on February 7, 2007
I respectfully disagree with the previous reviewer who said that Argov's first book was better. As a guy, I thought the exact opposite: "Why Men MARRY Bitches" gives women much more sorely-needed advice.
This book is not about marriage. It's about why single women don't enter relationships that progress, and would be a good read for single and married women.
From a male's perspective, I was amazed at how well it gets into the minds of men and tells women what makes us want to be exclusive, what makes us lose interest in other women, what we respect... "marry" nails it from a man's perspective. The first book Argov talks about things that are obvious and predictable, like whether or not to sleep with the guy on the first date. "Why Men MARRY Bitches" talks about how a guy will test a girl, how he may manipulate her to keep the relationship casual, how a guy might lead her to believe he's interested in committing and then do the "holding pattern" with the "I'm really busy with work" excuses. The advice in the last chapter on what a women should say to a guy when it isn't progressing is outstanding. It tells women why things don't progress, and that's where most women need help. They have no problem catching a guy, it's keeping him around where it gets messed up and that's why "Why Men Marry Bitches" is superior.
Also, I can confirm Argov would have no way of knowing the things she discloses in this book unless she actually sat down and interviewed us men. I found myself saying under my breath, "Who told her this?" on almost every page. I was blown away by the discussions of how men are made to feel they are "filling a position" when a women talks about "wanting to get married" (but doesn't matter to whom). It is such valuable information for women to read.
I also think the chapter called "Wanted Joe Paycheck" in "Why Men Marry Bitches" is brilliant. Argov describes that a guy won't mind paying for a dinner, but we won't attach himself to a woman who has the "attitude of entitlement." There are really good examples about women planning the excessive wedding arrangements, a woman who quits her job without consulting with her fiance, and so on....it's something EVERY SINGLE woman needs to educate herself on if she wants to keep a guy around because we will not commit if we feel like an ATM machine.
There's no question most women don't even know how they are being perceived by men. So they are trying to get respect but don't know how. I like and respect women, and think they should be treated with respect, which is what the author is teaching women to demand.
I gave "Why Men Marry Bitches" five stars. If I could, I would give this book six. It's a very "real" book that is also entertaining and funny--and both men and women should absolutely pick it up.
on March 23, 2011
A "Filler Girl", in my humble definition, is the girl that a guy keeps around for the sole purpose of just, well, keeping her around. For no reason, really... Except maybe sex, and that's it. The Filler Girl is usually the girl who was asked out not even a month after the guy's break-up with another girl (She's the "rebound girl", in other words.)... Or maybe she's the girl who asks the guy out, and while the guy isn't too crazy about her, she seems easy enough to keep him company until he's sick of her. You are tortured by endless hours of worrying that he's cheating on you, or if he's still in love with an old lover/friend, or if he even loves you as much as you love him...
Stop. Stop being that Filler Girl, and start being the MAIN Girl that the guy actually WANTS. I was once the Filler Girl... I was desperate, easy (not in a sexual way, but like, just how easy it was for me to agree with everything he says), and I guess, boring... Not remarkable in any way. I would try to be the perfect girlfriend for the guys that I liked... Only to realize that, while their hand is in mine, their heart was in some other girl...
I decided that after getting my heart smashed into pieces (and messing up potentially life-lasting relationships and even friendships), I've decided to change my route. I brought this book and started to read the whole book as fast as I could. Some pages made me gasp in shock, but I pressed on... As each chapters went by, I know realized what my issues were and now I am able to grasp what I should do and say instead if I'm EVER going to find a guy who will want to settle down with me. Granted, I'm only 20, so I do have some time ahead... But, I would just love to have a serious, long-term relationship with someone for some years until we get engaged, get married, and be happy together for good. The book was so good that now I'm re-reading it again the second time to really absorb everything. I like that the author doesn't want the reader to play games, but rather, stop the games that men play before they even begin. Be nice until the other guy disrespects, then go ahead and push him away. The more you pull away, the more they come after you... And as I sit here, I realize how true that saying is, as I remember all the times I would pull away from families, friends, and even lovers because I felt like I needed to be alone, and they all just RAN AFTER ME! It's crazy, right?
