Customer Reviews

Wifework: What Marriage Really Means for Women

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4 star:		(3)
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1 star:		(1)

 

 

I bought this book as a 13th wedding anniversary gift to my wife. After having read it, she said there was nothing in the book that she didn't already know at some gut-level, but of course, she enjoyed it. Then, I read it. I had thought of myself as a considerate husband, but it surely opened my eyes! I found some of my behavioral patterns discussed and dissected in this book. It made me more conscious of my own perceptions of marriage, and seeded a discussion of these things with my wife.

The book argues cogently (though some points are made over and over again), based on a wealth of research with ample references at the end, that marriage has always been a better bargain for men than women, even after accounting for all the oft-repeated benefits to women. But the best contribution of this book is in its explicit analysis of the various facets of wifework: house work, child work, sex work, emotional work and relationship management. The author does not mince her words. While one could argue about how "extreme" the author may be in her own personal views (to her credit, she mostly labels these as such) and how her views may have been colored by her own two obviously bad marriages, this analysis of wifework and its components is most informative. It will enlighten husbands, validate the feelings of beleaguered wives, and most importantly encourage wives and husbands to engage in a conversation about these inequities and find their own balance and level of sharing in their marriages. It is for this reason that I recommend perhaps one should read "The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man with Wifework" after this book - see two diametrically opposite views and then seek your own balance!

Just spent the last 2 days reading and finishing "wife work".
Enjoyed it immensely, though I'm glad I read it after I split with my partner of 18years,it would have been too depressing to read in the relationship itself. This way I could laugh when reading of women going out to work seeing this as a welcome break from family life(or 'wifework') .It brought to mind of an experience I had years ago. After 13 years, 3 kids ,no time off for'good behavior'I finally negoitiated 1 night off per week and yes I did come home to disaster and awake kids etc but it was worth it.One evening waiting for a girlfriend to arrive I was bitten by a redback spider(3 times) lurking in my jeans.After ringing 'poisons info.line' I worked out that since the poison could take up to 1 1/2 hours to kick in I could still get to go to dinner first before maybe going to hospital for a shot of anti-venene.Deciding it was a bit risky I stayed home with the obvious expectation that the partner would take over(it was my night off after all!).In my frustrated dreams!Not only did I have to get my own icepack, the painkillers were offered and chucked from the door way, I still had to gather up the kids all running amok to put them into bed (twice) while he read the newspaper! Read the book it will ring alarm bells as it should if you want to stay married. Now if Susan Maushart could write a book on how to bring up my 3 boys so they don't fall into the same trap we might get somewhere changing those statisics!

"Wifework" makes it clear why women file for divorce better 70 percent of the time. In a day and age when abut half of first marriages fail and second marriages fare even worse, reading "Wifework" explains it all. Men like marriage because it serves them well. Women wake up one morning and realize they're doing more than their share trying to make it work. The stars in their eyes are replaced with the quesion, "Why do I need this?" and they realize they don't. Women can support themselves without a husband. They can buy a house or a car, all by themselves. They can have and raise children without a man, too. Read the book, ladies and tell me if you don't say, "Right On!!!"

I am a 60 yr old female living in WA state in a upper middle class community. I found this book in my search for remedies and treatments for my Fibromyalgia and anxiety. I consider this to be the best book I have ever read about the war of the sexes. I always had the feeling that I was living in some sort of battlefield of someone else's making. Growing up in the '50's and 16 years of Catholic school wrote my script and I have been fighting to change it for 40 years. I would love to see statistics on how many Fibro sufferers are in or have been in conventional marriages. The result of all that resentment and rage that simmers under the surface of most wives is often physical and psychic illness. If I were a writer this would have been my book for I related to every page. I am now working with my partner for a really equitable relationship. Thanks for this book.

I had some great expectations for this book and was not disappointed...until about halfway through the book, when I lost interest in being told the same thing over and over again by a woman who seems to have had a really bad second marriage.

The premise of the book, that marriage is a better deal for men than women, makes sense for all of the reasons Maushart illustrates. Women (even full-time employed women) still do an inordinate amount of housework, child care, and emotional caretaking as compared to their husbands, even in our "egalitarian" society. Maushart explains that marriage is one institution that has not caught up to the ideals of equality espoused throughout our culture.

The tone of Maushart's asides put me off, however. This woman has a chip on her shoulder, which is fine except that it sounds as though she really believes all men fit into her stereotypes. Even when she concedes that some men help out quite a bit, she'll throw in "but really we know that's not true." I found myself wondering whether this book was written to refer to an older generation (I'm 26). Even though she refers to many, many recent studies, I just don't know more than one peer couple whose home life reflects these massive inequalities. It certainly isn't the case in my home.

My opinion in the end is that I found much of this book hard to relate to, much as I wanted to. I am quite a feminist, very interested in women's studies. However, Maushart lost me along the way. I really can't recommend buying it--just read the first chapter or two while you're at the bookstore and you've gotten the point of the whole book.

