The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change-and When to Let Go [Hardcover]

Eileen Flanagan (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 17, 2009

This wise book guides readers in discovering what they can-and should-change in their lives, accepting what they cannot, and discovering "the wisdom to know the difference."

Thousands of people have been moved by the famous last lines of the Serenity Prayer:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

But how exactly can we know the difference? How can we acknowledge our true limits without negating the possibility for dramatic change? In this inspiring book, Eileen Flanagan draws on her own Quaker faith as well as a range of other religious and spiritual traditions to show readers how they can learn to listen to their own inner voice in determining when a change is needed in their lives or when instead acceptance is the answer. These lessons come to life through the inspiring stories of various individuals, including:

• the mother of a fallen soldier in Iraq who talks about the power of forgiveness and her work to end the war;
• A Katrina survivor who describes how she learned inner peace the hard way;
• a family therapist who shares what he learned about accepting the things he cannot change from the car accident that left him paralyzed.

This illuminating book leads readers to discover the serenity that comes when one has gained "the wisdom to know the difference."

Editorial Reviews

Review

“The Wisdom to Know the Difference is about being able to change. We human beings are basically the same, wherever we come from, and despite the small physical differences in the shape of our noses, the color of our hair and so on. We are the same because we all have the same potential to undergo both positive and negative experiences. What’s more, we also have the same potential to transform ourselves and our attitudes. What is important is that we can make a change and transform ourselves into better, happier people.”—His Holiness the Dalai Lama

More praise for THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERRENCE: “We've all heard these famous lines ‘grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change the things I can’ but we rarely hear how to find the wisdom to know and act on the difference. Until now. This beautiful book weaves together fascinating stories and timeless wisdom from across spiritual traditions to create a practical map for all of us to navigate this very question.” —Diana Winston, Director of Mindfulness Education, UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Research Center, and author of Wide Awake: A Buddhist Guide for Teens

“In The Wisdom to Know the Difference Eileen Flanagan effortlessly weaves the wisdom of the ordinary people she has met on her path with the extraordinary wisdom of many spiritual teachers into a rich tapestry. I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking spiritual wisdom.”—Karen Casey, Ph.D. author of Each Day A New Beginning

“Full of wisdom and everyday stories that become parables in Flanagan's hands.’” —Phyllis Tickle, author of The Divine Hours and The Great Emergence

“Eileen Flanagan’s delightful book is a source of wisdom and encouragement to which you’ll return again and again. Blessing and inspiration await on every page.” —Brent Bill, Quaker minister and author Sacred Compass: The Way of Spiritual Discernment

“This book draws from actual situations of real-life people as they struggle to become their true selves.” —Suzanne Farnham, founder of Listening Hearts Ministries and co- author of Listening Hearts and Grounded in God

“Flanagan goes far and wide to absorb and integrate teachings from many great traditions of the world. The result is a fusion that inspires and uplifts the reader.” —Derek Lin, The Tao of Daily Life

Review

"The Wisdom to Know the Difference is about being able to change. We human beings are basically the same, wherever we come from, and despite the small physical differences in the shape of our noses, the color of our hair and so on. We are the same because we all have the same potential to undergo both positive and negative experiences. What's more, we also have the same potential to transform ourselves and our attitudes. What is important is that we can make a change and transform ourselves into better, happier people."-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

More praise for THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERRENCE: "We've all heard these famous lines 'grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change the things I can' but we rarely hear how to find the wisdom to know and act on the difference. Until now. This beautiful book weaves together fascinating stories and timeless wisdom from across spiritual traditions to create a practical map for all of us to navigate this very question." -Diana Winston, Director of Mindfulness Education, UCLA's Mindful Awareness Research Center, and author of Wide Awake: A Buddhist Guide for Teens

"In The Wisdom to Know the Difference Eileen Flanagan effortlessly weaves the wisdom of the ordinary people she has met on her path with the extraordinary wisdom of many spiritual teachers into a rich tapestry. I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking spiritual wisdom."-Karen Casey, Ph.D. author of Each Day A New Beginning

"Full of wisdom and everyday stories that become parables in Flanagan's hands.'" -Phyllis Tickle, author of The Divine Hours and The Great Emergence

"Eileen Flanagan's delightful book is a source of wisdom and encouragement to which you'll return again and again. Blessing and inspiration await on every page." -Brent Bill, Quaker minister and author Sacred Compass: The Way of Spiritual Discernment

"This book draws from actual situations of real-life people as they struggle to become their true selves." -Suzanne Farnham, founder of Listening Hearts Ministries and co- author of Listening Hearts and Grounded in God

"Flanagan goes far and wide to absorb and integrate teachings from many great traditions of the world. The result is a fusion that inspires and uplifts the reader." -Derek Lin, The Tao of Daily Life

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Tarcher (September 17, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1585427160
• ISBN-13: 978-1585427161
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 6.1 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #796,827 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Eileen Flanagan left the Catholic Church her freshman year of college when she realized she wasn't sure she believed everything in the Profession of Faith. For several years she felt closest to God in the woods, but eventually found her spiritual home in the Religious Society of Friends (also known as Quakers) where people seek divine guidance in silence and community. Eileen writes about accessing our inner wisdom and living with greater peace and courage. In addition to writing, speaking and leading workshops, she teaches at University of the Arts in Philadelphia. A graduate of Duke and Yale, she believes that raising two children and taking care of her dying mother have taught her more about wisdom than most books she's read. Learn more at http://www.eileenflanagan.com

