108 of 116 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Objective, Well-Researched 4000 Person Survey of Married Men Who Lose Sexual Interest in Their Wives
I'm flabberghasted reading the other reviews of this book, so confused that I just retrieved it, to peruse it again before writing this review. I sense that other reviewers are processing the facts of the book through the lens of their own personal lives.
I read this superb book on men losing interest in sex with their wives as a professional consultant, with a...
Published on May 14, 2008 by L. A. Enke
14 of 23 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars eh.
it took 3 weeks for the book to get here, thought that was a little stange. the research done is unique and interesting points are made. however i think the title is misleading as the only answer to "what you can do about it" seems to be counseling. also was under the impression a wide range of ages, young and old, was polled, yet all but 1 or 2 were over the age of 40...
Published on August 3, 2009 by L. dobbins
Most Helpful First | Newest First
108 of 116 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Objective, Well-Researched 4000 Person Survey of Married Men Who Lose Sexual Interest in Their Wives,
This review is from: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (Hardcover)I'm flabberghasted reading the other reviews of this book, so confused that I just retrieved it, to peruse it again before writing this review. I sense that other reviewers are processing the facts of the book through the lens of their own personal lives.
I read this superb book on men losing interest in sex with their wives as a professional consultant, with a keen interest in sex in America. The book is well balanced and not all focused on placing blame on EITHER party, inspite of two totally contradictory reviews of the same book.
The authors do make the accurate point that the lower-libido partner ALWAYS controls sexual frequency in any relationship. In no way does this book exempt wives from contributing to loss of their husband's libido.
First and foremost, the chapters of the book are organized around the results of a 4000 person, gender-balanced survey of men who have withdrawn from sex with their wives, and wives whose husbands don't want sex with them. These respondents are not married to each other.
We first read the reasons why men said they stopped having sex with their wives. The top three reasons listed were:
1. She isn't sexually adventurous enough for me -- 68%
2. She doesn't seem to enjoy sex -- 61%
3. I am interested is sex with others, but not with my wife -- 48%
Next, we read the women's responses -- why they think their husbands stopped having sex with them. The top three reasons lsited were:
1. He lost interest and I don't know why -- 66%
2. He is depressed -- 57%
3. He is angry at me -- 45%
In fact, this #3 answer among women is about the only thing that men and women agree on in this classic Venus and Mars discussion around marital sexuality.
44% of men surveyed agree that they are mad at their wives, and this fact contributes to loss of libido.
What I like about the book is that it tackles big topics in this gender-based, bedroom divide. As a professional I am interested in the big picture, not one person's personal love life.
The authors write: "One of the biggest predictors of male sexual satisfaction is receiving oral sex. Moving beyond their own 4000 person survey, they cite the well-respected Elle/MSNBC poll of approximately 39,000 men, in which one of the biggest predictors of male sexual satisfaction is receiving oral sex."
That's the Mars position.
Venus, according to the same poll isn't so thrilled with Mars, when it comes to performing fellatio. 45 percent or the women surveyed say that they don't like performing fellatio.
Whether women like going down on a guy or not, men view fellatio as an ultimate expression of love, commitment, adoration, tenderness, and temporary surrender. To have 1 of every 2 marital bedrooms in deadlock on this topic could be considered a national problem, in my opinion.
The value of this book lies in its objective reporting on real answers to real questions in a large national survey. The anecdotal reporting comes from the followup interviews. I prefer this approach to books that focus on the problems of a few sexual or marital-therapy clients, and then offer big-picture analysis.
This book illuminates the chasm between 4000 men and women, who suffer marital distress with a low-libido husband. Period.
At the end of the book, neither sex is responsible. As is the case with most of life, the answers are in the joint-responsibility grey matter. The answers are physical, psychological, and cultural.
The only question that these parties do agree on, is that they are bloody angry with each other. I would begin the marital dig here.