I accidentally ran into this book in the library just yesterday afternoon and am already in the last few pages. Yes, I actually let the housework go on a Sunday afternoon in order to read this book, and for once I did not feel guilty! :-)

When I got married two years ago at 29 years old, a college-educated, feminist-minded woman, I went into it thinking "I will not do what my mother did", and it's been an eye-opening and often frustrating experience to find in how many ways I'm doing just that. Marriage really does look different on the other side of it, despite the supposed inroads that we have made in attitudes between the sexes and ideas of what marriage should be. Thank you, thank you, Susan Maushart for validating with *actual research* the feelings with which I have been struggling as a married woman in a post-feminist world! This book explains so much. Yes, it's depressing, as one reader pointed out (the thought "Gee, what's going to happen when kids enter our picture?" traveled across my mind a few times throughout), but in a way also uplifting to know that your feelings are real, valid, and there are very good reasons for them. Not to mention the value in the realization that it's not *completely* my fault--the institution of marriage and the "tradition" set by our parents just might be bigger than all of us.

After 30 years of marriage, I've decided that men and women don't view wifehood the same. In fact, they're entirely different perspectives altogether, and if any book can enlighten women to this fact - and men - way before they marry, both will be able to choose partners who may be able to live up to their unique expectations of what they each seek. It's about time we had books devoted to wife hood rather than motherhood since the largest majority of women's lives are spent within the conflicts of wife hood rather than motherhood. Somehow motherhood comes naturally; wife hood doesn't necessarily, particuarly, where duties are not evenly dispersed, freedom is curtailed because of those duties, and the amount of glue to hold families together is often borne by women alone, often because of their willingness to sacrifice in order to provide an environment in which their children may thrive. The importance of this is not solely because of romance but instead because raising children as a single parent alone is a very difficult job by either spouse. To date, society has yet to conquer the burdens of biology where women can comfortably work and receive similar rewards men receive, and to find a suitable outlet for all of the energy and muscle that is unique to men, that often results in aggressive conduct up to and including wars as they challenge their older contemporaries. This of course doesn't include the peculiar problems where it shows up as domestic violence and emotional harm to those so readily available to be overpowered, their wives and children. If we could conquer our own biology with understanding of its demands, we might be able to live peacably together cross gender and cross country. It might not hurt our government relations either in lieu of the competitive sideshows to which we are treated as simulating performance.

Amazing book. WOW! This book is so true. Who would want to be a wife? This book is about the history of wifework and the unfairness of the work load being put on most wives. Marriage is good for husbands but not good for wives. Or, so this book says. I now realize why I never got married. Although, at the time I couldn't put my finger on it. But, this book does. Lots of fingers in this book. :-) No wonder close to 75% of divorces are initiated by women. I couldn't believe how much sense this book makes. Amazing how many women think they have an equal partner when they really don't. Who does the majority of the work in the marriage? The wife! That's who. From cleaning the house, getting the kids to school, shuffling the kids around to all their appointments. Grocery shopping, bathing the kids, cooking the meals, planning the meals, making sure there are clean diapers. Who does the gift buying for not only her side of the family but the husbands too? Who plans the parties? Who mails the cards off for Christmas, birthdays, and other holidays? Wives, that's who. I could go on and on and on but I'm getting tired just typing this. A lot of these wives work outside the home either part time or full time (mostly full time) and still comes home to do most of the work mentioned above. This is what's called the "second shift". What do most husbands do? They work outside the home for a pay check. He may take the garbage out, clean the dishes from time to time. But, generally it's on his schedule. Now, granted the family needs income, but remember....weather a man is married or not, or weather or not he has children, he still has to work! Wives, you're not alone. Read this book and seek out fairness in your marriage. If I ever get married, but I wont, I don't want a husband....I want a wife! :-)

I read this last summer and have re-read it a few times since then. A great addition to this genre!

While I am in total agreement with author Maushart's opinion on the inequities in the marriage relationship, she fails to address the question as to why divorced women are always seeking new husbands to grant the same favors and perform the same duties they complained about initially? Could it be that women refuse to consider that marriage, love, sex and romance are in no way connected to one another? It appears to me that too many women invest too much time in stooping for a mate making marriage an overly delicate condition requiring inordinate amounts of attention to soothe. Sadly it appears that many women have underdeveloped emotional palates that force them to be one-half of a very watery couple instead of solo but savory! Tragically in doing so, women may be unconsciously encouraging a necrotic demise of their spirit that will be extremely difficult if not impossible to resuscitate!

Wouldn't it be better to put aside the gender blame game and instead recognize that the concept of "till death do us part" has become impossible? Perhaps women should discontinue the notion that marriage is the only way to determine future happiness and begin to examine the differences between what they THINK they want and what they will actually GET from marriage.

The other issue is that marriage should be for having children - ONCE! Only the "Brady Bunch" were thoroughly successful in blending families, and that was the 70's. Too much as happened to the world since then rendering any similar attempts virtually impossible for the average couple. Wouldn't it appear more logical to expect that when adults demand to perpetually change partners, they opt to abstain from reproduction? At least they can then avoid robbing children of their family tree!

The brutal truth: both men and women enter and re-enter marriage because they see the world passing by in pairs. It's a security blanket: men have their wife/mother at home attending to their needs so they can "go out and hunt" every so often, and women have their "Mrs." title to justify their existence. It appears that rationalizing happiness in marriage is an individual choice influenced by denial and ego. And since ego is known to refuse caution before and denounce defeat after, it produces a stalemate. Perhaps for many in denial, this sort of cul-du-sac is considered manageable and happy, while for others it's living in quiet desparation. After all is said and done, married life will always be very private and highly secretive perhaps to avoid mutilating one's expectations of "happily ever after."