So stop being the Filler Girl. Stop being that girl who the guy SETTLED for when he couldn't get with that other girl instead... Stop being his booty call. Stop being the girl he isn't enthusiastic about... Be the girl he wants, the girl he would write songs about, the girl who he thinks about all the time... You're all wonderful ladies who deserve that kind of love that you've always wanted. And with this book, you can get that kind of love, and more. :)
PS- The ONLY thing I disagree about this book was when the author wrote that for every time the guy calls you, to not pick up 100% of the time. I mean, it's weird she would say that when in the book she says not to put up with a guy who doesn't pick up the phone, or take a few hours to get back to you. Basically... DON'T PLAY GAMES LIKE THIS UNTIL THE OTHER GUY DOES IT, AND WHEN HE DOES, PLAY IT RIGHT BACK. That is all.
on June 12, 2012
I love this book! I was married for 21 years and my first husband treated me like a door mat! I got used, abused and everything in between. I finally divorced him and started dating again. I met a guy and I fell in love. However, I noticed that over a period of time he started acting shady, treating me like I was insignificant and we began break-up & make-up cycles, etc. I always went back because I loved him and I was hooked but he didn't love me.
I realized that there was something that "I" was doing wrong not the men. I got this book and it struck home! I was way too nice to men. I started using the techniques in this book and it changed everything. It was so invigorating! My boyfriend had been taking me for granted until I turned the table on him. He became a changed man right before my eyes. He didn't know what to think. This was a man who in the past had told me he didn't love me, he was NEVER gonna get married again, and treated me like I was a side dish.
I gave him some distance, stopped calling, made a couple of dates & then pulled a disappearing act and then ignored his calls, cancelled at the last minute...etc. Also, told him I was busy instead of being available "every" time he wanted to see me... which the book suggests. I stopped treating him like HE was my life.
However, I was never mean. I just treated him how he had treated me in the past. As a result, he started treating me like a queen! He begged to move in with me, couldn't stop calling me, doing things for me, buying me things, cooking dinners...AND professing his love for me. Ha! Ha!Ha!
I also, stood my ground and told him that I was a traditional woman and didn't like living with a man without being married. Guess what? He proposed! Who would have thought that I could have the man of my dreams by changing...myself. Oh, I did a lot of praying too! Lol!
I have recommended this book to my married AND single female friends. I love my new husband. He's NOTHING like the man he was before because I'm NOTHING like the woman I was before. He's also confided in me that one of the reasons why he fell in love with me was because I wouldn't let him get away with anything!
Sherry's book is hilarious & easy to read. I actually read it twice! I'm certain that every woman who is currently in a relationship, or desires to be in one will find this book very helpful.
on May 30, 2006
I don't read self-help books. I certainly don't read female-oriented-self-help books. But Why Men Marry Bitches is a true gem. Trust the source - I must admit to having played (read: past tense) the field as well as the best of men, and was truly amazed at the level of depth and the extraordinary microscope used by Ms. Argov. Hey guys - who gave her the keys anyway?
With a keen sense of a seasoned analyst, expertise that clearly comes from interviewing Real Men, and a heck of a great sense of humor, Ms. Argov delivers an instant classic. I can't admit to all she finds about us, but I must admit to most of it. And being one clever woman, she not only exposes what we do (sometime subconsciously), but also provides a project plan for women to achieve what they want. And since I am out of circulation I can be a traitor and say to all you women: Go get that book - you'll laugh a lot, learn a lot, and maybe put her advice to use. Hey guys - go get the book as well, maybe we can learn how to change the strategy...
The good news is that comedian Sherry Argov's relationship-advice focused "Why Men Marry Bitches" is an improvement on the dating-focused "Why Men Love Bitches." Her basic premise of men wanting self-confident, assertive, and competent women is dead on, and several of the 75 "relationship principles" are quite accurate. The bad news is that the majority of her advice is not only bad but potentially outright destructive to the majority of modern relationships. I come up with 3 stars after averaging a worthy 5 for the message of self-esteem with a 1 for some utterly bone-headed assumptions.
On the positive side, Argov's basic message is quite sound. To quote the author, "men want a competent woman who can think for herself, handle her business, take charge, and tell him to knock off the foolishness," and many of the 75 points explain exactly why this is the case. Some advice is dead on accurate; dressing for success, being yourself, realizing that you can't change someone, making sure you're happy with who you are and "standing up for what you believe in a decent and honest way" are all really good points that tackle some basic mistakes women who aren't experienced in relationships (and some who are) make. The underlying message of self-respect comes through loud and clear; unsurprisingly, the basic premise of "if a woman thinks all she has to offer is sex...(she's less desirable)" is the backbone of an entire chapter. Good stuff.