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

27 of 28 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Greeting Us Like a Friend, Helping Us Discern Good Choices in Tough Times, November 11, 2009

By 

David Crumm "Editor of ReadTheSpirit magazine" (Canton, Michigan) - See all my reviews
(TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change-and When to Let Go (Hardcover)

Eileen Flanagan is a Quaker writer who we're going to hear a whole lot more about in coming years. She's just finding her voice nationally in this book--and what a voice it is! Start reading "The Wisdom to Know the Difference" like I did and you'll find yourself curled up in an easy chair for a few hours--as if a best friend is sitting across from you, sharing a cup of tea and stories about the spiritual challenges we all face in life.

Quakers are well known for their spiritual disciplines in discernment and Eileen writes out of that tradition. The final section of her book, for example, describes Quaker clearness committees--and suggests ways these principles might be adapted in our lives.

The title of her book comes from the Serenity Prayer, long associated with the 12-step recovery movement. But this is not specifically a 12-step book. If you're looking for a spiritual overview of the 12 steps, I'd recommend Rabbi Rami Shapiro's new Recovery--the Sacred Art: The Twelve Steps As Spiritual Practice (Art of Spiritual Living).

This book is about discernment--choosing the next step in turbulent times. "The wisdom to know the difference between what we can and cannot change is central to my definition of a well-lived life," she writes. In the course of under 300 pages, Eileen takes us many places both within the lives of dozens of real men and women--and even to some other parts of our cultural world. Most importantly, she wants us to enlarge our vision of God--and enlarge our hopes for our own lives.

She's a humble guide. As a good Quaker, she offers us "Queries" all along the journey, wanting each of us to weigh her assertions and see which ones fit--and which don't.

Here's a sample of her wisdom: "It's helpful to remember that Reinhold Niebuhr's version of the Serenity Prayer asks first for 'grace.' Such humility is a step toward serenity, accepting that even when we're paddling as hard as we can, we can't control the ocean. We can only control our own paddle. Likewise, a step toward courage is recognizing that our own paddle matters."

The book also is a great choice for small-group conversation, custom made with the starter questions at the end of each section.

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars At Last, An Intelligent Self-Help Book, May 26, 2010

By 

Helen W. Mallon (Philadelphia, USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change-and When to Let Go (Hardcover)

I will start with a disclaimer: I rarely read self-help books, simply because they strike me either as idiotic or re-packaged versions of the common sense your grandmother would share if you asked her. For this reason, I may have missed out on some very helpful stuff.

Fortunately, I did not miss this excellent and thoughtful examination of a very basic human dilemma: When do you take action to try to change a situation, and when do you accept it? Like me, are you a control freak, anxiously and endlessly scheming lest your world (or your kids' worlds) fall apart? And how do you make peace with stuff that's driving you crazy? Or are you a fatalist, giving up before you start because you've 'learned' there's no point in trying to make a difference?

Through detailed interviews, Flanagan examines the dynamics of change in the lives of those who have undergone extreme life challenges and come out stronger and better for it. Each person, in his or her own words describes the valuable lessons they've learned, whether of acceptance, or of learning to question old beliefs that no longer serve a productive purpose. Each person also represents a different faith tradition--this is a book written around a prayer, after all--and we learn how individuals learn to discern the leading of the Spirit in their own 'languages', whether Muslim, Christian, or Jewish.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference is an entirely hopeful book; its goal is to motivate readers to trust more courageously, to act more boldly, and believe more intelligently. For this reader, it was a success; I can point to several positive changes that have come from reading it twice.

11 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A roadmap to serenity: Inspiring stories of courage and wisdom at life's crossroads, November 18, 2009

By 

Tamar Chansky, Ph.D. (Philadelphia, PA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change-and When to Let Go (Hardcover)

Change is not easy for any of us, and yet it is often in the process of making difficult changes that we learn and grow the most. How do we decide what is the best action to take? How do we find the courage to take action once we figure out what we need to do ? These questions are at the very heart of The Wisdom to Know the Difference. In this wonderful book, Eileen Flanagan has given us an inspiring and beautifully crafted diary of humanity. In these very personal, often heart-wrenching, stories, we learn the universal truth about how we as people make changes-- even in situations where we feel we don't have control. And this is the key.

Eileen Flanagan has gone right into the thick of the human condition with all the complexity and messiness and offers her own wisdom along with that of the courageous people she interviewed. In addition she draws from psychology and a variety of spiritual traditions and guides us steadfastly to inspiring conclusions. She illustrates how we can ultimately find serenity by identifying which parts of a problem we can solve, and which parts we must accept. Cognitive psychology has identified this skill-- change what you can-- as essential for buffering one from depression and building a resilient mindset.

I highly recommend this inspiring book and suggest that we all keep it nearby whenever we need a push and reminder for how we can live more optimal lives for our own, and the greater good.

Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility, and HappinessFreeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child's Fears, Worries, and Phobias