Customer Reviews

Will Our Love Last?: A Couple's Road Map

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As a partner in a successful marriage of 21 years, I am not often drawn to "self help--relationship" books. In my role as a primary physician I do, however, see the sad fallout of marriages that do not last. Thus it was on the recommendation of a colleague that I read Dr. Hamburg's book.

In a very logical and readable format Dr. Hamburg outlines characteristics that are central to the success of a marriage. His central premise is that COMPATIBILITY is the key to a long-lasting relationship. This need not mean sameness, but rather a pattern of beliefs, goals and lifestyle that meshes with that of one's partner. Much of the emphasis of COMMUNICATION - style and ability to communicate - is misplaced, Hamburg contends. Couples may communicate very well but deliver messages that are inherently incompatible.

Dr.Hamburg thus focuses on specific attributes of each partner and of their relationship.Too often, he points out, decisions are deferred which will make or break a marriage -- the most obvious being the decision whether to have a family. In a humorous but pointedly pertinent chapter he outlines "bad news" characteristics -- red flags that are destined to predict failure but are often overlooked. At the same time Dr. Hamburg develops a construct of three dimensions which each contribute to the success of a marriage -- "physical," "practical," and "wavelength." By combining examples, exercises and questions for partners to ponder together he maps out a way to ask the questions that will help a couple achieve an understanding of the level of their own compatibility.

There aren't many self-help books that I can recommend to may patients without reservation, but this is definitely one.

As a psychologist, I am always on the lookout for a book that I can recommend to my clients. It is rare that I find one. This is one of very few books that I will tell my clients about and will personally reread. Too many self-help books offer up one or two ideas and then some advice. Helpful, but not enough. This book is different. The reader will learn to think about their relationship, love and compatibility in a clear but deep way. This will enhance communication, and for many, help them to be closer. For others, it will help them make some difficult decisions regarding the long term prospects of their relationship. Dr. Hamburg writes in a clear, very frank manner. He shows insight, compassion and simple wisdom. This is a great book!

The author presents a fairly straightforward theory of how he's seen compatibility relate to long term marital happiness and stability. He breaks it down to three areas: practical, sexual and wavelength. I've thought a lot in the past about the way I relate or don't relate in relationhships, but reading this book I had a number of "aha" moments where I felt like this makes real sense. I've discussed his ideas with a number of friends and the consensus is he's right on. The great thing is that after you read this I'll bet you'll feel compelled to talk about these ideas with friends and more importantly your lover. It's an easy, accessible read that I would see as invaluable to people looking for love or married for years.

I've read a lot of books on relationships, compatability and love. This book was the most practical, straightforward, realistic and helpful. What impressed me most about this title was the author's ability to simplify a very complex topic. He also considered dimensions of compatability that are often difficult to define, but that are crucial to forming a good long term relationship. The author also included deceptively simple exercises for couples that allowed them to access not only their thinking about a particular area of compatability, but more importantly their felt sense of it. In short, this book helps cut through confusion in the area of love. It is well worth the cost and it is quite different that most books of the same genre, which I have often found to be very similar to each other. It is clear that this author has many years of experience counseling real couples with difficult compatability issues. I also appreciated that the book did not include too many case studies or examples. I have found many case-study approach type books to read more like a novel than a helpful tool to work with a problem, perhaps this is a personal bias. In short, this book is a very useful tool for understanding an existing relationship or as a benchmark guide for dating compatability. It also achieves its goal without a lot of unnecessary text or redundant stories about other couples.

This is a wonderfully practical guide for couples - full of wisdom, common sense and humor. Hamburg's three dimensional model for assessing couple compatibility helped me to understand why we reach some of the impasses we do with our partners. The questions will aid any couple in making a frank and open-eyed appraisal of their basic compatibility, a step which is often neglected in the emotional intensity of a young love relationship. As a marital therapist, I appreciate Hamburg's simple, yet thoughtful, questions and clinical examples as an aid to couples in sifting through their questions and doubts about their choice of a partner. As with any self-help volume, the emphasis is on a particular approach - in this case cognitive and behavioral techniques. In my view the only shortcoming of this book is an under-emphasis on examining the role of individual limitations - such as personality disorders and unresolved family events - in the perpetuaion of couple conflict. That said, I will continue to enthusiasticaly recommend Will Our Love Last? to many of the couples I see in the office as well as those I know personally.