Where it fails miserably is her relationship advice. In fairness, there the occasional nugget or two like "Just like women can't get too many compliments, a man can't get too much appreciation for his contribution." Any number of psychologists will tell you the same but far more murkily, and warning women about an "attitude of entitlement" scaring men away is a valuable insight.
Unfortunately, Argov's knowledge of the opposite gender appears limited to confirming what she's heard from other women about men rather than rather than the much harder task of trying to put herself in men's shoes. Despite interviewing a few men, she spews out some absurdly sexist assumptions. One particularly egregious but typical stereotype is that "men (are) socialized to think women are the weaker sex," and that men "want to turn back the clock" and "jest about women in the police force...and military." The sole objective of a man with a woman is "obviously...to jump into bed." In short, men haven't evolved from the Cro-Magnon age.
From this shaky basis of understanding comes even weaker advice. According to Argov, men get turned off by "my clock is ticking" and "so where do we stand" because it's "too obvious," where instead what really turns off many are that children and marriage are a continuation of a great relationship, not a goal in and of itself. More troubling are tidbits like "avert a fight (over bad behavior)...with one sentence responses" and "negotiations should be 95% nonverbal." This may get women what they want near term, but if they can't come up with an effective way to communicate with their partners about such issues any relationship is in real danger longer term. Men can be made to cook dinner by a deal agreeing that whomever gets home first does so, except if the woman gets home early they should drive around randomly to make sure he does instead. This resembles the disastrous advice in her first book about how a woman whose husband didn't want to pay for housekeeping services simply claimed to spend a little more for grocery shopping and paid for it that way behind his back. Anyone who follows this advice is going down a path of behavior that can really lead to two issues that can destroy most relationships - control and trust. It may work for a while, but if you're not careful your next book will be Shirley Glass' Not "Just Friends" as a postmortem since you probably won't have a working relationship for long.
Still, her advice on self-esteem is worth a read especially for those in the midst of a bad relationship. Argov is a comedian by training, and the book is relatively funny. However, using the messily divorced Meg Ryan and Kim Basinger's words as points to live by really nails the problem: often good thoughts, but incredibly bad application since strangely enough, ultimately they weren't able to make their relationships work.
Instead, for the non-professionals, Greg Behrendt offers a lot more insight into the male mind with He's Just NOT That Into You, and Carolyn Hax a lot more reasonable advice on how healthy relationships function with Tell Me About It. For more heavy duty problems, try Haltzman's "Secrets" series - The Secrets of Happily Married Women and Men - along with John Gottman's large body of work, starting with Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.
3 stars. Kind of like eating a pint of Haagen Dazs, where it may make you feel good for a little while but creates more issues down the road.
on June 18, 2006
"Why Men Marry Bitches" is the best book on relationships. Whenever my male friends read through the book they say, "Wow. She is 100% right. How did she get this information?"
What I LOVE so much about this book is that it shows you HOW men view commitment, and the REAL reasons why men don't want to get involved. In the book, men reveal that they want an emotional connection as much as women do, but often feel they aren't "special" because most women seem like they want a commitment...with ANYBODY. Doesn't matter who the guy is, she wants a commitment before she knows his middle name. And Argov explains with crystal clarity exactly what turns men off, and how a few small modifications in a woman's words or actions makes all the difference in the world.
For example, the author explains that women sometimes ask questions or say things like "Where is this going?" or "What are your intentions?" before she even knows where the guy lives. When a guy gets those types of questions, he automatically assumes she is in love with "the idea" of a commitment, or that she's in love with "the wedding" or what a relationship represents. At that point he keeps her at arm's length, because (as men explain in their own words) what they dream of is a woman who is in love....WITH WHO HE IS! She won't just commit to anyone.
Argov has a rare ability to make you laugh and at the same time helps you realize how to do better. It's a feel good read that is entertaining and brilliant at the same time. You walk away feeling like you stand a little taller, and that men are likeable, sensitive and human. If you've ever wondered why most relationships stall after two or three months, after reading this book, YOU'LL GET IT.
