I watched Gayle and Ted Haggard on Oprah yesterday and immediately bought this book, because I was so impressed with what appeared to be Gayle's strength and authenticity as she shared about her choice to stay in her marriage. I was intrigued by Oprah's reaction to her as well; she seemed incredulous that anyone could make this choice under the circumstances. I had to know more. I am so very glad now that I read this book because it is an important one. No matter how you might feel about the Haggard scandal, your opinion is formed based upon media reports and second-hand information. Reading this book allows you to have firsthand information, but more importantly, to think critically about issues such as the role of the church in restoration, how we judge each other, marriage commitment, denial, forgiveness, grace, punishment, the nature of repentance, and more. No matter what your feelings about the scandal, this book will give you much to think about.
The book is written with Angela Hunt, a seasoned Christian writer. This was a great choice, as the book is well-written and riveting, hard to put down.
I began the book intrigued about how Gayle Haggard recovered from seemingly insurmountable betrayal. And I thought that perhaps I could learn something about love and forgiveness that could help me in my own marriage. Gayle's choice to stay could indeed have been written off to denial and weakness, but I suspected something different. And I found it.
Gayle describes the scandal from her point of view in detail. She then walks the reader through the steps she took to choose love and forgiveness for Ted, and why she made this choice; of course, the decision itself was a process, not a one time event. She describes how they submitted themselves to God to both suffer the consequences of Ted's sin, which were many. (By choosing to stay with Ted, Gayle suffered, unfairly, as well.) She writes candidly of their painful isolation from their church family and the reasons behind it.
Through it all, she writes how she wanted to be an example of Christ's love and forgiveness. She asked herself, "Who are you going to be in this story? How are you going to be honorable?" She writes that "love isn't a feeling, it's a choice--a choice we make ever day, sometimes every hour" and she shares how she did this. This is the true beauty and value of the book, not the details of a scandal, but the unusual choice that Gayle made, how she took control and made a counter-cultural choice that empowered both her and her family.
She discusses the many problems with the restoration process--what worked and what didn't--and how changes can be made in the Christian church so that restoration can be more healing rather than strictly punitive.
The book will be of greatest interest to those who are Christians or who are interested in Christianity. It may offend some who see the church as only for the righteous and perhaps self-righteous rather than as welcoming place for all, as "a community of sinners who are grateful they've met the Savior". There are Scripture verses throughout. However, I think that the book would also be very worthwhile for those who are not Christians but who are interested in psychology and marriage and human nature.
Before reading the book I was astounded that someone who had a clear Biblical reason to leave, a built-in permission to escape the shame and pain and rebuilding process, would actually choose--choose--to stay. Gayle's reward was a sought after intimacy with her husband that she had never had before, plus a family that was stronger than before. She did indeed choose an alternative path, one which was and is terribly difficult, but a valid choice nevertheless. She is not saying (nor am I) that every woman should choose this path, but merely that divorce is not the only option, and that staying in a marriage should be up to the individual woman. I learned much from her story about love, forgiveness, and commitment that I can apply to my own marriage. It's easy to write her story off and minimize her experience by calling it denial; however, I think that's a mistake that closes the door to understanding the power of what actually happened and to the potential power of the Gospel.
Highly recommended.
*****