on March 19, 2004
I've read a lot of relationship self help books including "The Rules". This books is excellent. This book is for those women who have, yes...been burned or who have a tendency to lose themselves in a relationship. If you've been with someone for years and everything is fine..then you don't need help. If you've a string of great relationships then you probably don't need this book either. Unfortunately for many women out there...they have been burned or have a tendency to bend over backwards for a man and lose their self respect for the sake of their relationship. This book is for these women. It can serve as a tool for internalizing positive messages and methods for not being conducive for trampling via feet.
Argov emphasies the time tested idea that you come first before anyone else. I've noticed that it is men who have given low marks to this book moreso than women. Once your read this book for yourself, you might see why. However, There are specific "tactics" she explains. It is far from trickery. And as even men have responded...her tactics work. Call them what you will, but there is little interaction between people which doesn't involve at least a little pre-planning, special manuvering, or cunning. Is this to say that when we read books about business...that those books are terrible because they use "trickery", manuvering and cunning to achieve company goals? Come on.
Someone else mentioned that they didn't agree with a chapter about "faking an orgasm". Don't listen to that. Obviously that person did not even read the book or is not very bright because in that chapter, Argov is cleary making fun of the concept. She writes "I don't recommend that a woman fake an orgasm. This little lesson is a satire on the pressures women feel to perform...It is much more of a turn-on to a man when a woman is able to be herself and she's honest about what she likes and dislikes."(71)
Finally, this book is not about playing games. Its about putting yourself first and taking responsibility for your own happiness, health, financial well-being, and rhythm. It is empowering and should be given to every woman who is having difficulty putting themself first and has a streak of nonfullfilling or short relationships (due to trying to be someone they are not or simply attracting feet).
on January 23, 2004
As a man who read this book, I have a new understanding of how and why my last girlfriend acted the way she did. She must have read this book!
I have to say, I chased after her, just like the book says a man will do if you follow the rules it describes. But, (and this is a big BUT), eventually, I got tired of chasing her. Eventually I came to the huge realization that I didn't want to live the rest of my life this way, under her thumb, with her making all the rules for our relationship.
Women have put up with men that act this way, and it drives you crazy, doesn't it? Don't you hate it when a guy doesn't call and acts like other things are more important than you are? This book could just as well have been written for men, and been titled, "Why Women Love Jerks."
As I read this book, I thought that if everyone, men and women alike, followed the rules contained in it, this world would be full of a lot of single people. Mainly because it's all about one person in the relationship (in this case, women) acting aloof, not chasing men, and not showing men that they're afraid to lose them. If both sexes acted this way, no one would get in a relationship because both would never chase the other. (In the hopes that the other one will first. It's not going to happen!)
All in all, this book seems to be written for women who have been hurt badly in the past and don't want to be hurt (or at least show that they're hurt) again. Anyone who has ever had the good fortune to have been in a GOOD relationship would never think of treating their mate like Sherry Argov suggests.
I gave this book 2 stars, because what's in it WILL work. But if you have to use "trickery" like this to get a man to chase you, you'll get a relationship to match. It's better to be honest with one another. If it doesn't work out, then move on until you find that NICE person who will treat you right, "games" or not!
Firstly, in this book BITCH means Babe In Total Control Of Herself.
She gives you priciples not 'rules' to transform from ignored or taken for granted doormat to relentlessly pursued dreamgirl, who is independent, strong, and not needy.
Initially, I wondered if Sherry is a guy, because she is so onto us. To her credit she did interview many men, to get these deep insights. In fact she has compiled our secret playbook.
I wonder if it is a good thing to have too many of our deep secrets in female hands, because it forces us to change our lazy relationship ways.
There is a self improvement principle - you teach people how to treat you. So do what you have always done, and get what you always got, or teach them how to treat you right.
So when Sherry suggests, acting a little aloof at first, this may seem counterintuitive, but it works. Staying out of relationship mode for a while, bypasses our natural defenses, and it works. Not giving away your personal power by being too much of a pleaser works. Communicating succinctly, I like that one.
Probably the most important lesson from this book is the importance of communication. A woman who calls a guy on his behavior, is showing several powerful things, she demonstrates higher value by not accepting bad behavior, she is not afraid to convey her feelings even if this might offend the guy, she is not timid and unassertive, she keeps the lines of communication honest, and open.
You will win some and lose some by following the advice in this book. Following this advice too rigidly will not work. It is a matter of finding a balance, and using what works for you. Think of this book as training wheels.
This book, is very good, and I probably should not recommend it but I do.
The bit about faking the orgasm, some reviewers don't like. As Sherry is a stand up comedian, this piece is just supposed to be humorous. In reality, you are teaching the guy that is he is already good enough, whereas some improvement might be required.
