Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour [Hardcover]

Gayle Haggard (Author), Angela Elwell Hunt (Contributor)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 26, 2010

On November 2, 2006, Gayle Haggard’s life changed forever when her husband, Ted Haggard, founder of the 14,000-member New Life Church in Colorado Springs and president of the National Association of Evangelicals, was publicly exposed in a scandal. In the days and months ahead, everything in Gayle’s life was at stake—her beliefs, her marriage, and her relationship with the church community she had been a part of for more than 20 years. In Why I Stayed, Gayle walks us through the choices she made in her darkest hour and shares her renewed passion for the central message of the Bible—the liberating message of forgiveness and love. Why I Stayed reminds us of what less-than-perfect people desperately need—a community of family and faith that offers healing love and a path to restoration.

Editorial Reviews

Review

Gayle’s ‘risk of love’ reveals a healing path that few would have ever predicted. You won’t be able to put this book down. (Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott Founders of RealRelationships.com )

From the Inside Flap

“I kept asking myself the crucial question: Who am I going to be in our story? Will I be the woman who washes her hands of the situation and walks away from Ted, or will I be the woman who loves him and shows forgiveness? . . . The choice was mine. A mountain stood in front of me, a difficult climb, and I didn’t know what lay on the other side.” — Gayle Haggard

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 368 pages
• Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers (January 26, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1414335857
• ISBN-13: 978-1414335858
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.2 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (59 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #573,962 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

82 of 93 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Story For Our Time--Much To Think About, January 27, 2010

By 

O. Brown "Ms. O. Khannah-Brown" (Twopeas, WA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour (Hardcover)

I watched Gayle and Ted Haggard on Oprah yesterday and immediately bought this book, because I was so impressed with what appeared to be Gayle's strength and authenticity as she shared about her choice to stay in her marriage. I was intrigued by Oprah's reaction to her as well; she seemed incredulous that anyone could make this choice under the circumstances. I had to know more. I am so very glad now that I read this book because it is an important one. No matter how you might feel about the Haggard scandal, your opinion is formed based upon media reports and second-hand information. Reading this book allows you to have firsthand information, but more importantly, to think critically about issues such as the role of the church in restoration, how we judge each other, marriage commitment, denial, forgiveness, grace, punishment, the nature of repentance, and more. No matter what your feelings about the scandal, this book will give you much to think about.

The book is written with Angela Hunt, a seasoned Christian writer. This was a great choice, as the book is well-written and riveting, hard to put down.

I began the book intrigued about how Gayle Haggard recovered from seemingly insurmountable betrayal. And I thought that perhaps I could learn something about love and forgiveness that could help me in my own marriage. Gayle's choice to stay could indeed have been written off to denial and weakness, but I suspected something different. And I found it.

Gayle describes the scandal from her point of view in detail. She then walks the reader through the steps she took to choose love and forgiveness for Ted, and why she made this choice; of course, the decision itself was a process, not a one time event. She describes how they submitted themselves to God to both suffer the consequences of Ted's sin, which were many. (By choosing to stay with Ted, Gayle suffered, unfairly, as well.) She writes candidly of their painful isolation from their church family and the reasons behind it.

Through it all, she writes how she wanted to be an example of Christ's love and forgiveness. She asked herself, "Who are you going to be in this story? How are you going to be honorable?" She writes that "love isn't a feeling, it's a choice--a choice we make ever day, sometimes every hour" and she shares how she did this. This is the true beauty and value of the book, not the details of a scandal, but the unusual choice that Gayle made, how she took control and made a counter-cultural choice that empowered both her and her family.

She discusses the many problems with the restoration process--what worked and what didn't--and how changes can be made in the Christian church so that restoration can be more healing rather than strictly punitive.

The book will be of greatest interest to those who are Christians or who are interested in Christianity. It may offend some who see the church as only for the righteous and perhaps self-righteous rather than as welcoming place for all, as "a community of sinners who are grateful they've met the Savior". There are Scripture verses throughout. However, I think that the book would also be very worthwhile for those who are not Christians but who are interested in psychology and marriage and human nature.

