Customer Reviews

Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

This book was quite an eye-opener for me. It is the first hand account from a woman who was brutally beaten by her pastor husband. She explains the dilemmas faced by Christians in these situations who believe that divorce is wrong and are willing to risk their lives for those beliefs by staying in an abusive relationship. She does a good job presenting the problem in many churches where the staff seem to focus on getting the wife to not provoke the husband, rather than using church discipline to correct the out-of-control husband. But as the author explains, the abuse is going to occur whether there's real provocation or not. It is the abuser who is the problem, not the victim.

The book gave some excellent guidance in how to talk to someone you think is in this situation and how best to help. Although the material is mostly from a biblical perspective, the advice it provides would be useful for anyone, regardless of religion. For example, I was surprised to find that the trite comments we think are helpful and encouraging, are instead just the opposite. And she explains why women are so relunctant to go to the police or their pastors for help. This book should be in every church library and required reading for all pastors and counselors!

Fear, desperation, pain, humiliation, and confusion are constant companions to all women who experience abuse of any sort at the hands of their husbands. But the evangelical Christian woman finds herself faced with the unique burden of also needing to know the specific will of God concerning her situation.

I call this a unique burden, because assimilating all the conflicting information she receives from books, well-intentioned Christian friends, family members and spiritual leaders can leave her head spinning--and her ego spiraling...in precisely the wrong direction. To make matters worse, the counsel she receives often ranges from disappointing at best to life-threatening at worst.

The practice of hiding, ignoring and even perpetuating the emotional and physical abuse of women is still rampant within evangelical Christian fellowships, and as slow as our legal systems have been in dealing with violence against women by their husbands, the church has been even slower.

Abuse among Christians often creates a cruel catch-22, as many evangelicals view recommending separation or divorce as unscriptural, but then view the battered/abused woman with contempt for staying in the situation and tolerating the abuse.

Victims quickly pick up on this hypocritical attitude and either leave the church altogether--or begin hiding the abuse. Either way, they are forfeiting the spiritual guidance and emotional support they so desperately need.

The Christian woman whose spirit is being crushed and whose life is endangered by domestic violence needs straight answers--not unrealistic expectations or clichéd, stereotypical platitudes. In this book she will get straight answers, clear scriptural direction and some tough challenges from one who has been there, but is there no longer.

Ministers, friends and family of the abused will find the book informative, useful and challenging as well.

Spousal abuse and domestic violence was not introduced into my life until I reached my late thirties, so I understand both sides of the issue very well. Prior to the abuse, no one could have convinced me that my attitude toward battered and abused women was both casual and condescending, or that I would ever tolerate it myself--yet it was, and I did.

As both a minister and a woman who has experienced abuse, I feel I can contribute a unique, personal perspective to the small but growing data base of books concerned with the issue of domestic violence.

My own experience, together with research and the feedback I have received from many other battered women, has convinced me that, even in these "enlightened" times we live in, the battered/abused woman is still very much alone and confused in her struggle.

It is my prayer that this book will provide answers, bring hope, and prove to be of practical value to both the battered/abused woman and to those she is most likely to turn to for help.


Is God a Chauvinist? The Bible and Women: A Complete Look

Very informative book from a battered woman who has lived it and questions the church's doctrine and attitude for abusive marriages. I really liked the illustrations and quotes in front of each chapter. I read with the same feeling of bewilderment she feels when the church states the woman has to submit to her husband and is sometimes blamed for his misbehavior. The author is not afraid to criticize the church and its leaders in this discussion about domestic violence and the church. Her answer is God. In my own intense struggle in trying to find answers for my own abusive marriage, I lamented that I never went to the church for help. After reading this, I can see they wouldn't have been able to help me anyways. However, there needs to be changes in the churchs and it is up to battered women like myself and Jocelyn to educate and inform.

This book forces open the door on a subject so many would rather avoid than face head on. It has never been acceptable to look away when someone is being harmed, yet we see that attitude all the time when it comes to spousal abuse. Victims of domestic violence are so often misunderstood because of the effects that abuse has on them. Women subject to the control and violent abuses of their spouses lose their dignity, self-respect, and spirituality. They need support from their community, not criticism.
Simply written, this book forces us to take a very honest look at ourselves and how we view (or choose not to see) this subject. It is so easy to pretend and avoid rather than face the ugly truth. This very moving book provides enough clarity to help us all have the strength we need to be honest and ultimately supportive of those who need it most.

It was hard reading this book. I have trouble reading stuff like this. She writes well. I'm sure it had to have been painful to relive the ordeal in some ways to put it into print. I know it's painful whenever I tell my own story sometimes. What I'm about to say is not meant to be an attack against the author. Sometimes it's hard to convey one's thoughts online where someone cannot hear the tone of voice, etc. She went through a horrible experience and I actually like her spunk. She's a strong woman.

