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26 of 27 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Finally, insight to long sought after questions about connectiong with people/family, July 13, 2006
This review is from: Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships (Paperback)
- a must read for adults who want to better understand their childhood/family dynamics and improve them, and for parents who do not want to repeat mistakes of the past.
The authors have offered insight into family dynamics based on scientific study and their work with patients. They have uncomplicatedly classifed relationships into 4 areas. The premise is that our relationship styles are based on the relationships we had in our families. I have not been able to book the book down.
The authors also offer a section on building healthy relationships with our children and tools to change your future.
Over the years, despite a successful career, great husband and family, I have had nagging feelings of emptiness and loneliness my entire life. But on the outside, I look like a happy, well adjusted and confident working mom. What is the source of these feelings and how do I replace them with happy feelings?
I have been reading books on self-esteem. Some of the content is relevant, but I feel that what I am reading is a prescription for a symptom, not the true problem.
Reading "Why you do the things you do" was an incredible Ah-ha moment. I think I now have the start of a comprehensive tool kit - to really review my history and my 'today' in a completely and constructive manner.
I need to mention that I have seen the book in Christian book stores. One of the author's goals is to help build a stronger relationship with God of a relationship style has hindered that in the past. The Christian content is fairly small and a bit understated.
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Attachment styles for the lay reader, March 16, 2010
This review is from: Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships (Paperback)
This book adapts the well-known concept of "attachment styles" for a broad audience. The authors, clinicians themselves, rename the concept "relationship styles," in order to help readers see more clearly that how they "attached" to others in childhood (primarily parents and caregivers) affects how they "attach," or relate, to spouses, children and friends in adulthood.
The four styles of attachment (one secure and three insecure -- pretty bad odds!) are brought to life with examples of people the authors have counseled. The examples of each style are clear and unambiguous, so it's fairly easy to place yourself in a particular style.
This ability to see yourself in accepted and well-studied concepts is in a way freeing. I'm not sure that the information does you any good, though, unless it is accompanied by personal therapy with a trained counselor. The book tells you why you do the things you do (hence the title) but it doesn't delve very deeply into what you can do about it. Perhaps the authors should follow up with a book that is more specific about how to effect change for the better.
For example, in terms of the marital relationship, the authors discuss in some detail the good and bad ways to argue, but I didn't gain a lot of insight into how to communicate better with your spouse on a day-to-day basis. They do, however, talk a lot about how to change the way you relate to your children. They make a strong case that reacting well to your children's negative emotions goes a long way toward helping them develop healthy relationships. Their idea of "emotion coaching" is practical and easy to adapt to daily interactions with your children. Perhaps these methods can be applied to adult relationships. I'll have to give it a try.
I'm reading this book along with Boundaries With Kids and the two together help parents to lovingly create an intentional framework for raising secure and emotionally healthy children. Parenting With Love And Logic is a good resource, too.
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17 of 21 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
The bedrock of all relational books..., July 21, 2006
This review is from: Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships (Paperback)
The earlier (hard copy) edition of this book was titled "Attachments" and used primarily by competent clinicians everywhere. The book has been "oprahfied" (if you will) in that it is now palatable to the lay person who wants to rise to the challenge of "Know Thyself". There is simply no better place to start in terms of understanding the relationships you have and hope to have.
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