Before reading the book I was astounded that someone who had a clear Biblical reason to leave, a built-in permission to escape the shame and pain and rebuilding process, would actually choose--choose--to stay. Gayle's reward was a sought after intimacy with her husband that she had never had before, plus a family that was stronger than before. She did indeed choose an alternative path, one which was and is terribly difficult, but a valid choice nevertheless. She is not saying (nor am I) that every woman should choose this path, but merely that divorce is not the only option, and that staying in a marriage should be up to the individual woman. I learned much from her story about love, forgiveness, and commitment that I can apply to my own marriage. It's easy to write her story off and minimize her experience by calling it denial; however, I think that's a mistake that closes the door to understanding the power of what actually happened and to the potential power of the Gospel.

Highly recommended.

*****

22 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A call to improving church discipline, January 29, 2010

By 

Mark D. Taylor "Bibliophile" (Wheaton, IL) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour (Hardcover)

I found the book fascinating for two reasons--(1) because of Gayle's counterintuitive decision to stay committed to Ted, and (2) because of the light she sheds on the church discipline and restoration process she and Ted went through. As an elder in my church, I came away with a renewed commitment to make sure that our church does church discipline well and biblically. Granted, we're reading the Haggards' story only from Gayle's perspective, and the New Life Church leaders would probably tell a different story. But I was appalled by the lack of true restoration and care for Gayle and Ted by the church leadership. May all Christian churches learn a lesson here and do it better in the future.

39 of 49 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An Astonishing Memoir, January 27, 2010

By 

Sophia K. "bookfanatic" (Chicago, IL) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour (Hardcover)

Regardless of whether or not you agree with Gayle or how you feel about Ted Haggard, this is an astonishing book and one of the most interesting memoirs I have read in a long time. There are many different angles to the story that I think will appeal to a wide variety of people--marriage and family, infidelity, sexual identity, healing, being judgmental, love and forgiveness, inner strength, betrayal, commitment, and the list goes on.

But what was most fascinating to me, and I think will be for many people, is what happened with the Haggards and the church they started--their forced separation and exile and the other half of the story about Ted's so-called "restoration" as a Christian. How the Haggards were treated by their church and other "Christians" is absolutely appalling. This will be a fascinating book for people who are at all interested in, baffled by, or irritated by religion and/or evangelical Christians, who are the ones that need to read this book more than anyone else.

Why I Stayed is a mirror evangelicals need to look into if they want to get a glimpse of how others view them. If they want to be taken seriously and not seen as self-righteous, they need to actually practice the love, forgiveness, and grace that they preach. Reading this book with an open mind would be a convicting way to start.

At the beginning of the book, Gayle details how she met Ted and gives an overview of their thirty year marriage and ministry together--crucial information to know in order to understand the scandal that erupted in November of 2006. She details the events from the first horrible days of the scandal through the three years that followed--everything from Ted's confession to her and their children to therapy, from the ridiculous contracts New Life Church had them sign to their move back to Colorado Springs from their exile in Arizona. There are many poignant moments in the book, but the one that moved me to tears was when Gayle described the night she got into the same bed with Ted on the day he told her that some of the allegations were true.

Not only does Gayle write about conversations she and Ted had, she gives readers an intimate glimpse into her thoughts and feelings--that takes tremendous courage to write about. A lot of people will resonate with her experience and draw strength from it. It is baffling to me how and why she chose to love and forgive. At the root of a myriad of reasons, Gayle draws her strength from her faith. She writes, "I want others to inspire others to choose the risk of love, even in the midst of the worst devastation. This is what Jesus taught us to do."

Gayle does not say that all husbands or wives should stay with their unfaithful and/or abusive spouses--she fully acknowledges that sometimes divorce is better than staying, but she thinks that marriages are worth fighting for if it is possible to save them.

This also isn't a shallow exposé or gossip--she gives people the benefit of the doubt. Gayle writes, "I am confident all the people in my story did the best they knew to do, given the very difficult circumstances and the church cultures we have created."

I hope that readers will give Gayle the benefit of the doubt and be open-minded when reading her book and not assume from the beginning that she is naïve or in denial. Certainly one should always read with a healthy amount of skepticism, but when it comes to someone's story, we ought to try our best to put ourselves in their shoes before we come to any conclusions.

So bravo to Gayle for writing such an eye opening book! I hope that it will open the door for many much needed conversations.