Customer Reviews

Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships

5 star:		(13)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

- a must read for adults who want to better understand their childhood/family dynamics and improve them, and for parents who do not want to repeat mistakes of the past.

The authors have offered insight into family dynamics based on scientific study and their work with patients. They have uncomplicatedly classifed relationships into 4 areas. The premise is that our relationship styles are based on the relationships we had in our families. I have not been able to book the book down.

The authors also offer a section on building healthy relationships with our children and tools to change your future.

Over the years, despite a successful career, great husband and family, I have had nagging feelings of emptiness and loneliness my entire life. But on the outside, I look like a happy, well adjusted and confident working mom. What is the source of these feelings and how do I replace them with happy feelings?

I have been reading books on self-esteem. Some of the content is relevant, but I feel that what I am reading is a prescription for a symptom, not the true problem.

Reading "Why you do the things you do" was an incredible Ah-ha moment. I think I now have the start of a comprehensive tool kit - to really review my history and my 'today' in a completely and constructive manner.

I need to mention that I have seen the book in Christian book stores. One of the author's goals is to help build a stronger relationship with God of a relationship style has hindered that in the past. The Christian content is fairly small and a bit understated.

This book adapts the well-known concept of "attachment styles" for a broad audience. The authors, clinicians themselves, rename the concept "relationship styles," in order to help readers see more clearly that how they "attached" to others in childhood (primarily parents and caregivers) affects how they "attach," or relate, to spouses, children and friends in adulthood.

The four styles of attachment (one secure and three insecure -- pretty bad odds!) are brought to life with examples of people the authors have counseled. The examples of each style are clear and unambiguous, so it's fairly easy to place yourself in a particular style.

This ability to see yourself in accepted and well-studied concepts is in a way freeing. I'm not sure that the information does you any good, though, unless it is accompanied by personal therapy with a trained counselor. The book tells you why you do the things you do (hence the title) but it doesn't delve very deeply into what you can do about it. Perhaps the authors should follow up with a book that is more specific about how to effect change for the better.

For example, in terms of the marital relationship, the authors discuss in some detail the good and bad ways to argue, but I didn't gain a lot of insight into how to communicate better with your spouse on a day-to-day basis. They do, however, talk a lot about how to change the way you relate to your children. They make a strong case that reacting well to your children's negative emotions goes a long way toward helping them develop healthy relationships. Their idea of "emotion coaching" is practical and easy to adapt to daily interactions with your children. Perhaps these methods can be applied to adult relationships. I'll have to give it a try.

I'm reading this book along with Boundaries With Kids and the two together help parents to lovingly create an intentional framework for raising secure and emotionally healthy children. Parenting With Love And Logic is a good resource, too.

The earlier (hard copy) edition of this book was titled "Attachments" and used primarily by competent clinicians everywhere. The book has been "oprahfied" (if you will) in that it is now palatable to the lay person who wants to rise to the challenge of "Know Thyself". There is simply no better place to start in terms of understanding the relationships you have and hope to have.

In Why You Do the Things You Do Drs. Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy outline what they see as the secret to healthy relationships. Beginning with the premise that humans have been created for relationship, they give an overview of four distinct relationship styles and consider how they play out in the context of important types of relationships.

The first style is the type that is desired--the secure relationship style. Individuals who relate this way are both capable and confident; they have a great sense of self-esteem, respect the feelings of others, expect to be respected, and are trusting. This does not mean they will not encounter conflicts; rather, it ensures that the inevitable conflict is handled properly, leading to relationship growth. Secure relationship styles can be fostered through emotion coaching, teaching self-awareness, and cultivating developmental focus. Children are best taught the secure relationship style by seeing it lived out in the lives of their parents.

The avoidant style is discussed next. Those who relate this way are not trusting of others in a relationship and hinge their self-worth on personal success. God created man for intimacy, but avoidant people fear getting close to another person. In response to soul wounds of the past, they have built up walls to avoid hurt by avoiding close relationships. They have difficulty showing sensitivity to those they are close to, don't like talking about their past, and are often turned off by physical touch. Generally, they revolve their life around the belief that they are the only person they can rely on to meet their needs and deny the necessity of relationships with others.

