Customer Reviews

The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to Make a Change-and When to Let Go

5 star:		(9)
4 star:		(0)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Eileen Flanagan is a Quaker writer who we're going to hear a whole lot more about in coming years. She's just finding her voice nationally in this book--and what a voice it is! Start reading "The Wisdom to Know the Difference" like I did and you'll find yourself curled up in an easy chair for a few hours--as if a best friend is sitting across from you, sharing a cup of tea and stories about the spiritual challenges we all face in life.

Quakers are well known for their spiritual disciplines in discernment and Eileen writes out of that tradition. The final section of her book, for example, describes Quaker clearness committees--and suggests ways these principles might be adapted in our lives.

The title of her book comes from the Serenity Prayer, long associated with the 12-step recovery movement. But this is not specifically a 12-step book. If you're looking for a spiritual overview of the 12 steps, I'd recommend Rabbi Rami Shapiro's new Recovery--the Sacred Art: The Twelve Steps As Spiritual Practice (Art of Spiritual Living).

This book is about discernment--choosing the next step in turbulent times. "The wisdom to know the difference between what we can and cannot change is central to my definition of a well-lived life," she writes. In the course of under 300 pages, Eileen takes us many places both within the lives of dozens of real men and women--and even to some other parts of our cultural world. Most importantly, she wants us to enlarge our vision of God--and enlarge our hopes for our own lives.

She's a humble guide. As a good Quaker, she offers us "Queries" all along the journey, wanting each of us to weigh her assertions and see which ones fit--and which don't.

Here's a sample of her wisdom: "It's helpful to remember that Reinhold Niebuhr's version of the Serenity Prayer asks first for 'grace.' Such humility is a step toward serenity, accepting that even when we're paddling as hard as we can, we can't control the ocean. We can only control our own paddle. Likewise, a step toward courage is recognizing that our own paddle matters."

The book also is a great choice for small-group conversation, custom made with the starter questions at the end of each section.

I will start with a disclaimer: I rarely read self-help books, simply because they strike me either as idiotic or re-packaged versions of the common sense your grandmother would share if you asked her. For this reason, I may have missed out on some very helpful stuff.

Fortunately, I did not miss this excellent and thoughtful examination of a very basic human dilemma: When do you take action to try to change a situation, and when do you accept it? Like me, are you a control freak, anxiously and endlessly scheming lest your world (or your kids' worlds) fall apart? And how do you make peace with stuff that's driving you crazy? Or are you a fatalist, giving up before you start because you've 'learned' there's no point in trying to make a difference?

Through detailed interviews, Flanagan examines the dynamics of change in the lives of those who have undergone extreme life challenges and come out stronger and better for it. Each person, in his or her own words describes the valuable lessons they've learned, whether of acceptance, or of learning to question old beliefs that no longer serve a productive purpose. Each person also represents a different faith tradition--this is a book written around a prayer, after all--and we learn how individuals learn to discern the leading of the Spirit in their own 'languages', whether Muslim, Christian, or Jewish.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference is an entirely hopeful book; its goal is to motivate readers to trust more courageously, to act more boldly, and believe more intelligently. For this reader, it was a success; I can point to several positive changes that have come from reading it twice.

Change is not easy for any of us, and yet it is often in the process of making difficult changes that we learn and grow the most. How do we decide what is the best action to take? How do we find the courage to take action once we figure out what we need to do ? These questions are at the very heart of The Wisdom to Know the Difference. In this wonderful book, Eileen Flanagan has given us an inspiring and beautifully crafted diary of humanity. In these very personal, often heart-wrenching, stories, we learn the universal truth about how we as people make changes-- even in situations where we feel we don't have control. And this is the key.

Eileen Flanagan has gone right into the thick of the human condition with all the complexity and messiness and offers her own wisdom along with that of the courageous people she interviewed. In addition she draws from psychology and a variety of spiritual traditions and guides us steadfastly to inspiring conclusions. She illustrates how we can ultimately find serenity by identifying which parts of a problem we can solve, and which parts we must accept. Cognitive psychology has identified this skill-- change what you can-- as essential for buffering one from depression and building a resilient mindset.

I highly recommend this inspiring book and suggest that we all keep it nearby whenever we need a push and reminder for how we can live more optimal lives for our own, and the greater good.

Tamar Chansky, Ph.D.Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility, and HappinessFreeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child's Fears, Worries, and Phobias

As we well know, not everything can be controlled. I have a favorite saying: Life happens while you're busy making plans. Things don't always turn out the way we plan--or hope--and despite the futility, many of us will still try to control what cannot be controlled.

