Customer Reviews

Will I Ever Fit In?: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Adult Dyssemia

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The book is about non-verbal behavior, very important part of communication, since it involves about 70% of communication, the other 30% being verbal communication. I definately agree with both of the authors that most of the people don't use it to their advantage, in in the end, feel that they are not effective, yet, they can't quite put the finger on the problem as to why they are not respected, or listened to. Non-verbal communication consists of touch, facial expressions, fashion, rhythms, timing and so on.
The book is logical, and really, just common sense. My problem with the book is that it has so little to say about each topic. This book is filled with stories, case studies. When in reality, this book could have been condensed to no more than 1 page. Instead, the authors try to fill the space with endless redundunt shallow stories. They try so hard to sound self-important, they boast that they had invented a term for it -"dissimic", which simply means someone who does not communicate well non-verbally. In reality the book is about 10% good stuff, and 90% padding and stuffing.
It will make you aware of the subject, but this book is nothing new. I am sure, any communication 101 book will do a better job, with less reading.
How does one help him/herself to better communicate non-verbally? Well, according to the authors, you should find an older gentleman at work, who will constantly watch you interact with others, and after work, authors suggest, you will meet with your teacher, and go over your behavior.. Hmmm.. I am not sure about this advice..a better choice for me was Body Language by Gordon Wainwright.

This book is a tremendous resource for anyone who sees the incongruence between their own self-perception and the perception of others, or their perception of others, and would like to correct it. It breaks down the elements of non-verbal communication with descriptions that are in plain English, with plenty of practical self-evaluation tests that require the reader to engage with the book. I've never found self-books very helpful, as the authors often diverge from a psychology discussion into philosophy, but this book stays true to its promise. I highly recommend it.

I would have to disagree with the review by the Library Journal; a "mentor" should not be a family member or close friend, but should be someone who can remain objective and provide valuable, non-biased feedback. I certainly wouldn't ask someone too close to me to give me this kind of intense, constructive criticism. I tried to do the peer evaluation with a close friend, and realized how awkward it was for him to answer the difficult questions about me. I, however, found a opportunity with a empathetic manager after a recent performance review to provide this sort of mentoring.

Before I read this book, I felt lonely and misunderstood.After reading only a few pages, I realized that I was dyssemic.Dr Duke and Dr. Nowicki gave me alot of practical advice, which I followed. As a result,for the first time in my life I now have friends, go out on dates, and have gotten two promotions on my job. These brilliant professors have done a great service to people like me, and I think that they should be commended for it.

I understand this book exists for people who want to fit in and are open to practicing methods that might help them. However, what about the people who aren't motivated to fit in? People who find the superficial everyday chit chat and accepted norms to be boring? This book is very much about trying to act as "normal" as possible to "blend in" with standards and acceptable norms of behavior. But, how much of the individual gets lost in all of this conforming? There must be a formula for diversity, a way that someone can still feel themselves, but still make friends. This book lacks the idea of diverse personality types. Is the bottom line that you have to model and mimic everyone else to make more friends or have better relationships? What about people who are very introverted, or who are Loners? Research has shown that the brains of introverts process information differently and that's why they tend to take longer to respond to questions and don't "think out loud." Brain imaging demonstrates how different introverts and extroverts brains behave in many different contexts. It would be very difficult and draining for an introvert to attempt practicing these non verbal social skills recommended in the book, and may not be possible for some. And even if they could, it would take up so much energy that cognitive skills in other areas would be affected. This is also based on research - when an introvert is forced to act extroverted, they do poorly on cognitive tests. Read "The Revenge of the introverts" article in Psychology Today (October 2010).

Introvert or not, practicing these skills and working on trying to fit in all the time would increase a person's level of self-consciousness and make them come across as fake and probably anxious. How could you not be anxious trying to practice NOT being yourself? Isn't it better to accept yourself for who you are and try to enrich your relationships with your newfound self-confidence? I feel the skills in this book deplete self-confidence.

The book is about fitting in and the authors promote conformity and behaving to acceptable norms. While I think some of these exercises might be helpful, there should be some discussion about fitting in when there are personality differences. The only solution the authors seem to have come up with is that to fit in, you need to change and conform. Is this really true? Is it the only way? What would be more interesting to me is a book about how someone with differences can feel more connected to others. Introverts like to socialize, but in a different way. The same with some Aspies. We all want to feel connected to others but don't necessarily want to sacrifice our souls to do it.