87 of 95 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Best book on the subject yet. Even better than THE SEX STARVED WIFE.,
This review is from: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (Hardcover)I must say. At first I thought there could be no better work on the subject than The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire. This book is much more comprehensive, thorough and gender balanced in examining the reasons why male partners either decrease or cease their sexual activity with their significant others. Perhaps this is so because the book is written by a married couple who wanted to be fair to both genders involved. Like THE SEX STARVED WIFE the book wrote that HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder)can be used as a catchall term for little or no sex as a result of many factors both psychological and physiological in origin. So often the medical community has a tendency to assume that the sole reason for this has to do with low testosterone count. In Chapter Eleven "Maybe He's Gay? Asexual?" Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz clearly state "if a man's sex drive is low, it may not be due to low testosterone...there are multiple physiological and psychological reasons for a man not wanting to have partnered sex." Significantly, one reason may be "simply the way an individual functions, just as one man may have an unusually high sex drive, another may have one unusually low. And sometimes a man with a weak level of desire marries a female with a libido that falls into a range that is average or above, a situation perhaps masked in the early days of courtship when his passion was able to soar to a temporary high before it peaked and declined back to what was 'normal' for him". This is something THE SEX STARVED WIFE neglected to mention. I have read some reviewers that sounded furious that the author of THE SEX STARVED WIFE seemed to blame the woman exclusively for the problem.In their concluding chapter Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz DO admit that "sexless marriage is rarely the result of only one partner's behavior, even it if looks that way on the surface." I DO agree with that statement but I DON'T agree with what they allege in Chapter One "Why Men Stop Having Sex." I do not agree that WOMEN shift responsibility for the lack of sex away from themselves. On the contrary, I think women have a tendency to BLAME THEMSELVES for their husband's lack of desire and oftentimes excessively and unjustly so. Both partners in the relationship have to take responsibility for their actions. Far too often there is a hidden power struggle existing in the relationship. It IS pointed out that "the absence of sexual desire is most often related to expressed or unexpressed anger...living with critical and controlling women who were ready to fly off the handle..." but also that "We don't believe anger is one-sided...They are taking no responsibility for, or are oblvious to, their own part in the story." The authors rightfully state "A conflict-free relationship is impossible. However, when conflict becomes either a cause or an excuse for witholding sex, it is not handled properly." Additionally "Not getting or sustaining an erection can also be a way of passively showing contempt. Withholding sex becomes a punishment; he is refusing to give her something she wants, perhaps one of the few things he perceives as still being within his control." This creates a vicious circle when "The 'noncritical' or 'nonangry' partner responds by witholding touch, warmth and sex, which gives the 'angry' spouse more reason to stay that way." At any rate I would strongly recommend this book especially for any woman struggling in a relationship where sexual intimacy has been rendered extinct.
59 of 68 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars MUCH BETTER THAN The Sex Starved Wife,
This review is from: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (Hardcover)I just finished reading both this book and The Sex-Starved Wife. I really liked this book because it placed the reality of the non-responsive spouse on the man where it belongs. I found the message of the wife being at fault in the Sex Starved Wife to be demeaning, sexist, and very unsupportive to women.
My personal experience with a non-responsive husband is that no matter what you do, there is no response. The non-responsive spouse is in control of the sex. In the last 25 years, my husband and I have had sex no more than 10 times. I am not a nag. I am imaginative. I do discuss. I give him lots of space. There doesn't appear to be any joint solution to this problem - because it isn't a joint problem --- it is MY problem. He is perfectly happy the way things are. I am the one who is unhappy. Viagra does nothing just sitting on the nightstand!
So, this book really gives definitive information on how the wife feels about being deprived of sex and having to beg for it, or suffer for it, or take it whenever the man wants to give it whether she is in the mood or not. I think this male behavior should actually be called marital rape! Men need to know how they are treating women. The MYTH of women nagging and withholding sex is a LIE - It is the MEN who are doing it!
This is a huge problem for women in this country. Another cultural myth is that men are always and forever ready for sex at the drop of a hat - and women and men believe it. There isn't a simple solution to a man who refuses to have sex - dressing up in saran wrap is not going to fix this problem. My life is in tatters. I have given the book to my husband and now I guess I just wait some more! -- Great life....
I highly recommend this book and I am actively looking for others - suggestions are welcome
25 of 28 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful, helpful, important, and well-written,
26 of 30 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Should You Resign Yourself to a Life of Celibacy?,
This review is from: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (Kindle Edition)"...lack of desire is recognized as the most common sexual problem in America..."
The whole idea of men being celibate in marriage may seem foreign to most of us. However it is much more common than you may realize. 40 million Americans find themselves living in a no-sex or low-sex marriage.
In some countries (like India) married men become celibate for religious reasons and this seems to be more accepted. But in America, a lack of libido is seen as a major problem that can eventually spell doom for many marriages.
When we think of lack of desire in marriage we may automatically think the woman is to blame. After all, we've been taught that men have higher libidos. However men who shut down emotionally (or become angry) seem to also shut down sexually.
