Customer Reviews

Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour

5 star:		(36)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(9)
1 star:		(7)

 

 

I watched Gayle and Ted Haggard on Oprah yesterday and immediately bought this book, because I was so impressed with what appeared to be Gayle's strength and authenticity as she shared about her choice to stay in her marriage. I was intrigued by Oprah's reaction to her as well; she seemed incredulous that anyone could make this choice under the circumstances. I had to know more. I am so very glad now that I read this book because it is an important one. No matter how you might feel about the Haggard scandal, your opinion is formed based upon media reports and second-hand information. Reading this book allows you to have firsthand information, but more importantly, to think critically about issues such as the role of the church in restoration, how we judge each other, marriage commitment, denial, forgiveness, grace, punishment, the nature of repentance, and more. No matter what your feelings about the scandal, this book will give you much to think about.

The book is written with Angela Hunt, a seasoned Christian writer. This was a great choice, as the book is well-written and riveting, hard to put down.

I began the book intrigued about how Gayle Haggard recovered from seemingly insurmountable betrayal. And I thought that perhaps I could learn something about love and forgiveness that could help me in my own marriage. Gayle's choice to stay could indeed have been written off to denial and weakness, but I suspected something different. And I found it.

Gayle describes the scandal from her point of view in detail. She then walks the reader through the steps she took to choose love and forgiveness for Ted, and why she made this choice; of course, the decision itself was a process, not a one time event. She describes how they submitted themselves to God to both suffer the consequences of Ted's sin, which were many. (By choosing to stay with Ted, Gayle suffered, unfairly, as well.) She writes candidly of their painful isolation from their church family and the reasons behind it.

Through it all, she writes how she wanted to be an example of Christ's love and forgiveness. She asked herself, "Who are you going to be in this story? How are you going to be honorable?" She writes that "love isn't a feeling, it's a choice--a choice we make ever day, sometimes every hour" and she shares how she did this. This is the true beauty and value of the book, not the details of a scandal, but the unusual choice that Gayle made, how she took control and made a counter-cultural choice that empowered both her and her family.

She discusses the many problems with the restoration process--what worked and what didn't--and how changes can be made in the Christian church so that restoration can be more healing rather than strictly punitive.

The book will be of greatest interest to those who are Christians or who are interested in Christianity. It may offend some who see the church as only for the righteous and perhaps self-righteous rather than as welcoming place for all, as "a community of sinners who are grateful they've met the Savior". There are Scripture verses throughout. However, I think that the book would also be very worthwhile for those who are not Christians but who are interested in psychology and marriage and human nature.

Before reading the book I was astounded that someone who had a clear Biblical reason to leave, a built-in permission to escape the shame and pain and rebuilding process, would actually choose--choose--to stay. Gayle's reward was a sought after intimacy with her husband that she had never had before, plus a family that was stronger than before. She did indeed choose an alternative path, one which was and is terribly difficult, but a valid choice nevertheless. She is not saying (nor am I) that every woman should choose this path, but merely that divorce is not the only option, and that staying in a marriage should be up to the individual woman. I learned much from her story about love, forgiveness, and commitment that I can apply to my own marriage. It's easy to write her story off and minimize her experience by calling it denial; however, I think that's a mistake that closes the door to understanding the power of what actually happened and to the potential power of the Gospel.

Highly recommended.
*****

I found the book fascinating for two reasons--(1) because of Gayle's counterintuitive decision to stay committed to Ted, and (2) because of the light she sheds on the church discipline and restoration process she and Ted went through. As an elder in my church, I came away with a renewed commitment to make sure that our church does church discipline well and biblically. Granted, we're reading the Haggards' story only from Gayle's perspective, and the New Life Church leaders would probably tell a different story. But I was appalled by the lack of true restoration and care for Gayle and Ted by the church leadership. May all Christian churches learn a lesson here and do it better in the future.

