Customer Reviews

Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar: Readings on Courting and Marrying (The Ethics of Everyday Life)

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> This anthology on Courting and Marrying was very interesting and bolstering of many things I knew to be right and good. The authors say that all the selections are not what they deem a single coherent traditional teaching on the subject, but that they are offered "in wisdom-seeking rather than wisdom-delivering-spirit, as writings that make us think, that challenge our unexamined opinions, expand our symnpathies, elevate our gaze, and introduce us to possibilities open to human beings in everyday life that may be undreamt of in our philosophizing." pg.19. It was eye-opening to trace the decline of courtship at the beginning of the 20th century and what the emergence of dating methods did to male and female relationships. The authors see an increased failure of marriages NOT because courting isn't done the old fashioned way but because certain elements of what makes marriages work are no longer even considered. . Largely elements that have become secondary in importance to the current all encompassing reason for marriage, ROMANTIC LOVE. Not to say that romantic love shouldn't be a factor, but that it is not necessarily the greatest or only factor. Also included are reflections on the virtue of modesty, the merit of waiting and the fulfillment of partnership and parenting. A good resource and thought provoking book.

Some reviewers seem insistent that Amy and Leon Kass are stuck in a cultural and intellectual backwater, still insisting on ideas and values that are badly out of date.
Others say that Leon and Amy Kass have written the best answer to modern misunderstandings and mistakes concerning marriage and sexual relationships.

They are accused of trying to force their narrow, archaic views of the sexual nature of humanity.
They are also accused of depending strangely on ancient writings that have little 'scientific' value.

Leon and Amy Kass admit themselves that most of the writings they draw from are old--but the value of such writings is in finding what the people who wrote them have in common with modern times.
Basic facts of life--like the connection between sexuality and reproduction, the connection between monagomy and stable societies, and the connection between morality and healthy relationships--are the themes that hold this book together.
The book tends to question many modern assumptions--not for the purpose of turning back the clock, but for the purpose of finding a way to improve the future prospects in relationships, marriages, and society in general.

At no point do the editors preach to the reader. Instead, they encourage the reader to think--and to feel--and to explore the meaning of being a human being.

This book is written for college-level reading, although an intelligent high school student (one who has been trained to think for himself) can readily understand it.

Amy and Leon Kass have presented a wonderful gift to parents and to their children. Parents will cherish the book's wisdom as they try to instruct their children, whether of marriageable age or younger, about the ritual (courtship) leading to the ultimate commitment (marriage). Young adults facing, it seems, a directionless world will cherish the guidance the book provides. All readers will admire the clarity and the beauty with which almost all of the many authors, including the Kass's, communicate their messages. The Kass's draw on a remarkable variety of sources, from the ancient religious (Genesis) through classical literature up to and including modern sociology. Even "Miss Manners" (Judith Martin) is cited and she has good things to say. A few of the selections are a bit difficult and may easily be skimmed, skipped or saved for a second try later. Most are easy to read and many are downright enjoyable. One selection from Tolstoy (from "War and Peace": The Courtship of Pierre and Helene) tells the reader exactly how NOT to enter into the ultimate commitment. Another (Divakaruni, "The Word Love") is truly heartbreaking as its depicts some of the consequences of a typical modern "relationship". I've already ordered copies of the book for my young adult daughters, and I'm encouraging my 10th grader (a voracious reader) to take a crack at it. Thank you, Amy and Leon Kass!

The USA Today review on 2/10/00 was intriguing to me, as it's not the first place I would expect to find support for research that regards traditional relationship models as valid - even right! I have ordered the book, based on the strength of this review and would encourage others to look at it as well. We have lost our way when we do not even mention - let alone mentor - commitment and working through what was once thought to be a life-long relationship. For some of us, it takes that long to grow up... ---as I am one married a mere 28 years can attest...

I bought this book originally looking for a good well-reasoned alternative to the wasteland of pathetic Christian dating/marriage books on the market (e.g. I kissed dating goodbye). Specifically something that shared wisdom from past ages and was well reasoned and articulate.


This book met all of these expectations and more. My (now) wife and I re-read much of this book while we were dating and engaged, and it provided numerous hours for discussions about out thinking on marriage.


This book should be preferred reading for college age or older folks seriously interested in courtship/marriage, and want a larger frame of reference than the current culture. The articles are relavant, thought-provoking, and the best of western literature. It would also make an excellent source for a discussion group.

If you don't like reading "classic" literature - that is, literature from another time, place and era, with a perspective utterly distinct (and even contrary) to our own - don't buy this book, as it's an anthology composed solely of excerpts from this literature.

If you do, however, I can't recommend this book highly enough. Not because it will tell you what to think about love, sex, and marriage (as if there is an "answer" to be found!), but because it will give you perspectives other than the one you have for considering your own life.

Natasha pretends to be a stone-hard woman who stands at the crossroads of social change while wondering in aristocratic fashion why so many stand in the way of Herstory; in reality she is an emotionally constipated wallflower and contents herself with feeling superior to those less insecure than herself. "Joe Mama" is a pseudo-intellectual poseur who wants us to wink at his sarcastic, bohemian persona while being silently impressed with his knowing sophistication, which he thinks is demonstrated by some obscure allusion to the writings of "evolutionary psychology" he is too stupid even to be able to parrot.

Ad Hominem attacks are as easy as they are irrelevant, aren't they?

I must have missed class the day they taught us that not only marriage but politeness as well had been dispensed with by the enlightened perspectives of "evolutionary psychology" and "modern sociological studies". Apparently Joe and Natasha were present however, which is why they can advise the rest of us that "Amy and Leon" have "done it again" in promoting "absurd moral values" and thereby "making [Joe] puke" and Natasha "Mmmmmmm" in smug disapproval. Nevertheless I doubt that 630 pages worth of commentary from Darwin (apparently he was not "evolutionary" enough for Joe), Plato (who recommended full equality for women in his "Republic"), Jane Austen (single, female, educated, independently wealthy, and famous--a real doormat, wouldn't you say), and other such fossils can be summed up by the assertion that "women should remain demure, submissive, and concern themselves above all with finding and keeping an attractive husband". Needless to say, such simplistic indoctrination, as opposed to reasoned argument, is far from Leon and Amy Kass as editors and contributors to this volume. For those who want to understand marriage as something more than a futile gesture or the vestigial opiate of slant-browed society, this is your book. To those for whom marriage is not a problematic issue, either through happy circumstance or simple indifference, good luck with being clueless.

Amy and Leon do quite a job with traditional texts. It is not an accident that the only evidence for such absurd moral values is found in ancient texts. Ancient texts provide excellent material for modern sociological studies. Fantastic, really. If you take your bearings from the Kasses' book, I would suggest to you that you check out First Things "the Journal of Religion and Public Life" and read about the many reasons women should remain demure, submissive and concern themselves above all with finding and keeping an attractive husband. Mmmmmm. God, like Homer works in mysterious ways.