I think the author is stretching some of the scripture to allow for divorce. I have been looking into scripture for years for an out in my own case. I divorced my own abusive husband almost ten years ago after being separated from him nearly four years. I looked and looked for a biblical out, but saw none that wouldn't force me to either live in solitude or else remarry and live in adultery. Jesus said very plainly that if a woman divorces her husband and marries another man that she commits adultery. If I remarry while my biblical husband is still alive, I will be living in unrepentant sin and will go to hell because adulterers and adulteresses will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. I don't understand why God didn't allow an out for women like myself who are being abused, but He didn't. I am 32-years old and will never know the love of a Christian husband. I get really angry that my life is so useless.

Reading the book was hard for me because stuff like this is sometimes a trigger. I've suffered from PTSD for years. I'm better these days, but still have effects at times. I made it through the book okay after having to take a few breathers.

Some women are addicted perhaps to the abuser. In my case, I knew what he was about and wanted out pretty much immediately, but when I pulled out the Bible and read what it said about divorce, I pretty much saw that I was caught in a no win situation. I was only 17 years old and I was then provided with the choice of staying with my abusive husband or to separate and live the rest of my life alone with no family ever as the only two options that were in line with God's will in regards to marriage.

In my case, it wasn't even the typical battered pattern with the honeymoon phase and such. I got married and days afterwards he told me that he was going to make the days with my father seem the most pleasurable and the beatings and abuse began. The only breaks I got from the abuse were when he went to work or went to be with someone else like friends, family, or to try and convince his ex-gf to come back with him. About a couple months after we were married, he asked me how I'd feel if he divorced me and went back with her. I was 17 and already my dreams of having a loving family were ruined.

My husband was a lot older than I. I had never dated and was a virgin when I met him. He soon would end that part. I didn't want to be with him and he didn't care. He told me from the start that I was his and if he couldn't have me then no one else would. I read the Bible and found where if a man seduces a virgin who wasn't engaged that he was to marry her, so I had to marry him. I had kept telling him I didn't want to do it because it was a sin to have sex when you weren't married. He didn't care and did whatever he wanted to me. I then figured I needed to hurry up and marry him then because he was going to have sex on me whether I wanted or not and I didn't want to keep sinning. Then I was hoping that he would end up dying sometime during the marriage so I could be free of him and not have to have him touch me anymore.

No one helped me. I kept trying to get help, but no one cared. I was blamed before the marriage for the sexual stuff and I kept trying to tell people that I had told him I didn't want to do it and he kept doing it anyway. He told me he wasn't going to leave and that I was his. I had no idea what to do. I was only 16 when it started and had absolutely no experience dealing with that and he was older by almost 11 years and did what he wanted. I was really scared of him. Terrified more like it.

During the marriage he had on occasion did things up to beating me against a wall, medicine cabinet, heater. I think he had poisoned me because for a while I was really sick and he insisted on cooking. I even had white streaks on my fingernails and had trouble walking. He wouldn't let me go to the doctor at times and told me he would tell me when I needed to see a doctor. The pilot lights on the gas stove kept getting blown out for about two to three weeks around same time as when he'd go to work and I'd be sleeping. I'd wake to the smell of gas. It mysteriously stopped after I mentioned that the pilot lights kept getting blown out. It was after then when he kept cooking the meals and I'd be getting sick with white on my fingernails. He was going to set fire to me the day of the Oklahoma City bombing. I had been watching it on the news and was getting ready to go to the college and was brushing my teeth. I didn't end up getting the toothpaste rinsed out like I thought and when I got home from school he was there and he went off on me. He ended up penning me on the bed and telling me he was going to make love to me and burn the clothes off my body. I was screaming and crying and wanting someone to help me, but I was alone as usual. I had tried getting police to assist me before, but my husband was a government employee and was on first name basis with the cops. They refused to help and thought it was amusing that I'd even tried getting them to do so. And what I went through to get away from him was an even bigger ordeal than what I went through while I was living with him.

But after my baby girl was born, I couldn't stay. I didn't want him to hurt her. I sinned and disobeyed God to keep my daughter safe from her father. He ended up with visitation rights though and ended up abusing her to get at me and the only way to protect her it seemed was to go with him and take care of her myself during the visitations. After I filed for divorce though, he wouldn't allow me to do that anymore and just kept abusing her. Before I filed, he had even grabbed my pepperspray and was going to spray her with it. She was about five months old at the time. Some of it got on her and she was screaming in pain and I grabbed her up and yelled at him. His cop buddies refused to do a thing to him about it though. My ex is now a RN working at a VA hospital. I'm so glad I'm not a veteran.

The book seemed to indicate that a lot of women stayed because they were addicted to their husbands. Like I said, I know that wasn't the case with me. In my case, I tried to take it and keep the marriage vows until death do one of us part. I didn't want to go against God. After my daughter was born though, I put her before God and got her out of there as best as I could.

I have never understood the proverb about acknowledging God and He'd direct your path. That's a theme in this book. I've heard that before, but it's never made sense. When I've tried using the Bible to solve my problems, all I get are words of hopelessness it seems. And I've tried getting God to tell me what He wanted me to do before and I'm still waiting years later I guess.