What I love most is the fact that Argov doesn't tell you what you are doing wrong...she explains how you can do it right. She never talks down to the reader. She doesn't bash men. She even makes fun of herself. She gives you the feeling that she's down to earth and real, and that she's kicking back over a beer with you hanging out and cheering you up like a sister would. But at the same time, she gives the kind of seasoned advice that a relative or best friend would give about dignity and pride. And of course, she shows you how to turn the typical dating dynamic around so that he comes away feeling like COMMITMENT WAS HIS IDEA!
If you buy this book and get past the title--you will find it refreshing, hilariously funny, and extremely enlightening. I never give 5 stars for anything. But this one is 5 star worthy because of the information....as well as the entertainment comedy value. You'll laugh out loud reading it.
Firstly, in this book BITCH means Babe In Total Control Of Herself.
Her previous book -Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship is my favorite and most highly recommended book for women on dealing with men. Keeping us men on our toes. Giving us women that we find challenging, and interesting, and do not take for granted.
Now onto WMMB. Men will test you, just as women test men. These tests serve a purpose. How you respond dictates the nature of the relationship, and whether get respected as the dreamgirl, or treated as a doormat. You teach people how to treat you. Sherry teaches you how to pass these tests.
WMMB entertains, as you might expect from a standup comic. I had to put the book down several times to laugh. Most of her advice is gleaned from many interviews with men, and their experiences with women, and they tell it like it is, what made them decide to marry one person and pass on another. Really, it is our secret playbook. In fact, I got great ideas from this book. So, I recommend this book to men too.
For men, marriage is the biggest financial and emotional decision of our life. If a man makes the wrong decision, and chooses the wrong woman, the financial and emotional consequences are dire.
The right decision, gains him the benefits of an excellent partner and children and opportunities for adventure and bliss, and will inspire and propel him to far greater achievements than would otherwise be possible. Imagine how attractive being independent, emotionally secure, confident, and already fulfilled can make you, and how not being needy or dependent on him for your emotional well being could make you a compelling candidate for marriage.
As you read this book, you will discover the common mistakes women make: the woman on a mission whose biological clock is ticking so loud you can actually hear it, perceiving the man as a vacancy filler, telegraphing commitment interest way too soon, the dreaded talk, the absolutely lethal -where do you see this relationship going question? Sherry's offers solid advice to keep the relation-ship from hitting the rocks, and to secure the glittering rock.
What if the guy is not prepared to commit anyway, then you have the dilemma of losing a relationship or continuing with a guy who won't commit. Many guys will string you along indefinitely, because they can.
The BEST advice in the book is how to initiate the conversation that will lead to commitment though it only offers one strategy, even if it is brilliant. It would certainly work without alienating. It would work on me, and could certainly work for you. Ideally, it would be best to have a few different approaches to pick from.
I disagree on one thing. I don't think it is a sound strategy to avoid talking about marriage entirely, for a long time, so it won't come up on the relationship radar. If you don't bring it up it may never come up. Before you spend years with a guy wouldn't it be wiser to find out in advance what his attitude is? This could bring the denial: You never said anything about a commitment before. Another shortcoming I feel is it does not offer strategies for testing his true attitude on commitment, and decision making.
Here's one idea. Ask a man how he feels about children. If he doesn't want to have them or like them, what does that mean? You have learned much from an indirect question.
Other books I recommend are: Dr Phil's Love Smart:Find the one you want, fix the one you got has excellent advice, on getting the commitment,and the 80/20 rule. The Secret Psychology of how we fall in love by Dr Paul Dobransky has excellent advice on testing a man to see if he is commitment material, also on finding the right kind of man, using the women from Sex and the City as the four female archetypes, the queen, warrior, magician and lover to determine both your personality types. There is also a personality test you can take at [...].
So, I highly recommend this book, and good luck.
I trust you find this helpful.
on August 25, 2006
Let me tell you, I've read so many manuals about how to "win" a man's affection, or "trick" him into loving you. Now I tell you, THROW EVERY OTHER DATING BOOK OUT THE WINDOW because this book will tell you everything you need to know. Other self-help books perpetuate the mindset of neediness, making your self-worth dependent on the approval of a man.