In The Wisdom to Know the Difference, Eileen Flanagan sets out to bring examples of such instances to the forefront to help us figure out what we truly may be able to change and how to let go of what we can't.

As with most spiritual/self-help books, you read with the hope that one of the stories will closely resemble the earth-shaking issue you're going through for a chance to glean insight to the way others have successfully dealt with the problem.

Some of the examples used were fairly serious: a mother who prayed her son wouldn't have to go to Iraq; he went and gave his life for our country; a man who becomes paralyzed after a serious accident. These are two extreme examples of life-changing events that could not be controlled; and, since neither of these outcomes can be changed, it seems acceptance--voluntary or otherwise--is the only way to move forward.

Everyday stressors and anger were also touched on, which is an area that can be changed. Finding a way to successfully deal with stress and anger could make a huge difference in someone's quality of life. However, there weren't any new techniques for coping, just the usual breathing and meditating exercises--not that they aren't viable options, but sometimes after taking a breath, I'd still like to throttle someone.

Then there are the "true believers", those who have faith that if they just trust in God, all will be taken care of. I tested this theory out once when I was short on money and the rent was due... Although it could have gotten lost in the mail, I'm pretty sure God never sent my landlord that rent check.

Eileen Flanagan is definitely on the right track, providing insight to life's unexpected surprises and presenting useful tools to assist with better coping and guidance towards acceptance.
The Wisdom to Know the Difference may not be able to solve all of life's problems, but it might be able to help put the chaos into better perspective.

I savored every single page of this book. I knew that from the time of the book's arrival and the posting date at [...] I would not have time to read it twice, which is my usual practice when I am reviewing for someone else. I was also aware that with a holiday in the middle of my allotted time frame, company and special events, I would need to read with greater care and depth; I would need to be able to put the book down and pick it up again when the opportunities arose.

The book is about discernment and its relationship to CHANGE. Flanagan's writing style is easy and detailed as she creates the stages of change, relates anecdotal stories of individuals, and pulls the reader into the words of the historic and religious concepts which are part of the path to spiritual awakening and growth. The author freely shares her own stories along with the stories of approximately 30 other individuals

The stories and lessons are about everyday moments, not so much about the huge heroic events of the "hero's" life, rather those daily events which bring about more self-realization and actualization. The book is about the spiritual changes that humans need to add meaning and depth to their journey. Although there are many, many references to the beliefs within a large number of religious traditions, this book is about an individual's spiritual questing and path.

The book begins with a prayer that is credited to Reinhold Niebuhr, an advocate for social justice and a Protestant theologian, who delivered this prayer in a sermon during World War II

God, give us grace
To accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things that should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

Most of us know a more recent variation of these words which is called the Serenity Prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings around the world to work with addictions and behavior changes.

The author says at the start: "...both serenity and courage are the fruits of learning to trust and let go of fear. For this reason, The Wisdom to Know the Difference is organized around spiritual lessons that can help you live fearlessly: The Courage to Question; Knowing Yourself; Seeking Divine Wisdom; Shifting Your Perspective; Practicing Loving Acceptance; Letting Go of Outcomes; and finding Wisdom in Community."

I can only recommend this book for everyone! I am hoping it becomes a best seller and a classic!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Serenity Prayer


The Wisdom to Know the Difference is like a photo mosaic: a picture made up of many smaller pictures. The small tile images can be seen up close, but at a distance, another image can be seen. In this book, we see snapshots of the personal lives of a small group of demographically and culturally diverse people, including the author, as they face the basic human challenge of discernment: the wisdom to know the difference between what we can (and should) change, and what we must (surrender to and) accept. Well-articulated personal interviews are blended with varied spiritual perspectives and psychological insights that address the spiritual challenges in ordinary life; the larger image revealed is a reality of wisdom and hope.
This book is beautifully written and crafted, truly a literary masterwork in the self-improvement genre.

"Each new generation has a chance to alter two basic definitions of reality in our world--what is acceptable and what is possible." ~ Rev Jim Wallis

