Customer Reviews

Why Talking Is Not Enough: Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage

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This is a very powerful book. It offers a radical notion -- that you can make your marriage a whole lot better, without getting your spouse to do it with you.

Most people probably would think this is either impossible or terribly unfair. But Susan Page argues that if you're unhappy or not getting what you want out of your marriage, you have a whole lot more power to make your marriage better than you ever imagined. In fact, she makes it clear that feeling that power, that sense of control over the emotional quality of your marriage, MORE than makes up for any feeling of how "unfair" it all is that you're the one who's orchestrating the changes.

The "8 Loving Actions" that she talks about are, in fact, ways that one person can change the dynamics of a relationship, turning anger, fear or distance into support and caring. More and more research on marriage shows that it's not "conflict" and the inability to resolve it that breaks up marriage; it's the dysfunctional dance that two people get into, that make them unable to support and soothe one another. This book shows you how to go from being a victim of the dance, constantly getting your feet stepped on, to taking the lead. Eventually your spouse can't help but start trying your new, more enjoyable dance steps.

This probably won't be enough to fix a marriage that's been damaged by drugs, alcohol, constant philandering, or physical abuse (although Susan Page has very useful advice even in those circumstances). But for garden-variety marital unhappiness -- the feeling of being unsupported, or of the marriage having gone stale -- this book is a godsend. It can make the difference between resigning oneself to having a ho-hum marriage that's not really great, but not really bad enough to leave -- and having a marriage that is full of life, and joy, and satisfaction for years to come.

This book is about developing a "Spiritual Partnership" with your mate. Surprisingly, Susan Page believes that this is possible even if all the effort is coming from only one of the partners. In essence, it's about how to be a spiritual partner yourself. Though it is actually a rewrite of an earlier book (If we're so in love, Why aren't we happy?), it has been augmented and reorganized so that it's even better than before.

After 30 years of marriage, my husband and I have certainly gotten to the point of realizing that more discussion just doesn't help: Most of our issues have been on the table for years. We've discussed them many times, we understand the other person's point of view, and can even empathize to a certain extent. And yet, in the past, when one of these hot-button issues would surface (once again), we would both feel hopeless and demoralized.

This book really helped me to change my focus; and to the extent I have been able to follow through with the "experiments," I've seen improvement--not in getting my husband to finally see things "my way," but in both of us being happier and more comfortable in our relationship.

This is one of the best self-help books about marriage that I have ever read; and although its focus is on couples, I found the approaches it suggests are also helpful in my relationships with my children and co-workers. I have recommended it to many friends and relatives, and their reactions to it have been quite positive as well.

Why Talking Is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage by Susan Page is one of those books that flies against the conventional advice that's often given when it comes to marriage counseling. But after you get over the "but that can't be right" feeling, there's a lot to be said for her approach.

Content:
Part 1 - What Is Spiritual Partnership?: Introducing Spiritual Partnership; Loving Action 1 - Adopt a Spirit of Good Will; LA 2 - Give Up Problem Solving; LA 3 - Act as If; LA 4 - Practice Restraint; LA 5 - Balance Giving and Taking; LA 6 - Act on Your Own; LA 7 - Practice Acceptance; LA 8 - Practice Compassion
Part 2 - Putting Spiritual Partnership to Work in Your Relationship: Exactly How to Use the Eight Loving Actions; Frequently Asked Questions; Communication Within Spiritual Partnership; Making Mature Judgments
Part 3 - Spiritual Partnership in a Broader Context: Defining the "Spiritual" in Spiritual Partnership; The Future of Spiritual Partnership
References and Further Reading; About the Author

Most self-help books related to marriage dwell on communication... the give and take of negotiation. Page contends that the approach is more adversarial in nature, and basically tries to change something you have no control over: the other person. Instead, she suggests that taking responsibility for yourself and your own actions is much more effective in the long run, as you *can* control yourself. The actions are centered around what's referred to as a "spiritual practice", or the act of looking at your day-to-day interactions as an exercise of your spiritual nature. If you are focusing on making yourself into the best person you can be, then changes in the other person will also flow. These actions, also called experiments, are designed to help you learn what works and what doesn't in your relationship. If you try something and it doesn't work, that's good as you've learned something you didn't know before. It's a different approach to what you normally think of as marriage or relationship counseling, but I can see where it would have benefits over the standard "talk it out" approach.

Where I tend to have issues is with the focus on "if it's authentic for you, it's right" ethic. In this book, she feels that learning you're not right for your mate and splitting is as good an outcome as becoming closer. If you feel that there *are* moral and ethical absolutes, then some of the underlying foundations of what's in here won't resonate with you. Still, looking at the actions and the mindset of "change yourself before trying to change others" has some real value. I've personally always felt that trying to elicit change in others to suit your own self is chancy at best, and futile in most cases...

Definitely worth a read and consideration if the "I gave up something, now why won't they do the same" path isn't working for you...

I've been a marriage counselor and educator for 25 years; after reading this book I'll never "do" relationship counseling the same again. Susan Page offers us an entirely new paradigm for relationship counseling. Her 'spiritual partnership' concept and approach is revolutionary. Some might blithly think Page naive, but they need to look more deeply into the profound implicaitons of her ideas. Let's face it, marriage counseling has been a dismal failure; as Page points out so well, we, as marriage counselors have worshiped at the dual alters of 1) problem resolution, and 2) communication skills. This is the central issue of my frustration with marriage counseling, I sometimes feel that I'm just teaching couples to talk more clearly about their problems ... the problems only come into clearer focus for them. This isn't solving problems, it's exacerbating them! It simply hasn't worked. Page's new and refreshing approach turns the entire enterprise of counseling around so we all can step back, see the situation more objectively, and take action, not just talk. Anyone who spends any time in their counseling practice with couples needs to read this book, and to recommend this book to their clients.