Regardless of whether or not you agree with Gayle or how you feel about Ted Haggard, this is an astonishing book and one of the most interesting memoirs I have read in a long time. There are many different angles to the story that I think will appeal to a wide variety of people--marriage and family, infidelity, sexual identity, healing, being judgmental, love and forgiveness, inner strength, betrayal, commitment, and the list goes on.

But what was most fascinating to me, and I think will be for many people, is what happened with the Haggards and the church they started--their forced separation and exile and the other half of the story about Ted's so-called "restoration" as a Christian. How the Haggards were treated by their church and other "Christians" is absolutely appalling. This will be a fascinating book for people who are at all interested in, baffled by, or irritated by religion and/or evangelical Christians, who are the ones that need to read this book more than anyone else.

Why I Stayed is a mirror evangelicals need to look into if they want to get a glimpse of how others view them. If they want to be taken seriously and not seen as self-righteous, they need to actually practice the love, forgiveness, and grace that they preach. Reading this book with an open mind would be a convicting way to start.

At the beginning of the book, Gayle details how she met Ted and gives an overview of their thirty year marriage and ministry together--crucial information to know in order to understand the scandal that erupted in November of 2006. She details the events from the first horrible days of the scandal through the three years that followed--everything from Ted's confession to her and their children to therapy, from the ridiculous contracts New Life Church had them sign to their move back to Colorado Springs from their exile in Arizona. There are many poignant moments in the book, but the one that moved me to tears was when Gayle described the night she got into the same bed with Ted on the day he told her that some of the allegations were true.

Not only does Gayle write about conversations she and Ted had, she gives readers an intimate glimpse into her thoughts and feelings--that takes tremendous courage to write about. A lot of people will resonate with her experience and draw strength from it. It is baffling to me how and why she chose to love and forgive. At the root of a myriad of reasons, Gayle draws her strength from her faith. She writes, "I want others to inspire others to choose the risk of love, even in the midst of the worst devastation. This is what Jesus taught us to do."

Gayle does not say that all husbands or wives should stay with their unfaithful and/or abusive spouses--she fully acknowledges that sometimes divorce is better than staying, but she thinks that marriages are worth fighting for if it is possible to save them.

This also isn't a shallow exposé or gossip--she gives people the benefit of the doubt. Gayle writes, "I am confident all the people in my story did the best they knew to do, given the very difficult circumstances and the church cultures we have created."

I hope that readers will give Gayle the benefit of the doubt and be open-minded when reading her book and not assume from the beginning that she is naïve or in denial. Certainly one should always read with a healthy amount of skepticism, but when it comes to someone's story, we ought to try our best to put ourselves in their shoes before we come to any conclusions.

So bravo to Gayle for writing such an eye opening book! I hope that it will open the door for many much needed conversations.

This story, by the wife of exposed liar, hypocrite and drug-user Ted Haggard, is a frustrating view of how well-meaning Christians see everything in life selfishly, even when they commit terrible sin.

She jumps right into the problems of the marriage, not wasting a couple hundred pages telling readers about her upbringing. Instead she starts with meeting her husband and quickly goes through their years of building their Colorado ministry into a mega-church.

She fills these early pages with self-centered emotion, never stopping to ask obvious questions like why she broke up an engagement with another guy for this man she didn't like at first. Or why a man who had never led a church decides to pick up and move far away and start a church from scratch. Or why they sent away their mentally disabled son to Kentucky when they had been told it was best for him to live at home. So early on she exposes a lack of self-perception that becomes even more clear once the scandal is exposed.

Most shocking is her writing about the days when Haggard revealed he had done drugs (it's confirmed here even though he continued to claim publicly it wasn't true) and had a homosexual affair. She again goes inside her emotions and immediately starts to try to save her marriage, her family and her job (she was getting paid to be a women's leader at the church her husband pastured). Instead of realizing that what her husband did was a lengthy breech of rust with her or his gigantic church, she callously responds that she thinks the people in the church should sympathize with him since he has now proven that he's not perfect and is a sinner, just like his followers.