Some of the anecdotal advice is funny but extreme. The booty call guy left standing in the rain outside his apartment got his just desserts, but the red panties in the laundry tactic was too much.
My personal opinion, is we men are not that smart at non verbal communication, so things need to be spelled out more.
We also have a limited capacity for processing verbal information, in fact we go into safety shut down after about 30 seconds of talking. After that point, we just nod and grunt as if we are following along. I hope you find this review helpful, and the book enjoyable.
on March 6, 2004
This is such a great book that I've been recommending it to all of my female friends and family. It illustrates to you why your relationships current and past have failed miserably and lets you know what you're doing wrong as well as how to approach it from a better standpoint.
Basically, the author explains that women have been taught to be nurturers; A woman finds a man worth loving, showers everything and anything on them and *surprise!* they're abandoned. Why does this happen? Because women expect men to give back what they're giving them and it just doesn't work that way -- at least not in the beginning of any relationship -- it has to be built to that point (my parents were like this after years of marriage.) This extreme generosity on womens' parts comes across as if they're strictly living for their man's happiness (sometimes that's true, too, unfortunately) and unfortunately that tells the man that they're doormats. Plain and simple.
The book explains that men want an independent woman. They don't want a mother, a babysitter or a slave -- they lose interest in them way too fast and the mystery is gone. Sounds easy enough to understand but if you read the examples and follow a few tips you'll be very surprised with the results.
For example, the old telephone bit. DON'T wait by the telephone for the guy you're seeing. Go out, have a life outside of him and call back when it fits YOUR schedule, not his. Don't rearrange your plans around him and most of all don't leave all decisions up to him. I've had friends I'm with that when the phone rings, they ignore all their guests to go suck up to the guy they're after on the phone. Wrong. You make time for your man when you have the time -- not stopping your life.
The two things I was surprised to discover is: 1.) Women have been taught in the past that appearance is everything they need to find a man -- and nothing else matters. No wonder women have been treated like doormats! If personality and ambition are ignored there's nothing left but appearance and 2.) Women need to be taught to have a life outside of their boyfriends/mates/husbands. Women have been taught by society that they need a man to complete their lives SO MUCH that they end up desperate and it shows to the man they're dating. Plus, it's the reason you feel that emptiness in a relationship -- you've lived so much for him that you forgot about yourself. It's really sad when you realize how passive society has made women unconsciously or consciously and you need to take that back.
I'll give you an example I used: A guy who asked me out called me up and said: "Well, you can drive over here since I'm closer to where we're going." The passive/old me who was desperate would say: "Okay! Anything to make you happy because God forbid, I don't want to lose you -- that's how desperate I am." What I said instead was: "No, you asked me out so come pick me up." Lo and behold what did he do? He picked me up. Don't be afraid to put your foot down -- of course, be cool about it, not nasty and it ALWAYS works.
Making plans? Don't drop them because he asked you out, plan around him. I have a friend who lives for her boyfriend and really could use this book but she's so far gone that I've given up hope. I can't tell you how many times she's cancelled on me at the last second because he decided he wanted to go out at that time. Wrong. You hate when your friends do that to you and you're disgusted with them for their attitudes -- so why on earth would you do it? Besides, he's more likely to call back when you don't offer everything on a platter at once -- including your heart; You lose mystery with him when you do that and he loses interest.
Then we come to a very important chapter: If he knows you're not putting him in a cage -- he'll try and put you in one. This is where the mother/babysitter aspect comes in. He calls the shots -- with everything. What movies you watch, where you go, how you live your life and quite frankly this is where women get into relationships and suddenly realize they're unhappy -- but don't know why. It's because they've made themselves become little slaves to their men's happiness and they're not getting it back. In my opinion, if you're in this kind of a relationship it's hardly fixable but there are ways around that. Another example in the book was one woman let a man do his wash at her place and he ended up expecting her to do it all the time. He would just bring it over and not even ask. So, one time she dropped a pair of red panties in with his whites and when everything came out pink she said: "Oh, I'm just not good at this kind of thing." What was the result? He said: "You are NEVER doing my wash again." Problem solved.
In fact, I gave this to my mother (who is a widow dating) and she was very surprised to realize how much advantage her boyfriend was taking over her. He would plan parties at HER HOUSE and she would do all the cooking and he never helped her pay for any of it. When she began to protest, he fought her on it. What ended up happening is she booted him out the door. In some instances, like I said, it's not fixable. But, was he worth keeping? She decided "No" and she has told me she is much happier.
