he was hurting her until they'd been married for years! She expected him to know. I think this is far more destructive than honestly telling someone you're close to that marriage is important to you, and you're not sure you can continue the relationship if it won't lead to marriage; or that they hurt you when they dismissed your desire for marriage.

When I was dating, many, many women warned me to never mention marriage, and said they never admitted they wanted marriage, because that would chase a guy off. I felt this was dishonest and wouldn't do it. If a guy and I talked life time goals, I was always up front about the fact that I intended to get married and have kids. I never said I intended to marry *him*, but I did discuss why marriage appealed to me and etc. And I got married, while my friends who were careful not to mention marriage did not.

A friend of mine once sat me down and scolded me because every guy I'd broken up with then proceeded to get married within a year - I think this happened because Molloy is right; guys honestly *don't* think much about marriage, but when it's presented as a valid possibility during their "Age of Commitment", many of them decide the idea is appealing. He's also right about religious differences being a problem - those relationships didn't last because I ultimately wouldn't compromise on my commitments to God or my principles. Getting married was important to me, but there were other things that were more important.

One of the few points I disagree with Molloy on is his emphasis on losing weight. I don't doubt this is what the statistics show, but I'm not convinced he's getting the whole picture. I had more than one guy suggest to me that "if you'd just lose a few pounds, I'd sure like to go out with you." I would NEVER date a man who said that to me. Maybe I could diet down to the weight he preferred for a time, but everyone in my family past their thirties is overweight and dieting - I always figured my odds of being overweight as I aged were all too high, and I had no intention of getting stuck with a guy who'd hassle me over it.

Despite my weight, I talked marriage seriously with four guys before marrying a fifth - and he was the one rushing us into marriage while I was the one dragging her feet. A friend of mine who is extremely obese - under five feet tall and over 200 pounds - remarried in her forties, and she married a considerably younger man to boot! But while she is over weight, she has all the other qualities Molloy recommends - she is very kind, she kept herself up (make up and such - not overdone, but she always looked nice and dressed up for dates), she always had fun on dates, she genuinely likes people and lets them know it, she got out and about, and she has that "always on the edge of a smile" look Molloy talks about. I think one reason older overweight women are less likely to remarry is that they've given up.

Which is a valid choice, after all. Molloy's goal in this book is not to argue that marriage is the best way for everyone - his book is addressed to women who want to marry. If, after dealing with the data on typical marriages, women decide they aren't interested in pursuing marriage under those circumstances, he has still done them a service. He can help you to make an informed choice - some women may chose to actively pursue marriage, and others may decide it isn't worth it. He doesn't condemn either route.

Sheryl

I bought this book because I thought that I would learn some special insight into why I was still a single woman over 40. I don't recommend this book if you are older. The author states the obvious: 1) Men want younger women 2) If you are an over 40 woman, who is single, you better be attractive and thin more so than your younger counterparts. 3) You should marry unattractive men who get passed over by other women. 4) You should join an athelic group of some sort, go out on Singles outings etc..etc... Nothing new here to me. I have done all of the things the author suggests and I am still single going on four years. I am thin- if I get any thinner my doctor will get ticked, attractive, take care of myself and participate in many sporting activities.

Anyhow-there is no special formula here, maybe I should write a book and tell women the following:
1) Date divorced men - they are easier to get along with -
2) Stay away from players and guys who have NEVER settled down or who have a history of breaking women's hearts.
3) Love yourself enough to take care of yourself on the inside and out.

No brainers here ladies...I am done reading these dating books. Finding the love of your life is either meant to be ie, luck or it is not.