NO MORE OF THIS NONSENSE! No more bending over backwards for a man, only so he can be turned off by your overt efforts and run far away. As you read Sherry's book, You feel as though your having a down to earth chat with someone who knows all the secrets to lasting love..and she reveals each and every one. Plus, Sherry is so funny, she puts you in great spirits and you feel emboldened. This book makes you feel confident, and glowing with the playful independence that will make the guy in your life see what a dream girl you truly are.
I cannot believe how this book has turned my love life around.
Now, not only do I have my dream guy wrapped around my finger, I feel absolutely fantastic about who I am.
"Relationship Principle 48: Many men reduce women to a set of givens. A man relies on the fact that...he'll be able to push your emotional buttons...When he can't, he'll often crumble and become the more vulnerable one in the relationship." This book helps you turn the tables on men, so that you aren't the one begging and obsessing over the relationship.. he is.
No more settling for less, no more feelings of inadequacy. Healthy attitudes, positive relationships, and having crazy fun being the spicy, intelligent, independent girl that men fantacize about. That's what dreams are made of. You MUST read this book! Best of luck!
on July 30, 2011
I initially passed over this book several times when shopping because of the title. It's not about bitchy or aggressive women at all.
I am usually not into self-help books but recently bought this one and 2 others because I wanted to know why I have had several long-term relationships with really terrific men but never got my "happily ever after".
Yes, we all know that men are "hard-wired" to be different than women, but what does that mean? This book is very straight-forward and practical when providing examples of how a man perceives and internalizes womens' words & actions.
Some of the stuff is so subtle, yet spot-on when the author points it out. For example: To a man a woman is sexy when she is happy. BUT, a man does not want to be responsible for someone else's happiness. So don't go on and on gushing about how happy HE makes YOU. Just let him experience your happiness with yourself, your life, your circumstances, etc. Don't pin it on him.
A large part of the book's format is relationship principle #1,#2,#3, etc. Then each principle is explained in detail. More examples...
He doesn't marry someone who's perfect, he marries someone who's interesting. Book goes on to give advice on how to show a man that you are an interesting person.
The book affirms that men like to pursue and like a challenge, but the book DOES NOT advise you to play hard to get. Another subtle, yet spot-on example of this would be: Don't show that you care too much too soon. When he's not sure how much you like him, the challenge is on. Men like challenges. Men like to be curious, they like to feel like there's more to the story than they aleady know. Early on if its obvious you are 100% hooked on him there's nothing exciting about you anymore. Behave as if you like him, but aren't that interested in locking him down.
These relationship principles go on and on, covering a variety of topics about what men find attractive (talking character traits) and how you can convey your attractiveness to him in subtle ways. Attractive character traits include self-respect, competent, dignity, and pride.
I found the book to be very empowering. According to the book, you loose your power the minute you ask him, "Where is this relationship going?", or "Where do I fit in your life?". When you do this, you've just conveyed the message to him that HE is the one who dictates the terms of the relationship. Just act like you're still getting to know him and that committment is nowhere on your radar.
These are just a few examples from the book that were profoundly helpful to me. I have read the book twice now, and have hand-written notes of some of the most applicable relationship principles to my life.
This book has something for everybody...don't hesitate to make your purchase, you won't be sorry.
on July 17, 2008
I was first introduced to this book over a year ago, but was reluctant to follow its advice. Sure enough, my guy situation soon tanked, and then I started reading this book in earnest. Wow! What a valuable, valuable book. It almost feels a little unfair to me- like cheating- it works so well. I'd say I'm decent-looking and relatively put-together and intelligent, but by no means a superstar, and I have had more guys go crazy about me in the meantime than in the past five years.
I think the people who review this book negatively are in denial about how men really feel. But you know what? Fine, let them be in denial. That just means the women who recognize this book for its insight (and their lucky partners) will have even more power. To the "Cro-Magnon" commentator... maybe it's not pretty, but you know what? Men (and women) ARE still driven by certain primitive instincts and certain urges. We have not evolved past many very old-fashioned, traditional mating desires. Perhaps we've developed certain societal rules to deal with it, but that doesn't change our first gut reaction. As Sherry mentioned, it ISN'T fair that men are supposed to do the chasing, or that they often think the opposite when you perform a nice gesture too soon, or that they tell you one thing and mean another. But it isn't a fair world, and I'd rather learn to work it, and win, rather than complain about it endlessly but lose.