Have a guy tell you that he wants to see you and other people? Don't get on the floor and beg for him -- tell him: "Don't let the door hit you on the ***. I had one guy do that to me. We went out and he told me that he was going to see this girl he knew at work. So, when we were driving back to my place I said: "I understand about your needs to see other people," and he nodded and got this smile on his face. Then I said: "So since you're going to see someone else on Saturday I just wanted you to know that I have a date, too." That smile melted off his face so fast I could have died laughing. What ended up happening? He was so distracted by the fact that I was going out on a date that he didn't enjoy his at all. The VERY next morning he called immediately and asked if I wanted to go out. I hemmed and hawed and said: "Well, I'm pretty tired from last night, so no, but I can go out Monday evening." I was showered with attention Monday. Trust me - it works.
Now, in defense of some of the male postings here (which make me laugh of course) NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS. But unfortunately, there are guys out there who are. Think of this book as a great guideline to weed those out. If guys like this are playing games, the best thing to do is to play YOUR WAY. You may not end up with the right guy if you have to but your self esteem won't be shot in the end when it's over and that little player will have learned something. Real men DON'T play these games, but do love independence in women.
The only chapter I don't agree with would be the one on faking an orgasm once you get to an intimate point in the relationship. If you can't be honest with your lover and are more worried about his ego then you're setting a trap for yourself. Healthy, sexual relationships are all about honesty -- each of you telling each other what you want. Neither one of you are going to figure it out eventually. That never happens. I got this info from "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom" which you can find on Amazon.com. Explain what works, what doesn't, don't be harsh about it and it will all fall into place. Trust me on this one.
So get this book if you've had your heart broken too many times. Remember, not all guys are like this but you can figure out which ones are (and... have a little fun with them in the meantime *devil grin here*) Real men don't play games with women and you'll figure out the real men from the weasels with this book. A MUST READ for you women out there sick of the games -- play them your own way! And trust me, it works!
on March 1, 2012
I saw many good and bad reviews on this book, and otherself help books for women (like "The Rules"). And I agree with both sides. I have been burned myself - who hasnt. What this and many other self-help books teach women is to realize what they are doing. As women, we have a tendency to cling, to become needy, to serve, to nurture, to take care, to do everything for somebody else, to completely disolve in other person. This is especially evident when a woman has a baby and I believe is nature's way to provide nurturing environment for the newborn. This is a very natural reaction for a woman, she wants to disolve in another person because of how she feels toward that person, however she has a certain expectation when she does it. That the other person will love her back, will care for her and appreciate her. What she doesn't understand is that the men psychology is WAY different. They find themselves suffocating in this relationship and go aloof due to needing space. They also start trying to rationalize the woman's behavior, and often come up with understanding that she is a little crazy, or insecure. The woman feels him distancing, starts to feel abandoned, rejected, hurt, and tries to fix it by trying to get closer to him, scaring him off in the process even more. It's a cycle that needs to be broken! By a woman!
This is where a book like this comes in handy. All you got to do is go get a life! Go do other things! Whatever they are! Stop putting him on a pedestal, no matter how much you love him. Give him some space and leave him alone no matter how bad you want to be with him. As soon as you get busy doing your own things, you will notice him missing you. And, no, don't be a bitch to him. When he misses you - you two can figure out when to spend time together. Just don't drop all your activities for him, cause then you will end up in the same place - completely all over him. Just remember that his needs are not your needs. He can't meet all your needs. You have to do that yourself. Stop putting pressure on him. Live a complete, fulfilled life whether he is there or not. And when you are fulfilled, you are happy. And he will want to be with you because you are happy!
on May 16, 2010
When you meet the real deal, the timing will be right, the circumstance will be right, and you won't have to play games. When you meet the real deal, they will call you when they say they will, you will call them back, and you won't have to worry if it's been 3 days or not. When you meet the real deal, you will be at a place in your life where you are ready to fall in love, real love, because you really love yourself, and therefore will be able to give love in return. There will be no red flags, there will be no lies, just openness and honesty. Your best bet is to take care of your whole self, live to your highest purpose, and know that everyone in this world has a light - and make sure yours shines as brightly as possible. Before you know it, when you are having a ton of fun by yourself, when you've been working out and eating healthy, stopping your self-sabotaging ways of drinking/drugs/toxic friendships/etc. and happy with yourself, 100%, looking and FEELING sexy & beautiful from head to toe on the inside and out, one day you'll look up and they will be right there. Real love is out there, you deserve the best, don't settle for less.
Get an education, get a career you feel great about, and support yourself. There's nothing more empowering than knowing you paid for that cute new outfit you're wearing or have all that money in the bank because YOU made it. Not relied on someone else to.
Just like you should ask only a rich man and not a poor one for advice on how to make money, you should only ask friends who are in authentic, truly happy relationships for love advice. Don't ask your single friends or married eh/bored/miserable friends to get to their sub-par status. They are where they are for a reason. Look up. Not down.