How I wish I had read this when I was still in my 30s. If you're looking for a book that is entertaining or touchy-feely, skip this one. It reports results of thousands of interviews and bares the hard cold facts--some made me feel optimistic, most were sobering but truthful and necessary to know. I was surprised to read that the majority of women his team interviewed at marriage license offices admitted they had to give their sweeties what amounts to an ultimatum to get him to commit. (I worry such arm-twisting might account for our high divorce rate.) What interested me most was the section that discussed The Stringer, the kind of fellow you date for years without any certainty of a future in terms of marriage. So you wake up in your early 40s, figure out his game, then find how very hard it is to find a man who wants to date (and marry) you who isn't a whole lot older than you (and probably more interested in you as his geriatric nurse). Molloy described stringers as "very destructive" because their M.O. can result in woman being single (and he didn't mention, childless) the rest of her life. Also, we all kind of know it and Molloy was sympathetic to the unfairness of it, but the statistics are as clear as a bell that women who let themselves get heavy put themselves in a very, very bad position to attract a man despite a few happy string bean-tomato exceptions. He included some good tips on where to go to meet men even though I'd rather stay single than devote time to model train shows or hang out in sports bars (however he did cite other places more appealing to me). Why aren't more single men going to places where women with high values tend to gravitate--churches, volunteer programs, cultural institutions, etc.? I guess it goes back his finding that they need to be pressured to grow up and commit, and singles bars are the easiest route to a fling. Reminds me of Reagan's quote, "It was women who brought men out of the caves." I wish Molloy would lay some cold facts on men in his next book, but of course which gender is it who reads books on enhancing relationships?

One of my single girlfriends and I (I'm married, 6 years this month) paged through this book at the bookstore the other day. If you want a laugh, it's great. If you're looking for sound advice, get another book.

The one thing people need to understand about John Molloy is that his so called "scientific studies" are bogus. He uses insanely small sample sizes, anecdotal information, and non-scientifically-selected subjects to come up with his conclusions. In a country of 360 MILLION people, I imagine you could come up with a few hundred people who married their spouse because they shared a love of online fantasy games and green chile enchiladas. Compared to the general population, his sample sizes are smaller than miniscule and therefore, the sweeping conclusions he makes are basically worthless. Anyone who's ever taken Statistics 101 can figure that out. You know that saying that there are three types of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics? That statement is never more true than when applied to this book.

Secondly, the conclusions he comes to "scientifically" are completely ridiculous. If you want to get married, be thin, make a good first impression and make marriage a priority. WOW! What a revelation! My single friend said "if only it was that simple." She is thin, beautiful and accomplished, and after a failed marriage 7 years ago has had no luck getting married since. She makes a great first impression and makes her living off that as a salesperson. According to Molloy, she should be beating men away with a stick and fending off marriage proposals daily. But sadly, that's not the case. Whereas I am a loud, brassy, overweight woman who probably comes across as outre when people first meet me, and I've been happily married for six years.

If you really, REALLY want to get married, here is my advice. I am giving it out FREE here on Amazon so people don't give John Molloy any more money for his silly books. Are you ready? Here it is:
- Don't sit at home. Get out and meet people. If you live in a city of any size, there will be groups of people who assemble to participate in activities you would enjoy - everything from stargazing through telescopes to needlepoint. If you don't feel comfortable joining mixed-sex groups, join women's groups. Other women have friends, brothers, sons, etc. who you may like very much. The bottom line is GET OUT THERE. Sitting at home will NOT enable you to meet anyone you'd be interested in.
- Make a list of the things you want in a partner, and then a list of your deal-breakers. Then go back over the list of your deal-breakers and really examine it. If it's more than 7-10 items long, you are probably being too picky. Just because someone is bald, or likes sci-fi, or hates Indian food does not mean they are not a wonderful person who would be a caring partner. When I met my husband, he smoked. I HATE smoking. He also had a few other habits that drove me crazy. But I could see past those to the wonderful, fabulous person he is. I could see he was great husband material (and believe me, you should evaluate people as potential spouses EARLY - don't feel shallow for doing so). I stuck with him, and just a couple of years into the relationship, he quit smoking. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met and I could not ask for a more loyal, faithful, caring, funny and intelligent man to be my husband. I am not talking about ignoring personality traits like "he beats me" or "he's drunk all the time." I'm talking about trying to look past the "Seinfeld" or "Sex and the City" criteria for dating. "I can't keep dating him, he has long nose hairs." So what? If he's a caring, stable person, he can clip his nose hairs. But a shiftless, abusive guy with good grooming can't change his personality.
- Here's the most important one. Love yourself. Invest in yourself. Even if you weigh 300 lbs, you should be getting your hair done, buying flattering clothes that fit you, and walking around with your head held high. I have been chunky all my life but I dated plenty in high school and college, because I decided early on that I felt good about myself and I was going to have a personality that attracted people to me, even if my looks didn't. My husband wasn't even the first guy who wanted to marry me, and believe me, I don't meet any of Molloy's "criteria." It's not because I am dazzlingly beautiful or I have a compliant personality. I am funny and smart, and I love to laugh and have a good time. That's attractive to anyone. (I also have a healthy self-esteem, if you couldn't tell. :) Don't let one or two jerks, or this book, tell you your marriage prospects are hopeless if you're overweight or not traditionally beautiful or you care about your career. You are a great person and you deserve love. Now go out and get it!