Then, after she claims complete devastation, they get the family on a plane for a lengthy stay at a Florida beach home--and on the plane she claims her husband tells her "everything." This is on a commercial flight--with hundreds of people around her, including her kids. Why would she talk about private things in public just a few days after being held to national ridicule? And how could she believe him as he tells her that he slept with other men but "didn't have sex" with them and only masturbated himself while in bed with another guy? Some of this is hard to swallow.

To make it even worse, after she begs us and their followers for compassion, she then admits that she had known for 20 years about his same-sex impulses but chose to ignore them. Early in their marriage he confessed to going to an adult bookstore and having a "physical relationship" with a man, to the point that Haggard feared when their son was born handicapped that it may have been caused by a sexual disease Ted acquired. How could this woman just pretend like this didn't happen and for years believe the guy? This really is a story of how dumb a spouse can be--instead of trusting him she should have been skeptical from that moment on. Faith without works is dead.

It isn't until half way into the book that she reveals he suddenly recalled in post-crisis counseling that he was physically abused at age seven, and that he "experimented" with other boys in sixth and seventh grade. And that he looked at gay porn early in their marriage. This was a much more serious issue than they have claimed publicly and she never seems to have been concerned with any of his past.

Much of her acceptance of her husband is due to her constant hunger for connection with him. Since she was a military child that moved around a lot, she lacked many relationships. She says that even her connection with her husband during their marriage was less than what she needed. So when he sinned and began pouring out his insides to her, she loved it because it was finally the connection she needed! His sins resulted in her needs being fulfilled, so she doesn't take his sins as being that bad.

Gayle even has the gall to condemn and blame the church for not being more forgiving of her husband, preaching about how a true church family would help restore him so he could lead them again. It's all me-me-me and few thoughts about how her husband destroyed the faith of many, as well as made Christianity a joke due to his many faults.

The book ends up being about how she thinks the church should be more forgiving of fallen leaders. She actually writes, after they were told to stay away from their church, "our exile didn't make sense in light of New Testament teachings." Huh? The post-resurrection believers who publicly sinned were very publicly punished (like the couple that lied to the apostles about selling land for the community and were struck dead for lying). The New Testament says you shouldn't even eat with a so-called brother who sins. She keeps repeating the verse about restoring a brother who sins--yet this guy didn't just simply commit a sin, he repeatedly for years deceived tens of thousands of people as the leader of the national evangelical group. He should have repented and used his failure to help others, as Chuck Colson has so brilliantly done in starting a prison ministry after going to jail for Watergate.

This family lived a well-off lifestyle paid for by churchgoers, which Ted must have expected since she admits he grew up in a wealthy family. They lived in a wooded home with a pool and private gate. The church paid for their expenses for over a year--include car, cell phone and insurance. They got a nice severance package and their son's private education was continued to be paid for. They got to stay for free in the beach house. The church even paid for their private lawyer after the scandal was exposed!

After the church paid for their expensive three weeks of counseling in Phoenix, the professionals point blank say that she is the one with major problems and that the couple was acting "like royalty." Even one of her three best friends abandons her after hearing the truth--and yet Gayle never accept responsibility and instead focuses on how terribly people are treating her.

Then she complains that they have to start to pay for things themselves and friends abandoned them. For instance, Ted admitted privately to her that he also had relations with a guy in the church, then she complains that the church leaders are on a "witch hunt" to find if there are others who were abused in the church. The church's logical reaction to his confessions are slammed by her as being "unbiblical." She also condemns virtually every person Ted had personally put in authority over them to keep them accountable--when the church board and the restoration team lay the resolutions on the line after reviewing the evidence, Gayle point blank rejects every bit of it. There is virtually no person in this book who comes away unscathed by her attacks other than her family.

She gets to the point where she is whining that they aren't being treated respectfully--so instead of her worrying about the damage her husband has done to the thousands of followers, she complains that their pictures and books have been removed from the church! This woman's ego is so huge--like other fallen preacher couples (Jim & Tammy Faye Bakker, Jimmy & Frances Swaggart, etc.), she sees she and her husband as the victims instead of focusing on the tragedy they both contributed to.