Samuel Hamburg answered so many questions I had about love and feelings, I couldn't put the book down. His theories about what makes love last and why some couples, even when both of them seem like nice people, aren't right together. This book can save couples the mistakes that many others have made. It may also help struggling couples who don't know why they're having problems. I know it's helped me. I just wish I had this book years ago. It should be REQUIRED READING FOR ALL PEOPLE CONTEMPLATING MARRIAGE! READ IT TODAY!

Have no hesitation about buying Sam Hamburg's clear, realistic, and thoroughly engaging guide to understanding relationships, esp. marriage. He wisely acknowledges your experience with relationships of all kinds (romantic and non-romantic), gives excellent guidelines for understanding what you need from a relationship, and gives likewise excellent guidelines for the dynamics of the relationship itself. I am glad I did not wait until this book made it to paperback--it is one I am glad to have in hardcover. I would STRONGLY urge anyone considering taking the vows to read this book!

This book helped me understand why I couldn't say yes to someone who seemed like the perfect spouse for me "on paper" and to most of my family and friends. It clearly lays out the most important aspects of compatibility and helped me realized that my little issues with my ex-boyfriend were actually significant problems that would have led to a less than harmonious problems. It also helped give me the confidence to walk away from the relationship even though most above mentioned family and friends couldn't understand why I would do so. A couple of years later I met someone who I am very compatible with and now we have two kids and a very happy marriage. I often recommend this book to single friends and all have benefited from reading the book. Definitely the best $15 I have ever spent!

This is a hopeful, helpful book about your chances for a lifelong relationship. Its starting point is a warning that "communication is not enough." People who communicate very well may not be truly compatible with each other. Helping you find out if you will be compatible for life with the person you love is the purpose of this book. Compatibility is not easy to recognize, but Dr. Hamburg's lively mix of anecdotes and explanations help you think about the many sources of compatibility. This is a wonderful book for parents who want to understand their children's romances, for young people on the lookout for a perfect match, and for people who want to think about why a good relationship went bad.

According to the author, there are 3 dimensions necessary for a successful relationship. They are:

1 -- the Practical dimension
This is about how well you live and work together.
Are you someone who moves quickly or slowly?
Are you an early riser or a night owl?
Is your decorating style Sleek Modern or Cluttered Country?
These may sound like petty, insignificant issues, but on a daily basis, if you and your partner are way off on this dimension, you could easily grate on each other's nerves.

2 - the Sexual dimension
This goes beyond sexual attraction to include sexual style.
Do you like quiet, missionary style sex or loud, try-every-position-imaginable sex?
Do you like sex once a day or once a month?
If you and your partner are way off on this dimension, then both of you will feel frustrated. The partner who wants less sex will feel like a spoilsport and the partner who wants more sex will feel like they are on a sex diet.

3 - the Wavelength dimension
This is about the meeting of the minds.
Is your sense of humor quietly witty or loud and raunchy?
If the baby's crying, is it best to pick them up or let them cry it out?
How do you feel about eating meat?
In an ideal world, we would all be able to kindly accept each other's differences in values and opinions. In reality, though, when someone disagrees with a value we hold dearly, we tend to think that person is naive, crazy, or stupid...and respect goes out the window.

According to the author, dissatisfied couples are couples who only have one or two of these dimensions present.
That's not to say you and your partner have to be twins (some difference is healthy because it allows you to grow and makes the other person interesting) but just close enough so that the ratio of good times outweighs the bad times. I agree with the author's outlook and consider this book to be a smart look at relationships.