Contrary to what many believe, the trip to the altar is a dance that the woman must lead. Molloy's guide to leading that dance is based on research rather than pop psychology or the lives of a few people. The results are impressive: more than half of the single female researchers involved in the studies were married within three years. Many of them had given up on finding a mate.

The book contains findings that repeat what your grandmother might have told you (but run contrary to popular belief). Molloy all but comes out and states that living together isn't a step toward marriage. Also, men may date sexpots, but marry respectable types. An obvious finding: don't waste your time on a married man. I had pictured mistresses as immoral but beautiful, spoiled young women who eventually wrecked someone's home and lived a life of comfort. In reality, the researchers came away calling these women the world's biggest fools. What some of the "other women" did during the study may surprise you.

Other facts surprised me as well. Men look for different qualities, and react to women differently, at different stages of life. And I was shocked that so many women would even consider cleaning their boyfriend's apartment.

The book was disappointing in some ways, though. Having spent many years as an image consultant, he gives a lot of advice on improving your appearance. I doubt that many women will go to the lengths he suggests. Although many women could stand some improvement in this slovenly era we live in, I don't think that's the main reason so many women can't find husbands. To paraphrase Sam Cooke, if we could meet `em, we could get `em. Molloy says that men get married only after they leave the "singles scene." He then suggests women look for a husband no later than around age 28, while they can still circulate comfortably in...the singles scene. He really doesn't say where men go after they leave the singles scene, except that the gym is the best place to meet men over 40, women should network with friends, etc.

While this book has some useful information, it was difficult to read without getting depressed. It treats marriage like the Holy Grail, and presents the findings with little humor. Nevertheless, it has given me some ideas to try. And if they don't work, I'll still be happily single.

I read some of Molloy's other books in the distant past, and was impressed, so I checked this out. If the topic of how men proceed or don't proceed toward the altar interests you, this book will open your eyes up. A lot of research went into the book, and it was guided a lot by women who were among Molloy's researchers who themselves wanted to get married.

Some guys, according to Molloy, become interested in marriage when they no longer fit comfortably into the singles scene. Because they have matured beyond the girls who are still in the singles scene, or the girls in the singles scene start to look at those guys as outsiders who no longer belong in the singles scene.

In this book he destroys the notion that women over 40 have a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than married, when he relates that he thought the statement was absurd, and looked at the statistics, and saw that nine percent of women who got married in 1980 were forty or older.

Molloy sees men being ready for marriage or not being ready for marriage. When a guy is fresh out of college, he may well want to enjoy his freedom for a couple of years. So he will not be ready to settle down for a while. A woman who wants to get married will concentrate on guys who are ready to get married.

Most men proposed only after pressure was applied by the prospective bride, and Molloy argues that if that pressure is not applied that many of the women would not have gotten married. It seems that there is a natural readiness period, and if the proposal doesn't take place in that period, then it won't happen. And it is up to the woman to push it along in many cases, if it is to happen. Molloy suggests that some pressuring is good, and other pressuring is bad. E.g., "I will find someone else if you don't marry me," seems to make the man defensive and uncooperative.

I am a straight unmarried guy, and read this because I find the topic interesting. But there is a lot of material that would be useful for women who want to land a husband. There is nothing that focuses specifically on getting a husband of your dreams, per se, but there is material to help you assess whether a current "Mr. Right" is a waste of time (and time destroys mate-finding opportunities!). Or how to proceed with a Mr. Right to optimize your chances of a marriage him.

A great book.