Some of the reasons men stop having sex include boredom, depression (many drugs may cause men to no longer feel romantic love or can cause them to be impotent), anger, their partner's weight gain or the madonna/whore syndrome. Some are also anxious about getting a woman pregnant so they abstain. Quite a few men stop having sex with their partners because they prefer pornography. A few men withhold sex as punishment. Some have hypoactive sexual desire disorder, low testosterone or erectile dysfunction. So the list is long and the problems seem endless.
So what is a woman to do if her partner no longer seems to desire her company? This book does not have a lot of answers but does have a chapter on what some couples are doing about this problem. There is some good advice from couples who have remained married. Basically this book is good for figuring out why the problem is happening in the first place. Then you may want to seek counseling for the issues involved.
Truthfully, this is one of the most interesting books I've ever read. If you are no longer prepared to live in a platonic relationship or have sex infrequently, this book has lots of ideas to consider.
~The Rebecca Review
7 of 8 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Good Book, Very Interesting, But a Little Short on Answers,
This review is from: Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It (Paperback)This IS a very good book and in some was better than the Sex-Starved Wife. It feels more evidence based, especially with the surveys it uses. It also points out the many and varied reasons why a man loses desire for his partner.
However, if you're like me and I suspect many other women who buy this book, you're not too bothered about the many different reasons. You want to know how to put your own situation right. In this respect I agreed completely with the statement that it's ALWAYS the low sex partner who's controlling things. And I disagreed with the idea that women tend to deflect from or deny their own responsibility for this state of affairs (chap 1). I don't agree with that. When women are feeling less desire by and large they try and make an effort and they feel guilty that things aren't working out.
Men however, not only stonewall and won't talk about it, but they genuinely deflect responsibility by saying the wife is no longer attractive, not sexually adventurous or whatever. The survey result about oral sex being an indicator of "male sexual satisfaction" BTW is a red herring. It it no way says that lack of oral sex is a CAUSE of men losing desire for their wives.
In any case, why would a woman give oral sex when she is getting nothing in return?? I just increases the low desire man's control in the situation, and gets the wife nothing.
A really good Kindle book for this (because it actually gives some answers and an action plan) is Rekindle His Desire: A Practical Plan for Women in a Low Sex/No Sex Relationship Or a Sex-Starved Marriage. It won't tell you to get him to counselling (he won't go anyway), and it doesn't blame it on the woman.
This IS a very good book and in some was better than the Sex-Starved Wife. It feels more evidence based, especially with the surveys it uses. It also points out the many and varied reasons why a man loses desire for his partner. It feels good to know there are so many other women with this issue, but ultimately it won't help you all that much.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Very interesting book,
This review is from: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (Kindle Edition)Ism so glad that I'm not alone in this struggle but I still have a husband unwilling to communicate so the recommendations didn't really give me any hope that my situation will change. Only time will tell.
13 of 19 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars INFORMATIVE,
2 of 3 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars On, come on...really now,
This review is from: Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It (Paperback)Being a marriage counselor I am always interested in books that might give me some additional insight on a problem I see on a daily. #1 makes it often the women's fault for being controlling, or maybe too critical of his techniques
#2 A sexual dysfunction om his part that undermines his confidence
#3 their relationship has been reduced to roommates without benefits
#4 Guy is no longer as attracted to her (example, she gained weight
#5: and pretty much the essence of the book, he is just plain mad at her for several different reasons (which go into further detail) and the most common anger is the anger he keeps stuffing down (quiet anger I think), doesn't talk to her about...definitely a very hot topic because it isn't dealt with along the way....and she is mad at him because he won't discuss his feelings...and sexual desire drops to a mins 10. (my words)
Now as a marriage counselor there was not one piece of helpful information in here for the average layman. When they arrive in my office, the couple is angry...period and the first thing that goes is lack of intimacy (not just the sex part, but also the huggy, kiss good-by stuff.) Usually BOTH partners are unhappily stuffing angry feelings or having very bitter fights with the reduced amount or no sex (not talking and resolving problems is #1 issue that bringing sex to a screeching halt.) Of course, there can be other problems like affairs, texting unknown people at 3:00 in the morning, etc. But this book basically boils it all down to the guy is just plain angrier than anything What bothers, or annoys me, is the title infers that this is ground breaking news. I don't care age of couple or how long it has been since they have been intimate.....well, there are two people here (husband & wife) and I bet you anything, they both are sitting on a powder keg of anger. What they need is a good marriage counselor.
14 of 23 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars eh.,
Most Helpful First | Newest First
Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It by Bob Berkowitz (Paperback - December 30, 2008)