This should have been a story that begged forgiveness and wallowed in humble sadness. Instead it's defiant, rebellious to any spiritual authority, naive and reflects a distorted gospel. She wants sympathy and wants everyone to believe she and her husband are something they're not. She still has not learned the lesson she needs to learn and the book will only infuriate those looking for a peaceful resolution to this tragedy.

I was prepared to laugh through this book. Even joked that I knew exactly why she'd stayed... I thought "what a dope". But having read this book, I can no longer criticize Gayle Haggard nor her husband. I love restoration and I love people who've been humbled. And I love people who are ABLE to forgive. All I can say is "Wow".

I have a few problems with this book. I really don't know where to start! Let's see...

1. How can Gayle have the audacity to say that Ted is not accountable to anyone but her for his behavior? All leaders are accountable to their constituents! Also, this applies even more so to Ted because he was a religious leader.

2. Why/how could she believe that although Ted "didn't cheat" she and her son should still be checked for STDs (since Ted was across the room from the man)? How do you catch a STD from across the room???!!! Furthermore, why did her friends, family, editor, and publisher allow her to release such a ridiculous statement to the world!

3. I completely agree with her that the Church treated them inappropriately. However, Gayle beat the point to death in this book.

Besides the aforementioned issues, Gayle actually did a great job of making this book interesting. I must also admit that I was suprised about the level of honesty in regards to Ted's many transgressions. I want to say that Gayle is admirable for staying with him. However, knowing that he's done this type of thing many times in the past leaves me sitting on the fence. How do you determine when you are demonstrating faith versus plain old foolishness? Well, since she stayed, I pray that Ted appreciates her love and commitment to him. I will continue to pray for Gayle and Ted. I pray that God blesses and restores them. I also pray that God somehow uses this experience for His glory.

Dr. Angela Isom
Author of Quitters Never Win & Winners Never Quit

*****
(Note: A nice advantage of buying the Kindle edition of this book is that it has the footnotes linked to the references, which I found especially convenient. I'm not sure if all Kindle books have this feature, because it is the first time I've encountered it, but I really like it. It makes it easy to jump to the reference and then right back to where you were reading. )

I watched Gayle and Ted Haggard on Oprah yesterday and immediately bought this book, because I was so impressed with what appeared to be Gayle's strength and authenticity as she shared about her choice to stay in her marriage. I was intrigued by Oprah's reaction to her as well; she seemed incredulous that anyone could make this choice under the circumstances. I had to know more. I am so very glad now that I read this book because it is an important one. No matter how you might feel about the Haggard scandal, your opinion is formed based upon media reports and second-hand information. Reading this book allows you to have firsthand information, but more importantly, to think critically about issues such as the role of the church in restoration, how we judge each other, marriage commitment, denial, forgiveness, grace, punishment, the nature of repentance, and more. No matter what your feelings about the scandal, this book will give you much to think about.

The book is written with Angela Hunt, a seasoned Christian writer. This was a great choice, as the book is well-written and riveting, hard to put down.

I began the book intrigued about how Gayle Haggard recovered from seemingly insurmountable betrayal. And I thought that perhaps I could learn something about love and forgiveness that could help me in my own marriage. Gayle's choice to stay could indeed have been written off to denial and weakness, but I suspected something different. And I found it.

Gayle describes the scandal from her point of view in detail. She then walks the reader through the steps she took to choose love and forgiveness for Ted, and why she made this choice; of course, the decision itself was a process, not a one time event. She describes how they submitted themselves to God to both suffer the consequences of Ted's sin, which were many. (By choosing to stay with Ted, Gayle suffered, unfairly, as well.) She writes candidly of their painful isolation from their church family and the reasons behind it.

