In this transformational book, the authors have used ground-breaking research to develop four primary patterns of relating to one another that shed light on our actions--and how we can learn to love and be loved even better.
Why You Do the Things You Do
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Editorial Reviews
About the Author
Tim Clinton, Ed.D, LPC, LMFT, is president of the American Association of Christian Counselors. He is professor of Counseling and Pastoral Care at Liberty University and is executive director of the Liberty University Center for Counseling and Family Studies.
Dr. Gary Sibcy is a licensed professional counselor and marriage and family therapist at Piedmont Psychiatric Center in Lynchburg, Virginia. He is also an adjunct professor in Liberty University's doctoral program in professional counseling, as well as a consultant for group homes with troubled children.
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More About the Author
(Ed. D. The College of William and Mary) is President of the nearly 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), the largest and most diverse Christian counseling association in the world. He is Professor of Counseling and Pastoral Care, and Executive Director of the Center for Counseling and Family Studies at Liberty University. Licensed in Virginia as both a Professional Counselor (LPC) and Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Tim now spends a majority of his time working with Christian leaders and professional athletes. He is recognized as a world leader in faith and mental health issues and has authored 20 books including his latest, Breakthrough: When to Give In, When to Push Back. Most importantly, Tim has been married 31 years to his wife Julie and together they have two children, Megan and Zach.
Customer Reviews
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
30 of 31 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars
Finally, insight to long sought after questions about connectiong with people/family
July 13, 2006
By C. Labuda
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
- a must read for adults who want to better understand their childhood/family dynamics and improve them, and for parents who do not want to repeat mistakes of the past.
The authors have offered insight into family dynamics based on scientific study and their work with patients. They have uncomplicatedly classifed relationships into 4 areas. The premise is that our relationship styles are based on the relationships we had in our families. I have not been able to book the book down.
The authors also offer a section on building healthy relationships with our children and tools to change your future.
Over the years, despite a successful career, great husband and family, I have had nagging feelings of emptiness and loneliness my entire life. But on the outside, I look like a happy, well adjusted and confident working mom. What is the source of these feelings and how do I replace them with happy feelings?
I have been reading books on self-esteem. Some of the content is relevant, but I feel that what I am reading is a prescription for a symptom, not the true problem.
Reading "Why you do the things you do" was an incredible Ah-ha moment. I think I now have the start of a comprehensive tool kit - to really review my history and my 'today' in a completely and constructive manner.
I need to mention that I have seen the book in Christian book stores. One of the author's goals is to help build a stronger relationship with God of a relationship style has hindered that in the past. The Christian content is fairly small and a bit understated.
The authors have offered insight into family dynamics based on scientific study and their work with patients. They have uncomplicatedly classifed relationships into 4 areas. The premise is that our relationship styles are based on the relationships we had in our families. I have not been able to book the book down.
The authors also offer a section on building healthy relationships with our children and tools to change your future.
Over the years, despite a successful career, great husband and family, I have had nagging feelings of emptiness and loneliness my entire life. But on the outside, I look like a happy, well adjusted and confident working mom. What is the source of these feelings and how do I replace them with happy feelings?
I have been reading books on self-esteem. Some of the content is relevant, but I feel that what I am reading is a prescription for a symptom, not the true problem.
Reading "Why you do the things you do" was an incredible Ah-ha moment. I think I now have the start of a comprehensive tool kit - to really review my history and my 'today' in a completely and constructive manner.
I need to mention that I have seen the book in Christian book stores. One of the author's goals is to help build a stronger relationship with God of a relationship style has hindered that in the past. The Christian content is fairly small and a bit understated.
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
This book adapts the well-known concept of "attachment styles" for a broad audience. The authors, clinicians themselves, rename the concept "relationship styles," in order to help readers see more clearly that how they "attached" to others in childhood (primarily parents and caregivers) affects how they "attach," or relate, to spouses, children and friends in adulthood.
The four styles of attachment (one secure and three insecure -- pretty bad odds!) are brought to life with examples of people the authors have counseled. The examples of each style are clear and unambiguous, so it's fairly easy to place yourself in a particular style.
This ability to see yourself in accepted and well-studied concepts is in a way freeing. I'm not sure that the information does you any good, though, unless it is accompanied by personal therapy with a trained counselor. The book tells you why you do the things you do (hence the title) but it doesn't delve very deeply into what you can do about it. Perhaps the authors should follow up with a book that is more specific about how to effect change for the better.