I was "that" girl for many years...you know, the one that men dated right before they up and married someone else. Then, about a year ago, I met the man of my dreams. In a effort to not screw it up again, I ran out and read every relationship book I could get my hands on. I read this one in one sitting--right at the bookstore. The author puts the power for your relationship back in your hands and makes you feel OK about wanting to get married, which was my problem for years. I seriously believed I was supposed to act like I didn't care about getting married. Turns out I was attracting guys who didn't want to marry me. Go figure. I read the book, followed the advice and am getting married next year. Now I bought copies of if for all of my single friends. It's not a "how-to" guide, but if you read the research and listen to the advice, it makes perfect sense.

I am one who found this book extremely powerful and down to earth, especially the section about marrying over the age of 40 and how men look at relationships differently as they get older. Unlike some of the reviewers here, I thought the book's information was empowering, gave me encouragement that I really had a lot of influence in finding and building a relationship.

My fiance and I are in our mid- late-40s, never been married but not because we had never had any other opportunity. We're both well-educated, and in decent shape physically and have good careers. I have been focused on my education and my career and extracurricular interests and other relationships just didn't seem to work or it was just bad timing, etc. I've seen many of my past mistakes in Molloy's book.

One way Molloy was helpful was in outlining who the eligible men truly are. This was a great help in focusing when I went online to find someone. I wanted someone who was interested in history and the outdoors found one. It's been a strong tie that has bound us together.

Another way the book was invaluable was in delineating when a relationship has long-term promise or is bound for a dead end. Watching out for these sometimes subtle signs has actually allowed me to relax in this relationship, which probably worked in my favor. Women often try too hard in relationships, anyway, but with the right guy you actually don't have to try too much. You can be in the relationship with confidence, which prevents a good man from feeling too pressured and bailing out and, in makes him in my case, more likely to propose. And relaxing allows you to check and see if your values and lifestyles are truly compatible. But, again, though, the point is that women have to keep their eyes open and bail if they have to.

I did go against Molloy, however, in that we moved in together over a year after we had met. I agree that in some instances, that probably isn't a good idea, but for us it worked. For women, it is important to be upfront about what their expectations are, as Molloy emphasizes. I bluntly told my then-boyfriend that I expected to get a proposal within a reasonable amount of time and wasn't going to settle for being one of those couples who just lived together for years on end. He was startled at my bluntness but agreed and here I am: engaged, about a year or so after he moved in. And I didn't have to beg him to do it, which is extremely gratifying.

So, ladies, don't feel discouraged! I wish you all the best in your future search for a special one.

John Molloy is a marketing strategist. In this book he explains how to increase your chances of marriage by analyzing the results of a number of surveys he conducted on married women, single women and men. The result is not a "how to" book but rather an examination of cause and effect. It explains the actions that the married women took in order to secure a mate, as well as the actions that those who are unable to find a mate have in common. This allows you to figure out the behaviours that are decreasing your chances of finding a husband. It identifies which men are statistically more likely to propose. The book also explains what it is that makes men want to marry some women and why they reject others, again, by examining the common behavioral patterns of the women in each group.

There is no pop psychology here. The source information is an empirical body of information- the statistical results of a marketing survey. Each chapter ends with bullet point, bottom line information, which eliminates any "fluff" in the preceding chapter. Although there is nothing novel in the survey's findings (take care of yourself, go where the men are etc), the information is presented in a refreshing no nonsense way. This is the book's greatest asset. You get the bottom line in an easily digestible format. It's not a book about kindred souls, feelings, games and meant to be's. It gives you a practical, no nonsence strategy for increasing your chances of marriage.

As a single man, I found this book to be very useful and informative, even though it is ostensibly written for a female audience. Molloy's research seems solid, and his recommendations are based on hard statistics rather than Oprah-ish platitudes. One chapter I found particularly interesting was his detailed analysis of all the stages of a romantic relationship from casual dating to marriage. He points out that the cooling-off period after the starry-eyed, wildly-in-love phase -- which is the point at which many people break up -- is actually a natural and necessary part of this progression. I wish I had known this before my last relationship! Molloy also does a very good job of explaining -- in a straightforward, dispassionate manner accessible to men -- the needs and expectations women bring to a relationship, and the problems the two sexes can have in communicating with each other. I recommend this book for any man who wants to better understand the woman in his life.