I just finished reading this book. It is EXCELLENT. The author did an absolutely fantastic job of communicating much needed and powerful truth in a readable style. I read it in a couple hours straight through (but I'm also a crazy reader!) and I like the fact that it is not so weighty that a person in abuse would be overwhelmed by it.

This book clearly and simply -- and compassionately -- reveals the seriousness of domestic abuse in the Christian church and shares God's answers for those walking in it.

And the Scripture throughout was what I needed personally right now, so that's an extra thank you. ;-)

This book is an important element in bringing hope, help and healing to women who've been given a death sentence by the church. I STRONGLY recommend it to anyone who knows someone experiencing abuse, to church leaders and counselors everywhere, and to those who are walking through abuse in their own life.

In a day when popular Christian leaders put most of their eggs in one basket where Christian marriage is concerned, and focus on putting the responsibility of making marriages work upon the shoulders of wives, thereby implying that husbands are permitted to treat their wives as they will, this book is sorely needed! "Woman Submit! Christians and Domestic Violence" is a work that tells it like it is, using her own experience of being beaten by her husband and left to die as a springboard to educate readers about the atrocities being committed against women here in the United States, in the land where freedom of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is proclaimed as the inalienable right of all men. (perhaps that's the problem; some men think it's the right of men--not women) Ms Andersen is not afraid to name names, including Dr. James Dobson, to help explain how he, along with other Christian leaders advise wives to return to their abusive and life-threatening husbands, and even explain how the wives are responsible for their husbands' abusive behavior.

Throughout the book, Ms Andersen paints a compelling picture that provides answers to the question "Why doesn't she just leave?" For the Christian wife, besides other pressures like economics and fear for her safety, the pressure--and teaching--to stay with or return to her abusive and violent husband comes from Christian leaders and the Christian community, and all too often even from a woman's church. Considering that in Isaiah 58, God spells out that the fast he will honor is that of delivering people from oppression, it is reprehensible that the church has not been leading the charge against domestic violence, but instead has been perpetuating the oppression of women. Society has had to educate Christian leaders about family violence and appeal to them to do their part to teach against it and stop it. The statistics in chapter 5 were especially chilling. That 1 in 4 women had experienced domestic violence as an adult, and another survey said 50% of women who had been abused never reported it to anyone. This would suggest that 50% of women have experienced domestic violence as adults! I repeat, this book is sorely needed! The church must stop sanctioning wife oppression!

Woman Submit! also goes deeper than other books dealing with the abuse of Christian women. "Keeping the Faith" by Marie M. Fortune, for example does correct misinterpretations of biblical passages, but it does not go deep enough. For a woman who has had "Wife Submit! in everything and no matter what he does" pounded into her head, a writer saying the wife does not need to yield all the time and that the husband is commanded to be nurturing, just does not carry much weight. But Ms. Andersen points out the passage in Proverbs that was so helpful to her. When wisdom enters an abused woman's heart, knowledge, discretion, and understanding will deliver her from the way of the evil man. There it is: God is for deliverance from an abuser.

Thank-you, Jocelyn for obeying God and writing this book. It must have been tough to have to relive the pain of what you went through in order to write it in such a succinct (in that nothing was repeated or wallowed in) yet thorough way (taking the time to write enough detail that we get the picture and to explain Bible words and meanings). I will definitely use your book as a resource in my effort to help women.

In addition to this wonderful and helpful book, please check out Jocelyn Andersen's blog, [...]. The post "A Question of Submission" for example, adds insight about the Ephesians 5 question, and other posts keep us up-to-date on the comments, teaching, and efforts of popular Christian leaders.

Waneta Dawn is the author of Behind the Hedge, a novel. Visit [...] to read chapter one, for information on the damaging effects of non-physical violence, and/or to order.

Gives sound advice for Christian victims of domestic abuse. The author has survived and been set free from horrendous abuse and explains how she did it, with God's grace. Her own story is mind boggling. She discusses the problem of 'addiction' to an abusive spouse well, without in any way blaming the victim. Very helpful.Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence

I was so excited to find this book. I have a lot of Christian women approach me for advice on what they should do with their abusive husbands. I now have at least a book to refer them too in their time of need. I have written a full review on my website. Thank you!
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art54021.asp

To start with an bad admission for a review: I have not yet read the book! Having said that, I can confirm the confusion and struggles of a Christian knowing what to do when married to a declared Christian, an officer in a church, who was increasingly psychologically and financially abusive. I do want to saying having read whispersmekisses's review that having separated and moved area, it was a minister who told me I needed to get divorced and then proceeded to pray that I would change my mind. This I did, and was helped theologically by Dr Instone-Brewer's book "Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities". This is not to negate whispermekisses choice but to offer hope to others. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities
It has been an epic struggle to leave and rebuild my life but I have found God to be faithful continually. He also helped me through other people. Be encouraged wherever you are in the process.