For example, in terms of the marital relationship, the authors discuss in some detail the good and bad ways to argue, but I didn't gain a lot of insight into how to communicate better with your spouse on a day-to-day basis. They do, however, talk a lot about how to change the way you relate to your children. They make a strong case that reacting well to your children's negative emotions goes a long way toward helping them develop healthy relationships. Their idea of "emotion coaching" is practical and easy to adapt to daily interactions with your children. Perhaps these methods can be applied to adult relationships. I'll have to give it a try.
I'm reading this book along with Boundaries With Kids and the two together help parents to lovingly create an intentional framework for raising secure and emotionally healthy children. Parenting With Love And Logic is a good resource, too.
The four styles of attachment (one secure and three insecure -- pretty bad odds!) are brought to life with examples of people the authors have counseled. The examples of each style are clear and unambiguous, so it's fairly easy to place yourself in a particular style.
This ability to see yourself in accepted and well-studied concepts is in a way freeing. I'm not sure that the information does you any good, though, unless it is accompanied by personal therapy with a trained counselor. The book tells you why you do the things you do (hence the title) but it doesn't delve very deeply into what you can do about it. Perhaps the authors should follow up with a book that is more specific about how to effect change for the better.
For example, in terms of the marital relationship, the authors discuss in some detail the good and bad ways to argue, but I didn't gain a lot of insight into how to communicate better with your spouse on a day-to-day basis. They do, however, talk a lot about how to change the way you relate to your children. They make a strong case that reacting well to your children's negative emotions goes a long way toward helping them develop healthy relationships. Their idea of "emotion coaching" is practical and easy to adapt to daily interactions with your children. Perhaps these methods can be applied to adult relationships. I'll have to give it a try.
I'm reading this book along with Boundaries With Kids and the two together help parents to lovingly create an intentional framework for raising secure and emotionally healthy children. Parenting With Love And Logic is a good resource, too.
19 of 23 people found the following review helpful
By Crucifest
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
The earlier (hard copy) edition of this book was titled "Attachments" and used primarily by competent clinicians everywhere. The book has been "oprahfied" (if you will) in that it is now palatable to the lay person who wants to rise to the challenge of "Know Thyself". There is simply no better place to start in terms of understanding the relationships you have and hope to have.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
4.0 out of 5 stars
good so far
I have heard a lot about these authors. So far the book is enjoyable. I really like scientific backing to keep up on changes in traditional theory.
Published 10 days ago by Matt Roberts
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great service, great book
I really enjoyed this book. I gives great examples. I received it quickly. I recommend this book to anyone who may want to reflect on their relationships.
Published 19 days ago by Lucia Pacheco
5.0 out of 5 stars
Definitely worth reading!
Incredibly helpful and practical. Great insights for how to have a secure, healthy relationship as you overcome the brokenness and woundedness of your past.
Published 1 month ago by Kent Fillinger
5.0 out of 5 stars
A Must Read!!
This is not a novel and takes some processing. You also need to be able to be completely objective and straight up bluntly honest with yourself. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Lelania M
5.0 out of 5 stars
why you do the things you do
I like the book, it is very indepth. I would tell others about it. why you do the things you do gave me a lot of insight
Published 3 months ago by carol ann
5.0 out of 5 stars
Highly Recommend Reading this Book!
I loved this book, plan to re-read and highly recommend the book to others. I am a very dysfunctional person and feel like this book gave me knowledge to help improve myself and my... Read more
Published 4 months ago by Zebrababy
5.0 out of 5 stars
Bought for a gift
have not read but got for a gift (initially as a joke) and just so happened that the couple i got it for got into an argument. Read more
Published 4 months ago by jensenj1
5.0 out of 5 stars
Great Book
I was introduced to this book by a Christian Counselor in my church that conducted a 6 week class containing many things from this book. Read more
Published 5 months ago by Thatgirl
5.0 out of 5 stars
Why takes us directly to ourselves and our patterns of relating
Why You Do the Things You do: not only do they identify why but offer helps to development and maintence of good relationships. Read more
Published 5 months ago by Marcia L. Howland
5.0 out of 5 stars
Ordering Book
The book arrived before its promised date. It is very well written, very easy to read, but loaded with a lot of data. I read it in one day. Read more
Published 8 months ago by Heather Woods
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