The ambivalent style is a bit more trusting than the avoidant, but is still characterized by low self-esteem and the belief that others cannot be unconditionally trusted. This style can be cultivated through inconsistent parenting, such as when parents withhold affection or overprotect. These relaters seek out a strong protector to care for them but instead of this being a secure relationship they believe it to be contingent on pleasing the other person. Ambivalent relaters are terrified of showing their emotions for fear that their protector figures will run away.

The final relationship style is disorganized. These types of people hold a negative view of themselves and others, and often fluctuate inconsistently between the first three styles. Disorganization of this kind usually results from some sort of childhood abuse and tends to become cyclical, with the individuals raising their own families abusively. Because of how they grew up, they see abuse as familiar and tend to dissociate themselves from their pain.

Clinton and Sibcy then turn to an evaluation of these relationship styles as they play out in the three major relationships in an individual's life--relationship with God, spouse, and children. They explicitly reiterate what was implied in the first half of the book, positing God as a safe haven even when there is no other. One's relationship with God should be primary, and a secure relationship with God will help foster secure relationships with other people even amidst tragedy. This relationship will not come naturally and must be longed for and worked at, but it represents the foundation for all other relationships and must therefore be secure in order to provide support for the others.

They key to working towards a secure relationship will come through evaluating one's past and understanding the need for healing. Then, by reframing the story into its proper perspective, healing can begin. When one realizes one's worth as a child of God, it should provide the necessary sense of self-worth to allow the repair of other relationships. To do this requires empathizing with others and seeing the world from their perspective. The secret to healthy relationships ultimately lies in the Biblical advice to love one's neighbor as oneself. Perhaps the seminal work on relationships, Clinton and Sibcy's work is a must read for those trying to understand their relationships with others.

This book is an insightful, well written, easy to read, resource for people who are willing to take a look at their relationship patterns and how they may be getting in the way of meeting your needs. I highly recommend it.

In Why You Do the Things You Do, the authors examine human relationships in a way that perfectly balances their clinical education and experience as professional counselors with a Christian worldview. Although actual Biblical references and principals are minimal, their approach is infused with the belief that God is at the center of all we do and are.

The first half of the book examines four "relationship styles" -- one secure and three insecure. The authors look at what causes people to develop a particular style (or a combination of styles), and give examples from their experiences that show what these styles actually look like in real people.

The second half of the book provides practical tips and advice for how those with insecure styles can build a closer relationship with God, a better marriage, become better parents, and truly break free and heal from the hurts of the past, thus breaking out of the bonds of an insecure relationship style into a secure one.

The only shortcoming I found in the book -- and why I am giving it four stars rather than five -- is that, like most books dealing with psychology and human relationships, their discussion is based on the assumption that everyone, even those with insecure styles, have spouses, children and close friends. They don't address at all the problem of people who have a lack of one or all of these types of relationships in their lives. This seems strange to me given that their book focuses on insecure relationship styles and that they show over and over again how these styles can make it difficult to form basic human relationships. Why, then, do they assume that their readers will have these relationships? They say that you need to "plug in" to your relationships (again assuming that the reader has relationships to plug into), and mention those who are helping the reader along their path to healing (again assuming that the reader has someone to help them). They completely fail to give advice about how to go about forming these necessary relationships for those who are lacking them.

In spite of this shortcoming, this book is full of wonderful information. If you are suffering in one of the three insecure relationship styles, this book should help you realize you are not alone (the world is full of others like you) and give you the courage to break free of your negative behaviors and start on your way to healing and healthy relationships. If you are already a secure-relationship individual, this book should help you to understand those among your family, friends and co-workers who are not so fortunate, why they act the way the do, and hopefully help them to heal.

With a non bias look at people, this book also helps you look at yourself and some of the things you do. One of those aha moments, so that's why I do that !!

This is a must read! This has helped me so much! I believe God showed me where this book is and I am going to share it with my children and Mother.

This book provides a really helpful paradigm to evaluate how you relate to people. It offers insight into why one might develop unhealthy ways of relating to others based on one's upbringing. It also provides hope and practical suggestions to create transformation in your relationship with God... leading to the transformation needed in unhealthy relationships with others.

I and others in my counseling practice have used this book extensively with tremendous success. This is a wonderful self help source to assist in the areas of self awareness and deeper understanding; uncovering destructive relational patterns and how to make positive changes for yourself, your spouse and your children. I would highly recommend this book to all who are looking to enrich their relationships and who desire to obtain freedom from issues of the past. A great read!