Why deal with level 4's when you're a 10? Granted, the ratio of men out there to women is often unfair, especially here in NYC, but settling just to have someone is not the strong choice.
Like attracts like. This book is about being a player. Guess what it's going to attract?
Guys have Neil Strauss' "The Game." That book isn't about getting love. It's about getting something else. I'd love to see a bestseller book out there for guys about getting real love. The one that supports you even when you fail, the one that forgives you when you mess up, the one that is there for you no matter what. It's like the traditional wedding vows say - patient, kind, not boastful, arrogant, proud. And real relationships take real work, it's another full-time job in many ways and you get what you put into it.
In short, know that while no one is perfect, that doesn't mean you can't find the person who is perfect for you. And when you meet the real deal, you'll be so happy with them, you'll forget this book ever existed.
Single girls, all I can say is keep your standards. Not the kind that are in delirium high-sky range, but the kind that avoids the dudes who are just no good for you. Notice red flags when you see them and accept them.
But most of all don't give up! :)
on August 22, 2005
I was frustrated with a previous failed relationship when I bought this book and as I started to read it, I felt empowered again and thought I'd conquered my feelings of failure in love, etc. I was ready for the next one to come along and couldn't wait to try these techniques. As you know it, he did come along and I was more smitten than I expected to be. He was very much into me and there was amazing chemistry. I found myself wanting to let my guard down, however I thought if I followed some of these techniques, I could save myself from potential heartache and "nice girl" no no's (as it talks about in the book) etc... and it worked for the first month like a charm, he called me all of the time, began to open-up to me and always wanted to see me. However, not long after that, he eventually got tired of chasing me and disappeared. I was heart broken and knew deep inside I made a big mistake... there is a limit to everything. He wanted more of me as a person and I didn't want to trust it. I was crazy about him and realized had I only been myself; open and responsive, honest and not playing games.. he may not have left the way he did or at all. Be careful when reading this book... I followed it closely with common sense, however a little too closely and lost what may have been a potentially wonderful relationship. Read this for fun as it is a funny read and there are some places that are helpful, however don't take it literally. Just be yourself... men can sense fakeness and don't like begging after a woman... just know what you want and trust your own instincts, please!
on September 18, 2002
Sherry Argov is awesome! I've read a lot of relationship books and this is the first one that makes any real-life sense. Have you ever noticed how when you're not interested in a guy, you can't get him to leave you alone??! But the ones that you ARE into constantly play games.
This book essentially teaches you how to reverse that pattern. The author shows you how to get the guy you want to chase after you, instead of the other way around. The best part is that it requires almost no effort on your part!
This book really works. It was tough at first to follow the advice, because I kept wanting to try to please him. But we all know that men aren't like women, they don't appreciate all you do for them and they take it for granted. As soon as I stopped acting interested, he got his act together. Now he's calling all the time, taking me out to dinner, chasing after me . . . and I just sit back and enjoy it!
on November 13, 2002
at first i thought i don't even want to buy a book with this title. what if someone sees me reading it...but i quickly got over that after flipping through some of the pages and seeing some of the common mistakes i've made. as a black woman a lot of the advice she gives is some of the stuff i've heard from my mother (who's been married to my daddy for 30 yrs) but with so many sources (magazines, talks shows, friends, self help books, church, etc) telling you what to do to get a guy to act right it's just confusing. don't let the title fool you...this is a funny book that is dead on about how to get a guy to treat you the way you want to be treated through your own smart choices.
on July 23, 2006
I needed to hear this advice about a year and a half ago, when I was doing all the nice girl/doormat behavior. It would have made dating a lot more enjoyable. Now that I'm in a relationship (and have been for a year and a half), the advice is not quite as valuable as before.
I love how the author holds you accountable for your dignity. You should never be trampled on; never be misused. With my last boyfriend, this book would have probably earned at least a modicum of respect. Of COURSE you shouldn't give up your hobbies to be with a man, or your friends or your family or your life, but it happens so NATURALLY for so many women. Men apparently bluff better, and their "take it or leave it attitude" frightens so many of us. This book is for those women. I am occasionally still that woman, which is why I bought it now.
However, I disagree with some tactics she recommends, especially the entire "Dumb Like A Fox" chapter. If your man is such a caveman that he really needs this ego stroking and helpless-girl manipulation, then is it worth having him? If so, by all means, follow these guidelines. I tried changing my usual brief "thanks," after reading this chapter to a swooning, "Oh, you are SUCH a clever man! How can you DO this?" And I felt like an idiot, because it was an insult to his dignity, and he realized it. I am glad she has such tips as always remembering you are a catch, always remembering to "treat yourself like a prize," because I still need these reminders, but take some of her advice with a grain of salt, because no matter how she sugar coats it, it still often boils down to manipulation.