Through it all, she writes how she wanted to be an example of Christ's love and forgiveness. She asked herself, "Who are you going to be in this story? How are you going to be honorable?" She writes that "love isn't a feeling, it's a choice--a choice we make ever day, sometimes every hour" and she shares how she did this. This is the true beauty and value of the book, not the details of a scandal, but the unusual choice that Gayle made, how she took control and made a counter-cultural choice that empowered both her and her family.

She discusses the many problems with the restoration process--what worked and what didn't--and how changes can be made in the Christian church so that restoration can be more healing rather than strictly punitive.

The book will be of greatest interest to those who are Christians or who are interested in Christianity. It may offend some who see the church as only for the righteous and perhaps self-righteous rather than as welcoming place for all, as "a community of sinners who are grateful they've met the Savior". There are Scripture verses throughout. However, I think that the book would also be very worthwhile for those who are not Christians but who are interested in psychology and marriage and human nature.

Before reading the book I was astounded that someone who had a clear Biblical reason to leave, a built-in permission to escape the shame and pain and rebuilding process, would actually choose--choose--to stay. Gayle's reward was a sought after intimacy with her husband that she had never had before, plus a family that was stronger than before. She did indeed choose an alternative path, one which was and is terribly difficult, but a valid choice nevertheless. She is not saying (nor am I) that every woman should choose this path, but merely that divorce is not the only option, and that staying in a marriage should be up to the individual woman. I learned much from her story about love, forgiveness, and commitment that I can apply to my own marriage. It's easy to write her story off and minimize her experience by calling it denial; however, I think that's a mistake that closes the door to understanding the power of what actually happened and to the potential power of the Gospel.

Highly recommended.
*****

An inspiring story of grace under pressure. At its core, this book is about a family that grows stronger and closer together in the midst of severe adversity.

The book resonates with transparency, humility and generosity of spirit. Those who approach these pages with pre-conceived opinions may be surprised to find their paradigms shattered and their prejudices revealed. Here is how a family responds to tragedy with God's help; here is how a family not only "survives" trauma but actually grows healthier because of it.

On another level the book is a compelling invitation to the community of faith --- suggesting that the process of restoration merits higher and better consideration than it has received. While every case and every situation may be unique, there are underlying principles of community, fellowship and mutual participation which ought to shape the contours of the healing process.

Dr. David & Lisa Frisbie
The Center for Marriage & Family Studies
Del Mar, California

This book is written from Gayle Haggard's perspective and was obviously penned by a naive, priviledged, pampered woman who spouts off her self-centered perception of a matter than has affected thousands of people. But how else could she share her story other than from her own perspective? The book title lures readers' interest by offering why she chose to remain in her marriage, but more than half of the book is rittled with ad nauseum recounts of the unfair treatment she feels her husband and family experienced with the overseers, restorative personnel and members of New Life Church. So? For one that claims to have written the book to help people heal, it appears she still has much of that to do herself. Seems "the big picture" decisions the leaders and/or church members made were not to her expectations. That's life! Her story is certainly riveting, but the book should have centered (and remained) on why she chose to stay with her husband rather than maligning the church, members and its leaders. She offers wonderful and helpful guidance to women who may have had such experience with the loss of trust and fidelity in their marriages. The example of forgiveness and grace in her story is certainly invaluable, commendable and powerful. Too bad she ruined the premise and presentation of what could have been a great love story with endless whining.

This book is well written, inspiring and hard to put down. There are parts of the content that are difficult to read but reading it made me dig deep into myself and examine all areas of who I am and who I desire to be.
The Humility and Honesty that Gayle writes with are truly inspiring. I found myself wanting to be a better Christian, a better Wife and a better friend.
I was a part of New Life Church the day the "Scandal Broke" and my family was devastated and deeply hurt. The impact of that day will never be forgotten in our family. Today though I can say I believe the impact this book has had on me and will have on the people who read it will far outweigh the negatives of the scandal.

Gayle has once again made me admire her for the inner strength and Beauty that has always been present in everything she does.

One other important thing that prevails in this book is the strength of the Haggard family. I thought there was alot of valuable information for all families in dealing with difficult situations and how to work through those things with love and respect for each other.