At the end of May 2011, I read a post by Eileen Flanagan, looking for book reviewers. While writing book reviews was a new idea for me, reading books certainly was not! I replied to Eileen and a couple of weeks later the book arrived in my mail. The act itself was spur of the moment, and I spent the next few weeks furtively looking at this book, about this prayer that was not one of my favourites!! I must have been crazy to volunteer for this task! Toward the end of June 2011, I ventured into Eileen's world, and began to learn a little more about this prayer, and how it has impacted a number of lives, Eileen does not simply go out into the world, ask people if they know the prayer, then ask their opinion of it. Rather, Eileen's choice of people to write about, are clearly a small sampling of a much larger group interviewed for this book.We learn about these individuals, their life stories, and how the emotions of The Serenity Prayer have played out in their lives. One of Eileen's literary devices is that throughout the book, some of these main characters reappear. It is not just a matter of them being introduced and described to us, but, at key intervals throughout the text, Eileen brings them back by reminding us of their stories, and how their stories continue to evolve - with The Serenity Prayer continuing to play an important role. In some cases, the individuals themselves are not necessarily aware they are living out the prayer. And that is one of my favourite portions of the book. People, who live according to their own values and characteristics, yet can be an example to me, the reader, of the impact of this powerful prayer. Eileen Flanagan has a knack of writing that I find particularly appealing - repetition. Now, don't get me wrong, I do not mean simply stating the same thing over and over. What I mean is gently, without boredom, Eileen imprints key points for the reader. Making her points stronger over time, but in each telling and sharing, being done in new and informative ways. One of my favourite Christian writers - Ronald Rolheiser - has this same story-telling knack. Gentle - soft - peaceful. Bringing the reader to an "Ah-Ha" moment with skill and dexterity, without being the least bit repetitive or tedious. It is a tremendous way to learn new concepts and thought processes. Through the reference to other Christian authorities, Eileen brings additional credibility to her own research, and a familiarity to her writings. The Serenity Prayer holds some big words: serenity, courage, wisdom. Eileen starts by narrowing down these words, to smaller, everyday expressions, phrases, and examples; and concludes the book by bringing them all together in the amazing words of the prayer itself. My journey with this prayer, with this book, "The Wisdom to Know the Difference", has been a very personal one, and this is not the place for review of my prayer journey. But, this is the place for a review of this book. And my opinion to you is that your own prayer journey will not be complete without spending some time with The Serenity Prayer, and definitely some significant time with Eileen Flanagan's book: "The Wisdom to Know the Difference - When to Make a Change - and When to Let Go".

Not really about the wisdom to know the difference, more about exploring various religous options. Very esoteric and not specific.

By Page 5, the Quaker leader grabbed my attention. Okay, she hooked me right from the first page, with a fascinating story that I won't spoil for you by quoting it here. Starting off with an oomphy beginning is standard for a truly experienced writer like Flanagan. Page 5 -- that's where she really grabbed my attention.

It was just one sentence, where Flanagan summarized the profound spiritual purpose of her writing:

"The Wisdom to Know the Difference is a different kind of spiritual book, one that argues that it is important to distinguish between letting go and giving up."

Right away, these words made me curious about this subtle, but vital, distinction. Indirectly, Eileen was announcing that this was to be a deeply human book, with spirituality translated into everyday terms in ways that might be highly individual. It's a promise she kept.

Deeply researched, filled with excerpts from interviews, gorgeous even down to the huge Bibliography, Eileen Flanagan has spared no effort to help readers like us. She offers a workshop between covers, taking readers through a process where we summon "The Courage to Question," go on to explore our biases, and question old habits of thought that limit us.

Later, Flanagan helps us to seek our own wisdom, then expand it even further. She helps us open to shifts of perspective. Then, just as a tennis coach might lead us to follow through on a swing, Flanagan devotes final chapters to integrating acceptance into the rest of one's life. She helps us explore what it means to let go of outcomes. Wisely, she encourages us to seek support from community.

Meticulous research is brought together in a thoughtful, highly readable way. Sure, this is partly a consequence of Flanagan's being such an accomplished writer. Any of you Amazon browsers who are contemplating writing a blog or a book, might I suggest that you buy her book? Aside from the fascinating content, any self-help writer might want to study "The Wisdom to Know the Difference" for purely technical reasons.

Strunk and White for style, then Flanagan for a current update. Why not?

Notice how each topic is introduced, how quotes are seamlessly (and seemingly effortlessly) pulled into context. Transitions are gorgeous. All seems effortless. But then, aha! Technically minded readers, take a few minutes to count the hundreds of quotes, anecdotes, references. Estimate all the years of paying attention to her chosen topic. Then behold how all of it has been organized so cleverly that none of the author's effort shows.

Eileen Flanagan is, quite simply, a superb non-fiction writer. Beyond that, she has written an intensely personal book, opening up to share relevant struggles from her own history. This is done with the same kind of unsentimental intelligence given to stories from people she has interviewed especially for this book.

Amazonians, for the rest of this review, published in Pathways Magazine Winter 2010, see the blog post at "Deeper Perception Made Practical" for December 23, 2010.

By Rose Rosetree, author of "Read People Deeper"

This is an excellent spiritual self-help book. I would recommend it to everyone who is interested.