My husband and I have been working on our communication and other hot topics for over ten years. As you would expect, we come from different perspectives and have yet to sustantially improve our communication or resolve our hot issues. In counseling our therapist recommended we discontinue our efforts to resolve our issues and try working on our spiritual connection individually and together. A friend recommended a book that she discovered in her search for some help in her spiritual practice. Just reviewing the first chapter on-line sold me on Susan Page's book. I bought it immediately and then my husband bought it, he was so impressed with my recommendation. We are both reading and working on our spiritual practices and are amazed at the results. We can only work on ourselves. We cannot fix others. There are many relationship guru's who are saying very much the same things, in different ways. This book spoke directly to me. The basic message is to start with yourself. I've read my fair share of self-help and relationship rescue books with good information and messages, but this one gives you "experiments' to try which was a bonus for me. I finally had something that worked for me that didn't take a degree, or hours of unavailable time to write or perform. I saw immediate results and I feel "free" at last. I no longer feel trapped or victimized. I can take action and feel the power of an inner peace I've never felt. I recommend this book regularly to family and friends. I am using the loving actions with all my relationships. Without the recommendation of my therapist to develop a spiritual practice and the tip on this book, I believe my marriage would be no more. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by reading this book!

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Having worked with many couples over the past 35 years I feel I can echo the testimonials Susan has received from some very prominent and thoughtful people--this is a really good book, one I would recommend--and I don't recommend books often or casually. What impressed me the most was that if people actually follow these suggestions, I know their relationship will really improve. How often can that be said? I have recognized over the years, as clearly Susan have also, that much of what doesn't work in relationships has to do with ignorance rather than ill intent. If a person has been raised in an unloving family, then that person simply does not know what actual loving actions are. This book provides that information in such a clear and digestible way; it really provides an important and useful service.

This book came at a time when I realized talking WILL NOT work.Nothing was working in the marriage, only getting much worse than it already was even though we were going for counseling. My husband and I are at an impasse and trying to solve our problems IS NOT working no matter how much we try to "communicate" Even in the book Ms. Page wrote that usually one communicater is more effective than the other so that the communicating with each other is unequal and does put one of the partners at a disadvantage. So therefore the communicating only gets worse,goes around and around, and nothing gets "solved".That is SO true/ It is freeing to know that we can't change our partner only ourselves and Ms. Page says it all in this book. It's Practical,and makes so much sense! and it's great that you don't have to involve someone else. You can do it on your own and it will make a difference!If only for yourself.(and eventually the other person too)
She has the right focus and boy did this book come at the right time!It is definitely a marriage and life saver! I have read and listened to so may marriage counseling books but no one has hit it like this book has!
Thank You Ms. Page!

Susan Page's new book is the best relationship book I have read in a long time! It is POWERFUL because it is PRACTICAL - in other words, Susan brings the expression of love down to earth by advocating clear, specific, actions that demonstrate in physical reality the intention to create a loving, harmonious partnership. Far from theoretical or academic, this book puts love into practice. The book is EMPOWERING because it puts the tools for change in your hands - you do not have to wait until your partner changes for your relationship to get better! Susan's book is innovative in the following ways: 1) She suggests that communication is NOT the most important relationship skill. Far more important is the ability to take loving actions. These loving actions are a way for the individual to further their own spiritual growth and development because they focus on "being" a loving partner rather than on getting your partner to change or to admit that they are wrong and you are right. Page offers a convincing argument for why trying to get your partner to change never works anyway, and it usually makes things worse! and, 2) Susan suggests that couples take the focus off their problems (because, the more you focus on problems, the more problems are all you see) and instead focus on learning to be happy together. In fact she advocates giving up problem-solving altogether because, as Carl Jung says, "All the greatest and most important problems of this life are fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved, but only outgrown." Susan's book offers invaluable advice and guidance for the step-by-step process of "outgrowing" your problems by becoming actively engaged in the possibility of love, support, and nurturance in your relationship. I couldn't recommend this book more. If you are tired of hearing yourself talk (and argue)and ready to try something truly radical and transformative, buy this book and try the loving actions. You won't be disappointed!

Susan Page's Why Talking Is Not Enough could (and should) be titled Spiritual Partnership, which is reallly what it's about. It's a radical yet practical guide to transforming your partnership. Unlike hundreds of other titles that guide couples through the pitfalls of communication, problem-solving and other challenges to the other side, this book cuts to the chase and gives individuals within the couple everything they need to become a "spiritual leader" at home,to single-handedly shift the tone to one of good will and connection WITHOUT talking it all out.
One reviewer described Page as an "Ann Landers channeling Buddha." It's an apt description.
I have written about conflict resolution and taught communication for years, taken couples training of every description, and I consider this a breakthrough approach to making peace at home.

Family Law Attorney recommends this book before you see me., September 7, 2006
Reviewer: "R.P." (Berkeley, CA)

As I family law attorney, I see many couples after months and even years of "conventional" talk therapy (costing a great deal). Try this first. The suggestions and tactics in this book are those one often sees partners use in happy,long term marriages; e.g., the acceptance of behaviors you probably aren;t going to change in yourself or have little chance of changing in the partner. This book "ages" you to that divine state. You learn how to develop a blessed acceptance which frees one up to enjoy life instead of acting out the old radio couple, the Bickersons, who never stop nattering at each other until one dies or leaves.